In the Film Lost Book Found by Jem Cohen (37 minutes 1996), the narrator finds a notebook the belongs to a street person. But, unfortunately, he haggled with the man over the selling price of the notebook. He thinks ten dollars is too high, so he holds firms and lets the man leave with the notebook. Once the man is gone he realizes his mistake and wants to buy the notebook at any price, but he can’t find the man again. So, he decides to reconstruct the notebook based on the brief look the man showed him. The notebook had notes about what are seemly random incidents and events around New York City, and was influenced by Walter Benjamin who wrote about idling around the streets of Paris in a very exciting historical time. His unfinished book is called The Passagenwerk or The Arcades Project, and considered a forerunner to Postmodernism. Walter Benjamin was forced to kill himself, rather than be killed by the Nazis in 1940.
As the film goes on the narrator begins to realize the notebook was about the Grand Theory of Everything. The random notes would somehow be tied together to create an overall picture that would explain the meaning of life. This idea was also mentioned by Stanisław Lem.
I saw Lost Book Found on the Sundance Channel or The Independent Film Channel, and I captured it using an early TiVo. I read on You Tube Lost Book Found was also shown by the BBC. The images are very dreamlike. Shot in mostly black and white, like Woody Allen’s Manhattan, the film looks at neighborhoods in New York City. When color is used, the colors are dark and cloudy invoking a melancholy mood on a dreary foggy day. Lost Book Found is a very hard to find film, so if you get a chance to see it on TV or a film festival be sure not to miss it.
The reason the Movie is called Lost Book Found is the narrator has the good fortunate to find the book that someone else wrote, and has lost or given away “The Lost Book”. He loses the book, when he does not buy it. He spends time trying to recreate the book until he “finds” the book again. I read an incorrect description of this film online saying the narrator found the book. If the narrator still had access to the book the mystery of the meaning of the book would be gone. Only in looking for the book, he finds real meaning. Having the book would not be the same as, looking for the book.
Another similar film is Wax or the Discovery of Television Among the Bees by David Blair 1991. I rented this film as a VHS tape from a Video Store called Le Video on Irving Street in San Francisco. I liked it so much, I made a copy of the tape with another VCR. I don’t have a copy of this film anymore, and the film is not available on DVD or Streaming Service as far as know, but it can be watched on Youtube. William Burroughs has a cameo role as James HiveMaker. The movie is kind of confused, and does not have very much of plot, but is another movie that brings you a kind of dream like state of contentment once you let go of the idea of trying to make any sense of the movie. As I recall HiveMaker is a sort of doctor or scientist who is instrumental in bringing Television to the Bees. Now that Bees are dying around the world, what implication does this film have for modern times? An episode of the show Dark Mirror on Netflix in which Bees have to be replaced by robot bees in order to pollinate plants. A hacker gains control of the robot bees, and uses them to punish people with assassination by robot bee.
I have to add that Jem Cohen (born 1962) has nothing to do with Jem and Holograms. His first name is Jem. I used to wonder if his name was really Gem and Jem was a misspelling.
I have not read The Arcades Project, but basically it seems that Walter Benjamin, between 1927 and 1940, went around the streets of Paris and took notes about what he observed. These observations could be considered a historical record from a time in which film and photos were very expensive to use.
“The solemn, reflective, tranquil character of the Parisian mealtime is measured
less by the particular dishes served than by the stillness that surrounds you in the
restaurant, whether it be before uncovered tables and plain white walls or in a
carpeted and richly furnished dining room. Nowhere does one find the hubbub
of a Berlin restaurant, where patrons like to give themselves airs and where food
is only a pretext or necessity ” From The Arcades Project p. 829
In Lost Book Found Jem Cohen goes around New York City taking valuable video which records and saves history like a time capsule from the past waiting to be unwrapped in the future.
