A Million Cloned Brians

April 10, 2008

Archie has been searching for Noah’s Ark on Mount Arat in Turkey, but it turns out that what appears to have been the Arc is only a dark colored rock formation.

He realizes Satan will be disappointed, at best and furious at worst, so he delays calling him for as long as possible. When he finally gets around to making the call, Satan has forgotten all about the Arc, and is onto a new tangent.

“Forget the Arc, Archie. I just got a new brilliant idea! I read about millions of cloned brains existing in vats, in a hypothetical logic paper. The wonderful thing about being me is that I can actually do that. I am going to set up a huge warehouse to hold one million cloned brains of Dr. Evil, down here in Hell.”

Archie, can not believe what he is hearing now, but he knows he must hid his true feelings or risk Satan’s wrath, so he only replies meekly, “Why would you want to do that, Sir?”

“The plan is simple, Archie. I am going to force all of those cloned brains to think of ways in which I may defeat God, 24/7. The brains in vats, won’t need to eat, sleep, or maintain a human body. Dr. Evil is most the intelligent evil genius in the whole world and the winner of trivia contests. Imagine, what evil plans, a million of his cloned brains would be able to cook up.”

“Yes, Sir, that sounds like a good idea,” says Archie, without much enthusiasm.

Several months later a rather crestfallen Satan, had this story to tell.

“The cloning project was a failure, Archie. And I will tell you why. It was no problem to clone a million brains of Dr. Evil, and put them in jars in a huge warehouse. I then instructed the cloned brains to think of ways in which I could defeat God. After letting them think for a good long while, Archie, do you know what those brains had to report?”

“No, Sir, I have no idea.”

“Well, Archie, they had only come up with pages and pages of data entitled, How to Make Agent M Play a Fun Game.”

“What is this crap!, I screamed at the brains,” continued Satan, his rage beginning to become apparent. “If you brains don’t stop this at once, and begin to think of ways in which, I, Satan, may defeat, Him, God, then I will incinerate this warehouse in a giant fireball.”

“And as you know, Archie, I never bluff.”

“Yes, I am well aware of that, Sir” Archie answers respectfully.

“I gave those brains another fortnight to think of what I wanted them to think about, but they would only think of more of the same thing. Schemes and plots for forcing Agent M to play some kind of demented game, which I have no idea, how or why, the brains were doing that, or what the meaning of it all was.”

“It was terriblely disappointing, Archie, I had to burn up the warehouse and all the brains just like I said, I would.”

“I wonder why those brains were defective, Archie?” a note of dejection now creeping into his voice.

“I have no idea, Sir.” Replied Archie.

“It must have been some kind of sabotage by the forces of good,” concludes, Satan, sadly.

 “And now, I have to think of another plan to defeat God. I am in a terrible mood, Archie. Go away, now, and leave me to my thoughts.”

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