Most tropical ferns need to be grown in a green house or as a house plant. Ferns will grow in a sun room, but they need humidity and they don’t like dry indoor air. Here is a look at some cold hardy ferns you can use to create an outdoor fern garden in zones 10 to 5.
I have planted three different types of Woodwardia Ferns.
My favorite is Woodwardia orientalis. This fern is the hardiest to grow unless you live in a mild moist climate like Florida or Hawaii. This fern loves the hot summer weather as long as its watered a lot, but it hates cold. Woodwardia orientalis will start to turn black and die back in the cold. The fronds are very delicate and subject to damage from wind or cold. It may not come back from its winter dormancy. I found that placing a plastic pop up green house is helpful in the winter. I am in zone 9. I would suggest green house growing, but this is a big fern with 6 foot fronds that look better not in a pot but in the ground. This Fern is called The Mother Fern. It makes baby ferns on its mature fronds. I have never been able to get the babies to live. If you have done it please comment and tell me how you did it. I would like to start selling these ferns. No just kidding, but I want to know how to have enough for myself, in case this one dies. This is my third attempt to grow Woodwardia orientalis.
All ferns love heavy amounts of my homemade compost which is the best in the world. Contact me for how too tips. I used to have some how to compost blogs online, but there is so much disagreement among composters (people who compost), and it can fail very easily. I don’t want to give advice and lead you into a mess. You could have problems with insects and especially ants and fungus gnats. One hand, its easy to compost things, but it’s hard to create quality compost.
Woodwardia fimbriata is a very easy fern to grow as it native to California, but it’s boring. The fronds don’t turn interesting colors. It is almost a weed and is hard to kill even. It is the perfect fern for a black thumb. Mine grew huge. Try this fern if all else fails to grow.
Woodwardia unigemmata is my newest Woodwardia. I have purchased one at Regan Nursery and I will see how it goes. I assume it will be similar to orientalis, but the fronds look tougher. I assume, therefore, it will be easier to grow then orientalis. My specimen is extremely pot bound. I hope it can survive. It is also said to be a Mother Fern.
List of all Woodwardia Ferns that you can buy for your garden
Woodwardia areolata (Netted Chain Fern) (Native to the USA)
Woodwardia fimbriata (Native to California)
Woodwardia japonica (I can’t find any info on this fern, but japonica means Japanese)
Woodwardia radicans (European Chain Fern)
Woodwardia unigemmata (Jeweled Chain Fern)
Woodwardia virginica (Native to Virginia)
Woodwardia orientalis The Mother Fern (This fern is so hard to grow, it is not grown very often, and is hard to find)
Other Ferns I am growing
Phlebodium pseudoaureum, also known as the Blue Rabbit’s Foot Fern, or the Virginia Blue Fern, is a fairly large growing fern. I got mine at The San Francisco Botanical Garden
It was a rip off. The fern was large, but it had been grown in a cell and quickly transplanted to a bigger pot. I removed the fern for planting, and the root was the size a small cell about one inch by one inch or whatever the size of a very small cell is. I worked and prayed over it, but I think it dies in the winter as I bought it at the sale on July 8, 2017 and on 12/7/2017 it turned black and died back. I do not yet know if it will come back to life yet. I can’t even find a photo of it. I had only two fronds and it failed to perform.
Japanese Painted Fern (Athyrium niponicum)
A medium sized fern that needs a pop up green house in the winter or it will die in zone 9. No issues. Likes mild weather, easy to grow, can survive hot weather with a lot of water.
Tassel Fern (Polystichum polyblepharum) also medium sized with no issues. It likes a pop up green house, but can survive in zone 9 without one.
The first Autumn Fern I got at Half Moon Bay Nursery, but it could not make the transition to the outdoors in San Francisco. I got a second one in 2012, at Shell Dance Orchid Nursery It did survive. I am not sure what made the difference. I have not grown any Autumn Ferns in Ukiah, yet. They are easy to grow, and they start out with red to brown fronds. Reported to survive up to Zone 5.
My first Autumn Fern in San Francisco in my garden
Other plants in the photo are the Chinese Ever Green, hostas, and Garnet Glow Calla Lily.
California Native Ferns
These ferns will come to your garden via spores like a weed. I found the sword fern growing in the at the bottom on drain pipe. It became the drain pipe fern.
I took care of it. I tried to make the neighbors stop blocking the light with garbage cans. When my husband had terminate cancer. I forgot about it. I stopped watering it and it had lost all its fronds. I thought it was dead. But, then it made a rally. I started to water it again and give it compost. When I moved I dug it up, and transplanted it. It really wanted to live. Here it is today.
I had three of them and I planted them in the shade of my San Francisco Garden. They grow very big, but then they got aphids. I could not kill the aphids they would not die. I had to destroy the ferns. I dug them up and placed in the green waste bin.
Lady Ferns also grow like weeds or volunteers. They will die back in the cold, but then they come back in the summer. They are easy to grow and grow very fast.
Facebook wants to tag people in the group, when you make post so you start to type a word and it turns into a name. I have to stop, delete and do it again, each time the name appears, so I have to reword the post and be unclear in my comment in the doll group. This has been going on for years. Just another rotten and stupid idea that Facebook wants to foster some sort fake group connection. You think after like five years they would fix this issue.
The latest trick Facebook is pulling is they find one of your friends who shared a video of something like cute pets or Trump speaking or whatever. It is not a personal video, but something for a dumb time wasting page. You are trying to chat with someone using the messenger system. The video begins to play while you are trying to think. As you type you will find Trump’s face speaking, but you have the speakers turned off. You will be distracted enough to try to stop the video from playing. You click “close” on the video, it gives you options to block the page, you block the page, but they have so many pages you will never be free from them. As soon as Facebook knows you clicked and interacted in some way, they then replace the video you stopped with an Ad. This happens at least once a day. I now stop and unfollow that person, which takes extra steps and wastes even more time. You just logged into to give a quick reply and now you are clicking looking around wasting time. The last thing showed me was animals about to killed for food, and upset me and ruin my whole day. If you post a lot of videos you will get unfollowed, and you unwittingly play into Facebook’s plan to create insecurity. If people are happy, they don’t need a bunch of worthless products to fill their sad and empty lives. Happy feeling do not sell products.
Facebook has been proven to a malevolent company that posts things at people, to see if they can upset people. If they can’t sell you worthless goods and services, they want to unnerve you, until they come up a way to make you pay for premium facebook without distractions. Other companies do this as well. Yahoo Mail makes you pay about 3 dollars a month for premium mail to avoid distracting ads. I do pay for Yahoo premium mail. The reason I would not pay Facebook, as we have a long history of animosity towards each other. I want to see them go down, so the way to do this is not support them financially.
What comes around goes around Facebook Stock Drops
On July 26, 2018 lost about $120 billion in market capitalization, after its earnings report after the market close on Wednesday missed expectations on revenue and showed slowing user growth.
A direct result of being so horrible to the users.
This posted is updated with every bad thing about Facebook from the newest outrage to the oldest outrage.
Another update: I forgot to mention they deleted a friend of mine’s profile because she wanted to use her stage name for her show. They won’t let you use a stage name even if that is what you want to use. I believe in the right to use a stage name if you want to use one.
Updated July 12, 2018
Today I tried to change my email address from Proton Mail back to Yahoo email, but each time I still get this message, my email is disabled forever. I got my new yahoo mail email, and tried to change to Facebook at once, but it would not change. I thought after a while of having a yahoo email, I could prove I was not a spammer. But, each time I get the same message and there is no way to appeal. I click on appeal, and it says you are logged in so you can’t appeal. I clicked on every way to contact Facebook in settings until I found there was no way to appeal. Now I think someone else had my email, got banned and I picked this email, that they recycled. I have no idea, I am only guessing. I am thinking I will appeal and point out that I have no done or said anything weird, crazy or violent on Facebook ever. Or contacted anyone who does not want to hear from me, what I mean is contacted people, I don’t know to annoy them about something. I only contact people I know, but I can’t appeal because there is no form to fill out for my issue. In spite of stella standard on Facebook, I still can’t get my email changed away from Proton Mail. Proton Mail is not bad, but it’s just not good, I can’t it check on my phone because it’s too secure. Therefore, if I was not able to get in, I have to keep this Proton Mail forever, just for Facebook. Now, I wonder what the former Macy Grant did to get banned from Facebook?
Updated July 3 2018
Facebook Groups: join in haste, repent in leisure.
Another reason to hate Facebook is Facebook groups. It is so easy to join a Facebook group, and so hard to leave them. I have clicked on so many groups and jointed them. I noticed a huge mess, and I wanted to leave most of the groups. You can’t just have a list and check off the groups you want to leave. You must find the group, then click leave. A pop up opens and then you have to click confirm you are leaving and then another check mark to see that you don’t get added back. It takes so long to leave these groups, I wished I never joined them. Most of them I did not get anything out of anyway, and I had turned them off. It’s just another way Facebook makes you waste even more of your time. You look at your news feed stuff pops up from groups, you comment, but then get pulled into a long discussion that sucks up all of your time with strangers. You are not even building love and relationships with people you know, or your family. You are mostly discussing trivial thing with total strangers. There are a few groups that have good discussions, but it’s very hard to find them, in a sea of animated gifs, shaking their heads and going “I don’t think so.”
Today is June 4, 2018
I have been wanting to stop all Facebook Memories. Memories are very annoying posts that are auto generated. I don’t want to see them, ever. So I read that if you set a date range dates you don’t want to see it will stop. So, I tried it and when I clicked save, it simply set the dates back to zero again. It won’t save any of the dates. I hate Facebook so very very much. My memories have nothing and will never have any meaning on Facebook. There is no way to stop Facebook Memories. If there is one, leave me a comment about it. When the plague known as Facebook goes out of business, I will celebrate it yearly, as a memory. I will call it Facebook Liberation Day.
Updated with new outrages: May 14, 2018
Today Facebook demands (in a red dot) that I have to update my new information. I clicked on it to make it go away, and it wants me to post where I work publicly so stalkers can come to my work cause trouble. I noticed the update was set to post publicly, so I changed to friends only, but then I tried to not update it, and says invalid. The red dot does not go away. So, I have to lie about where I work to stop Facebook from nagging me. I am seriously hoping the volcano on Hawaii will destroy Mark Zuckerberg’s house. Facebook wants to make a profit by having information that people will want to search for to make money so Mark Zuckerberg can buy more “islands”. He will make them exclusive to himself and his friends to keep us off of them after he used us to make his profits. And by the way, I never told Facebook where I work at all, so it is not an update, it is an omission. I don’t even want to go to Hawaii ever again, because sun screen kills the coral reefs. All I want to do is live in a way to minimize my carbon footprint. I would not go to his house even if he invited me.
In light of the privacy issues, Facebook promises to make sweeping changes. I would like to discuss some other issues that Facebook needs to change.
Facebook is a bully. If you have a friend who does not post very much, Facebook will send you messages telling you to message or post on their wall in an effort to make that person post more. People have many different reason for limiting their posting on Facebook. I would never help Facebook by nagging my friends. It would make me look like an annoying, overly emotional and needy person.
I had a friend who committed suicide. I was really upset. I had two weeks before his death invited him to my house to play with dolls. We were doll collectors and he lived very close to me at the time. He did not come and he killed himself. I thought if only he had come, I could have cheered up and he would have lived. He was not posting because he was DEAD. Facebook would everyday demand I should message him and post on his wall. I was forced to unfriend him, because I could not handle daily nagging with a painful memory.
You can not delete your profile, EVER. If you try to delete your profile Facebook makes you solve an unsolvable caption or listen to words and type them back, that I am not able to hear or understand. The best you can do is to make your profile inactive, which means it lies dormant waiting for you to start posting, which is no better than just ignoring your profile.
Facebook won’t let you change your name. There are all kind of name rules and Facebook is always changing them. I can’t pin down what rules are currently.
Facebook assaults your eyes with constant memories that you don’t want to remember. There is no way to turn off the memory feature. Facebook forces you to “celebrate” years of friendship with people who you rarely see or talk to at all. There is no way to stop that. If you don’t “celebrate” the other people may be upset at you.
Facebook wants you to grow old and ugly and share it with the world. Hollywood Celebrities don’t release old-looking photos of themselves, but Facebook was nagging me when I had not change my profile photo for years. Facebook would nag me with the words “Take a new profile photo to show people what you look like now”
The meaning “you are now old and we don’t want people to be fooled by younger photos of you.”
I changed my profile photo after a while, but then I changed it back to the one I wanted. Each time you change your profile, Facebook spams all your friends about it.
You can not delete the profile spam. The best you can do is go into setting for the photo and make it private.
If you change relationship status, but don’t want to have all your friends spammed, you are not allowed. I would go and delete the relationship spam from my profile, but that would change my relationship back to the way it was. I had to go and quickly make it private, but people saw it anyway, as they were all instantly spammed. I am sure people are just waiting for me to be “single” so they can jump on the old lady train that is me. LOL This is not even funny. I am humiliated by Facebook.
Facebook demands your phone number and shares it with your “friends”who you may not want to speak with on the phone. Facebook “calls” people on your behave on the phone apps. It often does this by “accident” If you don’t give your phone number, they can lock you out of your account forever.
Facebook creates feuds between people, and if it does not like words that you are typing, it will freeze you from being able to post or give you a timeout.
I lost touch with a friend who moved to Europe. It turns out she had been posting a lot about a band she was in. I was not following the daily posts she made about her band. So, when I wrote to her, she did not even reply. There is no way I can go see her band in Europe. I used to see them when they were in the US. Facebook lost me my friend. I don’t know if some of my friends put my conversations on mute. It’s hard to say goodbye to the lady with the band. I knew her in real life. Maybe she gets so many message from old friends, she stopped even reading them at all?
Some people post many times per day to Facebook. It is too much to keep up with all of that. Some people never post for many years, and then I wonder what is up with them. I try to post a little bit, but not very much, just to keep things running smoothly, but I resend having to do so. I feels like work and not fun anymore. I prefer to post to Twitter. I don’t have friends on Twitter, and I like it much better. Ok, I do have one friend on Twitter now, but we never see each others post.
I love my friends and family. Facebook take your friends and sells them back to you, and then bullies you. I follow my friends, but I often do not see their posts in my newsfeed. The feed favors groups, pages and ads. There is a way to put “see first” on, right now, but I am not sure if that really works. They are always changing and creating more things to do that are a lot of work for us. If you have a friend in which their friends post things to their page, you will end up seeing posts that are from their friends in your feed and not from that person you want to keep in touch with.
I am not going to take it anymore. To show Facebook who is the Boss, I am not going to ever buy any product from a Facebook Ad. If we stopped supporting those companies who create Facebook Ads, the economic losses will force Facebook to stop bullying us.
Update: There are so many thing wrong with Facebook, that I forgot some of them. Facebook won’t accept Yahoo Mail anymore. I changed from my Yahoo Mail to a Proton Mail, but I did not like Proton Mail, so I got a new Yahoo Mail. When I try to change to my new Yahoo, it says this email is disabled. As if I had done something bad. I had just opened the new yahoo a few minutes before, so I am sure I did not have to time to go on Facebook and do something bad and get my account deleted. So, now I am stuck with Proton mail like it for not, just for the Facebook Account. I was able to change everything else to Yahoo, but now I have to keep a whole separate email just for because Facebook. This issue was later revisited, and the problem remains unsolved.
Updated: 4/6/ 18 I knew this would happen, they want to charge money for Facebook to protect us. I don’t agree. Facebook is an out of control monster. If it did not exist we would not need it. If one does not have a Facebook ones life is severely limited. Without a Facebook people think one is a weirdo or a degenerate with something to hide. One’s ability to find jobs can be limited. Linkedin owned by Microsoft is too annoying and the interactions are forced. At one point LinkedIn demanded we endorse each other for skills that we did not know anything about. How can I vouch for strangers whim I don’t know in real life?
I only keep a Facebook to see my friends and families updates. I don’t enjoy it. By the way I could pay for Facebook, but all internet services want us to buy monthly subscriptions. There is a limited to how many services one can afford. On the surface a small monthly fee for Facebook seems reasonable, but not in light of all the other services demanding monthly fees. Apple devices won’t work properly or play music without a monthly fee. I can’t use Mircosoft Word for my documents with buying a subscription. You Tube demands a subscription called Red. Netflix and Hulu demand a fee for basic TV watching. Every Company now wants money. I only give to companies that have been, in the past. I do not reward undesirable behavior with cash. It’s too late for Facebook to change its ways, and stop bullying and nagging me to nag my friends.
Updated: If you use Messenger app on your phone, Facebook will allow your “friends” to call you if they don’t have your phone number. My phone started to ring over and over, it was a guy I added because we had chatted on a public profile. He would not stop calling so I had to pick up and tell him this is very inappropriate. I told him he not call me anymore, and he went insane and began to send me messages accusing me of contacting him under different names, and said I was the one to blame, and he was going to report me to Facebook as harassing him, so I blocked him. Facebook should not give my number to “friends” at all. If I want to give someone my number, only I should have that power. Messenger allows them to call you without knowing what your number is, but that is not already with me. If you deny Facebook your phone number, they can lock you out of your account and not to mention they will nag you night and day to add your number so, you can recovery your account. Facebook will never be forgiven and they will never get even one penny from in the future. Even if Facebook read this blog, made all of my changes, I will won’t forgive them for all the problems they have caused for me. My suggestions are not brilliant insights they are common sense. If Facebook is so confused that they need to be taught social manners about nagging by me, there is no help or hope for them. The world would be a better place Without Facebook. I hope Mark Zuckerberg will just retired to his huge Hawaii Estate (which none of us could afford to buy), that he bought with Facebook Money and just go away.
I found this thing on Twitter called Ipsy and I wanted to try getting make up samples, but when they came, they were nothing at. I got a make up sponge, a black eye liner pen, clear lip gloss, and I am like where is the actually make up? They do not tailor it to your interests. They make you fill out what products you like and your skin tone, but the send the same thing to everyone, so I was like cancel. I want another one so I tried the next best one, which seemed to be Allure, so I am like ok, and Allure wants me to buy sex toys. I am like what, I wanted make up, so I go to their Twitter to complain and lo and behold, it’s filled with porn, like I am some sex crazed weirdo when I am over 50 years old, ready to be a grandmother. I know the magazine Cosmopolitan is filled with sex in every issue, but I had no idea about Allure. It turns out to owned by Conde Nast and the New Yorker. I blame the New Yorker for sending me porn spam. Let me explain, I used to like the New Yorker in the 90s it went to way downhill. My mother, who is senile, insisted on it anyway, but if she knew how disreputable they are, I could get her to cancel the New Yorker. Actually it is cancelled because I did not renew it. I don’t want the makeup anymore either. I need to cancel the whole thing. It’s not that easy, because they have my credit card and I don’t have pay pal with them.
Updated: Inspite of the cancellation, I got an email saying the make up is on its way. The New Yorker is owned by Condé Nast.
Updated: The makeup was pretty good, it could have been a bit better, but at least there were a few color products included unlike Ipsy’s box, which just had skin care and nothing with color. Ipsy did have an eye shadow, but it was in David Bowie Gold, but not Gold enough to use for Halloween, so it was kind of pointless. No one would wear it day-to-day unless they were under 30. It was not professional quality makeup for work. I also got clear lip oil, another black eye liner pen and a very expensive make up sponge. If I want another of those it costs 10 dollars. It was a pretty good sponge, but who would spend 10 dollars on a make up sponge? Just my luck, I am SURE all the other boxes are better than the box that month, and I only got it for that month. There ought to be a way to opt out or each box needs to have a number of color make up samples to try. You get ipsy get a make up bag, each month. The one I got was one to color in with pens to color with and I am like NOT an artist. I am not going to color in a bag. I wanted like a pink or gold bag or something pretty enough to actually use. The bag is like a smoke screen. At least it should have been a pretty bag for March 2108. The coloring bags were all ugly, even if the “artist” stayed in the lines because the design was ugly. Why do these things happen to me? Its like buying a lottery ticket and then getting something useless that you take home and keep for a while, then throw it out, when you clean up because you have too much junk already.
I Love Dick is a TV show made by Amazon Prime was cancelled January 2018.
Most people are incensed by the TV Show which showed the main character behaving very selfishly, but did you know, it’s all real?
A woman named Chris married to a Holocaust Scholar named Sylvère Lotringer pursues a single man sculptor (Kevin Bacon) inside an artist colony located in Marfa, Texas. Based on an autobiographic novel by Chris Kraus called I Love Dick. All the people in the show are real people. The woman is the writer of the book, her husband is Sylvère Lotringer is really an intellectual who hosted William S. Burroughs at Nov Con in 1978, and published a literary journal called Semiotexte, and is actually a Holocaust Scholar.
I still don’t know why it has been cancelled, but one of the producers, I believe was involved in the Me Too Scandal. But, this does not seem like a reason to cancel it, just fire him and move on. It could have been cancelled, because the story was all told, but it did not have definite ending. Is the woman going be with Kevin Bacon or her husband?
This show may go down along with (The Sopranos and Lost) as one of the worse ending in the history of shows. If they knew it was only a one season deal, why leave all the plotlines unresolved? The only clue is that Chris Kraus and Sylvère Lotringer got divorced in 2016. Which means her marriage does not work out, but does she get with Kevin Bacon?
“‘As with I Love Dick, all the facts are true, says Kraus.” From an article in the Guardian.
I also found out from the source Kevin Bacon is Dick Hebdige. Since he was British, I am thinking Hugh Grant would have been right for the part of Dick.
All Kevin Bacon had to say about the role was he hoped his character would be given more depth. Now, I have to read the book and Chris Kraus wrote another book that sounded interesting, Aliens and Anorexia.
Chris Kraus compares I Love Dick to Queer by William S. Burroughs, but I don’t see the two as similar. For one thing, Joan is never mentioned in Queer, and Burroughs and Joan were not really married. Burroughs spend months traveling with his obsession, Allerton, Adelbert Lewis Marker without Joan. I got the understand that Joan knew the score and they were in a Platonic relationship at that point. I don’t think Burroughs killing Joan had anything to do with Marker, I think it was just an accident. But, I discovered that Marker was there when Joan was shot and he was first one to help Joan. Everyone else was too stunned to do anything.
I was very negative about Macy’s in online posts. I just found out the removed the Macy’s at the Stonestown Galleria and now I am upset. The building used to house The Emporium. That is why it means a lot of me. I could still see traces of The Emporium. I did not my character’s name for my novel or rather online collection of chapters based on the name Macy’s. I wanted to use the name, after over 10 years, my character had no name and was called Agent M, but then (at last) the name Macy came to me. But, there it was nothing to do with the store Macy’s.
I can see the reason Macy’s failed. The prices were too high. The quality was not very good. But, all clothes and things seem to have gone down in quality. The clothes were all very high-priced, unless you could find them on a sale rack. I would sometimes buy clothes there, but I liked Nordstrom better. I could not afford Nordstrom either, but it was more because I was being cheap and not really that I could not afford them. I don’t buy a lot of dress clothes. They have to be dry cleaned and I don’t have the interest in them. I don’t live in San Francisco anymore, but I still go back there to see my rental houses. I had some problem with buying items. I was trying to buy earrings and the clerks would tell me to come back at the sale day and when I did I could not get any clerks attention. I was really upset. I had a charge card, but they placed a block on it. I had an Emporium account, and they had made it turn into Macy’s, but I could not use the charge. Once I bought a blender on that charge, they sent the bill late and charged me double the price of the blender. I had a big fight with them over that, I finally I was able to prevail. But, it was not like the sold items, they sold credit to people, and I was so freaked out by that. I was afraid to have a Macy’s Charge. I mean god knows what they were fixing to charge me. So, there was a lot of bad feelings. I made ranting blogs called “I hate Macy’s,” but I deleted them. At least I hope I did. I am sorry for that. I did not want them to go out of business. I wanted them to improve not die. Why do people get the wrong idea? I complain because I want change, I don’t want to cause harm without change. So, I am sorry Macy’s.
Today 3/20/18 I went to Macy’s in Santa Rosa and I bought an Ottoman. To try and support Macys. The clothes are not my style, but the Ottoman was something I really liked. I had been looking for one like this for two years. It is leather and its white.
I looked up a list of closing stores, why mine? There are lots of other stores to close. I don’t know what will happen to the building now. I missed the closing. I did not know about it. I heard on the News vaguely some Macy’s were closing, but I did not put two and two together.
Here is the Macy’s stores closing list for 2018.
Laguna Hills Mall, Laguna Hills, CA
Westside Pavilion, Los Angeles, CA
Novato (Furniture), Novato, CA
Stonestown Galleria, San Francisco, CA
The Oaks, Gainesville, FL
Miami (Downtown), Miami, FL
Magic Valley Mall, Twin Falls, ID
Honey Creek Mall, Terre Haute, IN
Birchwood Mall, Fort Gratiot Township, MI
Fountain Place, Cincinnati, OH
Burlington Town Center, Burlington, VT
I really miss the way department stores were in the 70s and early 80s. I used to go to Department stores as entertainment. I was a kid, I had no money to buy stuff, but I would hang out in the mall at Stonestown. I would go to the book store and read books. I would get an ice cream at Baskin Robins if I had enough money saved up. I would often ride my bike from Park Merced were I lived and go to Stonestown. I would chain the bike to any post I could find. There was a store called Bullocks Department store. The store was located at the opposite side of mall from where Macy’s is now. Macy’s was the Emporium. The Galleria was an outdoor mall, but there was a food court and located at the same end as the Bullocks. They had greasy Chinese food. The food at the food court was terrible, but I would go there sometimes. Bullock’s had a makeup department with natural day light. The makeup was on a bridge to the rest of the mall. All of this has been torn down. There was a clothing store called Judy’s that I really liked in the first part of the Mall near the Bullocks. The Bullocks had a teenaged department with a real jute box, that played popular music for free. I used to play Paul McCartney and Wings. I would select it, and wait for the song. I loved the clothes, but I could not afford them.
Most of my hostility toward Macy was based on how they took away the Emporium from me. The Emporium was my mother’s favorite store. She took me there every weekend, from ages five to ten. Macy’s and the stores that replace the Emporium and Bullocks were not fun places to go. They focused on just selling items, not being a fun experience.
I also loved the makeup at the Emporium. I saved up to buy just one container of Ralph Lauren Lip Gloss. The shade was so perfect, but when I went to buy more Ralph Lauren Make up had gone of business. I could never find such a perfect color ever again.
At Christmas they had rides for children, and a train that would go around the mall.