I have been taking Singulair (montelukast) for asthma and allergies. I don’t normally have nightmares, but Singulair causes them. I was living with my boyfriend who is a demon named Jack with a terrible temper. Jack is Black Irish and I find him to be incredibly handsome and totally sexy. Jack is 20 years younger than me as well. William S. Burroughs had a boyfriend named John Brady, who could therefore be called Jack, but Burroughs called him Johnny. That is where I picked the name Jack for the boyfriend character. It seemed that Burroughs abandoned Johnny when he moved to America. He wanted Johnny to come with him, but only if he would stop drinking and get a proper job. He wanted Johnny to become a policeman in New York, as they were mostly Irish. Johnny did not want to stop drinking, and he was always begging for money. This seemed to annoy Burroughs and he cut Johnny off and told his friends, not to give Johnny anymore money. I am basing all of this on the definitive biography of Book, CallMe Burroughs: A Life by Barry Miles. Barry Miles based it on letters that Burroughs had written to his friends about John Brady. It’s all very interesting, if you read the book. I don’t want to give it all away. After John Brady disappeared Burroughs wanted to contact him, and could not find him, so he wrote Johnny into some of his books and stories as a character who was a policemen’s son. Burroughs also had a habit of ending relationships by moving away. But, he still wanted to stay in touch. He had a difficult relationship with Irish people. He believed he was molested as a child by his nurse who was Irish. In the book Junkie, he makes an Irish friend who helps him get Junk. Yet, he would still go on racists tirades about the Irish and about the Jews, in spite of the fact, that Allen Ginsberg who was Jewish was his closest life time friend. Burroughs was a very complex man, but he was practical. He would say things, but then do things to contradict the things he said. Above all he would befriend anyone of any race or religion even if he professed not to like them, if that person was useful to him. He was very lonely, and always seeking out friends. He hated to let friends go.
In the dream the cable guy came to our house and some how Jack got into a fight with him and punched him and knocked him out. He was still alive. Jack locked him up in a room and then we talked over what to do with him. Jack was of the feeling he would go to the police, and we could never let him go. We would have to kill him. I mentioned this was a nightmare. Unlike the usually dreams I have that end with love and peace, this one ended after Jack really killed him and I was so upset, I woke up with a start and it took me two hours to get back to sleep.
Singulair is known for causing nightmare. If you look it up and research it, you will find a number of reports. I normally take it in the morning because of that. Singulair does not make me tired, and it seems to give me energy. So maybe my story can help you decide about Singulair.
Updated: June 23 2018 I believe some damage was done to the crawl space of my house by the Dish installers. The cost of this damage will cost one thousand dollars to fix and I don’t see what recourse I have, as I can not prove Dish crushed my duct work.
I Love Dick is a TV show made by Amazon Prime was cancelled January 2018.
Most people are incensed by the TV Show which showed the main character behaving very selfishly, but did you know, it’s all real?
A woman named Chris married to a Holocaust Scholar named Sylvère Lotringer pursues a single man sculptor (Kevin Bacon) inside an artist colony located in Marfa, Texas. Based on an autobiographic novel by Chris Kraus called I Love Dick. All the people in the show are real people. The woman is the writer of the book, her husband is Sylvère Lotringer is really an intellectual who hosted William S. Burroughs at Nov Con in 1978, and published a literary journal called Semiotexte, and is actually a Holocaust Scholar.
I still don’t know why it has been cancelled, but one of the producers, I believe was involved in the Me Too Scandal. But, this does not seem like a reason to cancel it, just fire him and move on. It could have been cancelled, because the story was all told, but it did not have definite ending. Is the woman going be with Kevin Bacon or her husband?
This show may go down along with (The Sopranos and Lost) as one of the worse ending in the history of shows. If they knew it was only a one season deal, why leave all the plotlines unresolved? The only clue is that Chris Kraus and Sylvère Lotringer got divorced in 2016. Which means her marriage does not work out, but does she get with Kevin Bacon?
“‘As with I Love Dick, all the facts are true, says Kraus.” From an article in the Guardian.
I also found out from the source Kevin Bacon is Dick Hebdige. Since he was British, I am thinking Hugh Grant would have been right for the part of Dick.
All Kevin Bacon had to say about the role was he hoped his character would be given more depth. Now, I have to read the book and Chris Kraus wrote another book that sounded interesting, Aliens and Anorexia.
