Posted August 10, 2025
Introduction: I recently reviewed Backstage Passes by Angela Bowie, a takedown book about David Bowie, which inspired me to pick up How to Lose Your Mother by Molly Jong-Fast, daughter of Erica Jong. Let me be clear: this is also a takedown book, exposing raw truths about Jong-Fast’s relationship with her mother, who has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. Despite its critical tone, I have deep sympathy for Jong-Fast’s experience. She describes her mother as emotionally distant throughout her life, a pain compounded by the heartbreak of watching a once-admired parent succumb to dementia.
This book is a must-read for anyone navigating a parent’s dementia, capturing the indescribable grief of seeing a loved one fade. Jong-Fast faced a devastating trifecta: her mother’s Alzheimer’s, her stepfather’s Parkinson’s and subsequent death, and her own husband’s cancer diagnosis. This onslaught of crises led her to cope through overeating and unhealthy habits—a response many will find relatable under such extreme stress.
The main cause of her mother’s Alzheimer’s is most likely alcoholism. Jong-Fast Describes her mother’s drinking all day, usually wine. Furthermore the World’s Most Expensive Nursing home as she calls it allows drinking. I found this to be slightly sketchy. A memory care unit should not allow drinking. Maybe her mother is still at one of the lower tiers where moderate drinking is allowed?
Jong-Fast’s writing style shines, reminiscent of Nora Ephron (whom she references in the book). A particularly striking moment is her nod to Bret Easton Ellis’s Book Less Than Zero, quoting its line about people being “afraid to merge,” which resonates deeply in the context of her fractured family bonds.
I never read Fear of Flying but I had the misfortune to read an Erika Jong book because I was assigned a book in a college English class. The book was called Fanny which turned out to be a rewrite of a book from 1784 Fanny Hill Memoirs of a Woman of Pleasure by John Cleland. In the original novel the character eventually finds happiness with a traditional relationship. However in Erica Jong’s book the story is rewritten so the woman is in complete control of all relationships. I think the novel Fanny was groundbreaking because it was possibly the first use of rewriting of history to fit current popular opinions. I think the novel was groundbreaking because it was possibly the first use of rewriting of history to fit current popular opinions. But at the time I questioned why we were reading a book n college that was basically pornography and extremely long. I skim read Fanny enough to make it work for the class but I never realized that deeper meaning behind the book. I have never been a fan of erotic fiction. I feel stories should have some kind of a plot even if they have erotic details.
When Jong-Fast said that Elon Musk believed he was in a simulation because he was incredibly famous; I smiled to myself and said that was probably because of the ketamine. The point she’s making is sometimes famous people feels so privileged that they believe the world was actually designed to favor them. And it certainly seemed like Erica Jong did live a dream life. I admired the pictures of her and her handsome first husband Jonathan Fast, the mother of the author. Unfortunately they divorced when she was only three years old. Divorce often makes children feel fractured.
Unlike many families grappling with dementia, Jong-Fast didn’t initially worry about affording care. However, she notes the looming risk of those funds depleting, potentially forcing a move to a less expensive facility—a transition that could be mentally taxing for someone with dementia. This raises critical questions about estate planning for long-term care. My own mother’s CalPERS long-term care insurance, for example, covered disappointingly little. Nearly everyone who has a parent with dementia has to worry about funds running out before their parents death.
The New York Times review of How to Lose your Mother states that Erica Jung is actually not in the “World’s Most Expensive Nursing Home” but at a prestigious hotel with helpers. I have often thought to myself that for the price of memory care one could simply check oneself into The Four Seasons. But for the average person this will not be affordable.
Money can ease the burden of dementia, but nothing takes away the emotional pain. The New York Times also states that Erica Jong wouldn’t mind that her daughter had written a takedown book and she had said in the past, that this story is hers to tell. I think it’s important that we be realistic and understand that being famous doesn’t make everything perfect. This is a book that I highly recommend for everyone involved with parents who have dementia.
Macy Makes Magic 