Satan Wins Big at Video Poker
“Professor Stephen Hawking has warned mankind will destroy the Earth, turning it into a blazing fireball, within the next 600 years. The renowned physicist believes soaring population sizes and increasing demands for energy will lead to the catastrophe. Humanity should begin looking to the stars to avoid this fate, he argues, with our nearest neighbour Alpha Centauri the best candidate for our escape.” Daily Mail Online (RIP Stephen Hawking March 14, 2018)
Satan’s Bad Dream
Wednesday, October 04, 2017
We open Satan’s Nightmare with Macy watching a disturbing report about the death of Leopard Sharks in the San Francisco Bay, due to a parasite. And this reminds her of the time in which Woodleaf was imprisoned inside a camera. Satan had been calling Woodleaf on his cell, but Woodleaf refused to answer the phone. Woodleaf may have placed a fake outgoing message on his cell phone saying the number was disconnected. Satan called Woodleaf several times, and then he got angry. Woodleaf was inside of the camera, and inside the camera Satan looked and he could see a photo of Woodleaf dressed in a white T-shirt superimposed in front of a nondescript building that was alleged to be the ruins of The Abbey of Thelema founded by Aleister Crowley.
“Hello!,” said that Satan into the camera, but he didn’t get any reply. There was no movement inside the camera. Satan ordered his servant Archie to throw the camera into the ocean. As the camera containing Woodleaf, who was then known as Fearless Leader, bumped along ocean floor, all of the starfish whom he passed by began to dissolve. They had developed the mysterious starfish dissolving disease. Any stars whom have contact with Woodleaf will find their careers dissolving.
Background: Tuesday May 13, 2014
For many years Dr. Evil and Archie had been in feud that consisted of elaborate pranks they played upon each other. In one of them Dr. Evil became stranded in the Arizona desert with no internet or cell service.
Dr. Evil has been in the process of setting a trap for Archie and getting rid of him, by having him sucked into an object or item from which he will never escape. Dr. Evil goes to his laboratory, to work on his master plan. He wants to put Archie in a decorative item such as an antique clock or a metronome and keep him on one of the mantelpieces at Castle Evil. Many years have passed and endless hours of experimentation have finally paid off for Dr. Evil. He has created the perfect vessel to contain Archie. There are many spells in his huge collection of old magic books, but most of them either don’t work or don’t work the way one would expect them to work. But, at last he has found the spell he wants. In other to pull off his plan, Dr. Evil needs to lure Archie somewhere. There is a home in foreclosure with a big mantelpiece, and the address of the house is 1159 Capital Street. Dr. Evil has no problem finding a real estate agent. Margo From Supreme Real Estate shows the house to prospective house buying couple Agent M and Archie. Dr. Evil will watch the entire process on surveillance camera from the wine cellar located in the basement. Once Archie has been sucked into the object, Dr. Evil plans to go upstairs and gloat, while Agent M cries hysterically.
Macy and Archie had seen one other house before this one. The house was located on Taraval Street. But, the place had been too small. It appeared to be a larger house that someone had broken into four smaller homes. This was the first house, they had seen that was reasonable, so they were both very excited about it. The price was a steal at a mere $100,000.
“This is a cute cottage,” says Margo. “It has only one bathroom, but another could be added. There is a full size formal living room and dining room.” Archie and Agent M enter the living room. Agent M is impressed by the large fire-place and the mantle painted flat white. While they admire the white fire-place, Margo places something that looks like an antique nick nach on ledge next to the candle sticks. The lid of the item begins to open up and an invisible force sucks Archie inside and the lid snaps shut.
Dr. Evil comes running out of the basement yelling, “I got him at last.” Dr. Evil begins to do a happy dance, right there in the living room. Margo and Macy are at first speechless. Then Macy begins to cry.