Chris Kraus compares I Love Dick to Queer by William S. Burroughs, but I don’t see the two as similar. For one thing, Joan is never mentioned in Queer, and Burroughs and Joan were not really married. Burroughs spend months traveling with his obsession, Allerton, Adelbert Lewis Marker without Joan. I got the understand that Joan knew the score and they were in a Platonic relationship at that point. I don’t think Burroughs killing Joan had anything to do with Marker, I think it was just an accident. But, I discovered that Marker was there when Joan was shot and he was first one to help Joan. Everyone else was too stunned to do anything.
All Secrets are Revealed in shockingly honest interview
Woodleaf (Master of the House)
Ann (His Wife)
Macy (His Public Relations Agent or Media Rep.)
Cracky the Parrot (locked in his cage)
Two Federal Agents (based on Mulder and Scully)
minor contributions from Heidi Manyhats and Instagram
Ann has discovered Woodleaf telling people he meets on the golf course, that S. Owl is his wife. Ann was so upset, she decided to delay the conversation to a time in which they could all sit down and discuss the situation.
Ann: I think it’s time you tell me everything about Squirrely Owl.
Woodleaf: Although honesty is certainly not in my nature, I’m going to tell you everything about Squirrely Owl.
The idea of Squirrely Owl, my fake wife, was that Squirrely Owl would be a fake woman that I would create. S. Owl is musically inclined, therefore I can create compositions with Audacity Music Software, and claim that Squirrely Owl wrote them and performed them. Her personality has touches of Andy Warhol, and if I was a woman, I would be just like her. Her cleavage is generous. (Woodleaf laughs to himself, and tries to suppress it.) S. Owl lives in Prague. This means the regular sites they look up people’s names and provide information minor about them here, in the U.S. do not apply to her. It is not possible for someone in the US to find out if she exists. I listed a number of concert dates for S. Owl with venues and times in 2017, but it would be very unlikely that an American could go to Prague, just to check and see if S. Owl was to appear. One of the past venues, I had picked for S. Owl, had a sort of open mic or free day or big party with guests, that were not listed. Clearly therefore, S. Owl could have been one of those guests. I also often listed the events on the website, after they had already happened, as an afterthought, in case anyone interested fan was local to Prague. When I listed the venues, I made sure they did not archive past events on their websites. It would take a visit to Prague and tickets to an upcoming concert to see S. Owl to prove she is real, but I am not having any more concerts. I was discouraged by the failure of the Manson Concert. Furthermore concerts and live appearances are dangerous. All kind of destruction can happen at a concert.
Macy: But, the Billy Joel concert was a huge success.
Woodleaf: I did not say, all concerts were out forever. I am just taking a sabbatical from concerts for while.
Macy: Why does S. Owl’s name keep changing? She would be easier to follow if she kept a more consistent name. I did explain, she used to perform under a number of different names, so they more names the better. If her name is not consistent it will be harder to prove or disprove she is real. Cracky wanted her to be named Screechy Owl because a Screech Owl is a certain type of owl, (that Cracky admires) but she ended up being named Squirrely Owl because of the amount of insanity in the interview, that I wrote for her. I pointed out to Cracky, there was not enough evidence of screeching on the part of S. Owl to merit the moniker of Screechy.
Cracky is still in a sulky mood over this. Right now, he pretends he is unable to talk. But soon he will have to talk again.
The hardest thing about creating and then maintaining a fake person is the consistency of photos, that I’m posting online. I managed to obtain photos of a woman who was not too fat or too thin, and had round owl like glasses to be the base unit model for S. Owl, composite woman. I wrote the first fake interview for Squirrely Owl. I, myself, being both the Interviewer and Squirrely Owl, was able to make the Interviewer say things that make it seem like Squirrely Owl was actually a real person. “I have been to see your concerts twice,” says the Interviewer, as if Squirrely Owl actually had concerts.
I bought another website, called Black Curtains, and uploaded the interview to the website. The Interview, is naturally, in Czechoslovakian. Americans can’t actually read it without Google Translate. I created questions and answers to make S. Owl look talented, artistic, esoteric, and above all snobby and exclusive like me. If I were S. Owl, I would say, what she said.
