The Interviewer is Afraid

The Interviewer was afraid to interview Woodleaf after reading about all the crazy things Woodleaf has done to the unfortunate Reporters who interviewed him in the past. Many had to take long rests in mental institutions. The assignment was to interview Woodleaf about tours he was offering online of various Charles Manson locations. Not wanted to meet with Woodleaf in person the Interviewer, whose name is hidden to protect his identity, suggested a phone call rather then an in person meeting.

Interviewer: Tell about the Manson Tours you are offering, and explain why anyone would want to go on such a Tour?

Woodleaf: People find Manson interesting and I have adopted many of his double think policies such as God and the Devil are the same person. They cancel each other out, so there is nothing, and I can do what ever I want to you. Do you get the point?

Interviewer: Yes sir, Doctor Woodleaf.

Woodleaf: Excellent! This is how I plan to conduct the tours. I am giving you the first scope so you can publish the article and it will attract more followers to my Social Medias.

First, I take the tourists to a tea house, and force them to listen to stories about my accomplishments for hours. This will cause them to be anxious (all of my deeds are dubious) to get on with the rest of the tour. I announce the first event on the tour will be a visit with John Money For Nothing.  I excuse myself to go to the restroom. I don an Andy Warhol Wig and then I begin to address them as John Money for Nothing. The look on their faces is worth 100 bucks, I mean 100 elegantly refined German Marks.

When they point out that I am really not John Money for Nothing, but just myself wearing a wig, I correct them. My portrayal is John Money For Nothing is a representation. He is extremely shy. But I consulted with him to create this tour, as he is a Manson expert.

The tourists may ask me what connection John Money for Nothing has to Manson. I will show them a of painting of retarded looking people with pencil necks, giant heads, and swastikas carved on their foreheads. These are the blank faces of Manson’s Followers painted by myself under the name Caesar Lindhersch. They will have to ooh and ah over the paintings because they are a Captive Audience. If they don’t, I won’t take them to the second location on the tour, Spahn Ranch.

Spahn Ranch burned down in 1970, so when they get there, they will see just a boring park. Then I will recite my biography to them. I was born in 1969, really 1964, but I like to push the years back to make myself younger. Burroughs first noticed my talents when I mailed him a copy of a book I wrote, that was self-published, called “I Hate The Four Fruits”.

Crying Baby
pamphlet written by David Woodleaf

The tour group will become more and more uncomfortable. Some of them won’t even want to stick around to the see the Final and Most Exciting stop of the tour, the home where Sharon Tate was killed 10050 Cielo Drive. I fulfill my obligation by taking them to the house, but the house was torn down and replaced with another house. Thereby the entire day is spend wasted, and that is the perfect expression of my Art. If any tourist are still left at the end of the tour, I will issue them digital invites to my secret patron’s club which I keep private from reporters like yourself who may perceive my Art in a negative light.

Interviewer: Thank you for the Interview Doctor Woodleaf. I certainly would never see any of this as unfavorably.

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