Agent M throws herself on Dr. Evil’s mercy. She believed that Dr. Evil was secretly in love with her. Macy thought this was the motivation that made Dr. Evil trap Archie inside the old nick nak clock thing. Dr. Evil tells Macy he doesn’t love her, he loves his wife Buffy. Macy can’t stand to be alone and single. In despair, Agent M wants to marry her boss at the Organization. Her boss David Belfry is higher up in the Organization than herself. He is in fact, an alien from another planet, who had to get a college degree in human studies so he could understand humans. In fact his understanding was so limited, he needed a PhD. When David believed Mr. Squirrel was going to shot him if he went out in public, he refused to leave his home. Then when he found himself evicted, due to lack of payment of the mortgage, due to a state of unemployment created by his perpetual absence from meetings at the Organization.
David, looking for a place to stay, pretended to be one of the concert guests at the Billy Joel Concert at Castle Fluffy Clouds. He stayed at Castle Fluffy for a number of weeks by not being noticed, but then one day he felt trapped.
“I feel like I am stuck with jury duty,” David declared. The boredom in the Castle was extreme. The air inside the Castle felt heavy and sad, as if the Castle was in mourning after the death of some beloved parent.
David wanted to move on past jury duty to a successful job with career benefits. So, he opened the door, at Castle Fluffy Clouds causing the drawbridge covering the moat to fall. All the Castle inmates rushed away quickly, elated at their freedom. They disbursed themselves all over Europe and other places.
David remained behind so he could apply for a job. He asked Woodleaf for a job with good benefits like health insurance, but Woodleaf only screamed, “Get Out of my Castle.” Feeling discouraged, David trundled his disabled spaceship back to his home planet.
Naturally he was not available to Marry Agent M, at that moment when Archie had been removed. Satan looks up and sees the situation and he swears he is not upset and he won’t miss Archie. Satan summons a new demon, called Jack, to take Archie’s place.
October 3, 2017
Macy picks up the clock off her mantel-piece. She dusts the clock and replaces it. Macy got possession of the old corroded clock when body dissolving acid was traded by Woodleaf to Dr. Evil. Woodleaf finally agreed to the trade as a small thank you to Macy for all of the help and hours she put in to promoting Woodleaf’s career. This allowed Dr. Evil to fully dissolve the body of Veronica Dare, and no one cared to look for her or think about her.
Macy keeps the clock on her mantle-piece since it is impossible to free Archie from the clock, and it would not be a good idea because an Archie is extremely self-centered and appears to have become senile early due to excessive consumption of alcohol.
It seems to Macy that the parasites consuming the leopard sharks and other types of fish in the San Francisco Bay may be related to pollution and perhaps to global warming and climate change. But mass species die offs are only part of the complete devastation and destruction of the planet, which supersedes every other type of issue that we may be concerned about. Cancer will not be a problem when the entire human race has become extinct. The entire human race is in the process of committing suicide due to advanced global warming and large amounts of toxic chemicals, air pollution, the melting of the polar ice caps, the rising of the sea levels, and the hole in the ozone layer which is causing the atmosphere to leak out into space. Eventually there will be no atmosphere.
Some people believe that God will do something to prevent this and the human race will somehow continue. But Macy Knows that the only continuation possible would be to find a new planet, hopefully uninhabited, by an alien race, and bring some humans to the planet. This is completely impossible. We will need to import native plants and animals, but not the parasites and diseases affecting them, this means we have to cure them before we can bring them to the new planet. If we fail to do this, we will be vulnerable to certain diseases increasing on the new planet and creating issues with extinction. Most of us won’t be going to the New World. Most of us are too old, too fat, too ill, or have Hep C, HIV, or are too stupid, unfit, or too crazy to be considered. Only a very few humans will be chosen. These humans will be in around 20 years old, and have high IQ, and high test scores, physical exceptional, attractive, have no substance abuse issues, popular with thier peers and have no mental health issues. They will represent all the races of the world, and half of them will be of mixed race to ensure that racism does not create a tragedy aboard the ship.