People don’t research things unless they have interest in those things. There are so many things that interest people online, now that the online experience has become tailored to each person’s unique interests. One can follow only the topics they like such as politics or no politics, music or no music, sports, and if so only certain sports. No one follows all sports, and no one has time to follow and research all topics or even all the topics in a narrow range of focus.
Lauren’s Notes: Stanisław Lem wrote a book called The Cyberiad. In this whimsical and sarcastic science fiction novel, two robots travel the Galaxy. In one of the chapters (which the author calls Fables of the cybernetic age) they are held hostage by a pirate who demands not treasure, but information. In order to escape the robots create a version of the Internet. The book was published in 1965 in Polish and in English in 1974, before the conception of the Internet. The Pirate is overwhelming by too much irrelevant information, giving the robots time to escape. In modern times there no is mental ability as important as narrowing in on useful information and filtering out useless information and advertisements. Without such skills the user drowns in data without achieving his or her actual objective for researching in the first place. However if ones focus is too narrow he or she becomes an expert on his or hers topics of interest, but remains ignorant on other topics. Other topics can help and support ones knowledge, even if it appears unrelated to the topic of interest at first. For example wind speed can effect the game of golf.
Macy: In the Interview, what did S. Owl say about Omus?
Woodleaf: She said, she had to miss the Omus concert. Naturally, since he is one of my “friends” I like to throw his name around like he is really important. But, of course, I may not have heard from him, because if I reached the end of the joke/prank which is the “Big Reveal” at the end of the Long Con, Omus may be too pissed off to speak to me ever again. It’s a risk I have to take. It’s certainly not my fault if people get upset, when they are lied to, but if someone lies to me, I will surely have a fit and scream at them. When I lie it is artful and significant. When other people lie is because they have low quality characters. That is because I am a Great Artist.
Macy: Is Omus really as important as Jandek? The independent musical sensation Jandek has more views on his You Tube Channel, then your friend Omus.
Woodleaf: That is beside the point. I don’t measure popularity by what the common man embraces.
I had a series of photographs of Squirrely Owl and some children, but no photographs of her and myself together, obviously. I could have of superimposed my hands on her shoulders like in my other fake photos, such as with Mr. Simplicity . When I wanted to look like I had touched people’s shoulders in Nueva Germania, I would superimpose my hands there, so people would not think I had just copy pasted a photo of myself in with the Nueva Germanians. But, the joke was the photo was from my Grandfather’s Nursing home. The photo was indoors, and it was not taken in Nueva Germania. None of the photos taken were in Nueva Germania. I put them in black and white to make them harder to discern. People were fooled by some fake street signs, I had made up with misspelled names. Later I posted a photo of myself and a woman in a boat holding the signs, so people would know the signs were fake and they had been tricked. Strangely, the public outcry was not as large as I expected, so I decided to cancel the Big Reveal with Nueva Germania. It’s cliché to copy paste in Photoshop, because everyone knows photo image manipulation now. They can even use a free program called the Gimp, instead of paying for Photoshop. That is why I don’t use manipulated photos as much as I used to.
Part of the fun of having S. Owl’s photos appear with children was, in particular, to horrify women and girls who are baby sitters. They think I may be dangerous to those children, after I revealed my kidnapping scheme for school boys.
Macy: How did you get those photos?
Woodleaf: I stole them from public profiles, but I have all the photos I am ever going to get with the same woman, unless she posts some new public photos. If she does I will scope those up, and post them on her fake facebook, that is under my control.
Editor’s Note: Woodleaf posted this joking Craigslist post
Date: 2008-02-14, 11:46 AM PST
At Discovery Group we have a BLAST reaching and teaching children ages 2-10!.We offer our numerous clients an opportunity to have reliable and competent tutors for their wards. We are looking for instructors who are high energy, reliable, and willing to let their hair down and have fun with kids. No “art” experience is required. Background in working with children is a preferable (daycare, schools, camp counselors, nanny, Sunday school, baby sitting…). Instructors are expected to lead children through a series of art projects (lesson plans provided), complete prep work, aide in hosting birthday parties, set up and clean up, and explain and answer questions about our program to potential customers.