Woolworth was also there and that was a fun store. I could look there for hours. They had toys and dime store dolls. Woolworth closed and we got Walgreens. Walgreens is strictly for buying items and then leaving at once. No one is encouraged to linger anymore.
All the fun was sucked out of the Stonestown Mall and replaced with commercialism. By 1990, the fun was all gone. I think a new business model for retail stores should focus on making shopping fun again. We can buy things on Amazon, but where do we go for fun? Kids are too young for bars. Drinking is harmful to your health. What if we want a fun place to take the family that is wholesome? There is nothing right now. I hope that changes.
All Secrets are Revealed in shockingly honest interview
Woodleaf (Master of the House)
Ann (His Wife)
Macy (His Public Relations Agent or Media Rep.)
Cracky the Parrot (locked in his cage)
Two Federal Agents (based on Mulder and Scully)
minor contributions from Heidi Manyhats and Instagram
Ann has discovered Woodleaf telling people he meets on the golf course, that S. Owl is his wife. Ann was so upset, she decided to delay the conversation to a time in which they could all sit down and discuss the situation.
Ann: I think it’s time you tell me everything about Squirrely Owl.
Woodleaf: Although honesty is certainly not in my nature, I’m going to tell you everything about Squirrely Owl.
The idea of Squirrely Owl, my fake wife, was that Squirrely Owl would be a fake woman that I would create. S. Owl is musically inclined, therefore I can create compositions with Audacity Music Software, and claim that Squirrely Owl wrote them and performed them. Her personality has touches of Andy Warhol, and if I was a woman, I would be just like her. Her cleavage is generous. (Woodleaf laughs to himself, and tries to suppress it.) S. Owl lives in Prague. This means the regular sites they look up people’s names and provide information minor about them here, in the U.S. do not apply to her. It is not possible for someone in the US to find out if she exists. I listed a number of concert dates for S. Owl with venues and times in 2017, but it would be very unlikely that an American could go to Prague, just to check and see if S. Owl was to appear. One of the past venues, I had picked for S. Owl, had a sort of open mic or free day or big party with guests, that were not listed. Clearly therefore, S. Owl could have been one of those guests. I also often listed the events on the website, after they had already happened, as an afterthought, in case anyone interested fan was local to Prague. When I listed the venues, I made sure they did not archive past events on their websites. It would take a visit to Prague and tickets to an upcoming concert to see S. Owl to prove she is real, but I am not having any more concerts. I was discouraged by the failure of the Manson Concert. Furthermore concerts and live appearances are dangerous. All kind of destruction can happen at a concert.
Macy: But, the Billy Joel concert was a huge success.
Woodleaf: I did not say, all concerts were out forever. I am just taking a sabbatical from concerts for while.
Macy: Why does S. Owl’s name keep changing? She would be easier to follow if she kept a more consistent name. I did explain, she used to perform under a number of different names, so they more names the better. If her name is not consistent it will be harder to prove or disprove she is real. Cracky wanted her to be named Screechy Owl because a Screech Owl is a certain type of owl, (that Cracky admires) but she ended up being named Squirrely Owl because of the amount of insanity in the interview, that I wrote for her. I pointed out to Cracky, there was not enough evidence of screeching on the part of S. Owl to merit the moniker of Screechy.
Cracky is still in a sulky mood over this. Right now, he pretends he is unable to talk. But soon he will have to talk again.
The hardest thing about creating and then maintaining a fake person is the consistency of photos, that I’m posting online. I managed to obtain photos of a woman who was not too fat or too thin, and had round owl like glasses to be the base unit model for S. Owl, composite woman. I wrote the first fake interview for Squirrely Owl. I, myself, being both the Interviewer and Squirrely Owl, was able to make the Interviewer say things that make it seem like Squirrely Owl was actually a real person. “I have been to see your concerts twice,” says the Interviewer, as if Squirrely Owl actually had concerts.
I bought another website, called Black Curtains, and uploaded the interview to the website. The Interview, is naturally, in Czechoslovakian. Americans can’t actually read it without Google Translate. I created questions and answers to make S. Owl look talented, artistic, esoteric, and above all snobby and exclusive like me. If I were S. Owl, I would say, what she said.
People don’t research things unless they have interest in those things. There are so many things that interest people online, now that the online experience has become tailored to each person’s unique interests. One can follow only the topics they like such as politics or no politics, music or no music, sports, and if so only certain sports. No one follows all sports, and no one has time to follow and research all topics or even all the topics in a narrow range of focus.
Lauren’s Notes: Stanisław Lem wrote a book called The Cyberiad. In this whimsical and sarcastic science fiction novel, two robots travel the Galaxy. In one of the chapters (which the author calls Fables of the cybernetic age) they are held hostage by a pirate who demands not treasure, but information. In order to escape the robots create a version of the Internet. The book was published in 1965 in Polish and in English in 1974, before the conception of the Internet. The Pirate is overwhelming by too much irrelevant information, giving the robots time to escape. In modern times there no is mental ability as important as narrowing in on useful information and filtering out useless information and advertisements. Without such skills the user drowns in data without achieving his or her actual objective for researching in the first place. However if ones focus is too narrow he or she becomes an expert on his or hers topics of interest, but remains ignorant on other topics. Other topics can help and support ones knowledge, even if it appears unrelated to the topic of interest at first. For example wind speed can effect the game of golf.
Macy: In the Interview, what did S. Owl say about Omus?
Woodleaf: She said, she had to miss the Omus concert. Naturally, since he is one of my “friends” I like to throw his name around like he is really important. But, of course, I may not have heard from him, because if I reached the end of the joke/prank which is the “Big Reveal” at the end of the Long Con, Omus may be too pissed off to speak to me ever again. It’s a risk I have to take. It’s certainly not my fault if people get upset, when they are lied to, but if someone lies to me, I will surely have a fit and scream at them. When I lie it is artful and significant. When other people lie is because they have low quality characters. That is because I am a Great Artist.
Macy: Is Omus really as important as Jandek? The independent musical sensation Jandek has more views on his You Tube Channel, then your friend Omus.
Woodleaf: That is beside the point. I don’t measure popularity by what the common man embraces.
I had a series of photographs of Squirrely Owl and some children, but no photographs of her and myself together, obviously. I could have of superimposed my hands on her shoulders like in my other fake photos, such as with Mr. Simplicity . When I wanted to look like I had touched people’s shoulders in Nueva Germania, I would superimpose my hands there, so people would not think I had just copy pasted a photo of myself in with the Nueva Germanians. But, the joke was the photo was from my Grandfather’s Nursing home. The photo was indoors, and it was not taken in Nueva Germania. None of the photos taken were in Nueva Germania. I put them in black and white to make them harder to discern. People were fooled by some fake street signs, I had made up with misspelled names. Later I posted a photo of myself and a woman in a boat holding the signs, so people would know the signs were fake and they had been tricked. Strangely, the public outcry was not as large as I expected, so I decided to cancel the Big Reveal with Nueva Germania. It’s cliché to copy paste in Photoshop, because everyone knows photo image manipulation now. They can even use a free program called the Gimp, instead of paying for Photoshop. That is why I don’t use manipulated photos as much as I used to.
Part of the fun of having S. Owl’s photos appear with children was, in particular, to horrify women and girls who are baby sitters. They think I may be dangerous to those children, after I revealed my kidnapping scheme for school boys.
Macy: How did you get those photos?
Woodleaf: I stole them from public profiles, but I have all the photos I am ever going to get with the same woman, unless she posts some new public photos. If she does I will scope those up, and post them on her fake facebook, that is under my control.
Editor’s Note: Woodleaf posted this joking Craigslist post
Date: 2008-02-14, 11:46 AM PST
At Discovery Group we have a BLAST reaching and teaching children ages 2-10!.We offer our numerous clients an opportunity to have reliable and competent tutors for their wards. We are looking for instructors who are high energy, reliable, and willing to let their hair down and have fun with kids. No “art” experience is required. Background in working with children is a preferable (daycare, schools, camp counselors, nanny, Sunday school, baby sitting…). Instructors are expected to lead children through a series of art projects (lesson plans provided), complete prep work, aide in hosting birthday parties, set up and clean up, and explain and answer questions about our program to potential customers.
A bit more about us…
To aide in the development of each individual child’s talents and abilities our instructors lead students through the process of creativity.
Why we exist:
It is the mission of Discovery Group to encourage instructors to explore creativity in every child, experience artistic freedom and success, acknowledge and appreciate differences, and grow in self-confidence and discovery.
Sound like a good fit? Please contact us via email….
Woodleaf: The Discovery Group ( if people researched it) was shown to be a group of Bears. The email was fake, but I had another gmail listed so they could reply to that one. No one uses Hotmail.
Macy: Yes, I tried Hotmail, but some sort of issue caused it to be impossible to log in.
Woodleaf: Correct, once you make a Hotmail Address, you will never be able to log in again.
Macy: The only thing worse than Hotmail is AOL.
Ann: I still use AOL.
Woodleaf and Macy fall silent and look at her.
Macy: (changing the subject) What do you mean by Bears?
Woodleaf: Yes, Bears! Like in the online game Triple Town. You try to build a town while angry bears roam the streets. I tried to capture that in my rare attempt to create a musical composite work called the Jungle Book Song, but I could not get it the way I wanted. I never finished the project.
Woodleaf: Maybe the fooled people would try to contact S. Owl to warn her? That would prove to me, that those people were fooled. I would answer them back as my fake wife, and begin an entire fake correspondence. What would I say? Something like my husband is a wounderful role model to our five children. Maybe I should make it six?
How can I harm children that are not real, that are born to a fake woman who does not exist? That was the Big Reveal (July 31, 2004) that ruined my relationship with you, Macy, and made you quit the Organization, and become my PR agent just to be close to me again.
Macy: I did not become your PR agent until 2016. I did not quit the Organization until 2014. It seemed I had become too old to be a female secret agent. I could no longer seduce men. But, I stayed in the Organization for ten more years after 2004, there was still time for you to make amends with me. Then, I would not of had to become your PR Agent. I know you don’t like my ideas and plans.
Woodleaf: (No Comment) Be that as it may, back to the topic on hand. Squirrely Owl actually didn’t sing or (maybe she did sing) or maybe I just used a voice changer. If I don’t show her singing, who is to say, she is the singer?
Macy: The versions of Sandy Neverstop seem all different. Does she have a loud strong voice or a soft quiet voice?
Woodleaf: She can have any voice that I feel like uploading. I invented Revolving Records to make it look like I had been signed, and that she had been signed.
Macy: But you could have used promotional websites for unsigned bands?
Woodleaf: If I was to appear unsigned, I don’t think Apple Music would have accepted S. Owls music. Lots of music artists, in particular rappers, who get dropped from their labels create their own labels to promote music made by themselves and a few close friends. I uploaded S. Owl’s fake parents and fake uncle to Wikipedia, as great artists worth of Wikipedia, I found a black and white photo of some historical time, which shows a man and woman playing various instruments. No one can contact them as they are dead already, and my research sources were my own online websites. It is fairly easy to search for a copyright free photo on Wikipedia Commons of unknown people who can be copy and pasted to any background for example in a photo of Neuva Germania. Here are some people ready to be cut and pasted on to any background.
Cracky: The dog looks like a ghost.
Woodleaf: Yes, Cracky that is a lost ghost dog.
To make S. Owl’s music, I took a bunch of sounds from different instruments to make a big hodge-podge, in fact, I wanted to make a salad! In the same way, I was going to make a salad with Foxgloves leaves to kill the Old Bat, (Helen) in 2004, when I thought I could inherit her money and property, but those retards got in my way. I called S. Owls debut album, Lamprey, an Electronic Salad with Classical Spices, on the two fake websites I bought for her. It was not enough to buy Sandy Vitriol dot com, I also bought Sandy Vitriol dot org.
Macy: I remember, Helen (the Old Bat) left her houses and money to an Institute that helps handicapped people live a full life in spite of their mobility impairments. You told me about her when we took a boat out on the San Francisco Bay.
Woodleaf: Those unfit individuals need to be eliminated for the good of society. But, I digress. In the fake interview, I had S. Owl say that the only music she likes is classical. I believe this gives her some sort of legitimacy for writing Pop Music.
Macy: I would not call it Pop Music.
Woodleaf: It’s a mash-up of many different electronic sounds and noises over some sort of panting vocalization, it’s not actually singing. Many people make audio tracks like this and upload to different places. Each time S. Owl is played on iTunes, I get less than a penny. It was not for the money, that I created S. Owl. It was so people would feel jealous of me, and my ex-girlfriends would regret not marrying me, now that am married to S. Owl.
Ann: You are married to me. My name is Ann.
Woodleaf: Yes, dear, but you are not musical, and I have a pet name for you.
Woodleaf: under his breath, “Your Royal Dumpiness.”
Ann: (urgently) What’s that name?
Woodleaf: (loudly) Your Royal Highness
Ann: (gushing with pride) I love that name! I am part English on my Mother’s side and part Swedish on my Father’s side, and I love Queen Elizabeth.
Woodleaf: Ahem, continuing with the story of S. Owl. I uploaded the fake interview with the photos of Squirrely Owl, to the fake website. I, then, created a Facebook for S. Owl and made lots of friends for her. People in artistic circles are quite anxious to follow each other as a means of self promotion, but they don’t really care or listen to each other’s music. Online writers don’t read each other’s writing. They are too busy writing.
The main problem is I don’t have anymore pictures of Squirrely Owl to post. So I hired an actress to pretend to be Squirrely Owl. I thought she looked similar. I searched through many pages of women on the website Model Mayhem to find the correct fit. She was taller than the original version. I asked to pick apples from a tree and to pose with a garden hose. Later on, I hired another model who was shorter and thinner. I only used her once to point a gun make of leaves at the audience. Violence is a theme I like to use to unsettle people. The album cover of Lamprey shows an iron bar and an open hand, as if the hand was about to hit someone with the iron bar.
Macy: Not good! See, we don’t agree. You need to use images that make you friendly and approachable. I suggest something like a Panda Bear. Think round, friendly, comforting and cute.
Woodleaf: It does not matter that we disagree on everything about my career, even the cover art on my CDs. I do what I want, and I don’t pay you anything. You work for free. I don’t take your suggestions. I listen to them, but then I don’t take them.
Macy: Seriously, you say you want people to contact you, but you are not willing to provide a friendly environment for them to contact you. Then you refuse to contact people unless they contact you first. That is why you are isolated.
Woodleaf: Yes, Macy, as always your suggestions have been considered and then rejected. I have seen perhaps seven different women playing the role of Sandy Neverstop on You Tube. I don’t think they would dare to confront me or anyone with a compliant. It takes a lot of courage to write an email, one has to reveal an email address to get a reply. This is why I don’t want to appear friendly and easy to contact. I want to keep away negative people.
Macy: But, you are also keeping away the positive people.
Woodleaf: You do have a point, Macy, and I will think it over and maybe I will change in the future. Here is a publicity photo of S. Owl.
Macy looks at the photo.
Macy: This is not the same round-faced woman in the Interview Photo.
Woodleaf: Yes, but no one will look that closely, so it works. It’s so grainy, she could be anyone. I faded and altered it with Photoshop.
Macy: I have added makeup to make her more attractive, in the style of Miranda Sings. Here she is, playing her violin!
Macy: But, honestly, Woodleaf, would you not rather have real friends, then fake ones? Someone to take you to dinner on your birthday? Someone to go to the park with on a nice day?
Woodleaf: Not really, I don’t get that attached to people.
Cracky: (loudly from another room) He’s a sociopath.
Woodleaf: Shut up, Cracky. I am moving you down to the basement. Just a minute, I will be right back.
Woodleaf takes Cracky’s cage down to the basement and comes back.
Woodleaf: Sorry about that interruption. S. Owl doesn’t necessarily NOT exist, but what is her real name, and who is she? The point of contention would be if she was actually married to me, and is she willing to join me and my quest to sell boxes? I know people want to see the following items, a wedding photo, a marriage license, some video of the wedding, but I don’t have these, at least not at this time. I may be able to figure out how to create them in the future.
Woodleaf: Do you remember my famous quote “A bride burns her bridges having fallen in love, and becomes a flatten out version of her former self?”
Macy: I don’t recall that quote.
Woodleaf: It was one of the quotes in the book, I mailed to Burroughs, that impressed him so much that he decided to invite me to move to Lawrence, Kansas so I could be with him everyday.
Macy: Yes, I do recall you speaking about your meetings and all the things he was telling you. His sagely wisdom passed down to you, the young man.
Wikipedia allows online websites as sources, so I can get many things onto Wikipedia that are not true, by creating websites. Someday, I will hit Jimbo Wales, the head of Wikipedia, with the Big Reveal. All of what I carefully uploaded to Wikipedia is fake or almost all of it was fake, and it stayed online for years. I am sure his top would blow just like Tom Jumbo-Grumbo. He will spout water, like a whale, when he finds out. I will laugh for weeks.
Note: The long con may be looked up on Wikipedia for clarification.
Woodleaf: It would be too pedestrian for any wife of mine, to have to work, and since I made her very rich, she only makes music for the art of it. S. Owl doesn’t have any career other than to make electronic music, that is really mine, and of course, none of this is able to be verified or validated. The music is about plant consciously and karma between animal species. For example the cat kills the song bird, then karma kicks in and something bad happens to my ex girlfriend’s cat. I put down that she is a strict music teacher in her Wikipedia, which I created for her in November 2016 under the user name of Swimming. I have so many usernames on Wikipedia. S. Owl is very unforgiving if her imaginary pupils make a mistake in what they should or should not believe, about my career and history. Getting it wrong or laughing underneath their breath merits a slap on the knuckles with a rhythm stick, or my conductor’s baton. The same one I used to wave around when musicians whom had been tricked into showing up and playing, at my various events in Los Angeles such as the funeral for the Pelican. However, for the Pelican Funeral, I switched the baton to a pliers, as the brown pelican had been murdered with a pliers. Most of the people fleed in terror, until only 25 remained out of 300 to start with. I knew I had to start making it harder for people to leave in the middle of one of my concerts.
I pretended I was the director of a non-existent chamber music group, when people asked me what I did for my career, I Siad I was the director of a chamber music choir. When they asked where I went to school, I said The New School of Social Reserach.
I did not tell them, I had not even graduated high school, because I was too undisciplined, and I had too much ADD to sit still. I learned early on that most people make themselves look better than they really are. They say, they graduated high school or even went to college, when they did not. It is all a phony racket, anyway. No one needs college or even high school to be a self-made rich man. It’s not like anyone is going to check my college degrees, since I am not applying for any jobs, and to do so is a violation of my right to privacy. I decided the college I would select was The New School of Social Research. But, I don’t list my graduation date, because its implied. I only attended high school, and that was in the late 70s, but did not graduate.
I used many of the same musicians that I conducted during the funeral of the holocaust victim. I pursued his (old lady) injured wife around her hospital room, trying to give her a musical score of her prerequiem, which she thought was the kiss of death, until she had to hire private security guards to prevent me from coming in to her room, and so did the San Francisco Chronicle. They hired a large African-American Gentleman, whom I was at odds with because he would not let me inside to confront the column writers with my demands that they include my press releases in their daily column write ups. Macy, you thought you would have to take on the role of Lynette “Squeaky” Fromme, because you could not see how you fit into the plan of arguing with the SF Gate Newspaper Security guard.
Macy: Why not make a YouTube Video with you waving your stick around and S. Owl singing or playing something? There is still time to make S. Owl more real.
Woodleaf dramatic aside: See how quickly Foolish Macy begins to believe things I say over and over. It’s like she is hypnotized. Yes, Macy that is my pet name for you, Foolish Macy.
Woodleaf Normal Speaking Voice: S. Owl is supposed to be rich, like you Ann, and supposed to be giving money to the poor masses. Like AnnaLynne McCord, the actress from 90210, S. Owl is also a philanthropist. That makes it seem like I am really rich, which makes me feel happy and successful. Just knowing that everybody knows that I am married to Squirrely Owl, and I’m rich, makes me happy.
Squirrely Owl makes these records (distributed by my fake company Revolving Records,) but of course nobody wants to buy, The Squirrely Records, or should I say, Cassettes. But, I don’t tell anyone that. Since my career was at the point when nobody would actually buy anything that I made anyway, due to my tendency to just keep the money, and not send them anything. It some cases that was the Big Reveal. That is why my Paypal Account was cancelled, and besides which I can’t make it back to Juniper Hills very often to look in P O Box 666 for any checks. The Dreamachine was too much work to mail, the cardboard top would get bent. The box that fit it was too expensive, and it took too much in postage. The box was oversized and oddly shaped. I explained this in the long story I wrote about my life and posted it online in late 2004. I had a hearty laugh at the buyers expenses in my quest for Infinite Trolling.
Macy: Explain Infinite Trolling.
Woodleaf: The terms come from the David Foster Wallace Book, Infinite Jest. And it’s pretty self-explanatory. None of my art turns out to be real art for the sake of art. All of my art is based on some kind of fraud, where I cheat the buyer. The buyer thinks he is getting one thing, like a mind machine that will get him legally high without having to ingest potentially harmful and costly substances. But, instead he gets a headache.
The time I promised I would show my guest, New Wave Music Videos, and instead I put forward my kidnapping scheme. What kind of person would that of made her if she was willing to break the law and face jail, all to please me? A very stupid person indeed, as I would let her take the rap for the crimes. I would be infinitely amused, or at least laugh for a very long time. Then I would have John Money for Nothing Paint a picture of her with a shaved head and an X carved into her forehead, because the stupefying of Macy would be complete. These type of activities (which I never stop) are called Infinite Trolling. That is why the original fake name for my fake wife was Sandy Neverstop, as in Never Stop Trolling, and Never Be Real.
When I uploaded fake information about Mildred N. Swords, another fake person I made up, to the Planet Juniper Website, I knew the residences of the Planet Association would be upset. I had no idea how upset. I assumed, they would be a little bit upset, and they would call me and demand an explanation. But, they never called me. I never called them. So, I never got to the Big Reveal Stage, in which I planned to link their town with Nueva Germania. I have never been to Nueva Germania, myself, the trip is too dangerous. I don’t speak any Spanish. Then after they found out that Mengele lived there, which I had planned to add to Wikipedia, they would have been so upset, that at that point, they would have disavowed me. Mengele however, most likely did not live there, but he traveled there. I just wanted to make people more upset by flinging the Mengele name around. This creates stress. Planet Juniper made a statement to disavow me, and uploaded to their new website, but in a PDF form of minutes from their meetings. Google does not index the PDFs, and no one can find these documents, if they search for my name. So, it is no big deal to me, what they did to me. I wrote the story “A Cheesy Woody Allen” about them, after that.
The Big Headed Woman, either never saw what I posted about her, and the photos I posted of her, or she did not care, because she never called me after I was forced to leave her home in Canada. I continued to try to call her daughter, who was 11. I wanted to share the drawing inside Cracky’s Magazine, The Boy Friend. The artwork was black and white line drawing of her and her two sisters singing the National Anthem of North Korea, and of me conducting them, and also lots of other drawings of prominent people. The cover was reminiscent of the Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band album cover. It looked like a coloring book. I encouraged people to color in the drawing to personalize it, so later it would become worth money, and I could sell it on Ebay as a one of the kind item. I am still, after all, also a businessman, beside my many other careers and talents. I knew once the girl grew older, if I could not continue to influence her, she would grow up and begin to reject me. No one wants to talk on the phone with me. I can be very difficult for no reason on the phone. I have not learned phone manners. I know how to behave properly, it’s not like I am autistic, but often I choose to behave poorly. I make it impossible for the other party to get a word in edgewise, as I dominate the whole conversation to make me right and them wrong. I change the facts many times until they give up, and begin to believe some version of my lies.
Making a new fake person to do music as in ( S. Owl), gives me a clean slate and a chance to start over as a person without my reputation of cheating and deceiving, getting in the way of the marketing or the appreciation of my music. At last my music would be appreciated without the burden of me being connected to it. Unfortunately S. Owl’s music (my new music) was not popular, so I have not updated the website. I am thinking of trashing the whole project for something else. I doubt you will be hearing much from S. Owl in the future, as I am on to other things.
Macy: That is a good idea. I don’t think S. Owl is the kind of image we want for ourselves. I wish I was young and good-looking again. I would like to be a model for your cover art.
Woodleaf: No, Macy you look too Jewish.
Macy: But, I looked good at certain angles, I don’t understand, and I am a real person.
Woodleaf: I love you for your mind Macy, not for your appearance. If you wanted to appear, we would find you a different model to appear as you. Don’t take it personally, that is just the way it is.
Below is the hype Woodleaf posted about his upcoming essay which he released as a PDF.
“With the shifting sands of government in Paraguay, this is a rare opportunity to explore a forgotten facet of the Nietzsche and Wagner legends. Richard Wagner possessed little knowledge of the South American peninsula when he suggested the establishment of an Aryan colony there–in his essay “Religion And Art”, which originally appeared in the Bayreuther Blätter for October of 1880, constituting the whole of that number of the journal, and reappeared shortly thereafter in a compendium of his essays. Six years later, following tremendous recruiting efforts and personal expense, Elisabeth Nietzsche, sister of the philosopher and herself a devout Wagnerite, took the poetic essay at face value and, fueled by the bombast of her agitprop husband Bernhard, realized the Master’s vision. Return soon for Dr. Woodleaf’s English translation of Wagner’s three-part essay–which begins with the following motto from Schiller: “In the Christian religion I find an intrinsic disposition to the Highest and the Noblest, and its various manifestations in life appear to me so vapid and repugnant simply because they have missed expression of that Highest.”
Macy: Do you remember when you wrote an essay called on Art and Religion based on Richard Wagner’s essay on Art and Religion? I read the original essay, as it was free online, and then I read yours and I found you posted the same essay as Wagner’s word for word, but at the end you added a little part about the world going to the Devil again and again. I thought you added, at least, that little part, about the Devil at the end, but when I recheck I could see you uploaded the entire essay unchanged and credited it to yourself. Do you remember when you posted the link to your essay was on sabbatical? I had no idea what the meant. Maybe you were rewriting it? It was confusing to people. Which is why I think you try to be more clear with your art. Why do something fraudulent that can be so easily found out? Why not write a review of the essay or add your own touches to the essay?