In order to transport the human race, we would have to travel faster than the speed of light causing our bodies to dissolve. A solid object that travels at the speed of light or faster can not remain solid at such a great rate of propulsion. We would have to arrive while we were still young enough to carry on. If we took a slower trip, we would have to be placed in suspended animation in liquid nitrogen. What if the machines fail to defrost the people frozen in liquid nitrogen upon the arrival on the new planet? No one has every died and been frozen and brought back to life. If they had the press would want to know the details of the afterlife. The person might say, he or she did not know the answer, since he or she was not really dead, but only frozen. Without a real death, the afterlife can not be possible.
Having children is a mistake because their children may not have any kind of good life, and have to face mass destruction in the future. Even if one more generation can survive, what about the next and the next and so on? Eventually time will be up for life on this planet. Humans can’t stop using all fossil fuels as India and China have very large populations. They will refuse to stop using fossil fuels, and burning coal, even if the USA were to lead the way in such matters. (which we won’t) The more underdeveloped countries won’t stop technological advancement until they feel they can enjoy the same life style as the most advanced counties. The only hope would be to invent a new way to create energy to power infrastructure that does not pollute the environment. All the toxic waste and pollution draining into the oceans is killing all the fish. Honey bees are dying from Colony Collapse. Honey is filled with pesticides. Johnny Rotten was right in his song, “Don’t Ask Me.” This is why Macy thought marrying her Boss would be good hedge against global warming. But, the romance did not work out between them.
“Archie, if the humans all commit suicide, what will our place be in Hell if we can’t collect new souls?” screams Satan.
Flashback: Referring to Lauren’s prior story entitled “The Adventures of Agent M, Secret Agent.”
The camera with Fearless Leader inside eventually washed up upon the shore. And Fearless Leader was able to pull himself up out of the camera. He transformed into Woodleaf which is his current incarnation.
Archie is still imprisoned in the clock. Although he makes occasional Pronouncements of the time, such as “This is Archie, it’s 12:00, and I have a number of needs that are not being met. Please send me gifts, items, cash, cars, computers, and kittens.”
In all the hoopla regarding the mass concert shooting in Vegas, Woodleaf decided to cancel the Concert to Repopulate Castle Fluffy Clouds. Instead he set his sights upon an upcoming mandolin concert on Sunday, Nov. 5, 2017 in San Francisco. He intends to circulate through the crowd, distributing coupons for a free nights stay at Castle Fluffy Clouds with gambling included, up to $20.00 worth.
Veronica Dare’s photo has been wiped from Castle Fluffy Clouds, as if she never even existed. The penalty for non classical music blasting is harsh. If only Veronica Dare had loved Opera, she may have not died at the age of 51. Thinking over the life of Ms. Dare, she was a remarkably good makeup artist. She used makeup to make her skin color whiter, and on her You Tube Make Up Videos, she would point out she was half Spanish and half Filipina, and not even a little bit Hispanic. Woodleaf married her because although she failed to be white, she was trying very hard to be white. Woodleaf fell in love with her when he saw her putting on her makeup and realized her soul was simple, pure and loving. But, there was a little known secret about Veronica Dare and her quest to become white. It was not merely she wanted lighter skin, she wanted very light skin, that was unnatural to her beautiful face. She bought skin bleaching creams before they were banned and used them. This resulted in a blotchy complexion. Instead of lightening her skin all over, it was lighter and darker in patches. She is disfigured without makeup.
Satan awakes from this terrible dream. “Archie, stop it, make it go away!” he screams. “It’s not Archie, now it’s Jack. My name is Jack, don’t you remember?”
Jack looks up the past reference and finds as follows: 5/23/2007
Satan: “Well, Archie, we laughed for three hours. That was good, but I have to get back on track with this cannibalism project. Get me Fearless Leader.”
“We can’t talk to him, Sir. He was sucked into a camera.”
“A camera? What are you talking about?”