A bit more about us…
To aide in the development of each individual child’s talents and abilities our instructors lead students through the process of creativity.
Why we exist:
It is the mission of Discovery Group to encourage instructors to explore creativity in every child, experience artistic freedom and success, acknowledge and appreciate differences, and grow in self-confidence and discovery.
Sound like a good fit? Please contact us via email….
Woodleaf: The Discovery Group ( if people researched it) was shown to be a group of Bears. The email was fake, but I had another gmail listed so they could reply to that one. No one uses Hotmail.
Macy: Yes, I tried Hotmail, but some sort of issue caused it to be impossible to log in.
Woodleaf: Correct, once you make a Hotmail Address, you will never be able to log in again.
Macy: The only thing worse than Hotmail is AOL.
Ann: I still use AOL.
Woodleaf and Macy fall silent and look at her.
Macy: (changing the subject) What do you mean by Bears?
Woodleaf: Yes, Bears! Like in the online game Triple Town. You try to build a town while angry bears roam the streets. I tried to capture that in my rare attempt to create a musical composite work called the Jungle Book Song, but I could not get it the way I wanted. I never finished the project.
Woodleaf: Maybe the fooled people would try to contact S. Owl to warn her? That would prove to me, that those people were fooled. I would answer them back as my fake wife, and begin an entire fake correspondence. What would I say? Something like my husband is a wounderful role model to our five children. Maybe I should make it six?
How can I harm children that are not real, that are born to a fake woman who does not exist? That was the Big Reveal (July 31, 2004) that ruined my relationship with you, Macy, and made you quit the Organization, and become my PR agent just to be close to me again.
Macy: I did not become your PR agent until 2016. I did not quit the Organization until 2014. It seemed I had become too old to be a female secret agent. I could no longer seduce men. But, I stayed in the Organization for ten more years after 2004, there was still time for you to make amends with me. Then, I would not of had to become your PR Agent. I know you don’t like my ideas and plans.
Woodleaf: (No Comment) Be that as it may, back to the topic on hand. Squirrely Owl actually didn’t sing or (maybe she did sing) or maybe I just used a voice changer. If I don’t show her singing, who is to say, she is the singer?
Macy: The versions of Sandy Neverstop seem all different. Does she have a loud strong voice or a soft quiet voice?
Woodleaf: She can have any voice that I feel like uploading. I invented Revolving Records to make it look like I had been signed, and that she had been signed.
Macy: But you could have used promotional websites for unsigned bands?
Woodleaf: If I was to appear unsigned, I don’t think Apple Music would have accepted S. Owls music. Lots of music artists, in particular rappers, who get dropped from their labels create their own labels to promote music made by themselves and a few close friends. I uploaded S. Owl’s fake parents and fake uncle to Wikipedia, as great artists worth of Wikipedia, I found a black and white photo of some historical time, which shows a man and woman playing various instruments. No one can contact them as they are dead already, and my research sources were my own online websites. It is fairly easy to search for a copyright free photo on Wikipedia Commons of unknown people who can be copy and pasted to any background for example in a photo of Neuva Germania. Here are some people ready to be cut and pasted on to any background.
Cracky: The dog looks like a ghost.
Woodleaf: Yes, Cracky that is a lost ghost dog.
To make S. Owl’s music, I took a bunch of sounds from different instruments to make a big hodge-podge, in fact, I wanted to make a salad! In the same way, I was going to make a salad with Foxgloves leaves to kill the Old Bat, (Helen) in 2004, when I thought I could inherit her money and property, but those retards got in my way. I called S. Owls debut album, Lamprey, an Electronic Salad with Classical Spices, on the two fake websites I bought for her. It was not enough to buy Sandy Vitriol dot com, I also bought Sandy Vitriol dot org.
Macy: I remember, Helen (the Old Bat) left her houses and money to an Institute that helps handicapped people live a full life in spite of their mobility impairments. You told me about her when we took a boat out on the San Francisco Bay.