Woodleaf: I found the free essay online, but rather than reposting it, I wanted people to think I had translated it. Macy, once again, you did not read carefully. Although I posted the essay as Art and Religion by David Woodleaf. The “by me part” was as a translator. I did not add any of my own writing or ideas to the essay. This was an example of my Art featuring appropriation. I am an Appropriation Artist, with a nod to the chapter in Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace in which the character Ken Erdedy briefly dates a female Appropriation Artist in order to obtain marijuana, which he is addicted to. Being an Appropriation Artist means I can steal any writing, artwork or music sample from the Internet and call it my own without making a modifications, if I so choose not to. I can make a modification if I wish, but it this case I did not choose to.
After a couple of years I removed the essay and pulled the link. That essay did not hang around the Internet, like my more popular essay on Ketamine.
I am obsessed by Eugenics, but I call it family planning. In my Wikipedia it says speculative planners, but my Wikipedia is subject to change. The article I wrote for Vice Magazine online I called it Eugenics. Vice was not afraid to publish the word Eugenics. Vice deleted all the negative comments on my written piece, and they keep it online with no comments, and no new comments allowed to be posted. I am proud of that piece. Real Writers include prominent online magazines, which they have contributed on their bios and biographies.
If I had a colony without the Four Fruits, I would be the natural leader of men, that I should have been. Exactly like Charles Manson wanted to be the King of the New World after the Blacks had won the race war, as explained in the concept of Helter Skelter. But, when I discuss Manson, I only discuss him as John Money for Nothing. Because I don’t want Manson and his craziness ruining my concept of Art. But, I realize that was only a joke. I gave up on the idea of Nueva Germania, when I got possession of Castle Fluffy Clouds.
Macy: If John Money for Nothing is real, he is certainly not a very approachable person. Most people would be too scared to contact him.
Woodleaf: I like it that way. It keeps down the amount of people who may approach him, whom I then have to field off, and it’s a waste of my time to reply to them as him. When I am him, I speak using only obscenities to keep people afraid to ask him any questions or contact him. But, they can order from his website online. I collect merger profits from that.
Macy: If people wanted to get in touch with you, could they contact Cracky? I would like a way for people to be able to get in touch with you and send comments to you. Being plugged into social media is critical these days to be a successful writer.
Woodleaf: Cracky thinks he is too good to answer his fan mail. He is always claiming that he is always on a vacation somewhere, so his excuse is that he is never home. But in truth I keep him here in a cage with me, and he never gets to go anywhere. That is why his Instagram is so uninspired. One would think if he was at all these place he would have an International Instagram, of worldly photos. I do it for him. I take a few camera phone photos for his Instagram. I have no idea why he wants an Instagram, it’s so boring.
Instagram: Woodleaf, we are sorry to interrupt you, but Instagram is not boring. We may be slightly uninspired, but we are fixing that. We now demand that all of our users don’t just post vanity photos of themselves, their lives and their pets, but tell Stories. This new story concept will take us to the top, and will allow us to crush our rival Pinterest.
Woodleaf: Where is that voice coming from? Macy, find it and turn it off.
Macy: I turned it off, it was another unwanted interrupt in our existence. In 2015 when you added S. Owl’s to Wikipedia, would the people not begin to suspect that she was a fake person. And that everyone you associated with is likely fake.
Woodleaf: I hide in plain sight. I would simply claim, it would be so farfetched to create a fake person of such elaborate depth, that they were the crazy ones for not believing it, and I am the sane one. When people call me crazy, I tell them that they are crazy, and my ideas are all perfectly sane. This throws them off base.
Heidi Manyhats: What about the issues that occur when one begins to associate with you? They are all caused by you. It hurts them, but it hurts you even more. What happened to the shinning promise of your early career as a Burroughs enthusiast? Why did it all go down with the Angel’s Flight incident?
Lauren’s Note: Smoke and Mirrors. Smoke and Mirrors are how a Magician does magic illusions. We looked up the definition and found this “Smoke and Mirrors: the obscuring or embellishing of the truth of a situation with misleading or irrelevant information.”
For example, when an Interviewer asked Woodleaf how his concert for Tim McVey turned out, he told a long story of how the person assigned to play the cymbals was clapping them at the wrong times, and had to be dismissed in the middle of the piece. This irrelevant information distracts from the fact, there were no audio or video records of the concert in the Catholic Church, and the concert likely never happened. I think at least one person would have some video or audio of it.
Woodleaf: No, Lauren, slow down, it never actually happened. I just stayed in my hotel room and waiting until it was over, ( I waited for Fox to call me into their studio for an interview, but they never did. ) then I went home. I was told that this plan was a bad idea by everyone, and it would ruin my career, and I did not listen. I did it anyway, it was after that I decided to go even more over the top with shocking and controversial content. I thought the backlash would make me famous with the Alt Right. I never appear in public, and I don’t give speeches or go on stage. I have stage fright. So, it’s hard for my supporters to find me. I don’t do any live appearances, any more. I am losing my hair, and I feel ashamed. The only hair on my head now is on the sides of my head. Later the Priest from the Church in which the fake event was held had to resign over molesting boys. It was a complete disaster and my career never recovered.
Macy: Please explain the Long Con.
Ann: Yes, David, I would very much like to hear why you are running the Long Con on strangers that you meet online.
Woodleaf: The Long Con is different from the short con. First of all as you may assume the long con last a long time. It may take months or years. I get other people to play roles in the description. The Long Con reaches its conclusion when the person buys a box from me, or they finally realize that I am not going to give them what they want. Maybe I say, meet me at a shopping center in the Starbucks and I will bring the box, you want with me, and give it to you, but then I never show up. At that point I disappear, and I see if the person leaves me an angry voice mail or email, and then I have a good long laugh over that. If the person calls me and sincerely asks for an explanation, the game continues. I tell them there is a slight delay, but very soon, they will get what they want. I leave them in that state for as long as possible, because they never will get what they want. I borrow items, and I never give them back. But, I never do anything nice like loan out any items, because then they may not give them back to me. I am so lonely. I have all the time in the world for the Long Con, so I put my email and phone numbers online hoping for gullible people to call or email me asking about things like Castle Fluffy Clouds.
Here is another example of the Long Con. Before I married S. Owl, I attended a local church in San Francisco every Sunday for a year. I would chat with this woman who was a widow. I did this under the name of Spencer Holman, so she would not know who I really was. When she told me she was moving, I made a date with her to have dinner, but then I stood her up at the restaurant. She cried, and I laughed with glee. I did not want to date that widow, she was too old for me, and did not have a musical background.
Ann: You should not be wasting your time with this Long Con. You’re married to me, and you have Cracky. There’s definitely some chores you could do around the house, if you wanted to.
Woodleaf: I would love to help out with the housework, but we know that YOU aren’t actually real, Ann. You are only a hypothetical outcome that could have occurred if I married you, and moved to San Diego with Cracky. I would have only been able to meet you if only my behavior at the hardware store had not been so egregious, when I ran into Macy there. You were there at the Hardware store. I recreated you from the image I had of seeing you there. You are my wife, but Squirrely Owl is the perfect wife, for my online career. She doesn’t exist, ao there’s no chance that she could ever betrayed me or speak to the public about our relationship. She’ll never divorce me. There are so many benefits to having a wife that doesn’t exist. And you know why I am in this situation? It is totally the fault of the Four Fruits. It’s nothing about what I said or did, or perhaps some of the career choices that I made along the way. I think everything I did was fantastic. I just don’t understand why the Four Fruits don’t give me their blessing.
Ann: Maybe if you didn’t spend so much time mocking the Four Fruits and saying derogatory things about them, your career would go better? If you were truly meant to be famous the Four Food Groups would not be able to prevent you from achieving that the fame you want. Less mocking and more empathy, is what you need. I don’t understand even half of the “in” jokes, you are laughing about. Why is my name Ann? Another joke? I don’t find it funny, no one does.
Woodleaf: You said, the Four Food Groups.
Ann: The Four Food Groups are milk, meats, breads and vegetable or fruit.
Woodleaf to Macy: Her hologram has malfunctioned. I don’t know if I can get her back. I have to go into my workshop, in the basement to see if I can rewrite her program.
Woodleaf goes down the basement to work, leaving Macy alone on the main floor. The doorbell rings, and when Macy opens the door, she is surprised to see two Federal Agents.
Male FBI Agent: We are looking for a woman who goes by the name of Sunny Woodleaf. We have reason to believe she may be held on the premises against her will.
Macy: Giggles (self-consciously) Oh no, she doesn’t exist. She is a fake person, that Mr. Woodleaf, my client, made up so he would not look pitiful online.
Male FBI Agent: Even so, we have a warrant and we would like to look around.
Macy: The place is a mess. (Laughs nervously) You better come back and look tomorrow.
Female FBI Agent (To male FBI Agent): I will detain this woman outside while you go inside and look around.
After an exhaustive search of all parts of the house including the basement fails to turn up anything, the Agents leave with dejected faces.
Macy (Calls after them triumphantly) : Her name is not Sunny Woodleaf, it’s Squirrely Owl.
Woodleaf: Sandy Owl, not Sunny Owl.
Macy: Sunny is more cheerful, can we change it to Sunny? Sandy is Hunter Thompson’s ex-wife, or was that Sadie?
Woodleaf: Sadie is completely out. It will remind people of Susan Atkins. Since the FBI thinks her name is Sunny, I agree to a name change from Sandy to Sunny, at your suggestion.
Macy: Jimbo Wales has to be a fake name. Tom Jumbo-Grumbo is a cartoon whale on the show Bojack Horseman. Jimbo and Jumbo and Wales and Whales, there is no way these names are real.
Woodleaf: Everyone needs fake multiple names online. The more companies like Google try to pin us down with “real names” the more we will fight back with multiple fake names.
Macy: We all have a lot of fake names. Vive La Resistance.
The FBI Agents over hear this dialogue and return.
Female Agent To Macy: I don’t think you are taking this seriously. Sunny has not been seen in person since 2015. This timeline coincides with her so-called “marriage” to the your client.
Male Agent: Remember this, accessory to murder, after the fact, carries the same penalty as murder.
Female Agent: Once you are both in prison you will never see each other again.
Male Agent: Yes, two people in prison are never allowed to visit each other.
Female Agent: Are you sure you don’t have something to tell us about the whereabouts of Ms. Woodleaf? At least you would be able to visit your boyfriend here, in prison.
Macy: I have no idea who she is. I have never been to Prague, and I believe she is a made up person. Furthermore, Helen is still alive. My client Woodleaf did not kill anyone.
Female Agent: I want to talk to you without him.
Woodleaf and the Male Agent remain in front of the house talking and the Female Agent and Macy walk over to the side yard area of the large San Diego Home which was bought with Ann’s Trust Fund Money.
Female Agent: (sympathetically) I don’t mean to give you a hard time. I only want to her from you exactly what is going on. I believe you, but I want to be sure that you are free to speak without being influenced.
Macy: I only know what I see and what he tells me, but confidentially, Woodleaf lies all the time.
Female Agent: I understand, but I want you to understand this has been a very frustrating case for me and my partner. We want to get an explanation so the Bureau does not have to waste its time with trivial matters, or call in other Agents. As she is a citizen of Prague, we don’t feel responsible Sunny Woodleaf. But, now you have told me about a woman named Helen. Can you please explain more about her?
Macy: I don’t know, I never met her. I even never saw her photo. But, since she does not have an obituary, and Woodleaf told me she was still alive, I believe she is still alive.
Agent: Ok, but back to the matter of Sunny Woodleaf or Sandy Neverstop or one of the dozen or so alias this woman goes by. We have seen videos posted on You Tube of a woman going by the name Neverstop. We think Woodleaf killed her, and then made up a woman named Vitriol, to take her place.
Macy: Neverstop does not exist either. Have you noticed each video of Neverstop is actually a series of different women? I see Neverstop as being a sort of collective name that any woman can assume and become a singer playing in clubs. Sometimes the footage does not even show a woman at all. The whole thing is a hoax, but it’s bigger than my client. I think you should leave it to the investigators in Europe. Even her name “Neverstop” is a clue, that she is a hoax who does not exist. Those tricky Europeans vow to “Neverstop Hoaxing”, and they are trying to frame my client.
Female Agent: That seems like a good explanation, but why would they want to frame him?
Macy: I don’t know, it could be some sort of payback for the Long Con and the Big Reveal. I told him he really needs to stop doing that, but he is out of control. I can’t make him stop. I know, he went away to Europe for a number of years, and I don’t know what he was doing there.
Female Agent: The timeline is wrong. The footage of Neverstop does not continue after 2015. 2015 was the same year Woodleaf uploaded that he was married to Sunny on his Wikipedia, after he created a Wikipedia article for her. We believe this is around the time he killed her.
Macy: Maybe the Europeans finished The Sunny Neverstop project in 2015?
Female Agent: You just told me they vowed to Never Stop Hoaxing. Your story is filled with inconsistencies, but I want to give you a break. I will just file the report as it is. We have other people to investigate. But, we may be back if Sunny Woodleaf does not turn up soon. The report will say, Neverstop and Vitriol never existed and no homicide has taken place.
After the Agents leave Macy is filled with relief.
Macy to Woodleaf: That was scary, but it all turned out alright.
Woodleaf: I hope so.
Woodleaf found a better photo to represent Sunny Woodleaf, and he sent a copy to the Agents.
Woodleaf: This photo will allow Sunny with Cracky to stand out. It shows her generous assets. Macy’s representation of Sunny merely shows she is jealous, whereas my photo will create interest in whatever Sunny is doing artistically.
PS. People disappear from Social Media all the time. Lara Roxx has disappeared from all of her social media accounts, and you are not looking for her.
Note: She is from Canada. The FBI is not currently looking for Lara Roxx, who is looking for TT Boy. Both of them have disappeared due to some bad luck involving the number 13 and the years 2004 and 2011.
Note: Cracky is not actually a parrot, he is a macaw. Most people call any talking bird a parrot. Parrots and other talking birds in the Parrot Family repeat words that they hear humans use.
Planet Juniper is noting the following updates to Woodleaf’s Outgoing Voice Mail Message
You have reached Woodleaf, Castle Fluffy Clouds and all things Woodleaf.
Please listen carefully as our menu options have changed
Please select from the following options
To Tour Nueva Germania Press 1
To Tour Castle Fluffy Clouds Press 2
To buy a Dreamachine Press 3
To buy a Wishing Machine Press 4
To buy another box or anything else press 5
To book my fake wife for a concert, hang up and call 911, as she does not exist, and you are insane
Caller Presses 3
To buy a Dreamachine please send a check for $666 to PO Box 666
and wait for your Dreamachine to arrive as, they are made on demand from scratch, from items found at the Goodwill, and one never knows how often they stock 78 speed record players.
Note: Woodleaf only likes retro technology, which frequently fails to work, but this is part of his art. If something old and vintage fails to work and becomes a frustrating factor in the life of someone, then he has created successful art. The old and stranger looking the box, the more he likes it. Here is a look at some of his current answering machines, by which he may screen his callers and only accept the ones he feels are favorable. This allows him to tune any negative feedback created by his art. Since he fails to learn from his mistakes, he repeats them again and again.
Sample Message: Woodleaf, the box, you sold me, failed to work! It’s a worthless piece of junk, and I demand my money back.
Woodleaf will not return this call, as it is not up to his standards of what he wants to hear.
Sample Message: I love the box you sold me. I want to fund your art projects with my unlimited funds.
Woodleaf will return that call promptly.
This is Woodleaf’s favorite answering machine. It combines the turn tables found on his Dreamachines with a box. This boxtakes a message and burns it on to a record. This is the most impractical form communication he can find. Since he believes the more popular he is, the harder it will be to communicate with him. He feels by being hard to communicate with when he is obscure, shows his commitment to being popular or at least well known.
Woodleaf is hoping for a call from this girl with blue hair.
I am a huge Woody Allen fan. I do not think he is child molester. That being said, I really loved the Howard Stern Woody Allen Parody character Wood Yi. He was played by Steve Freid. It all started when the Woody Allen/Soon-Yi Event occurred. Wood Yi combines their two names together. Once forgotten the Wood Yi character parodies the affair. Nothing could be found about Wood Yi online in the past, but now Wikipedia has an entry and there are even a few YouTube Videos. I downloaded two songs sung and rapped by Wood Yi from the internet, back in the day. I can hear Jackie’s whooping laughter in the background. Back in the days when the Stern Show was fun and entertaining, and not all about porn, I really got happiness from the old Stern Show. To be fair, I still hear Stern on Sirius and sometimes he does not talk about porn, but there is no guarantee he won’t start to talk about porn at any time. If you tell Stern to stop, he will only go on all the more.
Jackie Martling is not giving credit for just how good he was on the show. Howard tried to erase Jackie the Jokeman from all the history of the show, and say he was never good. Jackie had these songs he would sing in the “voice of Robin” which sounded more like Lady Di, then Robin, about the news, that were really funny. After Howard fired Jackie and went on Sirius, he hired some guy to write a porn songs about Robin that he would play each time she did the news. The porn songs were gross and unfunny. You can find these songs all over the internet on porn based sites. Howard does have his funny moments when he pretending to be his own mother, but he is not as funny as Jackie. I think that why he hates Jackie so much.
On the subject of Wood Yi, I invited everyone to check out the videos. I have respect for Woody Allen that he did marry Soon Yi, but like many other people have stated it does not excuse what he did. It does make a difference to me, that he did not discard Soon Yi and move on to a younger woman. I know he is not a child molester. I know someone else would accused him (to get money) if he had molested any children. Soon Yi was of age, but what he did was still wrong. He needed to break up with Mia before pursuing Soon Yi. Or at least he should have moved out. In the parody on you tube, Mia kicked Woody out of the house for molesting Soon Yi. This video is called the first appearance of Wood Yi. Please watch and listen to them all in order. I do believe Woody Allen when he says, why would he come back to Mia’s house and molest her daughter who was like eight at the time? Mia had already kicked him out. The alleged incident occurred after she had kicked him out. Why would Mia allow Allen back into the house, and allow him access to her daughter unsupervised? She had already began to divorce him and was in the middle of the divorce legal battle? Did she not change her locks? Did she leave her daughter home alone? None of it makes sense. She had like 13 children at the house. How did Allen sneak in with his key? Did he break a window? Why was this not in the police report? Please comment if you have more information, but this is the timeline I am working with.
Woodleaf was worried that the history of Mildred N Swords would be lost forever unless It was archived here. The Juniper Hills Planetary Association is happy to compile with Woodleaf’s sincere request. This puzzling story appears to be Woodleaf’s attempt to write a book, as Mildred N Swords. He expected publishers to contact him offering to publish it. It’s much too long to read, so we have edited it down.
Updated: The story of Mildred N Swords has been deleted, due to the fact, that it was too long and it did not make any sense. Only the title remains.
The Fabulous Saga of
Juniper Hills & Pearblossom
by Mildred N. Swords
Dr. Evil is the number one fan of the Apple Watch. When the Apple Watch first came out, Dr. Evil realized the Apple Watch was a timeless blend of old technology and new technology. After much careful consideration and online research, Dr. Evil buys four Apple Watches. One for himself, one for his wife Buffy, one for his best friend Lou, and one to send to Woodleaf as a peace offering. Dr. Evil spend a great deal of time shopping online for gifts that really wow their recipients. Nothing says “I love you” like an expensive Apple Product which will retain its resale value.
Woodleaf’s Note: I simply do not want to talk about my time in Nepal. I felt very let down by The Bikini Killer’s Family. I spend a lot of time, money and effort to make Charles Sobhraj into an art project, but his family was only concerned with his release and not with his legacy.
Updated: There is a cult called Nxivm in the current news, and I would not count this as a successful cult or commune as the details are horrifying. Clearly this is not a harmless or friendly cult. I read about how the cult worked in the Hollywood Reporter and it was more like Scientology then like a commune. I am not going to consider these larger organizations, as part of scope of my blog. This post is about people who come together to share living arrangements and expenses voluntarily as part of a hedge against poverty and homelessness ie a hippy type commune.
I wonder how many cult leaders never tell their followers to murder people and therefore slip below the radar? Has anyone done a study of this? I think they are out there, and don’t want to be found. Father Yod, for example, had a successful cult more or less. (I am defending successful as avoiding murder or suicide.) The problem he had, I read, was how to support the members of the cult. Maybe the stress of it caused him to sort of commit suicide by hang gliding. The more difficult the economic times are the more people would like to join a cult and be taken care of, but unless the cult has an outside source of income or can entire wealthy backers or members to join or get involved that cult will fail. Even most churches can be seen as a cult. The members of the church support the leaders, while the leaders only provide emotional and spiritual support to the member. The members go out and work jobs to support the leaders.
Suzanne Somers can even be seen as cult leader now, and not an actor anymore. She sells diet and beauty products. She began with the Thigh Master. People send her money for products to help them be attractive, and that money supports her. The joke is none of this works. The products sold don’t really help, but the comfort she provides to them in someway makes up for the lack of effectiveness of her products. I was dazzled by her as young teenager watching her on Three’s Company.
David Foster Wallace mentions in Infinite Jest that addicts who want to quit drugs sometimes try to find a cult to brainwash them out drug addiction. I don’t think this ever works very well. It’s hard enough to support stable working members of the cult, much less drug addicts or burn out who can’t or won’t work.
Another consideration is the lifestyle of the leader. If he is willing to not live very extravagantly, he or she, has a much better chance of making a success. Cult leaders seem to be mostly male and their taste for the high life tends to increase as time goes on.
The more money the leader spends on things like luxury cars, the less money to support the members. A good cult leader will live on a budget to set a good example for his followers about not wasting money. And he can’t just take everyone, he has to pick viable members for the cult, if it is to survive.
Girl Reporter: Tell me about that glass dome that you wanted to use to encase yourself inside in order to conduct a funeral for Ernst Jünger.
Woodleaf: It was not a funeral, it was a Prerequiem.
Girl Reporter: It was a masterpiece. I’m saying this without a trace of sarcasm, but with genuine sincerity.
W: I will tell you how that came about. I wrote the article originally to submit to a literary journal. My pet parrot Cracky published an eight issue literary journal which was called, “The Boy Friend.” Cracky’s feathers became ruffled by the last article I wished to submit. Fortunately, I was able to publish the article in an anonymous online blog. This preserved the article for posterity.
If it were possible to get back issues of The Boy Friend, without a table of contents it would be impossible to know which of the eight issues that my articles were contained within, and as most of the articles were written in German it may be very unlikely (unless these were published online somewhere) that people would get to read my articles. The chances of a person seeking out an obscure German literary magazine in the USA is very unlikely when one considers the wealth of free articles that are available to the general public via the Internet.
Girl Reporter: Am I to understand that back issues are offered without contents listing?
W: That was Cracky’s idea. He had the notion that if he was to not include the table of contents listing for each magazine that the unsuspecting buyers would be forced to buy all eight issues in order to get access to the articles that would be mine which would, of course, be the most popular and interesting articles, and most likely the only ones in English. The Boy Friend did not sell very well. There are ample back issues available, but it may be very difficult to purchase them. They tell me, I wrote an articles about Plant Consciousness and about Interspecies Karma, but I had taken Ketamine at the time, and I can’t remember what I submitted.
Girl Reporter: Why not re-publish your articles on your website?
Woodleaf: Cracky has the rights to those articles, as a promotion to help him sell The Boy Friend.
Girl Reporter: (with disbelief) You let a Parrot have the rights to your articles, and now they can’t be read by anyone?
Woodleaf: Macy wants published versions my writings on a site that belongs to me, so people can find and read my writing. However, as I explained (in an earlier chapter), I never do anything Macy suggests, because that way she would win. I am right, and she is always wrong. I always take the counter position to what she wants, so she can continue to be always wrong. I get more happiness from her being wrong, and me being right then from popularly, or the preservation of my work.
Girl Reporter: So, why do you keep Macy around?
Woodleaf: She brings me pleasure when she is denied.
Girl Reporter: Oh, well, what does it matter? Does anything matter when the earth is going to be sucked into the sun? The Boy Friend had hideous cover art, anyway, no one would want it in their homes. Maybe if the covers were ripped off and destroyed, it could be filed away coverless? But who has any space in their homes for non digital books or magazines? I am, certainly, not wealthy enough to afford storage for printed materials.
Woodleaf: I had John Money for Nothing design all the covers.
Girl Reporter: His style is improving.
Woodleaf: Yes, quite.
Girl Reporter: Here is a joke. “How to you tell John Money for Nothing that you don’t like this art?” Answer “Very Carefully.”
Cracky: My book was published in Israel.
Woodleaf: Shut up, Cracky. You know, you did not write a book. What was it about Zen and the art of the sunflower seed?
Girl Reporter: (giggles) very funny
Girl Reporter: But, back to your service for Ernst Jünger. How can I put this delicately without hurting your feelings? Old growth Redwoods can’t possibly grow in the Black Forest. Redwoods can only grow on the coast of California because they need a fog climate to survive. They survive only in large grouping, as their leaves catch the moisture in the air and create a sort of gentle rain. They allows these high water trees to survive the dry summers. The service was to take place inside a glass dome that is hermetically sealed. All the oxygen would be used up by the fire and the dome would explode.
Woodleaf: The Redwoods will all burn up anyway soon, in all the fires caused by drought and global warming. I am just burning a few of them. What is the harm in that?
Girl Reporter: That sounds like quite a plan! Just a minute while I look this idea up in my phone.
Girl Reporter: I looked it up online, and apparently it is possible to exist inside a glass dome provided that glass dome is made of many segments and not one solid full bubble. I saw pictures of it at a hotel in Scandinavia.
Woodleaf: Great! I could place domes on the Castle Grounds of Castle Fluffy Clouds. People could spend the night inside these domes looking at the stars in the sky. (with great sincerity) I want people to be happy when they come, and stay in my Castle Forever.
Girl Reporter: (Happily) I believe you, and I know your intentions are good. Those people are better off staying on in the Castle with you. It is a dangerous world out there, and you provide free lodging for those who can’t afford it.
Woodleaf: It’s not quite like that. My Castle is exclusive. I only collect those who are well off financially. They need to be able to contribute money for their room, board the upkeep of the Castle and the Gardens and Grounds.
Girl Reporter: Oh I see.
Woodleaf: My wife Ann’s trustfund is not so large as to be able to support us and them indefinitely.
Ann: (offended) My trust is big enough. It will never run out.
Woodleaf: Yes, dear, and how much is in your trust fund right now?
Ann: I don’t know. I only know that it’s big enough. I have never wanted for anything in my life. If I want a new pursue, makeup or the latest fashion outfits, I buy them. I use expensive contact lens. I don’t want to look like Squirrely Owl.