“He’s inside this camera. If you look through the view finder you can see him.”
Satan takes the camera and looks through the view finder.
“I can see him, but he’s not moving around.”
“Hello!” Satan shouts into the camera.
“How do we get him out of there, Archie?”
“That’s unknown, Sir.”
“Of all the nerve. I have lost interest in the cannibalism project. I have to think of something else. Take this camera, and dispose of it. Throw it in the ocean.”
When Archie returns from discarding the camera, he finds Satan excited and enthusiastic again.
Satan: I read about millions of cloned brains existing in vats, in a hypothetical logic paper. The wonderful thing about being me, Archie, is that I can actually do that. I am going to set up a huge warehouse to hold one million cloned brains of Dr. Evil, down here in Hell.
Archie: Why would you want to do that, Sir?
Satan: The plan is simple. I am going to force all of those cloned brains to think of ways in which I may defeat God, 24/7. I have to defeat God, and I have limited time to do it. The brains in vats won’t need to eat, sleep, or maintain a human body. Dr. Evil is most the intelligent man in all of San Francisco. Imagine, what evil plans, a million of his cloned brains would be able to cook up?
The project gets under way, but unfortunately, the brains would not think about the required topic. They were obsessed with something else.
Satan: The cloning project was a failure, Archie. I instructed the cloned brains to think of ways in which I could defeat God. After letting them think for a good long while, Archie, do you know what those brains had to report?
“No, Sir, I have no idea.”
“Well, Archie, they had only come up with pages and pages of data entitled, ‘Fun Games.’”
“What is this crap?! I screamed at the brains,” continued Satan, “If you brains don’t stop this at once, and begin to think of ways in which, I, Satan, may defeat, Him, God, then I will incinerate this warehouse in a giant fireball.”
“And as you know, Archie, I never bluff.”
“Yes, I am well aware of that, Sir” Archie answers respectfully.
“I gave those brains another fortnight to think of what I wanted them to think about, but they would only think of more of the same thing. Schemes and plots for forcing Agent M to play some kind of demented game. I have no idea, how or why, the brains were doing that, or what the meaning of it all was.”
“It was terribly disappointing, Archie. I had to burn up the warehouse and all the brains.”
“I wonder why those brains were defective, Archie?” a note of dejection now creeping into his voice.
“I have no idea, Sir.”
“The master brain I made the copies from must of had a defect,” concludes, Satan sadly. “And now, I have to think of another plan to defeat God. I am in a terrible mood, Archie. Go away, now, and leave me to my thoughts.”
Who was Woodleaf then and now, why did he part ways with Satan?
If photos or video would be shot for public display on social media, Woodleaf would be sure to sabotage the videos or the photos in someway. The reason why is unknown, but maybe he merely wants to be as disagreeable as possible? The reason behind that is also unknown. The real him is lost somewhere under layers of lies and pretensions, and can only be glimpsed at when he takes nitrous oxide. Woodleaf can’t enjoy conversations unless he is conning. His con games end themselves with the “Big Reveal”. This process is also called “The Long Con”, similar to the way it was depicted in the 2003 movie, Matchstick Men. Woodleaf claims his father was similar to the character portrayed by Albert Finney in the movie, The Big Fish.
Notes from an original story written and published to his website on Planet Juniper
“His father lied for the sheer pleasure of lying. But at times he was a six pack of lies.”
David Woodleaf also claimed that having a father who lied all the time, and was never truthful when he could lie instead, gave him a “magical” advantage of being able to tell when other people were lying. But, this was also untrue. Woodleaf could not tell other people lies from facts. He could only place any statement that he felt to “improbable” in the category of a lie. Macy Told Woodleaf that Jack made her delete her Twitter Account because he believed in a drunken rage, that the account was a pro Hillary account during the Trump vs. Clinton election. Jack being a demon was very Pro Trump. Woodleaf did not believe it, but the story was true. Unfortunately for Woodleaf the lying and the skeptical nature only hurt him and others a lot, but did not bring any advantages, Still Woodleaf would not let the idea go. There must be some advantages to these disadvantages, he would tell himself.