Woodleaf: Those unfit individuals need to be eliminated for the good of society. But, I digress. In the fake interview, I had S. Owl say that the only music she likes is classical. I believe this gives her some sort of legitimacy for writing Pop Music.
Macy: I would not call it Pop Music.
Woodleaf: It’s a mash-up of many different electronic sounds and noises over some sort of panting vocalization, it’s not actually singing. Many people make audio tracks like this and upload to different places. Each time S. Owl is played on iTunes, I get less than a penny. It was not for the money, that I created S. Owl. It was so people would feel jealous of me, and my ex-girlfriends would regret not marrying me, now that am married to S. Owl.
Ann: You are married to me. My name is Ann.
Woodleaf: Yes, dear, but you are not musical, and I have a pet name for you.
Woodleaf: under his breath, “Your Royal Dumpiness.”
Ann: (urgently) What’s that name?
Woodleaf: (loudly) Your Royal Highness
Ann: (gushing with pride) I love that name! I am part English on my Mother’s side and part Swedish on my Father’s side, and I love Queen Elizabeth.
Woodleaf: Ahem, continuing with the story of S. Owl. I uploaded the fake interview with the photos of Squirrely Owl, to the fake website. I, then, created a Facebook for S. Owl and made lots of friends for her. People in artistic circles are quite anxious to follow each other as a means of self promotion, but they don’t really care or listen to each other’s music. Online writers don’t read each other’s writing. They are too busy writing.
The main problem is I don’t have anymore pictures of Squirrely Owl to post. So I hired an actress to pretend to be Squirrely Owl. I thought she looked similar. I searched through many pages of women on the website Model Mayhem to find the correct fit. She was taller than the original version. I asked to pick apples from a tree and to pose with a garden hose. Later on, I hired another model who was shorter and thinner. I only used her once to point a gun make of leaves at the audience. Violence is a theme I like to use to unsettle people. The album cover of Lamprey shows an iron bar and an open hand, as if the hand was about to hit someone with the iron bar.
Macy: Not good! See, we don’t agree. You need to use images that make you friendly and approachable. I suggest something like a Panda Bear. Think round, friendly, comforting and cute.
Woodleaf: It does not matter that we disagree on everything about my career, even the cover art on my CDs. I do what I want, and I don’t pay you anything. You work for free. I don’t take your suggestions. I listen to them, but then I don’t take them.
Macy: Seriously, you say you want people to contact you, but you are not willing to provide a friendly environment for them to contact you. Then you refuse to contact people unless they contact you first. That is why you are isolated.
Woodleaf: Yes, Macy, as always your suggestions have been considered and then rejected. I have seen perhaps seven different women playing the role of Sandy Neverstop on You Tube. I don’t think they would dare to confront me or anyone with a compliant. It takes a lot of courage to write an email, one has to reveal an email address to get a reply. This is why I don’t want to appear friendly and easy to contact. I want to keep away negative people.
Macy: But, you are also keeping away the positive people.
Woodleaf: You do have a point, Macy, and I will think it over and maybe I will change in the future. Here is a publicity photo of S. Owl.
Macy looks at the photo.
Macy: This is not the same round-faced woman in the Interview Photo.
Woodleaf: Yes, but no one will look that closely, so it works. It’s so grainy, she could be anyone. I faded and altered it with Photoshop.
Macy: I have added makeup to make her more attractive, in the style of Miranda Sings. Here she is, playing her violin!
Macy: But, honestly, Woodleaf, would you not rather have real friends, then fake ones? Someone to take you to dinner on your birthday? Someone to go to the park with on a nice day?
Woodleaf: Not really, I don’t get that attached to people.
Cracky: (loudly from another room) He’s a sociopath.
Woodleaf: Shut up, Cracky. I am moving you down to the basement. Just a minute, I will be right back.
Woodleaf takes Cracky’s cage down to the basement and comes back.
Woodleaf: Sorry about that interruption. S. Owl doesn’t necessarily NOT exist, but what is her real name, and who is she? The point of contention would be if she was actually married to me, and is she willing to join me and my quest to sell boxes? I know people want to see the following items, a wedding photo, a marriage license, some video of the wedding, but I don’t have these, at least not at this time. I may be able to figure out how to create them in the future.
