Buffy and Dr Evil

Dr. Evil arrived home earlier then expected from his European Business Trip. His wife Buffy picked him up and the airport, and helped him unpack.

“I put all your shoes on the shoe tree.”

“Yes, Darling Buffy.”

“I got you Kentucky Fried Chicken for Dinner.”

“Yes, Darling Buffy.”

“I have a plant outside with 56 flowers on it.”

“Yes, Darling Buffy.”

Buffy is such a sweet adorable child, thought Dr. Evil, but she has no idea of my existential despair.

“Oh, and Woodleaf stopped by.”

“Oh, really?” replied Dr. Evil, beginning to show some slight interest in what she was saying, “What did he have to say?”

“He has a new girlfriend. He broke up with Macy.”

“Oh, and how is Macy?” asks Dr. Evil, trying to sound causal.

“No one knows, apparently she’s missing.”

In truth Macy was being held hostage at the House of an old lady named Helen.

Buffy Goes Shopping

Buffy drives her cute little sports car to the Stonestown Galleria, and parks in the underground garage. Walking along she notices a horrible smell coming from a store called Bath and Body Works. The outside of the store features a photo of a blonde model, larger than life and nude, expect for flower petals covering certain areas of her body. She shivers in disgust and takes the elevator down to the Lobby Level. Exiting near See’s Candy she enters Nordstrom.

She notices the words “We Love Shoes” and she heads for the shoe department, but she is sidetracked by the makeup department which one must past first to reach the shoes.

Maybe she should also update her makeup? She looks at her face in the mirror on the counter to see if she is getting older.

Suddenly the mirror is talking back to her, and telling her, “You are losing your husband affection”.

She is shocked and stunned.

“I am not!” she declares.

“Well,” says the mirror, “Have you noticed his complete lack of interest in your conversation? You try so hard to say deep and meaningful things to him, and he is ignoring you. From time to time he replies, but he really wants you be quiet, because he is thinking of Macy Grant.”

“That is a lie!” replies Buffy. But, she knows he is thinking about something else, but what is it?

“What is he really thinking about?” she demands of the Mirror.

“Don’t you wish you knew?” the Mirror mocks her.

“But there is one hope for you Buffy,” says the Mirror. “If you find the right shade of lipstick, maybe he will notice you again?”

“May I help you, Miss?” the Saleslady is asking her, breaking the spell.

“I need lipstick,” says Buffy, with determination.

Feeling disillusioned and slightly morose, Dr. Evil, decides to head downtown to Virgin Mega Store. The large outlet, that sells, music, DVDs, and books, has a café up where Dr. Evil likes to sit and people watch, when he needs to get out of the house.

He would be feeling even worse, if he knew what the Mirror, at Nordstrom’s was telling Buffy, at this moment, but right now, he is blissfully unaware of the impeding disaster, which could result for Buffy losing her mind.

On his way up Mission heading to 5th on foot, he passes several posters for a small playhouse. The Endlessly Cabaret presents, “The Big Mistake”, he reads these words, but barely notices.

He goes into Virgin Mega Store and the music is playing loud. He likes loud music, so he doesn’t have to think.

Why should I care?” Danny Elfman sings.

When Dr. Evil returns home from his afternoon walk, his wife Buffy is not there. He calls her cell phone and there is no answer. Maybe one of my enemies, (like Bob Nelson) has kidnapped her, thinks Dr. Evil, and he begins to panic.

This is how it happens when someone disappears on television. At first the family assumes they are just late. Dr. Evil remembers watching a TV show in 2011 about a guy who broke his back falling from a cliff on Mushroom Beach on Hornby Island British Columbia located at Helliwell Park. No one looked for him, and it took him four days to crawl out.

Dr. Evil goes home that night to wait for Buffy, but she never comes home and does not call. Checking his email Facebook Friend has forwarded him a news story.
Kleenex in Outer space

When in outer space without gravity, you may find problems with Kleenex, it keeps floating up to the ceiling of the space ship, and won’t hold its shape.

“Now, that I have been captured by aliens”, says an unidentified woman,
I really wish I had my favorite tissue Puffs. The green aliens are growing a mold all over their bodies. I am highly allergic, I may perish before they finish their tests on me.”

Oh my God, thinks Dr. Evil Buffy loves Puffs and she has terrible allergies. Buffy has been abducted by aliens he concludes. Maybe it was something else? Dr Evil goes to the computer to research if there have been other disappearances around the mall. Hours go by without Dr. Evil looks up from his computer until Buffy walks in the door, and Dr. Evil is overwhelmed with emotion.

“Thank God, you are safe, I was so worried. I thought you had been abducted by aliens.” Dr. Evil runs over and kisses her.