Most of the time in an average conversation with a friend, who is not a trying to sell on anything. (Salesmen lie a lot). There is no reason for lying. If a friend lies, and says his birthday party was a success, one agrees with that statement, and does not bother whether or not it is true. What does it matter on a small issue like that? You hope your friend had a nice birthday party. But, when your friend says he has a Chateau in Switzerland, and he is going to invite you to spend the summer, maybe it is best to take that statement into consideration, it may not be ture. Woodleaf’s extreme paranoia made him consider that everyday getting to know type of conversation had many lies in it, because Woodleaf’s own getting to know you conversations were filled with many lies. When the new friend found out that Woodleaf had been lying, there would be some kind of fall out in the friendship. Maybe the friend would drop Woodleaf, or maybe the friend would decide to be less good friends with Woodleaf, not to drop him, but to reduce the number of time in which he would invite Woodleaf to occasions and events. To make the matter worse, Woodleaf had to consider that most of the information he was getting was a lie and he has someone smile and joke in a way to show he knew it was a lie to avoid being fooled. This made the other person feel very awkward. The other party became confused and did not know what was going on at first, but thinking about the situation later on, he may come to the realization that Woodleaf was a pathological liar who did not believe anything of importance anyone else was saying. This was so off-putting to Woodleaf’s friends that they dropped him left and right.
The Book Store Lady dumped Woodleaf for the minor lie he told about his age. Woodleaf liked to give his age as born in 1969, in 2004. He even posted on his fake biography that this was his age. Many other online sources mined his biography and placed his age at 1969, but when he realized he looked old and foolish, he changed his age back to his real age of born in 1964. In the process he lost the Book Store Ladies Friendship and hurt his career. The Book Store Lady she was displaying his Dreamachine at her store. But, when she found out he was lying about his age, she smashed up the Dreamachine in a fit of rage.
This information is being passed on not in the hopes that Woodleaf will reform himself and stop lying and the rest of his foolish behaviors, but only to merely point out that the lying messed up his life, his career and many of his relationship. In fact, without the lying it is possible the many interviewers who interviewed him would not have created unflattering interviews. These unfaltering interviews were read by any future interviewers who were going to interview him, and caused them to maybe even change their minds about doing the interview at all. This cut significantly down on the number of interviews requests, as a reporter will be blamed for publishing wrong facts, that have not been fact checked. Lies made the reporter’s life more difficult. Woodleaf liked being interviewed very much, he always granted any interview request and he used interviews as part of his Art. In a sense Woodleaf had, by lying, damaged his Art that he was so proud of. It made him into a comic buffoon similar to Alex Jones, who’s outrageous statements were not meant to be believed, but to listened to for entertainment only. However, Woodleaf insisted he was a series artist and not as joker or a story-teller. If one dared to confront Woodleaf on a lie, he would merely quickly change the subject so the other person was not able to get an anwser to the question.
All of these things finally came together. Woodleaf had no friends, but he was incapable of changing. He was lonely without friends. Without friends who would admire his accomplishments? Once his friends pegged him as a liar, they would be unable to give sincere flattery to any of his clear and obvious lies, and even true statements would not be believed.
One big lie he told was that he went to Nueva Germania and lead tour groups to Nueva Germania, but he was afraid to go to Nueva Germania. If questioned, he would only make the lie bigger and bigger, such as stating that he had hundreds of photos of the people of Neuva Germania when he did not have any photos. The ones he displayed on his website were fake.
Woodleaf was fond of the Bible Verse “Satan is the Father of Lies”. He liked to throw it around to bring people to the conclusion that maybe he was Satan or that he had aligned himself with Satan. For a while, Woodleaf considered Satan to be his preferred Deity, but when his career did not work out, the way he wanted, he dropped Satan.