Woodleaf: I am happy for you, dear, but as of late there are more burdens being placed upon your trust fund. I know you thought it would last forever, but what if the markets go down?
Ann: Lets us not discuss money now in front of GR. Most couple break up over money. I don’t want to happen to us.
Girl Reporter: As long as some copies are saved of your writings, you can delete from the Internet. You should either take them back or republish them. There is no site that collections your writing posted on different sites, and provides people with links to find them. You can take control of your life and writings. You need a more hands on approach. I wanted to tell you this, but now I really must be going. Bye! See you soon, I hope!
Girl Reporter starts to leave then turns and returns.
Girl Reporter: Wait, I just thought of something else! If you literally wanted Ernst Jünger to be eaten by insects his after death, another helpful tip, in case you didn’t know, very few bees eat meat. Perhaps wasps, would eat him? Have you ever been to a cookout and yellow jackets cut off pieces of your hot dog, and fly away with it? I have. It was so exciting. To consume his entire body you’d have to go for something more along the lines of maggots. The only birds that eat flesh are vultures. None of these are what you would consider “noble animals”.
Woodleaf: I was using poetic license. I have a tip for you also. You did a lot of research on the Global Warming and the Environment, but you failed to research Ernst Jünger. He wrote a book called The Glass Bees.That is the reason I wanted his body to be eaten by bees. It does not matter whether bees eat flesh or not. You are missing the whole point.
Girl Reporter: Thank you for enlightening me. Have a beautiful rest of your day.
Exit Girl Reporter
As soon as Woodleaf makes sure the Girl Reporter is really gone, he angrily turns to Cracky.
Woodleaf: Cracky, I am downgrading your fake wife to fat, old army boots, and upgrading my wife to Sandy Woodleaf, a noble name.
Ann: What do you mean? I am your wife. Are you ashamed of me, and you had to make up a fake wife?
Woodleaf: Let’s not talk about it now. She’s a fake wife, so your jealously is not acceptable.
Ann: We will discuss this another time. This is not over!
Girl Reporter: What do you want to talk about in your interview today?
GR: If you don’t have anything that you want to talk about I have prepared some questions. First of all, Woodleaf, exactly is it that you do?
Woodleaf: I am a writer, but also a conductor and a composer, and a businessman.
GR: Do you play an instrument?
W: I do not.
GR: Are you a performance artist?
W: Certainly not, if you were to imply that I would perform for the amusement of others.
GR: Tell me about the begonia that was blooming in the bottom of Lake Blanca.
W: That was part of my story. A begonia is incapable of blooming in the bottom of a lake. The begonia could have been a symbol of hope. I will leave it to the readers to draw their own conclusions.
W: It was blooming, until it died of neglect and inclement weather. Here is a picture of it that I saved. You can use this in the article. Thank you again for interviewing me. You are a gracious young lady.
W: This was a special begonia
W: it was supposed to be like the Kimjongilia Begonia
GR: Killa ma what?
W: Kimjongilia a special red begonia that was supposed to bloom in North Korea
GR: This North Korea obsession of yours has got to go. I am so sick of it. I try to ignore it, the best I can.
W: I never found a Kimjongilia Begonia, so this a begonia that looks exactly like it. I bought it when it was blooming outside a grocery store, like a homeless person asking for spare change, but it died.
GR: LOL That’s funny! I can almost hear the Man from Another Place saying doesn’t she exactly like the real Laura Palmer?
W: He’s not a dwarf, you know.
GR: As a reporter, I made it my business to know everything, and he is not a dwarf. Luckily, he was spared the horror of the New Twin Peaks.
“Professor Stephen Hawking has warned mankind will destroy the Earth, turning it into a blazing fireball, within the next 600 years. The renowned physicist believes soaring population sizes and increasing demands for energy will lead to the catastrophe. Humanity should begin looking to the stars to avoid this fate, he argues, with our nearest neighbour Alpha Centauri the best candidate for our escape.” Daily Mail Online (RIP Stephen Hawking March 14, 2018)
Satan’s Bad Dream
Wednesday, October 04, 2017
We open Satan’s Nightmare with Macy watching a disturbing report about the death of Leopard Sharks in the San Francisco Bay, due to a parasite. And this reminds her of the time in which Woodleaf was imprisoned inside a camera. Satan had been calling Woodleaf on his cell, but Woodleaf refused to answer the phone. Woodleaf may have placed a fake outgoing message on his cell phone saying the number was disconnected. Satan called Woodleaf several times, and then he got angry. Woodleaf was inside of the camera, and inside the camera Satan looked and he could see a photo of Woodleaf dressed in a white T-shirt superimposed in front of a nondescript building that was alleged to be the ruins of The Abbey of Thelema founded by Aleister Crowley.
“Hello!,” said that Satan into the camera, but he didn’t get any reply. There was no movement inside the camera. Satan ordered his servant Archie to throw the camera into the ocean. As the camera containing Woodleaf, who was then known as Fearless Leader, bumped along ocean floor, all of the starfish whom he passed by began to dissolve. They had developed the mysterious starfish dissolving disease. Any stars whom have contact with Woodleaf will find their careers dissolving.
Background: Tuesday May 13, 2014
For many years Dr. Evil and Archie had been in feud that consisted of elaborate pranks they played upon each other. In one of them Dr. Evil became stranded in the Arizona desert with no internet or cell service.
Dr. Evil has been in the process of setting a trap for Archie and getting rid of him, by having him sucked into an object or item from which he will never escape. Dr. Evil goes to his laboratory, to work on his master plan. He wants to put Archie in a decorative item such as an antique clock or a metronome and keep him on one of the mantelpieces at Castle Evil. Many years have passed and endless hours of experimentation have finally paid off for Dr. Evil. He has created the perfect vessel to contain Archie. There are many spells in his huge collection of old magic books, but most of them either don’t work or don’t work the way one would expect them to work. But, at last he has found the spell he wants. In other to pull off his plan, Dr. Evil needs to lure Archie somewhere. There is a home in foreclosure with a big mantelpiece, and the address of the house is 1159 Capital Street. Dr. Evil has no problem finding a real estate agent. Margo From Supreme Real Estate shows the house to prospective house buying couple Agent M and Archie. Dr. Evil will watch the entire process on surveillance camera from the wine cellar located in the basement. Once Archie has been sucked into the object, Dr. Evil plans to go upstairs and gloat, while Agent M cries hysterically.
Macy and Archie had seen one other house before this one. The house was located on Taraval Street. But, the place had been too small. It appeared to be a larger house that someone had broken into four smaller homes. This was the first house, they had seen that was reasonable, so they were both very excited about it. The price was a steal at a mere $100,000.
“This is a cute cottage,” says Margo. “It has only one bathroom, but another could be added. There is a full size formal living room and dining room.” Archie and Agent M enter the living room. Agent M is impressed by the large fire-place and the mantle painted flat white. While they admire the white fire-place, Margo places something that looks like an antique nick nach on ledge next to the candle sticks. The lid of the item begins to open up and an invisible force sucks Archie inside and the lid snaps shut.
Dr. Evil comes running out of the basement yelling, “I got him at last.” Dr. Evil begins to do a happy dance, right there in the living room. Margo and Macy are at first speechless. Then Macy begins to cry.
Agent M throws herself on Dr. Evil’s mercy. She believed that Dr. Evil was secretly in love with her. Macy thought this was the motivation that made Dr. Evil trap Archie inside the old nick nak clock thing. Dr. Evil tells Macy he doesn’t love her, he loves his wife Buffy. Macy can’t stand to be alone and single. In despair, Agent M wants to marry her boss at the Organization. Her boss David Belfry is higher up in the Organization than herself. He is in fact, an alien from another planet, who had to get a college degree in human studies so he could understand humans. In fact his understanding was so limited, he needed a PhD. When David believed Mr. Squirrel was going to shot him if he went out in public, he refused to leave his home. Then when he found himself evicted, due to lack of payment of the mortgage, due to a state of unemployment created by his perpetual absence from meetings at the Organization.
David, looking for a place to stay, pretended to be one of the concert guests at the Billy Joel Concert at Castle Fluffy Clouds. He stayed at Castle Fluffy for a number of weeks by not being noticed, but then one day he felt trapped.
“I feel like I am stuck with jury duty,” David declared. The boredom in the Castle was extreme. The air inside the Castle felt heavy and sad, as if the Castle was in mourning after the death of some beloved parent.
David wanted to move on past jury duty to a successful job with career benefits. So, he opened the door, at Castle Fluffy Clouds causing the drawbridge covering the moat to fall. All the Castle inmates rushed away quickly, elated at their freedom. They disbursed themselves all over Europe and other places.
David remained behind so he could apply for a job. He asked Woodleaf for a job with good benefits like health insurance, but Woodleaf only screamed, “Get Out of my Castle.” Feeling discouraged, David trundled his disabled spaceship back to his home planet.
Naturally he was not available to Marry Agent M, at that moment when Archie had been removed. Satan looks up and sees the situation and he swears he is not upset and he won’t miss Archie. Satan summons a new demon, called Jack, to take Archie’s place.
October 3, 2017
Macy picks up the clock off her mantel-piece. She dusts the clock and replaces it. Macy got possession of the old corroded clock when body dissolving acid was traded by Woodleaf to Dr. Evil. Woodleaf finally agreed to the trade as a small thank you to Macy for all of the help and hours she put in to promoting Woodleaf’s career. This allowed Dr. Evil to fully dissolve the body of Veronica Dare, and no one cared to look for her or think about her.
Macy keeps the clock on her mantle-piece since it is impossible to free Archie from the clock, and it would not be a good idea because an Archie is extremely self-centered and appears to have become senile early due to excessive consumption of alcohol.
It seems to Macy that the parasites consuming the leopard sharks and other types of fish in the San Francisco Bay may be related to pollution and perhaps to global warming and climate change. But mass species die offs are only part of the complete devastation and destruction of the planet, which supersedes every other type of issue that we may be concerned about. Cancer will not be a problem when the entire human race has become extinct. The entire human race is in the process of committing suicide due to advanced global warming and large amounts of toxic chemicals, air pollution, the melting of the polar ice caps, the rising of the sea levels, and the hole in the ozone layer which is causing the atmosphere to leak out into space. Eventually there will be no atmosphere.
Some people believe that God will do something to prevent this and the human race will somehow continue. But Macy Knows that the only continuation possible would be to find a new planet, hopefully uninhabited, by an alien race, and bring some humans to the planet. This is completely impossible. We will need to import native plants and animals, but not the parasites and diseases affecting them, this means we have to cure them before we can bring them to the new planet. If we fail to do this, we will be vulnerable to certain diseases increasing on the new planet and creating issues with extinction. Most of us won’t be going to the New World. Most of us are too old, too fat, too ill, or have Hep C, HIV, or are too stupid, unfit, or too crazy to be considered. Only a very few humans will be chosen. These humans will be in around 20 years old, and have high IQ, and high test scores, physical exceptional, attractive, have no substance abuse issues, popular with thier peers and have no mental health issues. They will represent all the races of the world, and half of them will be of mixed race to ensure that racism does not create a tragedy aboard the ship.
In order to transport the human race, we would have to travel faster than the speed of light causing our bodies to dissolve. A solid object that travels at the speed of light or faster can not remain solid at such a great rate of propulsion. We would have to arrive while we were still young enough to carry on. If we took a slower trip, we would have to be placed in suspended animation in liquid nitrogen. What if the machines fail to defrost the people frozen in liquid nitrogen upon the arrival on the new planet? No one has every died and been frozen and brought back to life. If they had the press would want to know the details of the afterlife. The person might say, he or she did not know the answer, since he or she was not really dead, but only frozen. Without a real death, the afterlife can not be possible.
Having children is a mistake because their children may not have any kind of good life, and have to face mass destruction in the future. Even if one more generation can survive, what about the next and the next and so on? Eventually time will be up for life on this planet. Humans can’t stop using all fossil fuels as India and China have very large populations. They will refuse to stop using fossil fuels, and burning coal, even if the USA were to lead the way in such matters. (which we won’t) The more underdeveloped countries won’t stop technological advancement until they feel they can enjoy the same life style as the most advanced counties. The only hope would be to invent a new way to create energy to power infrastructure that does not pollute the environment. All the toxic waste and pollution draining into the oceans is killing all the fish. Honey bees are dying from Colony Collapse. Honey is filled with pesticides. Johnny Rotten was right in his song, “Don’t Ask Me.” This is why Macy thought marrying her Boss would be good hedge against global warming. But, the romance did not work out between them.
“Archie, if the humans all commit suicide, what will our place be in Hell if we can’t collect new souls?” screams Satan.
Flashback: Referring to Lauren’s prior story entitled “The Adventures of Agent M, Secret Agent.”
The camera with Fearless Leader inside eventually washed up upon the shore. And Fearless Leader was able to pull himself up out of the camera. He transformed into Woodleaf which is his current incarnation.
Archie is still imprisoned in the clock. Although he makes occasional Pronouncements of the time, such as “This is Archie, it’s 12:00, and I have a number of needs that are not being met. Please send me gifts, items, cash, cars, computers, and kittens.”
In all the hoopla regarding the mass concert shooting in Vegas, Woodleaf decided to cancel the Concert to Repopulate Castle Fluffy Clouds. Instead he set his sights upon an upcoming mandolin concert on Sunday, Nov. 5, 2017 in San Francisco. He intends to circulate through the crowd, distributing coupons for a free nights stay at Castle Fluffy Clouds with gambling included, up to $20.00 worth.
Veronica Dare’s photo has been wiped from Castle Fluffy Clouds, as if she never even existed. The penalty for non classical music blasting is harsh. If only Veronica Dare had loved Opera, she may have not died at the age of 51. Thinking over the life of Ms. Dare, she was a remarkably good makeup artist. She used makeup to make her skin color whiter, and on her You Tube Make Up Videos, she would point out she was half Spanish and half Filipina, and not even a little bit Hispanic. Woodleaf married her because although she failed to be white, she was trying very hard to be white. Woodleaf fell in love with her when he saw her putting on her makeup and realized her soul was simple, pure and loving. But, there was a little known secret about Veronica Dare and her quest to become white. It was not merely she wanted lighter skin, she wanted very light skin, that was unnatural to her beautiful face. She bought skin bleaching creams before they were banned and used them. This resulted in a blotchy complexion. Instead of lightening her skin all over, it was lighter and darker in patches. She is disfigured without makeup.
Satan awakes from this terrible dream. “Archie, stop it, make it go away!” he screams. “It’s not Archie, now it’s Jack. My name is Jack, don’t you remember?”
Jack looks up the past reference and finds as follows: 5/23/2007
Satan: “Well, Archie, we laughed for three hours. That was good, but I have to get back on track with this cannibalism project. Get me Fearless Leader.”
“We can’t talk to him, Sir. He was sucked into a camera.”
“A camera? What are you talking about?”
“He’s inside this camera. If you look through the view finder you can see him.”
Satan takes the camera and looks through the view finder.
“I can see him, but he’s not moving around.”
“Hello!” Satan shouts into the camera.
“How do we get him out of there, Archie?”
“That’s unknown, Sir.”
“Of all the nerve. I have lost interest in the cannibalism project. I have to think of something else. Take this camera, and dispose of it. Throw it in the ocean.”
When Archie returns from discarding the camera, he finds Satan excited and enthusiastic again.
Satan: I read about millions of cloned brains existing in vats, in a hypothetical logic paper. The wonderful thing about being me, Archie, is that I can actually do that. I am going to set up a huge warehouse to hold one million cloned brains of Dr. Evil, down here in Hell.
Archie: Why would you want to do that, Sir?
Satan: The plan is simple. I am going to force all of those cloned brains to think of ways in which I may defeat God, 24/7. I have to defeat God, and I have limited time to do it. The brains in vats won’t need to eat, sleep, or maintain a human body. Dr. Evil is most the intelligent man in all of San Francisco. Imagine, what evil plans, a million of his cloned brains would be able to cook up?
The project gets under way, but unfortunately, the brains would not think about the required topic. They were obsessed with something else.
Satan: The cloning project was a failure, Archie. I instructed the cloned brains to think of ways in which I could defeat God. After letting them think for a good long while, Archie, do you know what those brains had to report?
“No, Sir, I have no idea.”
“Well, Archie, they had only come up with pages and pages of data entitled, ‘Fun Games.’”
“What is this crap?! I screamed at the brains,” continued Satan, “If you brains don’t stop this at once, and begin to think of ways in which, I, Satan, may defeat, Him, God, then I will incinerate this warehouse in a giant fireball.”
“And as you know, Archie, I never bluff.”
“Yes, I am well aware of that, Sir” Archie answers respectfully.
“I gave those brains another fortnight to think of what I wanted them to think about, but they would only think of more of the same thing. Schemes and plots for forcing Agent M to play some kind of demented game. I have no idea, how or why, the brains were doing that, or what the meaning of it all was.”
“It was terribly disappointing, Archie. I had to burn up the warehouse and all the brains.”
“I wonder why those brains were defective, Archie?” a note of dejection now creeping into his voice.
“I have no idea, Sir.”
“The master brain I made the copies from must of had a defect,” concludes, Satan sadly. “And now, I have to think of another plan to defeat God. I am in a terrible mood, Archie. Go away, now, and leave me to my thoughts.”
Who was Woodleaf then and now, why did he part ways with Satan?
If photos or video would be shot for public display on social media, Woodleaf would be sure to sabotage the videos or the photos in someway. The reason why is unknown, but maybe he merely wants to be as disagreeable as possible? The reason behind that is also unknown. The real him is lost somewhere under layers of lies and pretensions, and can only be glimpsed at when he takes nitrous oxide. Woodleaf can’t enjoy conversations unless he is conning. His con games end themselves with the “Big Reveal”. This process is also called “The Long Con”, similar to the way it was depicted in the 2003 movie, Matchstick Men. Woodleaf claims his father was similar to the character portrayed by Albert Finney in the movie, The Big Fish.
Notes from an original story written and published to his website on Planet Juniper
“His father lied for the sheer pleasure of lying. But at times he was a six pack of lies.”
David Woodleaf also claimed that having a father who lied all the time, and was never truthful when he could lie instead, gave him a “magical” advantage of being able to tell when other people were lying. But, this was also untrue. Woodleaf could not tell other people lies from facts. He could only place any statement that he felt to “improbable” in the category of a lie. Macy Told Woodleaf that Jack made her delete her Twitter Account because he believed in a drunken rage, that the account was a pro Hillary account during the Trump vs. Clinton election. Jack being a demon was very Pro Trump. Woodleaf did not believe it, but the story was true. Unfortunately for Woodleaf the lying and the skeptical nature only hurt him and others a lot, but did not bring any advantages, Still Woodleaf would not let the idea go. There must be some advantages to these disadvantages, he would tell himself.
Most of the time in an average conversation with a friend, who is not a trying to sell on anything. (Salesmen lie a lot). There is no reason for lying. If a friend lies, and says his birthday party was a success, one agrees with that statement, and does not bother whether or not it is true. What does it matter on a small issue like that? You hope your friend had a nice birthday party. But, when your friend says he has a Chateau in Switzerland, and he is going to invite you to spend the summer, maybe it is best to take that statement into consideration, it may not be ture. Woodleaf’s extreme paranoia made him consider that everyday getting to know type of conversation had many lies in it, because Woodleaf’s own getting to know you conversations were filled with many lies. When the new friend found out that Woodleaf had been lying, there would be some kind of fall out in the friendship. Maybe the friend would drop Woodleaf, or maybe the friend would decide to be less good friends with Woodleaf, not to drop him, but to reduce the number of time in which he would invite Woodleaf to occasions and events. To make the matter worse, Woodleaf had to consider that most of the information he was getting was a lie and he has someone smile and joke in a way to show he knew it was a lie to avoid being fooled. This made the other person feel very awkward. The other party became confused and did not know what was going on at first, but thinking about the situation later on, he may come to the realization that Woodleaf was a pathological liar who did not believe anything of importance anyone else was saying. This was so off-putting to Woodleaf’s friends that they dropped him left and right.
The Book Store Lady dumped Woodleaf for the minor lie he told about his age. Woodleaf liked to give his age as born in 1969, in 2004. He even posted on his fake biography that this was his age. Many other online sources mined his biography and placed his age at 1969, but when he realized he looked old and foolish, he changed his age back to his real age of born in 1964. In the process he lost the Book Store Ladies Friendship and hurt his career. The Book Store Lady she was displaying his Dreamachine at her store. But, when she found out he was lying about his age, she smashed up the Dreamachine in a fit of rage.
This information is being passed on not in the hopes that Woodleaf will reform himself and stop lying and the rest of his foolish behaviors, but only to merely point out that the lying messed up his life, his career and many of his relationship. In fact, without the lying it is possible the many interviewers who interviewed him would not have created unflattering interviews. These unfaltering interviews were read by any future interviewers who were going to interview him, and caused them to maybe even change their minds about doing the interview at all. This cut significantly down on the number of interviews requests, as a reporter will be blamed for publishing wrong facts, that have not been fact checked. Lies made the reporter’s life more difficult. Woodleaf liked being interviewed very much, he always granted any interview request and he used interviews as part of his Art. In a sense Woodleaf had, by lying, damaged his Art that he was so proud of. It made him into a comic buffoon similar to Alex Jones, who’s outrageous statements were not meant to be believed, but to listened to for entertainment only. However, Woodleaf insisted he was a series artist and not as joker or a story-teller. If one dared to confront Woodleaf on a lie, he would merely quickly change the subject so the other person was not able to get an anwser to the question.
All of these things finally came together. Woodleaf had no friends, but he was incapable of changing. He was lonely without friends. Without friends who would admire his accomplishments? Once his friends pegged him as a liar, they would be unable to give sincere flattery to any of his clear and obvious lies, and even true statements would not be believed.
One big lie he told was that he went to Nueva Germania and lead tour groups to Nueva Germania, but he was afraid to go to Nueva Germania. If questioned, he would only make the lie bigger and bigger, such as stating that he had hundreds of photos of the people of Neuva Germania when he did not have any photos. The ones he displayed on his website were fake.
Woodleaf was fond of the Bible Verse “Satan is the Father of Lies”. He liked to throw it around to bring people to the conclusion that maybe he was Satan or that he had aligned himself with Satan. For a while, Woodleaf considered Satan to be his preferred Deity, but when his career did not work out, the way he wanted, he dropped Satan.
In 2006, Woodleaf wrote an article for Vice Magazine which is the only thing that still remains online about his fake visits to Nueva Germania. In the article, he was going for the effect of the scene in the Burroughs Book, Naked Lunch, in which Lee overcomes two police officers, named Hauser and O’Brien, who are trying to arrest him in his hotel room for using heroin.
The article claimed that all the photos and videos Woodleaf took or Neuva Germania were lost when the police stole his cameras and phones. Because Woodleaf was in his North Korea phase, at that time, he also claimed there was video footage of the Leader of North Korea amongst the lost footage.
The Big Headed Woman, (think Mrs. Big Head from the show Rocko’s Modern Life) could not understand what North Korea had to do with Nueva Germania and why Woodleaf said, he wished to go there with her 11-year-old daughter. As far she was concerned she had signed up for a free trip to Nueva Germania, and instead been the victim of a bait and switch con. She wanted Nueva Germania, and instead she got North Korea. According to the Vice Article, Woodleaf and his Pet Parrot Cracky had traveled to Nueva Germania, and Cracky had caused confusion when he loudly asked the police officers for Crack cocaine. This had raised the ire of the officers. Woodleaf foreshadowed the incident, in an earlier published story on his website, in which, he wrote.
“But, truly, we needn’t ponder the temperament of Nueva Germania’s police force.”
The Big Reveal can be many things. It may be just revealing that the person you are talking to online has been David Woodleaf. A blood cuddling scream evokes from his victims lips. Woodleaf now writes to people under fake names and builds a relationship with them as a fake person. His prefer Twitter Handle was Fake Person 666, until he decided that his own name David Woodleaf meant all of those things that are fake and having to do with evil and the number 666.
Jack won’t keep his meetings with Satan, the way Archie did. When Satan wished to share a joke, he calls Jack down to Hell, but Jack won’t come very often. This annoys Satan, and by the time Jack shows up, the time of the joke has passed, so Satan stops sharing jokes with Jack.
Satan find that Jack is passed out drunk, and he has to step over him. An inverse relationship occurs, when Jack appears passed out to Macy, and she is steeping over his body, he is in Hell talking and laughing with Satan. When Jack is awake and talking to Macy, Satan sees him as passed out in Hell. And it’s been awhile since Satan has even seen Jack. Satan stops noticing this after a while. Stepping over Jack is just a fact of life. A life that can no longer be changed. Satan can’t change things, he only watches as they fall apart. He does not try to help Woodleaf, who will have made his own way in the world and figure things out on his own from now on. Satan’s latest attempt to talk to Woodleaf failed. This is how it went down.
Woodleaf told Satan, he had a lot on his mind and he was too busy to answer Satan’s questions. He launched into another self-pitying diatribe.
“I think Facebook has shadow banned me. People can’t find my Facebook, and write to me unless they know exactly who I am, and my exact url on Facebook. I still try to keep channels of communication open to new people, but I don’t want the older “used up” people bothering me. I began to search for the stuff I was promoting, to test for a shadow ban when I was logged out and logged incognito. Google results would not show me, or even my Dreamachine DVD. No one can enter my website due to a warning sign that pops up and blocks the page. This was clearly the work of the Four Fruits. They even ghost banned Cracky’s Book, and it was about Sun Flowers Seeds. So you see, Satan, I am not happy with you. I don’t know if you were supposed to bring me luck or what? What is the point of worshipping you, if you can’t help me with my career?”
Satan argued that this was a long time ago, and that “bygones should be bygones”, but Woodleaf only replied, “No, I don’t think so,” and hung up the phone.”
Woodleaf’s rejection only adds to Satan’s misery.
It was just as if Satan was having a Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. More bad news seems to come almost on a daily basis.
When does the winning start? How long must I wait?
But, then something good does happen to Satan, he wins big at video poker and it’s not a dream. Feeling back on top again, Satan comments to Jack, “In every life a little rain must fall.”
