King Woodleaf

King Woodleaf was not a Good Man
King Woodleaf was not a good man –
He had his little ways.
And sometimes no one spoke to him
For days and days and days.

And men who came across him,
When walking in the town,
Gave him a supercilious stare,
Or passed with noses in the air –
And bad King Woodleaf stood dumbly there,
(he was grave, he was mute, he was mentally retarded)
Blushing beneath his crown.

King Woodleaf was not a good man,
And no good friends had he.
He stayed in every afternoon,
But no one came to tea.

And, round about December,
The cards upon his shelf
Which wished him lots of Christmas cheer,
And fortune in the coming year,
Were never from his near and dear,
But only from himself.
(Martin Lichtmesz denied sending him a birthday card)

King Woodleaf was not a good man,
Yet had his hopes and fears.
They’d given him no present now
(no recognition)
For years and years and years.
(no thumbs ups or likes)

But every year at Christmas,
While minstrels stood about,
Collecting tribute from the young
For all the songs they might have sung,
He stole away upstairs and hung
A hopeful stocking out.
(hung a hopeful website up)

King Woodleaf was not a good man,
He lived his life aloof;
Alone he thought a message out
While climbing up the roof.
He wrote it down and propped it
Against the chimney stack:

And signed it not “King Woodleaf.”
But very humbly, “David.”
I think a book of Pynchon,
Would come in handy;
I don’t mind Paraguayans,
I do like nuts!
And I SHOULD like a pocket-knife
One that really cuts.
And, oh! Father Christmas, if you love me at all,
Bring me a big, red india-rubber ball!”

King Woodleaf was not a good man –
He wrote this message out,
And gat him to his room again,
Descending by the spout.
And all that night he lay there,
A prey to hopes and fears.
“I think that’s him a-coming now,
(Anxiety bedewed his brow.)
“He’ll bring one present, anyhow –
The first I’ve had for years.
(they’ll leave one comment anyhow, the first I’ve had in years!)

“Forget about the nitrous,
And forget about the candy;
I’m sure a box of printer paper,
Would never come in handy;
I don’t like Tubas,
I don’t want nuts;
And I HAVE got a pocket-knife
One that almost cuts.
But, oh! Father Christmas, if you love me at all,
Bring me a big, red india-rubber ball!”

King Woodleaf was not a good man –
Next morning when the sun
Rose up to tell a waiting world
That Christmas had begun,
And people seized their stockings,
And opened them with glee,
And crackers, toys and games appeared,
And lips with sticky sweets were smeared,
King Woodleaf said grimly:
“As I feared, Nothing again for me!”
(no comments again for me)

“I did want publicity,
And I did want nose candy;
I know a box of cringles,
Would come in handy;
I do love Italians,
I did want nuts.
I haven’t got a pocket-knife –
Not one that shapely cuts.
And, oh! if Father Christmas had loved me at all,
He would have brought a big, red india-rubber ball!”

King Woodleaf stood by the window,
And frowned to see below
The happy bands of boys and girls
( of successful You Tubers playing on the screen )
All playing in the snow.(Dark Winter of Biden)
A while he stood there watching,
And envying them all…
When through the window big and red
There hurtled by his royal head,
And bounced and fell upon the bed,
An india-rubber ball!


Greatly moved Woodleaf picked up the red rubber ball, but it turned out to be a fake nose from the red nose fund raising campaign, and put it in his pocket. He then stepped into his boat made of folded newspaper and sailed to an enchanted island. Once there he found a dragon guarding a pile of gold. “Give me some of that gold,” he yelled at the dragon. “Get a job,” retorted the dragon and smote him with its long heavy tail. The shock of this slap caused him to wake up from his dream.

When Woodleaf woke up his fake wife was beside him in bed. She was out made entirely of silicon. His fake wife had tiny eyes and a fat face, so he photoshopped larger eyes on her and slimed down her face on her fake Facebook profile. The fake profile was only to post her up as archetypal woman. This archetypal woman inspired by Ricard Wagner a man so boring that only Woodleaf and one other Twitter user was interested in discussing him. The way she looks does not matter thought Woodleaf, what makes her wonderful is her lack of intelligence and her lack of English Language skills. She had neglected to research him on Wikipedia before she married him.

He began his day considering his two fake children, one girl and one boy who would be archetypal symbols of the upcoming revolution that would make him Supreme Ruler of the Universe. It would happen any day now. His optimism was unstoppable. “We will home school the children,” he remarked to his fake wife, “so they won’t get any wrong ideas.” But she did not answer him because she was made of silicon. He picked her up and placed her in a chair at the coffee bar, and went to make his morning coffee. Morning was when David got all of best ideas. He spent the morning writing kingly proclamations for what he would implement after he came into power. After an hour or so, he heard of the sounds of his roommate John Money for Nothing beginning to wake up. Woodleaf lived near Barstow with John Money for Nothing who was 72 years old and lived on his pension. What fun project would they embark on today? thought Woodleaf. But John was in a grumpy mood. He announced it was house cleaning day. “House Cleaning Day?” exclaimed Woodleaf, “There is no fun in that. Once I become Supreme Ruler I will hired some maids to take care of the cleaning. Today is a day for amusing frivolity.”

Wednesday, January 20, 2021

In a dramatic aside John wonders why Woodleaf acts this way. He recalls in way the audience can hear him speaking, but Woodleaf can’t, that Woodleaf’s father was an publicist which was an earlier form of a media rep. The entire performance piece seems to be a way to annoy Woodleaf’s father although he died long ago.

Father’s are so important. When something goes wrong with the dynamic between father and son this can be the result. Woodleaf must still be trying to annoy his father in Heaven by promising things that he can’t or won’t complete and never seeing an idea to completion. By finding stand ins for his father, Woodleaf is able to continue his unproductive and deleterious behavior. But John tells the audience he is not going to stand for it anymore. Woodleaf needs to be evicted.

“I want you out of here, David,” John demanded surprised at his aggressive tone in his voice, “and take that blow up doll with you.”

“She is not a blow up doll,” replied David sounding hurt. He glanced over at his fake wife positioned on the chair-like stood at the coffee bar. “She’s made of the highest quality silicone.”

John realizes that he does not want Woodleaf to leave because he has stayed there for so many years, so he changes his mind and say just forget about it. Where would he go? He would have to change his name to go anywhere as the online reputation will follow him everywhere.

Woodleaf spends the rest of day on the computer designing a 3D image of a crown that he will wear in the future. Being a King is too modest a goal. He wants to be an Emperor.

Woodleaf’s Crown

Note: The Emperor’s Rhyme by A.A. Milne should be read at this point. Things will all work out.

Notes by the author: I am crediting Miles Mathis for coming up with the name “John Money for Nothing.” Although he removed it from his website. I saved it, but since it was only a pdf, I could not save it properly on Archive Today or else when he removed it, I was not using Archive Today. John Money for Nothing comes from the Dire Straits Song Money for Nothing.

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