“The mall has extended hours. I would have called but the battery in my cell died.” Buffy tells him.

The next day Dr. Evil wants to buy Buffy a special gift. One that will show her how much he loves her.

Flipping through the New York to view the comics, he sees an ad that says

“Promise her anything, but give her a chicken.”

http://quelobjet.com/ (note this website has changed into something else long ago, but that was the original slogan found in the New Yorker)

So, he goes to the website, but no chickens are offered, just expensive and pointless gifts. Spending a lot of money will not show Buffy how he feels. Although he is a very rich man Dr. Evil wants to give Buffy a chicken because this is a gift with heart. He creates on an ad on Craigslist reading:

Wanted one chicken for my Wife Buffy. Preferable one that talks!

As the days pass the ad gets no replies. Feeling restless and frustrated with the lack of progress towards find a chicken Dr. Evil takes matters into his own hands. Dr. Evil decides to take a drive to the country to look for a talking chicken. After well over an hour of driving he is feeling a bit tired from driving. Dr. Evil pulls off the 101 Freeway for a to visit a Starbucks just past Petaluma. He buys coffee and snacks whenever he visits a Starbucks. He is so addicted to coffee that without it he may make a careless driving mistake it the hectic North Bay Traffic on 101.

Dr. Evil notices homeless chickens living in the parking lot. What an amazing stroke of luck! He was looking for chickens and he had found them. This had to mean something important. This was meant to be, Dr Evil thinks. He imagines the good times he and his chicken will have in the backyard. Half of the chickens are sitting in trees and the other half are on the ground looking for food. He talks to the chickens. “Hello, nice chickens!” says Dr. Evil cheerfully, but only one of them talks back to him. The talking chicken is mostly white with some black and grey feather interspersed.

The Chicken that became Dr. Evil’s Pet

“If you take me back to San Francisco with you, I will be a valuable ally” the chicken promises him. Dr. Evil picks up the chicken, and places it in a basket and puts the basket in his car.

“It was terrible being homeless,” comments the chicken from the basket. “Where is my new home? What is it like?”

“I own a Castle in San Francisco,” says Dr. Evil. “I call it Castle Evil, but most people call it The Castle. It has an indoor hot tub.”

Note: The Castle is not the same as Castle Fluffy Clouds in Switzerland which is owned by David Woodleaf. Woodleaf purchased the crumbling castle for a mere $20 dollars a month mortgage, which even he could afford.

When Dr. Evil arrives home with the chicken for Buffy, there is a large party going on at the Castle. What has happened to his peaceful home life? Will the chicken find out he used to eat KFC? That is all in the past. There will be a new Dr. Evil.

He locates the maid, Miss Housekeeping. Don’t look in the hot tub, she warns him. But Dr. Evil can’t help himself. He looks in the hot tub, then he grabs the chicken’s basket and locks himself in one of the bathrooms to calm down. He opens the basket, so the chicken’s head just peaks out.

“What did you see in there?” asks the chicken.

“There is a body in the hot tub,” says Dr. Evil. “I have to call the police. But I don’t know what to do.”

“Maybe we should just take care of it ourselves suggests the Chicken?”

“No, that is the worst thing we can do. We have to call for help even though its too late for this woman.”

Much later on after the the paramedics and crime investigation unit have left, Dr Evil confronts Buffy with anger.

Dr. Evil: How could you, Buffy?

Buffy: I am really sorry. I will never do it again.

Dr. Evil: You invited these degenerate people into our lives, and now one of them has clearly over indulged in drugs and drowned in our hot tub.

Buffy: I am really sorry, I feel terrible. I was lonely. You are always away on business. I wanted friends. I wanted to feel popular and like I had friends.

Dr. Evil: Who was this woman?

Dr. Buffy: She was one of Woodleaf’s wives

Dr. Evil: I knew it. Woodleaf is the source of all types of troubles and criminal acts. But, Woodleaf is going to get us out of this. I am going to call him right now.

Dr. Evil on the phone to Woodleaf: Who was this woman?

Woodleaf: She was Veronica Dare, one of my ex wives. She was Asian, but she wanted to be white, so I took pity on her. But, her tendency to play metal music, from the group Iron Maiden, disturbed my peace and quiet, and made me throw her out of the apartment. She gained weight after the marriage and the sound of her eating corn chips was unbearable to my delicate sensibilities. I had not known what became of her.

Dr. Evil: “Woodleaf, you are going to get us out of this mess right now by confessing what you did and the lies you told.”

So, Woodleaf simply hangs up on Dr. Evil seeing no point in continuing this conversation.

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