Days has been renewed again. There are some idea being talked about on Facebook. One of them is the issue of Hope and Rafe. They are broken up at this time, but the issue was that Hope looked too old. Hope looking old is an issue. She was never that great an actress, I thought, but I still enjoyed the character. I like the Bo, Hope, Bille triangle, but now Hope needs to take on a more matronly role. In a 2014 she swore, she would never get plastic surgery, but she has had fillers and breast implants. Her face is looking better now, as if she had some fillers, but her neck is very distracting. She has a large canyon in the middle of her neck with two vertical ridges on either side. I don’t know if this if from her being underweight? I don’t know if the whole I am never getting plastic surgery was some kind of dig at Marlena? I know Marlena looked at one point, as if her eyes would not open all the way, but that issue has resolved. I think it’s very hypocritical for Hope to act like she is all natural and superior, when she has huge breast implants, at least double DDs on a very thin frame. She really needs to fix her neck or retire or start taking on matronly roles or always wear scarves. She was once of normal weight, but for many years has been stick thin. I think larger women aka Anna, are more beautiful and more suitable for romantic roles. Anna and Tony is the romance that I wish they would bring back. They should also bring back Bo, and have Hope stay with him. That would work better, than trying to place Hope in romantic roles that need younger women. Her aged neck would be sign that she is well married woman, and Bo still loves her in spite of her neck situation.
Updated: October 19, 2017 There has been an improvement in Days of Our Lives lately, bring back cast members, and I am a cautiously optimistic that Days could return to the glory days under James E. Reilly Head writer: December 21, 1992 – January 5, 1998; August 11, 2003 – August 9, 2006. I started watching around 1992, because I remember I had moved into a new house and the show came on after the news. But, after James Reilly left the first time I got discouraged, and I stopped taping Days on the VCR and did not watch it for years. Then when he came back in 2003, I ended up watching again, but I did not have internet service and I had no idea what was wrong with Days. Why did the show decline and why did it improve? These things were all mysteries. The second time James came back I had TiVo and I watched everyday and even became obsessed to the point in which I was writing a daily summary of Days in my Live Journal Account because nothing was happening in my life worth detailing in Live Journal. When James was writing the show was creative and similar to the Original Twin Peaks. When James was not writing the show was an unwatchable program of mundane characters living boring lives and having equally boring romances. I also had high hopes for writer Dena Higley, but I was let down. The story did not improve, characters (whom I cared about) were unceremoniously dumped. And even when characters I liked such as Sami & Lucas, and Carrie & Austin returned, nothing interesting was done with the characters. I learned the magic of Days could not be created based on characters whom I had bonded with alone. The show lives or dies by the head writer. The new head writer is Ron Carlivati, and I like what he is doing so far.
second update re character Nicole Oct. 19, 2017
Nicole played by Arianne Zucker is leaving and her last day ironically will be on my birthday Oct. 20. I see this as a birthday present. Nicole has been a thorn in my side since 1998. I notice this is exactly the time in which James Reilly left as a writer. I never liked her from the beginning and did not want her as a character. She was a late comer to the party in my eyes, although to many others I can see that she is like an older timer on the show. It was not so much that she is a poor actress, but she was not given interesting material. She tired to do her best, but she had some kind of strange skin condition. Her face a Sebaceous Hyperplasia, that I found distracting. It was so large on the screen. After a while, she had it removed, but more of these skin issues continued to crop up. Makeup was not able to cover or correct them. The lighting could have been adjusted, but they seemed to film Days in a rush with little thought to inconsistencies and mistakes. I will never forget the time Sami was rushing to check on infant Will, and she was not wearing a bra.
Nicole’s current plotline has been bizarre and unrealistic, but yet not interesting. She is current in love with two men who could be brothers named Brady and Eric. But, Eric Brady is the name a character who is Sami’s twin brother. For a long time I believe that Eric and Brady were the same person. I fast forwarded them as much as I possible could with the primitive Comcast dvr that I am forced to use because Ukiah refuses to update to the Xfinity newer DVRs. I am still not sure if Eric or Brady is Sami’s brother or who these two identical looking men are. Are they played by the same actor? I did look it up online, but I could not find out. I don’t care which man she ends up with only that she pick one of them and lives happily ever after with him.
I thought she was good with Deimos, who was a temporary villain. She hated Deimos, then she loved him. Then she stabbed someone to save Deimos, causing her to lose custody of her baby. Then she stabbed, and killed Deimos. I never watched when she with a character named Daniel. Daniel was the father of her baby via surrogate mother Chole Lane. Daniel occurred when I was on strike from watching Days and I was wishing the show would be cancelled. Eric killed Daniel in a drunken car accident, but his ghost came back when Deimos placed a drug in the champagne at a party. Watching Nicole is as cheerful as watching someone die of cancer. She was also married to Victor at one point. I forgot she was ever married to Lucas, I checked her Wikipedia for the character, (not for the actress) and there is a list of all her marriages and affairs.
Updated October 20, 2017
Eric committed suicide over Nicole. Nicole left town without either Brady or Eric, but swears she will someday get back with Eric or at least won’t give up on him. What a terrible ending, who wrote this? Eric is most likely not going to die as Jennifer found him in time to save him.
end second update re: Nicole
Days Of Our Lives Summaries for long time fans
I found that I had written plot summaries for Days and saved them in my files. I wanted to bring some of them back into this blog.
Stefano was a rich and powerful Italian like Tony Soprano. He also had a son named Tony who is about 35, played by Thaao Penghlis. Tony was changed into Andre, they are the same actor, (who is Greek). Since Tony had been killed so many times for being a villain, they had Tony die and brought him back as Andre. One can think of them as the same character. Again it is more complex than that as Andre and Tony both were alive at the same time, but it seemed to me, after not watching for a long time, that Tony was still on the show and they were calling him Andre. It was really weird. I had to adjust to the name Andre. Now Stefano is off the show because the actor has died.
When the characters were stuck living on an Island, Roman and Abe had held Tony prisoner and they wanted to beat the truth out of him, but Marlena begged for his Mercy. She is a living Saint, and can’t stand to see anyone hurt.
Later, Stefano was given a grandson who was played by actor named James Scott. his name on the show was EJ, and he was an English actor with an English accent he completely did not fit in with being Stefano’s whereas Tony/Andre at least looked like he could possibly be related to Stefano in some way.
There was a big controversy over Sami’s relationship with EJ, because EJ Had taken Sami to the remote cabin and told her he would kill Lucas if they did not have sex. This caused many people to call for the termination of the Sami EJ story line. But many fans who call themselves fans of Sami and EJ and the word for it was Jami, or something like that. And Days of Our Lives justified the couple by citing the fact that the super couple Luke and Laura had also started out with a rape. So, the fans wanted Sami and EJ to be together also citing the number of children between Sami and EJ during their long tumultuous relationship. I did not keep notes on the Sami and EJ relationship first because I got really annoyed with Days of Our Lives many times which would cause me two quit watching the show, for extended periods of time and sometimes weeks months or years. When I turned the show back on again EJ and Sami had already been involved for number of years. I never watch them get together and for this reason I don’t claim to be a good chronicle are of Days of Our Lives. I did see the cabin scene, because somebody uploaded it You Tube. Upon which it was promptly removed by NBC. NBC does not allow or sell full access to the entire scope of the show Days of Our Lives now. You must forgive the number of mistakes in this dialog because I’m using speech to text and my hands being so injured are not able to type long passages, although I may go back and make a few corrections to this file.
Even as an unreliable narrator of Days of Our Lives I can see Wikipedia does not have a complete summary of the story of Kristin. I can successfully summarize the story of Kristin. Kristin Dimera fell in love with John Black. Kristin had been sent by Stefano to steal John Black away from Marlena because Stefano wanted Marlena for himself. Stefano kept Marlena inside a cage for a while. It looked like a large bird-cage. That was the point in which I started to watching Days of Our Lives because there was no Internet at the time, and the soap opera just came on the TV after the news. The year must have been 1991 or 1992. The news was on at noon, Days of Our Lives started at 1:00. I had been watching a half hour soap opera called Loving which I really liked but it was canceled. Loving was the first soap opera that I ever watched, except when I was a child and the baby sitter used to watch the Edge Of Night and As The World Turns. As The World Turns is mentioned in story of Chris Foley inside the Novel the Pale King by David Foster Wallace.
Before Marlena was in a cage, she had been possessed by the Devil which cause her to levitate. Although John Black was not Marlena’s original husband he has been involved with Marlena since I started watching. Marlena was originally married to Roman Brady but Stefano use John Black to break up her marriage. Kristin was also a daughter of Stefano who did not look even slightly Italian. After Roman Brady came back Marlena realized she loved John Black more than Roman Brady. And the actor who played Roman Brady was replaced with somebody who seemed to be much less attractive.
James E. Riley was the writer whom, I preferred. After he left are once again I got very upset, and when on a hiatus from watching Days of Our Lives. According to Nietzsche, it is wrong to give a positive reward to someone who has treated you badly. Nietzsche further explains that if two continue to reward someone who has treated she badly you give them no incentive to change, and you will never receive better treatment. My Hiatus is from Days of Our Lives were under protest of boring scripts, boring dialogue, and boring plotlines.
I had to admit that this meant I missed some good scenes on Days of Our Lives, but I also felt extremely inconvenienced by the large number of commercials and then need too fast forward them away was too much effort for me.
However, the story of Kristin is one that I know well. Kristin was in love with John Black and she was having his baby, but she accidentally miscarried the baby so she hired look-alike Susan to carry the baby which was in fact Stefano’s baby which he impregnated her when he was dressed as Elvis and she thought she was having a dream. Susan was an Elvis super fan. When EJ is introduced he is artificially aged because she is supposed to be the grandson of Stefano and the son of Susan.
There was also another Kristin look-alike who was a Nun. It was not really clear just how the Nun fit into the plotline. Although I do recall the Nun and saying something threatening like such as “you had best beware.” Note: many characters on Days used to say announcement which one may think was foreshadowing, but usually nothing came from it.
So eventually John found out Kristin was lying about everything, and he got back together with Marlena. So, Kristin knowing that Marlena was allergic to penicillin placed a piece of candy with penicillin inside in the eye candy box, on Marlena’s coffee table. Marlena’s is young child Belle? was going to eat the candy but was somehow saved that the last-minute. As punishment Kristin was put on an island in which she would be stuck there forever like the fate of Julia in the I, Claudius book by Robert Graves. Then she was gone from the show for many years, and I always wanted her back. This may have been one of the reasons that I stopped watching and since James Riley had left the show nothing supernatural was going on.
I did really enjoy the character Vivian Alamain, also but she was terminated, and at the point I also stopped watching again to punish Days of Our Lives for doing things that I didn’t want them to do.
Kristin was not being sold into a harem, although Susan spent time in the harem because Kristin put her there. The island Kristin was put on was a tropical island, and she was in a kind of the tower. Her last words the show was “I have to stay here forever.” Unless the island was the harem? My impression she was going to be alone. I need Wikipedia to show proof, because Wikipedia has an entry on Kristin where she goes into a harem. But the whole thing is inconsequential, and I am just nitpicking.
But when they brought Kristin back, I didn’t watch those episodes. The reason was it seemed that nothing was going on there was no plot or it was too slow to get started.
Before I started to watch, apparently, Kristin was introduced to Salem when she was mugged and saved by John Black. I was not watching that early, but I do remember a magic mirror, that Stefano installed in the house that Kristin and John were staying in and each time John looked into the mirror he was hypnotized to fall in love with Kristin.
One would simply think that Stefano’s overall goal was to make Marlena whom he called “Queen of the Night” fall in love with him, but it all much more complex than that.
I would like to be able to go back and watch everything from the beginning without commercials by Subscription. I cleared missed a lot of early Kristen, Marlena’s demonic possession, and many more things I want to see.
So many new and unwanted characters were introduced to the show which made the quality decline. First and foremost, was Rafael Hernandez and his large family of characters including his Sister Gabriella, his mother, father his brother Dario. Rafe was introduced as a love interest for Sami which broke up the relationship between Sami and EJ. Rafe started as Sami’s bodyguard. Not one good thing has come out of the Rafe plotline. Fans called it “The Rafes of our Lives” because they were so many of them.
So instead of being the original story about the Bradys and the Demaris, It was now about Rafe and his family and all the all of them are terrible actors. All the new characters confused and convoluted the original plot and story to the point in which it was nothing like the original story, which I believe that now the writers are hoping to get back to.
I am publishing the notes I took when I was making a daily summary of Days of Our Lives. I regret not taking notes during my favorite part of the Show which was the point in which Kristen played by Eileen Davidson was also playing Susan. But here are the few notes I found. I found things I don’t remember happening. I found a character named Jan whom I had completely forgotten, because she did not really fit into the storyline.
Start episode summaries
August 4, 2004
On the subject of the “Days of Our Lives”, which is my favorite soap opera. I think everyone is watching now hoping Sami and Lucas are going to get married. I think I have been with Sami and Lucas for over 10 years, it is hard to remember. Just as we think they will get married, they get into another big fight. Lucas just asked Sami to marry him, but she won’t say yes, because she thinks he is plotting against her. Sami appears to have serious mental illness, but looks very pretty. Sami loves Lucas, but she hates his mother Kate. They have one child together, a boy named Will, and he wants them to get married. Everyone is praying that Will’s Dream will come true.
(Originally Sami was in love with Austin, and using Lucas to help her win Austin, but eventually she changed to loving Lucas. Lucas is still on the show as of 9/7/2017, but Sami, Austin and Carrie are out.)
Shawn is presenting living a cage being held prisoner by Jan for some months now. Yet, it still looks buff, and not like a POW.
In spite of being handcuffed to the bed, kept in a cage, tortured and drugged, he remains rebellious. He should tell Jan he loves her so she will let him out of the cage, but he won’t for three or four months. I kind of lost track of the time. Now, you the reader are saying this can’t be sure, what kind of sick kinky soap opera is this? People on Days are commonly held prisoner, it happened to Marlena.
Once Stefano used a mind control machine on John Black to force him to fall in love with Kristin, instead of Marlena. Marlena was married to Roman, but Stefano tricked her by replacing him with John Black. She lived with John as man and wife, but later found Stefano had tricked her. She had to choose so she chose John over Roman. Then later Stefano kept her in cage for months, and he tried to break her and make her love him. The strange thing that Stefano did was to introduce John Black to replace Roman and the whole goal, was I believe to cause Marlena to fall in love with him. It makes no sense at all.
September 3, 2004
Shawn escaped from Jan, yet neglected to tie Jan up, so she is now hunting with down dressed as Nun with a large hypo filled with tranquilizer.
Days can be completely absurd and unbelievable when they take things this far into the ridiculous. Clearly Shawn would have called 911 and gone to the hospital to get treatment for his injuries, since he can barely walk, not go to the church to look for Belle where Jan is waiting for him. Without TiVo, it would be too difficult to watch, because I need to quickly fast forward past all the junk, to get to the interesting parts.
After Tony has ruined the device, for the second time, the only ones left under the force field are discussing those who tried to escape. The device was the force field that was keeping them all on the Island, but I am not sure.
I once had a pair of gloves, I got in London at Harold’s and they were better than any other gloves, I have ever had. The were black leather with red silk lining. I lose the left glove, and so I tried to mail order new ones, but the ones I received were not up to the par of the original pair. I called them my magic gloves and I was very distressed to lose one of them. I liked to pretend the gloves were magic, and therefore losing one would give me a 50 percent power reduction. And I tried later to replace the gloves, and I could not find any that were well made from Harrods or otherwise. They must have started making them all in China, so I had to buy gloves just where ever I could find them and they fit. That was the end of brand loyalty.
Marlene has to be dead, because she was stabbed in the heart with a pen knife and also embalmed. She was later brought to the Island, and it must have been one of her many doubles who was killed.
Right now, September 2017, Marlena has an evil double named Hattie. Days is filled with doubles, even Rafe had a double called evil Rafe, and on Twin Peaks the Revival, they had many Cooper doubles. All major characters have had doubles, I believe and sometimes many doubles. I think it has to do with budgeting, by making the same actor play two roles. It saves money.
September 13, 2004
Today on Days, Hope is tormented by bats. John gets angry at Tony and grasps him by the collars, just the hint of violence to come. Tony is not afraid of him, and replies, calmly and defiantly. “You always wanted to go there, didn’t you.?”
September 14, 2017
Today on Days, nothing hardly happened, they don’t follow each plot line, each day, so I have to wait until tomorrow to find out what happened to Tony.
Billie was brought to the island, by the Controllers of New Salem, who play God with the prisoners on the island, by playing with their emotions. Marlena swears revenge. They cut to a fire, as she screams, “Hell Fire, and they will pay”, but Marlena is a total wimp and she can’t do a thing. This happened a couple of days ago, but I did not mention it earlier. I would be surprised if they follow the foreshadowing, and have Marlena exact revenge.
Billie was attractive girl who was played by two different actors. Her role was to steal Bo. Brady away from Hope. Billy used the pregnancy to win Bo over but then she had to leave.
Marlena swears revenge on the controllers of New Salem, but she is completely hopeless, maybe John can exact revenge? He was a former Mercenary. He was a priest, at first, but Stefano brainwashed him and made him a hired killer, then replaced him with Marlena’s husband Roman. She could not tell them apart. Impossible in real life, but true to Days.
Shawn finally got away from Jan, or is this another trick? I won’t know until Monday because the episodes end with Shawn being free, but he can’t find Belle and Phillip just yet.
Sami has a psychotic delusion about Kate and she swears to “kill” her, but Kate is near by in the next booth, and hears insane Sami talking to herself about how she will get rid of Kate.
Kate says to herself, “If it is war you want, it is war you got.”
Kate was to later frame Sami for the murder of Franco Kelly. A man who looked Italian, but had an Irish last name, go figure. Sami was almost put to death for this, but at the last-minute, it was proved that Lucas killed Franco because he loved Sami. Lucas never went to jail for what he did because they pinned the murder on a mob boss.
At one point, Stefano tricked Sami into being a man called Stan who would go and do evil things, just like Stefano tricked Hope into being Princess Gina, so she could steal jewels for him.
Well, that is all the notes that I found that were useful. So, this is the end of the post, for now.
What happened at the end of Twin Peaks The Revival
Agent Cooper was taking Laura Palmer back to see her mother because her mother was very upset, as shown by her strange behavior and the smashing of Laura’s framed photo. However in doing that the timeline in got ruined. The reason Laura Palmer disappeared at the end of the episode is she was in a timeline or alternate universe in which Laura Palmer had never existed.
I don’t believe that agent cooper was trying to prevent Laura’s murder, because that course of action is not discussed or specified. She seems to be alive living under a different name but she still recognizes the names of her parents. There were a lot of scenes of her mother’s house in which her mother was really upset but her mother was clearly no longer living at the house, when Agent Cooper arrived. She had probably never lived there, and Laura Palmer had probably never been born and perhaps Laura Palmer’s parents had never met. So we are left asking the question is it better to live and be murdered or is it better to just never exist?
My second theory comes from the David Foster Wallace story Oblivion in which a husband is having random misadventures involving his wife and daughter Audrey, but it turns out that the entire story is a dream that his wife is having. In this dream she feels insecure, and too old to be attractive any longer. Audrey the daughter who is away at college is a threat, because she feels that her husband looks at Audrey’s friends with lust. Therefore the mother sends Audrey away to college to get rid of her. When the mother wakes up it, seems probable that Audrey never existed.
After Audrey Horne does her dance at the Double R she wakes up as if from a dream, so the entire construct of the new Twin Peaks could be that it’s only Audrey’s dream, or rather nightmare that she is married to Charlie instead of the Agent Cooper.
Buffy: I am really sorry. I will never do it again.
Dr. Evil: You invited these degenerate people into our lives, and now one of them has clearly over indulged in drugs and drowned in our hot tub.
Buffy: I am really sorry, I feel terrible. I was lonely. You are always away on business. I wanted friends. I wanted to feel popular and like I had friends.
Dr. Evil: Who was this woman?
Dr. Buffy: She was one of Woodleaf’s wives
Dr. Evil: I knew it. Woodleaf is the source of all types of troubles and criminal acts. But, Woodleaf is going to get us out of this. I am going to call him right now.
Dr. Evil to Woodleaf: Who was this woman?
Woodleaf: She was Veronica Dare, one of my ex wives. She was beautiful, but tendency to play loud metal music, and binge on junk food disturbed my peace. Chips crunch so loudly when I am concentrating. Macy and I have no time for your petty amusements, Dr. Evil. We are busy building my career. We don’t have time to help you.
Son of Sam
The Killer Speaks (TV Show) Lauren’s notes:
See it on You Tube
David Berkowitz Being interviewed from prison
David Berkowitz shot the dog because it barked too much, then he decided the dog had told him to kill people. He seems very sincere, that he is sorry. But, he had a long time in prison to think about what he was going to say. He said, that his adopted mother lied to him, and told him his real mother was dead, when she was not dead and the betrayal he felt caused him to go over to the dark side? I am not actually sure, why he would kill people because of this. My analysis is not actually crazy but pretending to be crazy, and hoping to act sane enough to get out some day.
Woodleaf: Macy if we can’t get Charles Manson for the concert, what bands can we get?
Macy: We can get Idle Race.
W: Idle Race? No one has ever heard of Idle Race.
M: The lead singer was born in 1947. It’s hard to get people from 50 years ago, because most of them are dead or too old to perform.
W: Keep working on the concert. It will bring people together, and put them in the mood to want to join Castle Fluffy Clouds, which I will tell them is a hippy commune. Can you get Canned Heat?
M: Maybe Hot Tuna? Blind Owl is dead, he killed himself, because we were not taking care of the environment.
W: Ok, Idle Race will have to do. That will be our band for the concert.
The Idle Race’s Big Hit is called “The Skeleton And The Roundabout.” The members of the Idle Race appear to still alive, but I have not heard of them touring as The Idle Race.
Alan Wilson (nickname Blind Owl) is a less well-known member of the 27 Club. His big hit was called “Going Up to the County” with the group Canned Heat. He may have committed suicide because he was upset about the Environment in 1970. In 1970, I thought the Environment could be fixed by recycling and picking up litter. I was only five at the time. Then the book The Lorax by Dr. Seuss was published in 1971. At first, I thought the book was a pessimistic lie. The book was not fun like the other books he had written, Green Eggs and Ham, and One Fish, Two Fish.
Woodleaf notices and admires people who were born in 1947. These people would have been old enough to experience the Summer of Love in 1967, they would have been 20 years old. Woodleaf would like compose a piece of music for people born in 1947. Woodleaf would like people born in 1947 to be part of the Anniversary of the Summer of Love Concert. Historical Note: the real Anniversary of the Summer of Love Concert in San Francisco never took place due to problems with obtaining the proper permits.
Time Line of Interest for 1947
David Bowie January 8
Laura Schlessinger, AKA Dr. Laura January 16
Paula Deen (celebrity chef) January 19
Warren Zevon (Werewolves of London) January 24
Steve Marriott (Singer of the Group The Small Faces) January 30
Farrah Fawcett February 2
Dennis DeYoung of Styx February 18
Kiki Dee (Singer known for duet with Elton John) March 6
Carole Bayer Sager March 8
Elton John March 25
Emmylou Harris April 2
Patricia Bennett member the Chiffons (Hit Song He’s So Fine) April 7
James Woods April 18
Iggy Pop and David Letterman April 21
Cathy Smith (killed John Belushi) April 25
Jay Ferguson May 10 (hits Shake Down Cruise, Thunder Island)
Barbara Lee (The Chiffons) May 16
noteon notes: The Singer of The Chiffons, Judy Craig, was born in 1946
Ron Wood (the Rolling Stones) June 1
Salman Rushdie (The Satanic Verses) June 19
O. J. Simpson July 9
Camilla Parker Bowles July 17
Brian May, musician (Queen) July 19
Carlos Santana July 20
Arnold Schwarzenegger July 30
Ian Anderson of Jethro Tull August 10
Benjamin Orr The Cars (Hit Song Stay the Night) September 8
Stephen King September 21
Meat Loaf September 27
Marc Bolan, Singer September 30
Sammy Hagar October 13 (Note the number 13 is a Bad Luck Number. Sammy Hagar has killed a lot of animals) Note My Father was born on August 13.
Rod Temperton (Producer of Heat Wave) October 15
Hillary Clinton October 26
Dave Loggins (Hit Please Come to Boston) November 10
Joe Walsh November 20
Gregg Allman December 8 (Note my Husband was born on the same day)
Also John Lennon killed December 8, 1980
Ted Danson born December 29, 1947
Aleister Crowley dies December 1
Woodleaf: Macy, I have decided the Strawberry Field In Asylum, California is a much better place for the Mason Concert than inside the city of San Francisco.
It’s basically a field, like Woodstock. It’s a great place for a concert. The Four Fruits are apple for red, but if we change the red apple to red strawberry, I believe the Four Fruits could be forced to pick up the tab for the concert which will, of course, be free to the public. I will then work the crowd and hand out coupons for a free vacation stay at Castle Fluffy Clouds to only the most attractive people. In this way, I can repopulate Castle Fluffy Clouds, as soon as I am able to get rid that soon to be homeless alien, your ex boss at the Origination. He opened the doors, and let everyone leave Castle Fluffy Clouds.
Macy: smiles weakly, “Yes, of course, a very good plan. But how can we get Manson there?”
Woodleaf: That is still to be determined. The Mexicans are refusing the dig the tunnel without pay, and we don’t have any cash flow to pay them. You and the Girl Reporter need to go there and check it out. Tell GR that she needs to write an online article on some miniature donkeys that live there.
Woodleaf decided that cutting the flyers into quarters was still big and he wanted them cut again to be half the size making them eights, and then he thought the eights were big, so he ordered the size reduced by half again making them sixteenths. But, no one saw past the letter head he was using. People got so upset by his letterhead, that they failed to read the information about the Event he was promoting. This was his letterhead.
When he got a poor response, he decided to stop using flyers at all. There would be a better way to promote Castle Fluffy Clouds, then to hand out flyers or have them be placed in various locations such as the Book Store with the Dreamachine. Unbeknownst to Woodleaf the inmates were trying to slip hidden messages into the flyers in a vain attempt to communicate with the outside world and hope for rescue.
This Fluffy White Cat is holding you, and will never let you go.