In 2006, Woodleaf wrote an article for Vice Magazine which is the only thing that still remains online about his fake visits to Nueva Germania. In the article, he was going for the effect of the scene in the Burroughs Book, Naked Lunch, in which Lee overcomes two police officers, named Hauser and O’Brien, who are trying to arrest him in his hotel room for using heroin.
The article claimed that all the photos and videos Woodleaf took or Neuva Germania were lost when the police stole his cameras and phones. Because Woodleaf was in his North Korea phase, at that time, he also claimed there was video footage of the Leader of North Korea amongst the lost footage.
The Big Headed Woman, (think Mrs. Big Head from the show Rocko’s Modern Life) could not understand what North Korea had to do with Nueva Germania and why Woodleaf said, he wished to go there with her 11-year-old daughter. As far she was concerned she had signed up for a free trip to Nueva Germania, and instead been the victim of a bait and switch con. She wanted Nueva Germania, and instead she got North Korea. According to the Vice Article, Woodleaf and his Pet Parrot Cracky had traveled to Nueva Germania, and Cracky had caused confusion when he loudly asked the police officers for Crack cocaine. This had raised the ire of the officers. Woodleaf foreshadowed the incident, in an earlier published story on his website, in which, he wrote.
“But, truly, we needn’t ponder the temperament of Nueva Germania’s police force.”
The Big Reveal can be many things. It may be just revealing that the person you are talking to online has been David Woodleaf. A blood cuddling scream evokes from his victims lips. Woodleaf now writes to people under fake names and builds a relationship with them as a fake person. His prefer Twitter Handle was Fake Person 666, until he decided that his own name David Woodleaf meant all of those things that are fake and having to do with evil and the number 666.
Jack won’t keep his meetings with Satan, the way Archie did. When Satan wished to share a joke, he calls Jack down to Hell, but Jack won’t come very often. This annoys Satan, and by the time Jack shows up, the time of the joke has passed, so Satan stops sharing jokes with Jack.
Satan find that Jack is passed out drunk, and he has to step over him. An inverse relationship occurs, when Jack appears passed out to Macy, and she is steeping over his body, he is in Hell talking and laughing with Satan. When Jack is awake and talking to Macy, Satan sees him as passed out in Hell. And it’s been awhile since Satan has even seen Jack. Satan stops noticing this after a while. Stepping over Jack is just a fact of life. A life that can no longer be changed. Satan can’t change things, he only watches as they fall apart. He does not try to help Woodleaf, who will have made his own way in the world and figure things out on his own from now on. Satan’s latest attempt to talk to Woodleaf failed. This is how it went down.
Woodleaf told Satan, he had a lot on his mind and he was too busy to answer Satan’s questions. He launched into another self-pitying diatribe.
“I think Facebook has shadow banned me. People can’t find my Facebook, and write to me unless they know exactly who I am, and my exact url on Facebook. I still try to keep channels of communication open to new people, but I don’t want the older “used up” people bothering me. I began to search for the stuff I was promoting, to test for a shadow ban when I was logged out and logged incognito. Google results would not show me, or even my Dreamachine DVD. No one can enter my website due to a warning sign that pops up and blocks the page. This was clearly the work of the Four Fruits. They even ghost banned Cracky’s Book, and it was about Sun Flowers Seeds. So you see, Satan, I am not happy with you. I don’t know if you were supposed to bring me luck or what? What is the point of worshipping you, if you can’t help me with my career?”
Satan argued that this was a long time ago, and that “bygones should be bygones”, but Woodleaf only replied, “No, I don’t think so,” and hung up the phone.”
Woodleaf’s rejection only adds to Satan’s misery.
It was just as if Satan was having a Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. More bad news seems to come almost on a daily basis.
When does the winning start? How long must I wait?
But, then something good does happen to Satan, he wins big at video poker and it’s not a dream. Feeling back on top again, Satan comments to Jack, “In every life a little rain must fall.”