Macy: In Switzerland, there is a place, that is on a very high hill called Castle Fluffy Clouds. Macy made an unscheduled stop there and ended up staying overnight. The castle was owned by a group of ladies. People would come and stay a few nights and pay what they could. It was a flophouse. There were a lot of young people there, mostly students. They would just go to sleep anywhere like on the floor, and Macy had to pick her way carefully around them. The lay out was kind of narrow. The hill it was built on was narrow, and it three stories, and a lot of stairs. There was a woman in charge who was giving me a tour and telling me all about the place. They sold a special type of laundry detergent. It was flattened out like a paste and just a small amount was needed to wash clothes. I looked at all the different colors I was shown, to selection some to buy. They were all earth tones; browns, blacks, and off whites. I decided on some of the lighter and some of the darker shades to wash both dark and light clothes. I packed it up, and took it with me. I proceeded to try to find my next nights lodging, so I could take my plane back to California. But, I could not find it, and ended up going in a loop and ending up back at Castle Fluffy Clouds, which was a very nice place to stay. I wanted to stay, but things had changed. The women expressed their dissatisfaction, and they wanted me to buy Castle Fluffy Clouds. They said I could have a mortgage that would only cost me $20 dollars a month, but I was concerned about what type of repairs the place might need. I did not know the total selling price of the castle. I assume, I was to assume their mortgage. How could I manage the castle if I did not stay there full-time? I had to get back to California for business reasons. I hemmed and hawed about signing the contract to buy Castle Fluffy Clouds. My cat, Princess Fluffy, woke me from my dream.
Notes on Castle Fluffy Clouds
Because Macy would not or could not buy Castle Fluffy Clouds, it fell into the hands of Woodleaf.
Mortgages may be set in sets of 20s, 20 dollars, 200 dollars or 2000 dollars. For example David the alien claimed his mortgage was set at 200 dollars a month. We don’t know how it failed to pay it. Macy’s mortage is set at 2000 dollars per month, but Woodleaf’s was set at only 20 dollars because the Castle is old and needs a lot of upkeep.
Eventually, Woodleaf decided Castle Fluffy clouds would be a place that was more fitting (than Nueva Germania) with his expensive tastes. Posing as Mr. Bottle, he lured people in. Even Woodleaf could afford the 20 dollars a month mortgage. But due to a lack of population, he decided to that he would post that the people who lived in Castle Fluffy Clouds lived in a private wing away from the prying eyes of tourists. But like Jeffrey Dahmer he did not want people to leave. He noticed when they were just being polite to him and were thinking about leaving. It would be impolite for them to leave.
“I hate people when they’re not polite” song “Psycho Killer” by the Talking Heads, is often played in the at Castle Fluffy Clouds over large speakers. The people are afraid to leave. Woodleaf is extremely touching and the slightest little thing can send him into a rage.
Woodleaf wanted Macy to be in charge of Castle Fluffy Clouds Flyers. Woodleaf hands out the flyers, himself, at events in major cities such as New York, San Francisco, Los Angeles and Seattle in which he enjoys circulating the crowd, and making small talk with the event goers.
The Flyers are smaller than a piece of binder paper, but bigger than a business card. Each one is about a fourth of the size of a sheet of binder paper. It is possible to print the flyers as if they are four images and then cut the paper into four pieces.
Macy wants to know Woodleaf has neglected to update The Castle Fluffy Website since 2016. Woodleaf tells her he lost his log in credentials.
Agent M is a secret Agent who works for a spy agency known as the Organization. Her boss is an alien bend on world domination. He collects energy from humans by draining them in such as way, they can’t feel it. The only people who can see thought him are Chess Master, and occasionally Agent M, herself. Those who are aware of his inhuman persona are those with special powers and abilities that make them in high demand for the various spy agencies, who compete for a chance to feed off their emotions. In order to control their agents the Organization operates on a system of punishments and rewards. The problem is humans have so much spirit and courage, they do things to deliberately throw that system off balance. Agent M’s boyfriend is a demon named Archie, who works for Satan. God is in direct opposition to Dr. Evil because of a book he wrote and a philosophy he developed called Fun Games.
Chess Master has a horrible Valentine’s Day February 14, 2006
Chess Master visits Bee Girl in prison on Valentine’s Day, but it’s not very romantic because he has to tell her, there will be no new trail. Since the Organization has accidentally driven the only attorney who could have taken the case insane.
“Why!” screams Bee Girl.
She looks like she could turn violent, but she is behind a plastic barrier
“He must recover his sanity,” she declares. “You’re a chess genius, do something.”
“I may be good at chess,” he explains patiently, “but, I have no expertise in curing the mentally ill.”
“She won’t make a good wife for you Chess Master,” the Organization begins to interrupt. “Look at her and see her for what she really is. You can never be happy being married to someone like her. She has poor impulse control. She very likely did kill John Lassen.”
“No!” Chess Master says, out loud. “I can’t believe she would do that.”
“What are you talking about?” screams Bee Girl. She is now completely hysterical.
“The Organization is annoying me, right now,” explains Chess Master. “They are trying to cast doubt on your innocence.”
This is worse Valentine’s Day, Chess Master can possibly imagine. On one hand he has Bee Girl screaming at him, “This is a conspiracy. Can’t you see the Organization drove the lawyer crazy, just because they don’t want me to get out of prison.”
One the other hand, the Organization is speaking to him by telepathy, and telling him, that “Clearly you can see how unbalanced she is. We don’t mean to drive any of our agents insane. It just happens as an unfortunately side effect of our contact with them.”
He doesn’t know what to say, and he wants to consult his chess set, but he doesn’t have it with him. Finally, he makes up his mind, that the Organization is correct. He tells Bee Girl he thinks she is probably guilty.
“The only reason, you believe them and not me, is because I am locked up here, and they can talk to constantly. They have brainwashed you. I have so little time to talk to you, and they have continual access to your mind.” Bee Girl is adamant that she is innocent.
Finally Chess Master agrees that she is innocent, just to give himself some peace, but the more time that goes by the less he feels he loves Bee Girl, and anyway he can’t think of a way to get her out of prison.
Meanwhile Agent M gets a phone call telling her she has won a free trip to Hawaii.
“Archie, we won a free trip to Hawaii, but we have to leave right away. Do demons need to pack?”
“That could be a trick. I don’t trust it. When do we get back?” replies Archie.
“Friday, the day before the wedding. It’s not a trick. Every time I work out at Fitness USA, I’m entered to win a free trip to Hawaii, and this time it came true. I’m so happy! I love Hawaii.”
Not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend Archie agrees to the vacation.
Friday, February 24, 2006
Some where on the island of Molokai, their rental car breaks down leaving them stranded a good distance away from help or cell phone access.
“Well, it’s ok,” says Agent M, “I knew something awful was going to happen at that wedding. I didn’t want to go any way.”
But, Archie is furious.
Suddenly Dr. Evil’s voice interrupts the FM radio music, “Bad news, fools. I, Dr. Evil, played this prank upon you, just so you would miss the wedding. Maniacal laughter is heard. Then the Dr. Evil continues, “this is nothing personal Agent M, but your boyfriend is out of control.”
They have some water with them in the car, and a bag of Hawaiian chips.
“This is all Dr. Evil’s fault,” screams Archie, but he knows Dr. Evil, can’t hear him. “I should have known that he would have some revenge in store for me. He never lets anything go. I should have known this by now.”
Back in San Francisco, Buffy returns to Castle Evil from shopping. She is so excited that the Spend 50 promotion, once believed unpopular, has been extended into the winter/spring season.
Dr. Evil, Buffy and Lou sit down to a celebration meal. There is a bowl of brown sugar on the table, and when Buffy lifts the lid to put sugar in her herbal tea, there a little piece of paper with writing on it.
“What’s this mean?” she shows the note to Dr. Evil and Lou.
In heavy black letters the note reads, “This is how you pay me back. Thanks a lot. God.”
“What could this means?” she asks.
“Me and Dr. Evil went to a night club,” Lou begins, “and Dr. Evil brought food.”
“I deny it,” declares Dr. Evil. “Lou must of had a bad dream.”
Time unknown: Eventually Chess Master is contacted by a new Lawyer who is willing to take on Bee Girl’s Appeal. The flamboyant attorney named Woodard is known for only taking the most colorful and hard to defend clients, such as the Crying Not See. He dresses up in court, often like Ben Franklin, to show that he is defending The Constitution. Chess Master agrees to engage him out of sense of guilt, but he secretly hopes Bee Girl will never get out of prison, so he can be left in peace and quiet to continue to study his chess moves. The Organization agrees to pay the legal bills, and in fact insists that they will over pay Woodard, as they have unlimited funds which they may used for whatever they like. What they like to do is make Chess Master’s life miserable.
Cantwell’s attorney is Elmer Woodard, who appeared in court wearing an early-1800s-style red waistcoat with gold buttons, bowtie, white muttonchop whiskers, black velcro shoes, and a a 1910s-style straw boater hat. Source: The Daily Beast
Satan: “You know Archie, I did not think you had it in you to go very far in this Firm. In fact, your very existence was highly uncertain, but today, you have out done yourself.”
“Thank you very much, Sir.”
“I am increasing your salary by 50 percent, and there will be other perks and bonuses for you, Archie. You scared the Captain of the QE2, so much when you revealed yourself to him as demon, that he lost control of the ship, and it hit an iceberg.”
Satan giggles, “The boat sank. The best part was they did not have enough room in the life boats. Mortals died, and the survivors got to watch their friends and loved ones die. It was sheer bliss.”
“You are too kind, Sir.”
“You know, Archie,” Satan continues, “I heard it rumored you might want to leave this firm, and I hope it was not because of the way, I treated you. I am sorry, I threatened to fire you. In fact, I am going to be much nicer to you from now on, Archie. I want you to be free to do your very best work, without the stress and worry of being terminated.”
“I do appreciate that, Sir.”
“And now, I see that Dr. Evil, Buffy, Lou, and Agent M are stranded on a desert island, underneath the radar.”
Dr. Evil, Lou, Buffy, and Agent M are as miserable as they can possible be. They are shipwrecked on tropical island, and night is falling. They sit around a campfire.
“This is awful,” proclaims Lou, loudly, “It’s really awful, in fact, it is the most horrible awful thing, that could have possibly happened.”
He turns to Dr. Evil. “Dr. Evil, tell us, how we can get off this island?”
All three of them turn to Dr. Evil waiting for his response, but Dr. Evil is feeling drained and dejected. “Well,” he begins in a moderate tone, “Doubtless, this is work of the demon, but we must bear in mind, the demon may be out best chance of getting off this island. If we really are off the radar, and no one comes to rescue us. We will run short of supplies in a few days, and we really must make getting off this island our top priority.”
He turns to Agent M, “Can you summon Archie?,” he asks.
“No, of course, not. I have been thinking about him non stop, and trying to contact him since this happened. I asked him to save us, but I don’t it works that way, somehow with demons,” she replies.
Buffy snuggles up close to Dr. Evil and she says, “I don’t have my medication. I’m worried. I don’t want to withdraw from powerful antipsychotics on this island. We have to get out of here. I probably can’t even sleep without my pills. Please try your cell phone again.” There are tears in her eyes.
“Nothing works,” replies Dr. Evil, sadly, “Everything got wet, and even so our cell phones wouldn’t work. We are out of range, anyway.”
David Belfry arrives at the police station to pick up Chess Master, after posting bail for him.
When the two cops, whom Chess Master has named Good Guy and Bad Guy, return, Chess Master feels bitter despair and resignation, but this time they tell him, the charges have been dropped, and that someone has arrived to take him home.
They inject him with Sodium pentothal, and after it has taken effect, they tell him, that he has only fallen down the stairs. He was not beat up, and if he attempts to say otherwise, they will find him again, and this time it will really hurt much worse. They make him repeat the story over and over, until they feel he has gotten it right, and then they release him to David’s custody.
Immediately, David notices there is something wrong with Chess Master. He has been drugged and beat up.
“What happened to you?” he asks.
“I fell down the stairs,” Chess Master mumbles.
He decides to just get Chess Master out of the place as quickly as possible, and then try to sort it all out later.
In the car, David feels terrible, but feels he can do nothing, other than offer some kind of emotional support.
“I am going to drive you home. If something bad happened you can tell me.”
But, Chess Master only repeats the story, that the cops gave him.
When Chess Master gets home, he immediately opens his Chess Set, and all the pieces have so much to say, to him. They seem panicked and offer all kind of suggestions and advice, along with some reproaches. “How could you let yourself get into that situation? Why did you not just stay in your seat, and let the Fruit Hat Woman die, like that man told you? He’s an alien, you know. Why can you feel nothing from his mind?
Chess Master, agrees with that he must be an alien using some kind of advanced mind shielding technique. Chess Master can’t read his thoughts.
But, Chess Master also now thinks that the man is not so bad, considering Good Guy and Bad Guy are so awful. The Man is now looking much better, by comparison. He lies on his bed for hours, just listening to the voices. Then the phone rings, and he can see from his caller ID, that this the Organization. Normally, he would refuse to take their calls, but now he feels like it makes no difference, so he decides to answer.
“We were so worried,” the Organization begins, “We wanted to help you, but there was nothing we could do. We are small spy agency, and there are so many other spy agencies. Clearly, those cops belongs to a rival spy agency.”
“We may tell you, but you really need to spend a few days recovering from your injuries. You know you are really not in the best of mental or physical health. It probably results from refusing to leave the house, and not eating or sleeping much. We are most sympathetic, and wish you a speedy recovery.”
After Chess Master hangs up the phone, his Chess Set begins to go crazy.
“Creepy,” screams the Queen.
“Horrible,” laments the King.
And the other pieces have all kinds of similar input. Finally, Chess Master can’t stand it any longer.
“But, what am I going to do?” he asks the pieces.
After a long while, Little Bear says, “I don’t know, but I do know this, you are in serious trouble. Why would they have been so nice to you, if this was not a major victory on their part?”
“What can I do?” Chess Master asks them again.
“There is not much you can do,” says the King, “There have already made changes to your brain chemistry, that are permanent.”
“You can try to avoid them,” says the Queen, “But, they could retaliate by sending the Bad Cops, after you.”
“We can’t even determine,” says the King, “That the Organization was responsible for you getting beat up. Therefore, we advise you to not jump out the window. Wait and see what happens.”
As far as Chess Master is concerned he can handle the creepiness of the Organization better, than can handle the Bad Cops.
So he decides to go to bed, but sleep just won’t come. He is much too upset.
Back on the Island, the stranded group decides to collect food and build a shelter while waiting for rescue.
When Dr. Evil returns to the camp, he find Buffy lying on the ground, in a seemly catatonic state.
“Are you doing ok, Darling Buffy?” he enquiries.
“Matching handbag coordinates,” murmurs Buffy.
Poor Buffy, thinks Dr. Evil without the mental crutch of shopping what was left of her fragile mind has fallen apart.
He finds Agent M, and he asks her, “Have you been able to summon, Archie, or any other demon, or any other supernatural entity, that could help us get off this island?”
“No,” she replies, “I have not heard from anything or anyone.”
“Spend 50,” says Buffy.
“What are you talking about?”asks Dr. Evil
“When I spend 50 dollars, at the Limited Two, I get 25 in Limited Two Bucks, that I can use towards a purchase of another item, but that item has to be more than 50 dollars.”
“What is a Limited Two?” ask Lou.
Buffy does not seem to hear him, but rambles on, “But, I gotta get back to the mall. My coupon will expire between July 4 and September 1.
Buffy has a small coupon all crumpled up, and she gives it to Lou. No further communication is possible.
Lou takes the coupon and walks back over to Dr. Evil and Agent M. He gives the coupon to Macy, and asks her to explain it.
“I think this must have something to do with shopping,” says Lou.
“Spend 50 was a sales promotion, that the Limited Too had last year,” explains Macy. “Buffy is attempt to communicate her desire to return to the mall, by showing you this coupon. Unfortunately, the coupon expired last year in September 2004, and the details of that promotion made the customers so angry, that it was never reinstated.”
Note: The Limited Too, was a shop at the Stonestown Galleria
“I have already explained the urgency of getting Buffy back into a controlled environment,” interrupts Dr. Evil. “She can’t function in reality, and she needs the constantly mental stimulation of shopping, or her mind will collapse.”
“I can’t see that is any hope,” Dr. Evil continues, “Unless we can get her interested in something else to occupy her mind, and there really is nothing here on this island that could do that. If only there was some way we could get rescued.”
At that moment Mr. Squirrel spins a globe of the world, and lets his hand drift over the ocean areas.
“Where could Agent M be?” he wonders out loud.
The globe stops on an area over the Atlantic. She is stranded here, and Mr. Squirrel has decided she should be rescued.
Mr. Squirrel is obsessed with destroying the Organization only because he has mistakenly confused the Organization with The Conspiracy. The Organization represents a viable target that he can focus on.
Mr. Squirrel will not be duped by the Conspiracy. There will be no gathering of nuts, or raising baby squirrels for him. Yet, his insatiable desire to fight the so-called “Conspiracy” already driven him to madness, and beyond years ago. Now his thoughts fester.
Suddenly an idea comes to him. Agent M is stranded on a desert island and he knows where it is on the globe. He calls David Belfly and gives him the coordinates for the Island.
David picks up Chess Master at his house, and although he does not want to go out on the rescue boat to the island to pick up the castaways, he is afraid to say no, so he agrees.
When the group sees the rescue boat they are elated. Once they board the vessel and they set off again. David tells them to go down below to have a few drinks and relax.
“Don’t go down,” says Chess Master, weakly.
But, his spirit has pretty much been broken. If he tells them that David is alien, now only will they not believe him, they will say he’s delusional and laugh at him.
“Of course, we shall all go down,” declares Dr. Evil. “Can you get Buffy an Internet connect, so she can do some online shopping? It is the only thing that can pull her back to reality,” he asks David.
“Yes,” David, smiled benevolently, and so human like, “If you come down, all manner of wonderful things are possible. I can see Chess Master has already made up his mind. He does not want to go down, and I respect that, but that is not a reason to deter the rest of you from coming down. I even have a X Box,” David concludes proudly.
“Oh, an X Box,” says Lou, excitedly, “I want to go down.”
Buffy is beyond all human communication, and she stands mutely.
“I guess, I will go down, if everyone else is going down,” says Agent M.
I will deal with you later, David thinks at Chess Master. Don’t say anymore.
Everyone one goes down, leaving Chess Master alone on the upper level.
After 15 minutes of waiting, Chess Master is dying to know what has happened to them. He wants some way to communicate with them. Maybe if they are not completely destroyed, he will go down also. He still has not figured out how to get any food, and the stale water from the bathroom, makes him feel sick when he drinks it. He imagines it could contain all kinds of impurities, and germs from the sanitation system. He thinks of his cell phone, and decides to try to place a call to Agent M. Although is impossible for a cell phone to work in the middle of nowhere, he tries anyway. Agent M picks up the call, and he hears loud music playing in the background.
“Are you all right, Agent M?” he asks her. “What is David doing to you?”
“We are having a party,” says Agent M in a dreamy voice. “It is ever so much fun. Why don’t you come down?”
Chess Master thinks she sounds like she has just smoked opium. He reasons this is the effect of David’s energy draining generator.
“I think, I will stay up here,” he says. Chess Master trusts nothing and no one. “Is there any way you could bring me some food? I’m really starving.”
“I would, but,” Agent M’s voice is slurred, “the party is so very fun. I don’t think I can leave.”
“You have to drag yourself away,” Chess Master insists.
She doesn’t reply, but the music plays on. Maybe she has fallen asleep, or passed out?
“Are you still there?” Chess Master shouts in the phone. But, he only hears the music playing.
“I told you before,” says Little Bear, “You will have to go down there, eventually.”
“Who asked for your input?” Chess Master snaps angrily.
Why is his chess set open? He picks up Little Bear, and puts him back inside and closes the wooden board. Then he feels even worse. Little Bear is his favorite chess piece. Even when he was struck by lightning and mugged in New York. He always knew somehow that Little Bear’s advice was valuable. There is nothing else to do, but call the Organization, in spite of the fact, that they creep him out. Angry desperation motivates him to make the call.
When they answer, he completely loses control, and starts yelling, “I am stuck on the boat with your man, David. He has hoarded all the resources, and gotten everyone high, and if you tell me, I have to go down there…”
“Calm down,” the Organization interrupts him. “We have word that Mr. Squirrel is once again plotting to destroy us. Naturally, because you are a help to us, we will find some way to get supplies to you.”
The Organization called David and has a talk with him.
Shortly afterward David declares that Chess Master can go down and pick up as many snacks and drinks as he can carry.
With great trepidation, Chess Master slowly makes his way down the stairs.
When Chess Master enters the room he finds it decorated with psychedelic memorabilia from the late 60’s and early 70’s. There is a shag orange carpet, a color strobe light, and lava lamps everywhere.
“We are so glad you could make it the party,” Agent M greets him warmly and even kisses him on the cheek. Chess Master doesn’t like this contact, but he doesn’t complain.
David has read the minds of everyone, and managed to fulfill whatever it was they wanted.
Buffy is back to normal. “I have redecorated Castle Evil with all the bargains, I found online at Overstock dot com. As soon as I get home, my packages will be waiting for me. I feel wonderful. I have never been so happy,” she announces in a perky voice.
“David, has all the new games on his X Box,” says Lou, “He even has ones that have not been released yet. I got to play Ambush the Terrorists, before anyone else. David is so cool.”
“Yes, I like him so much better,” agrees Agent M, “Now, that he has stopped being a Secular Humanist, and started being a Sensual Materialist. He even changed his name to Mr. David. Isn’t that amazing?”
Dr. Evil is smoking a bong, but he stops for a few minutes, to say, “David really did us up,” and continues smoking.
Chess Master can’t deal with any of this right now. These people are beyond help. At least they seem happy, he thinks.
“I am just going to take some food, and go back upstairs. I am sorry to interrupt your party, but I have to get back to my chess set.”
“Why don’t you stay?” says Agent M, with disappointment.
“Yes, stay,” invites Dr. Evil, “I am sure David will really do you up, too.”
Chess Master takes a few energy bars and some bottles of Evian Water, and leaves quickly.
As soon as Chess Master is safely back on the upper level of the boat, David begins to message him by telepathy.
“Chess Master, you really should come down, everyone here feels so friendly towards you now. Of course, I could change that and make them set upon you like wild dogs. I can make them do anything I want.”
“Shut up, David, I am not coming down, and you can’t make me change my mind by thinking at me.”
“Don’t be so disagreeable, Chess Master, I have another present for you. It’s a Teddy Ruxpin, and it’s just sitting on one of the tables up there. Go have a look.”
Chess Master finds the large Teddy Bear with its mechanical moving parts. The eyes on the Bear open, and it moves its mouth as it begins to sing, “Your Friend, Your Friend, that’s what I’ll like to be.”
Chess Master knows, right away, that he should throw this Bear over the side of the boat, just like the little TV, but something about the singing is so hypnotic, that he has to listen.
“You’re tired,” Teddy Ruxpin, says. “If you put me near your head, and go to sleep, then I will sing you a lullaby.”
Chess Master does as the Bear instructs. He is so very tired. He curls up on the floor, and Teddy continues to sing. He thinks he has gone to sleep, when he realizes the song lyrics have changed in nature. “When the Villagers came, I hid. Or else, I would surely be doomed. But, I had my friend the Silent E. He helped me hide, quite easily.” Teddy is singing the Silent E song. He forces himself to wake up, realizing if he goes to sleep, David will send the others up here, to drag him down there, and that is what David has been planning all along. He doesn’t know how he is going to survive until this boat gets back to San Francisco. So, he calls the Organization.
“You have to do something about David,” he moans. “He just gave me a Teddy Ruxpin, and it’s saying things that make me paranoid. I can’t sleep, and I can’t stay awake.”
“Throw the Bear over the side,” the Organization suggests.
“I would do that, but it seems to have some kind of power over me, and I can’t.”
“Don’t worry about it, Chess Master, we already have a fail proof plan to get rid of David. As soon as the boat arrives in San Francisco, Mr. Squirrel is going to take David out.”
“What?” What are you talking about?”
“Mr. Squirrel thinks he can fight us by hurting our agents. He is an accomplished sniper. He will be hiding. When he sees David, he is going to shoot him. We have alerted Mr. Squirrel to the approximate arrival time of the boat, and he has a photography of David.”
“You can’t let that happen,” Chess Master screams into the phone, “What about David? It would also kill him.”
“We are sorry about our Agent,” explains the Organization, “But, we can’t think of any other way to get rid of David. I don’t suppose you have any ideas?”
“No, I don’t, but there has to be some other way.”
“You sound very stressed out,” says the Organization in a soothing tone. “Why don’t you go do there, and give in to the mind machine. It will make you feel much better, and when David is assassinated, the hold on your mind will be broken. It won’t cause you any harm. Your friends seem to love it.”
“I just hope,” the Organization, continues, “That they don’t become too attached to David, since he is going to die. You may have to comfort them.”
“I am not going down there,” insists Chess Master.
“Why?” counters the Organization, “You think you would also become attached to David, like them?”
“I could never become attached to David,” Chess Master screams, “I don’t want to talk to you anymore.”
Down Below Macy, Dr. Evil, Lou, and Buffy are well into the swing of the party, when suddenly the music stops, and the lights come on in the room. David is standing before them with a big scowl on his face.
“The party’s over humans.” David announces. “I got you good and high, and now, it’s time for all of you, to start working on helping me collect energy.
Everyone is just too stunned to speak, for a while, but Dr. Evil recovers first, and he says, “Why would you call us humans? Are you implying that you are not a human?” The color has drained for Dr. Evil’s face, and he twists his hands nervously. The others are showing similar signs of panic, but they are looking to Dr. Evil to get them out of this.
“You assume correctly, foolish human,” replies, David with a menacing tone. “Only Chess Master had the insight to see me for what I am, an alien.”
You humans were so very easy to fool. I was able to buy one of you, for a video game, and another of you for internet access to shopping. Clearly, none of you have any pride or self-respect. You sold yourselves to me for mere trifles. Except for Agent M, who did it to be part of the group. As for you Dr. Evil, I have no idea, why you did it, except that you are a mindless slave to any type of pleasure.”
“I will leave you here to consider your fates,” says David, but I will be back and by then you have better of thought of ways to help me collect energy.”
Once David leaves everyone starts to talk at once.
“All right, everyone just calm down,” says Dr. Evil, attempting to restore order to the chaos. “I am a genius, and I will come up with something, but you must be quiet, and let me think of a plan”
Everyone falls silent and watches Dr. Evil. Dr. Evil closes his eyes as if he is thinking very hard and when he opens his eyes, he begins to scream in an irrational voice.
“Pigeons!” screams Dr. Evil, “Coffee! I’m rich ever so rich.”
“It must be the LSD we took,” says Lou, in a panic. “I did not want to tell you ladies that we found blotter acid. We took what we thought was a small dose to past the time. It has not affected me much yet, but clearly Dr. Evil has taken too much.”
As Buffy regains consciousness she hears Dr. Evil screaming nonsense.
What is that?” she asks, Agent M. “Is that my husband’s voice, I hear?”
“Yes,” says Agent M. “He’s been going on like that for hours. Lou and I had to lock him in one of bedrooms, because he was driving us insane. He’s somewhat muffled now, but still audible.”
“What?” Buffy is unable to comprehend this state of affairs. “My husband never acts like this. There must be something seriously wrong with him. I had better go check on him.”
But, the alarming screaming continues, “A check, I must have a check, to deposit or I can’t eat dinner.”
“What is does that mean?” asks Buffy. She is unable to make herself go and open the door, and she decides to get an better understanding of the situation, and determine the risk vs. benefit ratio of such an action.
“At times it appears that he is yelling in a random pattern of words, which has no meaning, and at other times meanings do become apparent.”
“So, what does ‘I need a check’ mean?” asks Buffy.
“Being a business tycoon, your husband is a very money oriented man. However, in this case, I think he means for the words ‘check’ and ‘dinner’ to stand for other concepts which are more difficult to define, then simple nouns. I know it’s very painful to listen to, maybe we can find some ear plugs?”
“I hate it,” declares Buffy. “Won’t he ever stop? I don’t think this can be good for his blood pressure. The doctor warned me, he was not to get over excited like this. He does not take care of his health, and he at risk for numerous cardio vascular conditions.”
“He took some bad drugs,” explains Agent M. “I have a feeling that the drugs on this boat were an deliberate attempt by Gray to mess up our minds. He knew we would find them and take them, and so he must have poisoned them in some way. We should not have taken them without knowing their safety. We seem to have come out ok, but your husband has lost his mind.”
Buffy begins to cry.
“Don’t cry, Buffy. I think he will be alright when the drugs where off, unless…” her voice trails off.
“Unless what?” demands Buffy.
“Think of the mind as a house build of bricks. You must build on a solid foundation. If some of the bricks are removed and replaced with different bricks, the house will become unstable as the mind attempts to incorporate new concepts and beliefs. Naturally, the mind will prefer to reject the new ideas, and replace them with the older beliefs, in order to process the world in a way that it can understand. Once his mind has rejected the new beliefs (in the realm of the fantastic) that are making him unstable, I believe he will return to the same old Dr. Evil. Unless, of course, these beliefs become incorporated too deeply into his mind. In which case, he will never be the same again, but maybe he can be stable.”
“I want my husband to be exactly like he was,” declares Buffy angrily. “I don’t want him to change at all. Just wait, until I get my hands on that alien.”
After 12 hours Dr. Evil begins to come back to himself. David the alien seems to have disappeared and the boat drifts into a port city in South America. Dr. Evil is able to use his credit as a wealthy business man to buy the friends a first class plane ticket home. He apologizes for taking drugs and promised he will never do it again.
The plain trip in first class was incredibly relaxing and steak and lobster were served. Once back at home, everyone begins to feel much better and tensions calm down.
Chess Master is enjoying a peaceful evening at home when he gets a phone call from The Organization.
The Organization: “Greetings Chess Master! We know you hate us, but we have some critical information to impart to you. Could you give us just a moment of your attention?”
“I don’t hate you.” Chess Master’s tone is acid.
“Well, we are certainly pleased to hear this. What felicitous circumstances brought forth this monumental, and may we add correct, decision?”
“Nothing. When Agent M pointed out to me that engaging you in an antagonistic fashion was counter productive, I decided to suspend hostilities, until I can come up with a more effective strategy to be rid of you, once and for all. I am most anxious to bring you do so. I have not changed.”
“Good point, Chess Master, which is neither here nor there. Regardless of your newly adopted revelation, this information is time sensitive in nature. Therefore, we shall dispense with our normally lengthy pontifications, and get straight to the point, without further delay.”
“Yes, what is it then?” Chess Master speaks in a tone of resignation.
“There are two rodents lurking outside your home looking to breach your residences. Their names are Mr. Squirrel and Mr. Gerbils. They have come to kill you, so we suggest you focus your current energies on finding a way to prevent them from entering.
Chess Master looks out the window and sees two men. The taller one has short red hair, and the shorter one has dirty blonde hair in a ratty pony tail.
“They are armed and dangerous,” comments the Organization dryly.
“Do something!” demands Chess Master.
“My dear boy, what would you have us do? We are a disembodied entity, and in case you have forgotten, that means we can’t affect anything in the physical world. We rely on our agents to do things for us, and that means you have to do something.”
“Just stop it, with the god damn speeches, and tell me what to do.”
“Have you considered each possible point of entry? Oh, dear, I’m afraid, it’s too late, they just broke the basement window. They will be with you shortly, it you don’t block the door the leads up from the basement.”
Chess Master runs to the door, and quickly pushes a dresser to block it. He hears the angry cursing, from downstairs.
“Now, what I am going to do?” he demands.
“We hope that holds them. We are going to retire for the evening. We don’t wish to be talking to you at these times, but we must say, this is so incredibly delicious. We hope you will survive.”
Chess Master notices the slurred speech. “Oh no, you don’t. Do not go and nod off on me now. I swear to God, if you do, I am going to let them in, and let them kill me. You are going to get me out of this.”
“Chess Master, why that’s blackmail. Every creature fears death, and we are gambling on that. We really must depart. We do not wish to communicate further with you, at this time.”
Mr. Squirrel and Mr. Gerbils brust into the apartment, and find Chess Master with his hand on the phone dailing 911. So they make a hasty departure.
Chess Master is at home doing nothing, when he hears the doorbell ring. “Look out the window, that is sure to be someone you won’t like.” says Little Bear. Chess Master looks out the window and sees David Belfry, and instantly feels such a deep loathing that it seems to sink into the very pours of his entire being. He does nothing, and hopes this man will go away, and then the phone rings. The man is calling him on his cell from outside, so Chess Master doesn’t answer. But, the man keep waiting, ringing the doorbell, knocking and sometimes calling out “Hello there, I’m from the Organization.” Chess Master hates the Organization more passionately then he has ever hated anything, even this man whom he hates more than words can even express. He finds an old flyer, and scrawls the words, “I Hate You. Go Away”. He pushes the paper under the door. The David picks up the paper and reads, it. Then he writes a note of the other side of the paper, and sends it back under the door, the note reads. “Something awful will happen to Bee Girl, open up.” Reluctantly, Chess Master opens the door, and the man starts explaining they have to go to a concert, and they will take his car parked outside. But, everything the man is saying sounds like it’s coming from a wind tunnel. Chess Master nods his head ok, and they walk to the car. As they drive toward Van Ness Avenue, Belfry is chatting away about the concert, and how Count Lester is going to murder the Fruit Hat Woman live on stage.
Chess Master falls into a gloomy silence once again.
They is never any parking is San Francisco, so they the car valet parked.
The take their seats, they sit in silence, and the concert begins.
Chess Master decides to tune out the concert by going over his favorite Chess moves in his mind.
Then he notices a creepy shadow in the balcony moving towards the stage. Count Lester is shaping shifting his way closer and closer to the stage, assuming first the form of a seat, and then next seat, but making his way ever closer.
Chess Master is alarmed, so he asks Agent M’s Boss, what to do.
“Nothing,” he replies, “We are only here to watch and confirm that she has died.”
The shadow is creeping slowly, and yet relentlessly toward the stage. Now, the shadow is moving across the stage getting closer, but no one else seemed to notice. They appear to be hypnotized by the music. Only Chess Master is immune, because he has being going over Chess Moves, and not listening to the concert.
Slowly the twisted figure of Count Lester begins to take shape moving ever close to the Fruit Hat Woman who is completely unaware of her imminent demise. Chess Master rushes for the stage, but it is too late. The lights go out and there is screaming and panic. The security team tackles Chess Master. The Fruit Hat Woman lies dead. Count Lester is gone. Chess Master was arrested for her murder, in spite of the fact, no one has actually seen him kill her.
“Ok, let us go over this one more time.” Chess Master has been interrogated for hours.
“You say, a man, who’s name you don’t know, forced you to come to concert by threatening your girlfriend, Bee Girl?” one of the men is asking him.
“Do you mean Bee Girl, the Queen of Public Access?”
“Yes,” Chess Master replies, he is very tired.
“She’s not in prison, I see her on TV every week.”
“Those are all reruns”, Chess Master explains. “They run those shows to make it look like she’s still around. Bee Girl became dangerously obsessed with a cartoon artist. She talked about it on her show. I can see you don’t believe me.” Chess Master realizes it’s pointless talking to these goons. But, they won’t stop asking him questions.
“What was his name?
“John Lassen was killed when his car went off Devil’s Slide. It was an accident, everyone knows that.”
Chess Master says nothing.
They seem to be playing Good Cop Bad Cop, and now the Bad Cop is threatening to beat the truth out of him, if he doesn’t confess.”
“I want to see a lawyer.” Chess Master mumbles weakly, but he knows somehow it’s too late.
Lauren’s Note: Preface
What I was trying for, in the cruise ship sequence was to replicate a typical plot used in stories by P G Wodehouse. The characters are stuck together somewhere (usually an estate belonging to one of Bertie’s Aunts), and all chaos will break loose if a character (usually Roderick Spode) believes that a character (usually Bertie Wooster) is having an affair with a girl (usually Madeline Bassett.) Part of the joke is Bertie is not desirous of Madeline Bassett and the whole thing is a misunderstanding. Did you know that Roderick Spode was based on a real historical figure, Oswald Mosley who was the leader of the British Fascist Party. In the end Roderick Spode succeeds in marrying Madeline Bassett much to Bertie relief, but I often puzzled over why P G Wodehouse allowed a Fascist character to succeed? It may have been the best of trying up loose ends, but he could have allowed Bertie best friend Gussie Fink-Nottle marry Madeline Bassett as he is also in love with her for most of the series, but is too shy to make his intentions known. But, there is some uncomfortable history in which the English believed that P G Wodehouse was too sympathetic to Hitler and the Fascist. This notion was not at all credible, but P G Wodehouse moved to America and never went back to England. P G Wodehouse was involved in famous feud with the author of Winnie the Pooh A. A. Milne. Which is why he satires the character Christopher Robin. In the Mating Season Bertie is forced by Madeline Bassett to recite the Poem that goes “Christopher Robin goes hoppity-hoppity-hop.” It turns out that A. A. Milne was critical of P G Wodehouse over the Fascist debacle. A. A. Milne maybe of not been such a nice man. I understand the real Christopher Robin, his son, felt embarrassed all his life from the burden placed upon him by being Christopher Robin.
Agent M is so upset by her encounter with Lou, she decides drastic action is needed. She is going to call Dr. Evil, and beg him, if necessary, to call off Lou, before Archie ends up being killed. But, what if Buffy answers the phone? Maybe she should write him a letter? No, that is too slow. An email is too risky. What if Buffy sees the email. She decides to call his publishing house. Speaking to the receptionist, she says she has a book for publication which is called “Fun Games, the Ultimate guide to Mind Control”, and she wants a personal call back from Dr. Evil. Shortly there after her phone rings, and it is Dr. Evil.
“Hello, Agent M. It has been so long since I have seen you. How have you been after all these years?”
“I want you to call off Lou,” she says.
“What are you talking about?” Dr. Evil asks innocently.
“I am talking about Lou, killing Archie. I want you to call it off.”
“I don’t what you are talking about. Who’s Archie?” Dr. Evil sounds annoyed.
She is going to say, Archie is a demon, but realizing how insane that sounds, she says, “Archie is my new boyfriend, and Lou is trying to kill him.”
“Why would Lou, want to kill your boyfriend? You’re not making any sense. Are you on drugs?” Dr. Evil reproaches her.
“Just tell me what you want in exchange for not having Archie killed,” she replies trying to sound confident.
“I want you see you again, of course,” says Dr. Evil. “In fact, we are leaving on the QE2 tomorrow. If you want to come, I will send you a ticket.”
“If I go, does that mean Archie won’t be killed?”
“I don’t know any Archie, but I promised he won’t be killed. Just don’t bring him on the cruise. I want to see you alone.”
“All right, then send me a ticket, and I won’t bring Archie.”
“Ok, Agent M, there is just one thing. You had better register on the ship with a different name, and disguise your appearance. Buffy is coming on the cruise, and she gets very jealous. But, I know you spies like to do things like that, so you should be right in your favorite element. Lou is going also, and that won’t be a problem, right?”
“No, it won’t be a problem.” Agent M feels resigned to her fate.
After she hangs up the phone, she feels very happy about going on a cruise, and she begins to think what will she wear to upstage Buffy, and not how what potentially disastrous consequences could result.
It is the first night of the cruise and Agent M is suppose to meet Dr. Evil at the Captain’s Table, disguised as Lady Alameda, but she does not show up. Dr. Evil senses something is wrong so he gives Lou the key to her cabin, and sends him down to check on her. Shortly after Lou returns and then he takes Dr. Evil aside, and tells him this story, “I knocked on her door and there was no answer so I went in, and I saw that demon again. She was in there with Archie. So, I quickly closed the door, and I reported back to you.”
“All right,” says Dr. Evil, “There is no need to panic. I will go down there and collect her, myself.”
He goes down and knocks on her door. There is no answer. He opens the door, and find Agent M lying on the bed crying.
“What happened?” he asks.
“Archie was here, and he is really upset. He must have stowed away on the ship. He is really jealous. He demanded I get off the ship, at the next port. I told him I would not. Then he would not let me go to dinner with you. Then he said, if I did he would send copies of “Fun Games” to all the guests on the cruise. Then Lou came in, while we were fighting and Archie got scared and disappeared. I don’t know where he is, now, and what he is going to do.”
She continues crying.
“That’s all right, maybe it won’t be so bad,” Dr. Evil tries to confront her.
“It is the most terrible book in the whole world. I wish all copies were destroyed, and that I did not have any memory of it,” she continues crying.
“And did you know, what Archie said to me?” she said, “that I was only on this cruise, because you had manipulated my mind.”
“Why, that is so untrue,” exclaims Dr. Evil. “You came on this cruise, because you wanted to go to a fun party, and wear beautiful clothes, and sit at the Captain’s Table with me. How did I manipulate your mind?”
“According to book, which Archie read a passage from, the target organism will always seek to find pleasure and avoid pain, even if it means sinking to a low level of morality. Once it starts, there is no stopping the forces of behaviorism. There is no such thing as free will.”
“All right, then I will go and make some excuse, I will say you are ill tonight. You have to pull yourself together, and I will find some way to take care of Archie, and make sure all copies of the book are destroyed.”
“You promised,” shrieks Agent M, “That you would not have Archie killed, if I came on this cruise.” She is completely hysterical now.
“I won’t have him killed. I will do something. I will buy him off. There has to be something he wants. If I have to buy his soul back from Satan, I promise, I will. So stop crying and pull yourself together. I have to go back up to table before they notice, I’m gone.”
Dr. Evil returns to his table and tires to pretend like nothing is wrong. This goal is aided by the liberal drinking policy on the QE2. Everyone is drinking so very much, and no one in the party is an AA person. It is first night of the cruise, and everyone is celebrating. Dr. Evil notices Lou has already made the acquaintances of several attractive women, and is now attempting to convince one of them, a Miss Crabtree, to allow him to continue their conversation in a more private area. Dr. Evil knows in the back of his mind, the only way he can buy back Archie’s soul, will be to call Satan. Demons, decides Dr. Evil are always laughing at you behind your back. It seems like they are always laughing at the tragedy of one’s mortal life. Without demons, the world would be a much better place.
Dr. Evil decides he had better get back to Buffy who is waiting for him in cabin, and he finds her incredibly drunk, but she confronts him.
“Something is going on with you,” she slurs.
“No, why do you think that?”
“You left for a while, and then again, and you looked strange, something is not right with you. Would you mind telling me what is going on?”
“Well, Buffy you are right. I found out that Agent M is a passenger on this ship.”
“There is nothing to worry about,” says Dr. Evil. Macy is here was Archie and she has she confessed her love for him, and their future plans to marry. But they can only do that if I can turn him back into a mortal.”
Buffy too stunned to speak, and Dr. Evil continues.
“The problem is I will have to buy his soul back from Satan, and Satan and I are hardily on good speaking terms these days. All of this has been weighting on my mind, and so naturally, I appear to be upset.”
All of this is not actually a lie, reasons Dr. Evil, it is an exaggerated version of the truth, and moreover it will cause Buffy to stop nagging him, so he will be able to think. She often talks on and on, complaining and accusing him of cheating, and making it impossible for him to think. He really needs more time right now, to think about how to approach Satan and get Archie’s soul back. He has reasoned that if Archie and Agent M were to get married, it would be the perfect cover for him to continue his affair with Agent M.
Dr. Evil calls Agent M, and finds that she is still crying. “Stop crying,” he tells her, “and listen to me. You have to marry Archie.”
“What, marry Archie?” she exclaims, “I never want to see Archie again. I hope he never comes back. He called me (more sobs) a target organism.”
“Demons do things like that.” Dr. Evil attempts to calm her down. “They say, nasty, horrible things to people. No one would ever think you were a target organism.”
“He was so nice before,” she sobs. “What could have caused this to happen?”
“You should have known,” says Dr. Evil, “It was only a matter of time, before he revealed his true demonic nature to you. How do you think he got his soul damned in the first place? But, listen to me, you have to marry Archie or at least pretend to marry him, because I told Buffy that you would.”
“Why did you do that?” she asks.
“Because I had to tell her something to get her off my back. Once you marry Archie, she won’t be jealous anymore. We can still see each other, as much as you want, after you marry Archie.” Dr. Evil hopes that this sounds sincere.
“I still love you, Macy” says Dr. Evil, “But if Buffy divorces me, it will be a huge social scandal and she will take half of my money,” he declares.
“Alright, then,” she says, “But, what if he won’t marry me. He may never even come back.”
“You have to tell him, that he has to marry you and destroy all copies of Fun Games, or else, I won’t call Satan and try to win his soul back. He will do it. There is nothing more important to him then getting his soul back. Remember Agent M, he has to do both those things or else, I am not ever going to try to go to bat for him. Demons are untrustworthy.”
“I can ask him, I guess,” she says without conviction.
“You don’t want Fun Games published, do you?” he adds.
“No,” she is crying again, “That would ruin my entire life.”
“Neither do I,” says Dr. Evil. “So ask him tonight, and I will call you in the morning. Buffy is really drunk, and I have to help her back to her room.”
Agent M decides to call Archie’s cell phone instead of speaking with him, in person, considering their last conversation had been rather unpleasant.
When he answers she says, “Well, Dr. Evil is going to try to buy your soul back from Satan.”
Instantly, Archie appears in the room, unnerving Agent M who then drops the phone in her panic.
“That’s wonderful! I am sorry that I yelled at you. Can you forgive me?” he says with great enthusiasm.
“Wait and hear me out. First, you have to destroy all copies of Fun Games, and then we have to get married.”
“We are going to get married? Great, things just can’t get any better.” She notices he appears to be happy, and she realizes she has never seen him happy.
“Why are you so happy?” she demands. “We aren’t getting married for real, you know.”
“Why not?” he asks, taken aback.
“We are only getting married so Buffy won’t be jealous any more. I think that is a good idea, because she has threatened to kill me several times. But, I am still mad at you. You called me a target organism.”
“You took that all wrong,” he says. “What is a organism? It is anything that is alive. What is a target? Anything that has been selected. I was only trying to point out to you, that Dr. Evil has manipulated you. I hate to see you falling in love with him again, when I am the one who really loves you. It really hurt me, and I am sorry, I got angry. Do you forgive me?”
“I don’t think you really love me,” she replies frostily, “You would say anything to get your soul back.”
“I don’t really mind being a demon,” he replies, “In fact, it is superior condition to being mortal, but I just can’t take being Satan’s servant. You have no idea of the tortures he puts me through. Every few days, he comes up with some “new idea” and then he wants me to go places and do things. Then he will abandon the entire plan, and get caught up in another “new idea”. My life feels pointless. I don’t understand how, I can go one like this for all eternity. I think often I would be better off if I let Lou kill me.”
“Well, that does sound really bad,” she says.
Archie’s senses that she is weakening and soon she will forgive him, so he adds. “And I really do love you. You have made my life much better, then these few short weeks, I have known you. I want to get married, right away.”
Archie would not mind being married to Agent M. The only thing wrong with her is she is boring and slow witted, but this is a quality shared by most mortals. Since he became a demon, mortals seem to be moving and thinking very slowly, and it bores him to be around them.
“I will destroy all the copies of Fun Games, tonight. You need to get some rest. You look exhausted. Then tomorrow, we can plan where we can go for our honeymoon.”
“That is assuming we even have a honeymoon, Archie. This won’t be a real marriage.”
“Of course, we have to have a honeymoon. If we don’t Buffy will get suspicious. We can go somewhere in England, like Stratford-on-Avon.”
Agent M sleeps badly, and the next morning she lies in bed in her cabin thinking about what just happened.
But, nothing prepares her for the horrors that are to come.
There is a knock at the door, and she thinks it’s Dr. Evil, so she opens the door. Buffy is standing there.
She smiles warmly. “Macy, may I come in?”
Buffy sits down on the bed, “My husband told me the good news. I came over to congratulate you. I am sorry, I was so mean to you at the mall. I am sure we can become best friends. I want to help plan the wedding.”
Agent M is shocked and stunned.
Buffy continues, “What’s wrong? You look upset. You should be happy.”
Agent M quickly realizes she will have to play the role of a happy bride to be, and her current gloom demands explanation, so she says, “ If something goes wrong and Archie can’t get his soul back from Satan, he could be killed at any time.”
“Killed? What do you mean?” Buffy is horrified.
“Satan is bipolar, and his rages are out of control. If he gets angry enough, he will destroy Archie completely. No death, no afterlife, just destroy him. He will be completely gone, like he never existed.”
“Why, that’s terrible!” says Buffy. “I will go tell my husband, that he has to get on the task right away of buying Archie’s soul back.
Buffy marches back to her cabin, and immediately goes on the attack.
“I have just been to see Agent M,” she announces, “She said, that if Archie is not turned back into a mortal Satan could kill him at anytime.”
“If that happens, she continues, “I might be become very upsetting thinking you were still trying to date her.”
Dr. Evil begins to panic, “There is no reason to think that could happen, Darling Buffy. Maybe you should take some of these pills, if you think you are starting to feel upset?”
The last thing he wants is for Buffy to get upset, considering what happened, all the other times Buffy became “upset”. Killing the Toaster Oven, was only the first sign of a long process of psychological decline, that would lead her back to Napa State Hospital.
He leaves Buffy in the cabin lying down, and goes to call Agent M.
“Why?” he yells into the phone, “Did you tell Buffy there is a chance that Archie could be killed? Just that very notion in her mind is enough to upset her.”
“I’m sorry,” she whines, “I had to tell her the reason why I was unhappy, and it was all I could think of on short notice.”
“Listen to me, Agent M, and listen carefully, no matter what happens with Archie’s Soul, we have to tell Buffy that the plan succeeded and that Archie has become a mortal. You will have to pose as a happy couple for the rest of this cruise.”
“But, I can’t control Archie,” she moans, “He comes and goes when he pleases, popping up here and there, and then disappearing.”
“You tell him that there is to be no more of that. If Archie is going to pose as a mortal, he is going to have to starting acting like one.”
“But, for all I know,” she continues, “once he gets his soul back, he will leave me forever.”
“That is why I have come up with a plan to make him stay around, at least for the rest of the cruise. You tell him that I am in serious negotiations with Satan to buy his soul back, and he has to act like your loving fiancée, to appease Buffy.”
Agent M has not even had coffee yet, and already this day is turning into a complete disaster. She orders room service for breakfast and coffee, and tires to compose herself before she calls Archie.
When she does call him, he appears with all smiles, and he seems once again to be ecstatically happy.
He is probably really happy to be getting away from Satan, she thinks to herself.
“Good Morning, Sweet Heart,” he approaches her as if to give her a kiss.
“Back off, Archie, I need to seriously talk to you.”
“Don’t you love me anymore?” he sounds hurt.
“Please stop joking around for just a few minutes, Archie. It is so hard for me to concentrate when you are always making jokes.”
“Ok,” he replies meekly, “What’s Up?”
“Buffy is very jealous,” she begins, “and you have to stop acting like a demon and start acting like my boyfriend for the rest of this cruise.”
“And that means,” she continues, “No disappearing and reappearing in public, no laughing at the mortals on this vessel, and no amusing practical jokes. If you don’t start behaving like a mortal, no matter how bored you get, we are not going to be able to pull off this deception.”
“Ok,” says, Archie, “but I know that Lou is on this ship, and if I see him I am going to disappear.”
“You can’t do that Archie. Everyone will notice.”
“But, I don’t like Lou,” says Archie “He unnerves me. Besides, how will I know if he is carrying a dagger on his person?”
“I will call Dr. Evil right now, and ask him to specifically to tell Lou, not to kill you. Will that make you happy?”
She calls Dr. Evil and says, “I am here with Archie, and he agrees to go along with the plan, as long as Lou does not try to kill him.”
“Lou has no interest in killing Archie,” says Dr. Evil with indignation. “He just spent the night with Miss Crabtree.”
“Well, Archie insists that you instruct Lou not to kill him, at any time on this cruise.”
“Lou never wanted to kill Archie,” snaps Dr. Evil angrily, “I was the one that I told him to do it. I will tell him that killing Archie has been stricken from the agenda.”
After she hangs up the phone, her face has gone pale.
“What did he say?” asks Archie.
“He admits that Lou was trying to kill you, but that he won’t do it anymore, because he is going to tell Lou, not to kill you.”
“I knew it,” says Archie
Dr. Evil calls Lou.
“Lou, did you bring the dagger on this cruise?”
“Yes, Dr. Evil, just like you told me to.” replies Lou.
“Well, there has been a change of plans. You are no longer going to try and kill Archie, the first chance you get.”
“Because Archie is going to marry Agent M.”
“The demon has to stay alive, Lou, because he is going to marry Agent M, so Buffy won’t be jealous.”
“How did this happen? It’s going to take me a while to adjust to the new plan.”
“Just remember, Lou, the demon is extremely paranoid. Do not attempt to make eye contact with him. If you see him just ignore him completely, and try to walk away as quickly as possible.”
“That is going to look really weird,” complains Lou.
“If Archie panics, and jumps out of the body, that he inhabits, it will appear that he is dead to everyone. If Buffy thinks he’s dead, she will flip out, again.”
“Ok,” says, Lou, “but I think it’s really stupid to be changing plans all the time.”
Archie stands in the middle of the cabin, and Agent M sits on the bed. His eyes begin to take on a strange glow, and he looks less human and more like a demon.
“I know you must love me, even if you won’t admit it. You came on this cruise with Dr. Evil just to save me.” proclaims Archie.
“No, Archie, I came on the cruise to have a good time, and I have hardly been able to do that. I have not even had a chance to look around the ship yet. They leave the cabin together, but Archie decides he needs to pop back to Hell once again to check on Satan’s Mood.
Macy calls her Boss David Belfry, and he reminds her in a very business like tone, that tomorrow is the Fruit Hat Woman Concert. This is a free annual event hosted by the Organization to create goodwill the public.
“Oh, my God, the concert. I forgot all about that. I can’t go. I’m on the QE2.”
“What are you doing on a cruise, Agent M. Have you forgotten all about your job?
“Take Chess Master,” says Macy. “He’s free. He never does anything.”
If Buffy was to believe that her husband, Dr. Evil, was having an affair, she would not confront him. This is a speculative story on what she might do.
Macy’s Phone had a voice calling feature, that could be triggered by random conversations. She was in her car and she heard the phone say, “Calling Dr. Evil.” She tired to get to the phone, and hang it up, but she was too late. The call had gone through.
Later Buffy checks her caller ID on her landline, and finds a hang up call from Agent M’s phone. This can only mean one thing. Dr. Evil is having an affair with Agent M. In spite of the fact, Buffy is herself, having an affair with Javier, this is completely intolerable.
At that moment all sanity leaves Buffy, it her rage. Rather then confront them, she derives a hideous revenge plot. In the cellar of Castle Evil, where the rare foods are stored, is a tank of delicious, delectable, eels. Not the large ocean going Moray Eels which are not good to eat but, the smaller fresh water eels.
She will begin the process of feeding a toxic substance to some of the eels, which will build up in their bodies, rendering them fatal to all who ingest them. Then when Agent M comes to dinner with Fearless Leader, she will feed Agent M and Dr. Evil the poisonous eels, while making she Fearless Leader and herself, only eat the non poisonous ones. As she watches them die in agony, she will gleefully announce that she knows all about their affair, and this is the pay back.
This plans makes her so happy that she laughs and laughs maniacally, and she has completely blocked out the emotional pain, of discovering the “alleged” affair.
This explains the need for Dr. Evil to take extreme precautions about not having Buffy with her history of mental illness, think he is having an affair, even if he is having an affair.
David Woodleaf: What do you mean you let them all go? You just opened the gates of Castle Fluffy Clouds, and you let all the people out, and now they are gone, and I have no friends?
David Bellfree: Yes, they wanted to go, so I let them all go, and if any remained I kicked them out, because I decided all friends are useless. Friendship is fake. Money is what matters to me. I want a good paying job with benefits. What do you say?
David Woodleaf: In a rage, screaming, “Get out! Get out, of my Castle.”
After the Alien departs in his Uber, perhaps headed back his home world planet, Woodleaf calls Macy.
“He let them all go,” Woodleaf screams into the phone. Screaming on the phone was something Woodleaf did a lot of.
“All of the people I had in my collection due to the success of the Billy Joel Piano Man Concert were released, and now Castle Fluffy Clouds is empty again!”
“Ok,” says Macy, “I’m not deaf, at least not yet. What do think we should do about it?”
“I don’t know,” screams Woodleaf, “I am just so upset right now I can’t even think of what we should do.”
Let us look back at the history of David Belfry and Macy. When Macy was a Secret Agent working for the Organization David was her Boss. But, he was only her Boss for a short time, after a few months he locked himself in his home, and refused to leave it. He refused to attend meetings, and so he was let go by the Organization.
September 25, 2004
Agent M has a Boss, named David Belfry, and he is an alien from another planet.
Agent M was at headquarters, in the middle of a meeting, when a young man of low rank dropped some silverware on the marble floor. It made an alarming racket. Her boss was startled from his train of thought, “Stupid, clumsy fool,” David yelled at the bewildered youth, who was named Andrew.
Agent M watched as he yelled at Andy, and then covered her face with her hands to hoping to hide what she was feeling. Pretend all is normal, she told herself.
It was always an Agent’s duty to first and foremost hide what he or she might be feeling.
This occurrence had thrown her for a loop, she had been feeling weak, as of late, and things seems to be entering a downhill spiral. Holding her hands in front of her face was the worse thing she could have done, betraying the fear that someone would hit her, and she had to protect her face and brace herself for the impact.
Luckily, her boss did not notice and no one else did either. All the attention was focused on the Andy, and by the time they all stopped looking at him, she had managed to compose herself and become impassive again.
The meeting continued with any further issues. But Agent M realized everyone at the table was reading each other’s minds. Everyone could read her mind, and she could read everyone else’s mind. She decided it was some kind of mind reading trick that the alien was playing on the humans with his mental powers.
A few days later Agent M was walking along the sidewalk, she noticed some child had written words in the wet cement with a stick, and she read them.
Then a large truck passed by with great noise and speed, and she read the words posted on the side of truck, and read the words, “Your Boss”
“Don’t Trust Your Boss.”
She understands the message, but she wonders why, so she thinks she will try to call the Organization, for an explanation. She pulls out, her cell phone, and this time, The Organization answers on the first ring.
“Agent M, we are so happy you called. Since Chess Master has proved to be such a disappointing Agent, we now realized how much we really need you, and want you back.”
“Ok,” agrees Agent M, “What is the meaning of your latest message?”
“Well,” begins the Organization, with some hesitation, “We are unsure of your boss’s loyalty, and we want you to look into the situation.”
“How can you doubt David? His record is impeccable.”
“Exactly so, Agent M, but have you ever noticed that his record and profile are just too perfect. Name his vices.”
Agent M, thinks about this for a minute. “He has no vices,” she answers.
“This, in itself, is suspect,” explains the Organization, everyone has vices, like gambling, drinking, or smoking, and he does not have any. Your vice, Agent M is men, but David has no vices, not even women, clearly something is wrong. He must be a double agent..”
“I do find it odd,” agrees Agent M, “But, I have no idea how to test him.”
“You will think of something, Agent M. You always do, and by the way, Agent M, don’t screw up!” The Organization then hangs up, leaving Agent M, worried and upset.
Agent M decides to consult Chess Master.
She meets Chess Master in the park, as this is a nice day. Chess Master thinks they should consult his Chess Set. They go back to Chess Master’s house the place is a terrible mess. There are empty boxes everywhere, and stacks of empty pizza boxes. Unwashed clothes are all over place.
Chess Master notices her disapproving look, and he says, “I have more important things to think about then house cleaning.”
He opens up the chess set on to the table. Agent M looks at it. It looks like a normal chess set. The wooden pieces are dark brown.
“Go ahead, talk to it,” Chess Master urges her.
“Is my Boss a double agent?” she asks.
The chess set remains silent.
“Don’t ask like that,” Chess Master says, “It is not a Ouija Board, you have to talk to them sincerely, and give them more information to go on.”
So Agent M, who loves to talk, begins to tell the chess set her entire tale of woe.
Even after she talks to it for 45 minutes, the Chess Set remains silent. Chess Master says he is sorry. He thinks she should just go home and maybe later the Chess Set will say something.
After Macy leaves she does not want to go home, she wants to go shopping to take her mind off of her pain.
She get a coffee and sits down at the food court tables. Macy notices Buffy with many large shopping bags, and Buffy is coming right towards her table.
There is no time to hid, so she forces a smile, and says, “Hello, Buffy. How are you?”
Buffy sits down without being invited, and there is a menacing look on her face.
“I would be a lot better, Agent M, if you weren’t around. Look at all these bags. I have bought tons of new clothes to please my husband, Dr. Evil, and also had my hair done, my nails done, a facial, health club, and used a tanning bed. But, he is still thinking about you, Agent M, and I am warning you, if I ever catch the two of you together.”
The threat is not said, but clearly implied. Agent M attempts to reason with her.
“What makes you think, I am interested in your husband, Buffy?”
“I can tell,” says Buffy bitterly, “By the look in his eyes, the tone in his voice, and the spring in his step, that he is thinking of you,” replies Buffy. “I think he is going to try and meet you at Cell Space. I heard him talking to Lou, and making plans. And, I want you to know, the only one who is going to be dancing at Cell Space with my husband is me, and not you.”
I am so much more beautiful than you, Agent M,” she adds, contemptuously, “I have no idea, what he sees in you.”
Agent M promises Buffy she will never go to Cell Space, and after Buffy leaves, she begins to think about what Buffy said, and what it all really means.
Archie is a minor demon servant to Satan, who has moved in with Agent M. He realizes that Macy is living a romantic day dream about a dashing hero, who happened to be himself. But, he knew that was completely absurd. Archie only acted on self interest, and he is not particularly good looking or intelligent. Pointing this out to Agent M would merely ruin her good opinion of him. In one of the outer levels of Hell, written pages of a notebook begin to rain down on him. Archie picks up all the pages. Satan had no interest in these pages, and Archie was able over many hours, to collect them all, and sort them out. He bound them together in a book binding and created a large hard covered book, and had the name printed on the cover. The book is called Fun Games by Dr. Evil.
That night Macy has a nightmare, after what Buffy said to her about Cell Space.
She dreams that somehow Dr. Evil and Lou have locked her in the cell, and Dr. Evil is explaining that if she summons Archie, they will let her go. She tells them no, because she knows they are going to kill him. Dr. Evil acts so professionally, that she can almost believe him when he tells her, that they just want to talk to Archie. However, Lou has a look of anticipation in his eyes, and a certain tension in his body that indicates he is waiting to kill Archie, and that he has been wanting to do this for a long time. When she declares for the second and then the third time, that she will never summon Archie, Dr. Evil appears to lose patience with her, and he tells her, that she will have to stay in this cell forever.
“Yeah, forever,” repeats Lou. And the both leave her alone.
Which is why when the next day, she notices Lou coming toward her, at the Stonestown Galleria Food Court, she runs and hides in Banana Republic.
Dr. Evil had grown parnoina and he had asked Lou to keep an eye on Macy.
When Lou get back to the Castle, he tells Dr. Evil, she hid from me. She knows that I am spying on her. Dr. Evil frowns. “We have to give up”, he says to Lou.
Macy will report that we I am having her stalked. It will make everything worse and besides. I promised Buffy, I would take her on the QE2, and she wants to show off all the new clothes, that she bought at the Stonestown Galleria.”
“Can I come on the cruise?” asks Lou.
“Why sure Lou, if you want to.” replies Dr. Evil.
There is a momentary silence as Dr. Evil imagines all the things Lou can say to embarrass him in public if he decides to open his mouth.
To overcome this awkward moment, he adds, “I would never think of going on the QE2 without my very best friend in the whole world.”
My three favorite writers are P.G. Wodehouse, David Foster Wallace, and William Burroughs. All of them have had a big influence on my writing. My goal to write a post modern novel. I have been working on this novel since 2004.
When I get an idea for it, I sometimes put my stories online. I like the freedom granted by the post modern style. Instead of writing a story with a beginning, middle and an end, I like to write anything that occurs to me. I could write part of the story from the view point of a character or from a narrator. The timeline can move from beginning to end, but I could also think of ideas that occur in the middle of the story and fit them in. There are no rules.
Right now, my story has no beginning. The first thing I wrote in the story was based on a dream, and I later felt that this dream was not the correct beginning. Some of the passages are based on Dreams or Real life or Ideas. I felt constrained trying to write parts that would some how tie all of the pieces together and end the novel, so I decided to continue the novel and rewrite the novel. Maybe someday I will pull the whole story together, but maybe not.
David Foster Wallace writes parts and never ends any of his stories, but they are so compelling that we are all moved by his stories. P.G. Wodehouse has a biting sense of humor which bring into my stories. Much of my story is supposed to be amusing. The self centered characters created by Wodehouse create a mood of black humor. If we do not laugh at the pain of life, we would cry.
Burroughs has inspired me more with his life then his writing. I felt Junkie and Queer were his best novels. The first time I read Naked Lunch I did not like it, but as I moved more into Burroughs and learned about his life, from reading the large biography Call Me Burroughs: A Life I could see what he was getting at. I also enjoyed reading Burroughs’s letters which are mostly addressed to Allen Ginsberg. Allen Ginsberg was a very interesting man, as well. I liked the way Ginsberg and Burroughs faced struggles in their lives with their boyfriends and with writing, habits and working. All of the Beats before the Hippies got in touch with their real selves. I am not a fan of most of the Burroughs routines or with the cuts ups. I don’t feel that placing words at random will result in one’s best writing. I don’t believe in passing any judgement on art, however. The artist/writer simply writes about what they are feeling. As long as the art is based on feelings, it can not be judged. We all live in a world of limited time, so if we don’t like some writers we don’t read them. The creative process can involve taking from the world of writers then selecting a few of them, the creating one’s own stories. Of course, we also try to be original, and I am sure that my stories are original. Good writing is based on the real life experiences of the writer. When my friend Tony described his paintings as being foggy near sighted reflections on what ones sees in a near sited look, those words stuck with me. I have a drawing of Tony’s created for my story of Woodleaf.
It was very moving to me the first time I found I could like something of Burroughs. I felt as if I had made a break through into real art and culture. I listened to the audio of the unedited text of Naked Lunch and it moved by it. In the past, I had only read an old paper back of an edited version of Naked Lunch which I got from the library as a child in the 70s and I found it make no sense and be a terrible unreadable book. It turns out everything had been edited out of the book. I went to a book club meeting for Naked Lunch and most of the people found they did not like the book due to the violence and the child pornography. I find I don’t like to read those passages, but there are a few passages that are enjoyable. Lee’s run in with two policemen who are villains arresting him for doing heroin, stands out as the best part of Naked Lunch. Much of Burroughs material is very off putting, but I found that if one sticks with Burroughs and looks to his earlier material, he is a brilliant, genius, writer. Critics who claimed he never worked are wrong. He did work from time to time. He was trying to make money in different ways. He bought a farm in Texas. He worked as an exterminator, as in the movie Naked Lunch. His parents gave him small sums of money, but not enough to live well. In the Burroughs letters he was constantly worried about money. He wanted his son to come live with him and to be a good father. But his son never forgave him for shooting his mother, Joan. Joan was addicted to speed and it may have effect Burroughs son in the womb. She was falling apart due to drugs and had breakdowns in which she heard voices, and had delusions. Burroughs had a number of boyfriends. I have posted about some of them. Burroughs will never appeal to main stream audiences the way Stephen King does, but for the select few, Burroughs is the most important writer of the mid 20th century.
Woodleaf: “I have a wonderful idea. We get Charles Manson to perform for the 50th anniversary of the Summer Of Love.”
Macy: “As your media rep, I have to advise you that this is a bad idea.”
Woodleaf: “Imagine the Cognitive Dissonance that will affect the concert goers! On one hand you have the positive “Summer of Love” and on the other hand you have Charles Manson. Their brains will simply explode!”
Woodleaf: in a dramatic aside:
This is the real meaning of my Art. For example, they hated Nueva Germania, but they had to love it because it was racially integrated, and they have to love everything that is racially integrated. The love the idea of the Dreamachine providing a free high without drugs, but it does not work. I touted Calea zacatechichi, a herb that is said to cause lurid dreams, and it does not work either. So everything about me looks like its leading to something good, but then it goes bad. The people feel upset, and this is my art. If people don’t get my art, that is not my fault. I can’t tell them everything. If people are not upset then my art has failed.
Woodleaf: Addressing Macy, Cracky, and Ann.
This is my plan to get Manson out of prison for the concert. I will put on my Andy Warhol Wig, and become John Money for Nothing. When I disguise myself as John Money for Nothing, I can do anything Manson related and no one will be able to trace it back to me.
First, I have to get in to see Manson. I do this by writing to Manson, and then getting put on Manson’s visitors list. Then I get him to agree to the concert, and tell him to practice his guitar and his songs such as Look Your Game, Girl. A tunnel will be dug under his cell. The tunnel pops Manson right out at the Festival of Love 50 Years center stage. Hopefully, he can do a few songs before he gets rearrested. Of course, I can’t dig the tunnel. I need to hire some Mexicans to work for me.
Macy: Yes, I remember the story you wrote called “Rent A Worker.”
Woodleaf: That was a chapter in my masterpiece story. I guess it could be made into a separate story.
Macy: “The Sheik of Araby was used in your story. I love the song, and can you believe the You Tube Video?”
Woodleaf: Don’t forgot, I did not official write that story.
Suddenly a phone rings, interrupting the conversation.
Electric cell phone voice announces
Call Coming in from Dr. Evil
Dr. Evil to Woodleaf on the phone: “Woodleaf, you abandoned me just when I needed you most. I need a vat of body dissolving acid.”
Woodleaf: “No, I can’t be bothered with that. I am on to bigger and more interesting projects, than merely getting rid of another body.”
Dr. Evil: (hysterically) “But, she was one of your fake wives! Does the name Veronica Dare ring a bell with you?”
Woodleaf: “Ah, yes, she was Asian and she wanted to be white, that is why I adopted the poor thing, but her anti intellectualism and her strange desire to disturb my world with loud metal music was more than I could stand.”
Dr. Evil: “So, what are you going to do about it?”
Woodleaf: “Nothing, she’s not my concern. Go find your own acid on the black market somewhere.”
After a few days of consideration, Woodleaf remarks “Cracky, call Dr. Evil back, I want to make a deal, but it will cost him a lot of money.”
Woodleaf: “Ann, call Dr. Evil. Cracky is pretending that he can’t talk again.”
Woodleaf to Cracky: “I know perfectly well you can talk. Shall I make you an imaginary wife? The name I am thinking of is Frau Dunkelwelt. Frau Dunkelwelt is an older middle-aged sort of woman who wears heavy shoes orthopedic shoes. If you want a young pretty wife, you better start talking, Cracky.”
Frau Dunkelwelt: (in an English Accent) “I’m putting on the kettle for a cupa.”
The old woman begins to clump around in her heavy shoes, each foot step, noisy and shaking the floor boards.
Cracky: “Earthquake!” The parrot lifts his wings to hide his head as if from an object that may fall on him.
Woodleaf: “Go away Frau Dunkelwelt. I change you into Fräulein Fensterlicht. She is all youthful sweetness, and the light that comes when one opens a window and new ideas come in.
Woodleaf: “Ann, we have an English woman, who must be a Nanny, and she won’t go away.”
Woodleaf thinks he could send the Nanny over to The Castle with the vat of acid and a note that will state that the use of the acid will be allowed only if Dr. Evil agrees to employee the Nanny, so she will never return again to San Diego. (Eventually, Woodleaf ships her off to Castle Fluffy Clouds were she becomes the much needed Nanny for all of the unattractive, boisterous children.)
Cracky takes a dramatic aside:
Of course, my wife Fräulein Fensterlicht is not real. I made her up to get people off my back. I was feeling a lot of pressure from pushy people. I wanted to be fly and travel the world without any rumors bringing me down.
Woodleaf: The large shoes on her Facebook profile make people think of her as a cartoon character.
Cracky: That can’t be helped. Her face has aged and she gained weight. She won’t allow me to use any photos or video of her on social media.
Woodleaf: I understand. I should have taken advantage of the chance to have good quality photos and videos made of myself before I aged, when Macy suggested it.
The Big Headed Woman had a large family. How many dolls did they have growing up? What kind of dolls were they? Likely they were Easy to Dress Clone Dolls for younger girls. In the infamous story “My Story”, these questions are asked.
“My Story” was uploaded as a PDF to the Planet Juniper Website. “My Story” was supposed to have been the story of the Big Headed Woman’s childhood in Nueva Germania in which she would admit she knew Mengele to prove he lived there so Woodleaf would create more outrage when he brought forth his big reveal as part of the long con. It more or less happened like that, in the Article published in the Chronicle, expect it was Elisabeth Förster-Nietzsche house, not Mengele’s.
Woodleaf made up the whole thing himself. He found it difficult to write as he thought a stupid person would write, especially, when he was so stoned. This explains all the typos and misspellings. Woodleaf did not want anything to break his flow of creative thought when he was writing.
“My Story” was to be a teaser to a book the Big Headed Woman was writing. Woodleaf told his parrot everything. He told Cracky, in the book they wrote together, in the form of emails that Mengele was a degenerate drunk came into town screaming for whiskey.
Woodleaf had a hard time thinking what Mengele would say and do in Nueva Germania. It might’ve helped if would had taken the time to actually go to Nueva Germania, but they were a few issues that were working against such a vacation. The cost of the cheapest airfare to Asunción was $2000 dollars. Then there was the difficulty of arranging the overland transport to Nueva Germania some 227 miles away fromAsunción. Woodleaf could not stand South American countries. He hated hot weather, and was afraid of being robbed. And on top of that, Woodleaf was worried that he might not be welcomed there.
The Girl Reporter was on the case. She was not buying Woodleaf’s story that no one was missing because these people were all fake. After all the Big Headed Woman and her family certainly existed, but why did the similar family pictured below disappear?
Girl Reporter: Tell me Woodleaf, how did this all start?
Woodleaf: It all began when no one would leave positive comments on my many sites like Planet Juniper and Nueva Germania. When I banned all the people who left negative comments, there were no comments left so I began to write my own fake comments. By and by, Google, Facebook and Instagram wanted everyone to have an online profile in order to comment, so I got to work creating fake people.
Veronica Dare, was the woman, who ended up dead in a hot tub. Dr. Evil called me up. He was very upset. He kept murmuring “Fatty Arbuckle,” and “No Way.”
“Woodleaf,” he said to me, “Get down here to The Castle with your strongest body dissolving acid.”
“I don’t know what you are talking about,” I said, coyly.
GR: But, what about the disappeared family?
WL: They never existed in the first place. Photoshopped. No crime was ever committed, we can all go home and eat cheese.
To be clear: Dr. Evil does not live at Castle Fluffy Clouds, he lives in a house in San Francisco called, The Castle. Castle Fluffy Clouds is in Switzerland, and it is a ruined Castle.
After watching the TV show American Dad, Woodleaf notices the Fish is named Klaus Heissler. This reminds him of Klaus Kinski who starred in a movie called Fitzcarraldo directed by Werner Herzog. The lead character, named Fitzcarraldo, wants to build an Opera House in South America because he loves Enrico Caruso. Woodleaf explains the reasoning behind his wanting to build an Opera House devoted to Richard Wagner in Nueva Germania. We the audience are left wanting to know more, as the curtain falls.
Updated: The curtain rises again. A comment was left on a Youtube Video created by Vice Media entitled The Last Aryans of Paraguay. Woodleaf left a comment on the video on a fake identity, but Vice deleted all the video comments and then banned all future comments. The comment was saved to an online archive to prevent it from being lost forever from the online universe.
There was a small colony of Nazi fugitives in a mountainous part of the Atlantic rainforest called Itatiaia. It seems they were tipped off that someone was on their trail and they suddenly fled.
Blue Lake, Atlantic rainforest, Itatiaia National Park, Rio de Janeiro state, Brazil
photo was shown at this point
It’s a beautiful spot and the houses are comfortable and well made. Even the still-vacant ones are in great shape. A Brazilian friend of mine bought one as a vacation home. It’s on the side of a mountain and has terrific views over the jungle. Otoh, the views from the big house uphill, across the lane, must be amazing. A huge bronze shield-shaped sign on one of the granite gate-posts announces the house’s name: Walhalla. It was Josef Mengele’s mansion and, obviously he felt no need to conceal his presence.
I should point out that I knew none of this before arriving there. My friends wanted to make sure that I’d fallen in love with the location before they revealed its darker side.
Around the house are tall pine trees, brought from Europe. Other species like impatiens and hydrangea had escaped from its garden into the surrounding jungle, lending and air of bizarre familiarity to the tropical scene.
One day we hiked to a huge waterfall, walking through abandoned gardens where Nazis used to grow vegetables, past empty two-story houses. Then, in the middle of the jungle, we came upon hard-clay tennis courts with high, rusting fences, tenuous shreds of their nets remaining. Further along there were soccer fields, an Olympic-size swimming pool (not entirely drained of water) and, finally, a bright pink six-story hotel. Little by little, it was all being overgrown, eaten away and eroded by the implacable forest. Curiously, a fountain and an outdoor shower near the pool were still running. I assume they were spring-fed.
Anyway, it’s for sale. The owners want $4,000,000 for it but I hear they’d be open to offers. They’re two German brothers…
From the Woodleaf Wikia:
The Schweikhart Brothers were fictional characters. They were reported to be retarded, and shunned by the people of Nueva Germania. They lived high up in the mountains, and one would have to hike to get there. They were reported to be cannibals, but the reason was not given for this line of thought into the character development. (See Woodleaf’s video in which he holds the Big Headed Woman Hostage, and makes her talk about eating a leg.) Woodleaf would not stop rolling the footage until she agreed to say the word “leg” which was hesitate to do with her limited English.
Girl Reporter: Octopuses are very intelligent and its cruel to eat them. I heard a story of an Octopus that would climb out of his tank every night while the scientists were sleeping, and eat fish from other tanks. Then he would climb back into this tank and replace the lid. He would pretend that he never had left the tank, and he fooled them for a long time.
Woodleaf claimed he visited The Schweikhart Brothers. Actors were hired to pose as these fictional brothers for a photo opt, which Woodleaf posted on his website Planet Juniper. This photo was uploaded to Wikipedia, but later was removed as it did not have proper credentials. Woodleaf liked the movie called Employee of the Month in 2006, so he posted the photo of him with his arms around the with the Schweikhart Brothers Actors, and added the caption “Employee of the Month” .
Check in history files of Nueva Germania Wikipedia Article to find the deleted information. A spirited debates exists the history of the article on whether or not Josef Mengele lived in Nueva Germania. Did he just visit there briefly? Did he not go there at all? One can speculate, but where is the proof? He was traveling under a different name. There are many reported sighting of him, like Elvis or Bigfoot.
Note: Buildings in the Brazilian Rainforest decay at an accelerated rate due to the humidity.
Woodleaf found some photos in the Daily Mail Online of Beatles’ producer George Martin’s AIR recording studio which is decaying away on the Island of Montserrat. The destroyed building and swimming pool will represent Josef Mengele’s mansion. Woodleaf remarks to no one in particular, because no one is there to hear him.
Woodleaf in a dramatic aside: It’s not about actually creating anything creative, but rather it is about fooling people into to thinking you have created something creative, while you do as little work as possible, and relax at home with some Entertaining Programming.