Woodleaf: Do you remember my famous quote “A bride burns her bridges having fallen in love, and becomes a flatten out version of her former self?”
Macy: I don’t recall that quote.
Woodleaf: It was one of the quotes in the book, I mailed to Burroughs, that impressed him so much that he decided to invite me to move to Lawrence, Kansas so I could be with him everyday.
Macy: Yes, I do recall you speaking about your meetings and all the things he was telling you. His sagely wisdom passed down to you, the young man.
Wikipedia allows online websites as sources, so I can get many things onto Wikipedia that are not true, by creating websites. Someday, I will hit Jimbo Wales, the head of Wikipedia, with the Big Reveal. All of what I carefully uploaded to Wikipedia is fake or almost all of it was fake, and it stayed online for years. I am sure his top would blow just like Tom Jumbo-Grumbo. He will spout water, like a whale, when he finds out. I will laugh for weeks.
Note: The long con may be looked up on Wikipedia for clarification.
Woodleaf: It would be too pedestrian for any wife of mine, to have to work, and since I made her very rich, she only makes music for the art of it. S. Owl doesn’t have any career other than to make electronic music, that is really mine, and of course, none of this is able to be verified or validated. The music is about plant consciously and karma between animal species. For example the cat kills the song bird, then karma kicks in and something bad happens to my ex girlfriend’s cat. I put down that she is a strict music teacher in her Wikipedia, which I created for her in November 2016 under the user name of Swimming. I have so many usernames on Wikipedia. S. Owl is very unforgiving if her imaginary pupils make a mistake in what they should or should not believe, about my career and history. Getting it wrong or laughing underneath their breath merits a slap on the knuckles with a rhythm stick, or my conductor’s baton. The same one I used to wave around when musicians whom had been tricked into showing up and playing, at my various events in Los Angeles such as the funeral for the Pelican. However, for the Pelican Funeral, I switched the baton to a pliers, as the brown pelican had been murdered with a pliers. Most of the people fleed in terror, until only 25 remained out of 300 to start with. I knew I had to start making it harder for people to leave in the middle of one of my concerts.
I pretended I was the director of a non-existent chamber music group, when people asked me what I did for my career, I Siad I was the director of a chamber music choir. When they asked where I went to school, I said The New School of Social Reserach.
I did not tell them, I had not even graduated high school, because I was too undisciplined, and I had too much ADD to sit still. I learned early on that most people make themselves look better than they really are. They say, they graduated high school or even went to college, when they did not. It is all a phony racket, anyway. No one needs college or even high school to be a self-made rich man. It’s not like anyone is going to check my college degrees, since I am not applying for any jobs, and to do so is a violation of my right to privacy. I decided the college I would select was The New School of Social Research. But, I don’t list my graduation date, because its implied. I only attended high school, and that was in the late 70s, but did not graduate.
I used many of the same musicians that I conducted during the funeral of the holocaust victim. I pursued his (old lady) injured wife around her hospital room, trying to give her a musical score of her prerequiem, which she thought was the kiss of death, until she had to hire private security guards to prevent me from coming in to her room, and so did the San Francisco Chronicle. They hired a large African-American Gentleman, whom I was at odds with because he would not let me inside to confront the column writers with my demands that they include my press releases in their daily column write ups. Macy, you thought you would have to take on the role of Lynette “Squeaky” Fromme, because you could not see how you fit into the plan of arguing with the SF Gate Newspaper Security guard.
Macy: Why not make a YouTube Video with you waving your stick around and S. Owl singing or playing something? There is still time to make S. Owl more real.
Woodleaf dramatic aside: See how quickly Foolish Macy begins to believe things I say over and over. It’s like she is hypnotized. Yes, Macy that is my pet name for you, Foolish Macy.
Woodleaf Normal Speaking Voice: S. Owl is supposed to be rich, like you Ann, and supposed to be giving money to the poor masses. Like AnnaLynne McCord, the actress from 90210, S. Owl is also a philanthropist. That makes it seem like I am really rich, which makes me feel happy and successful. Just knowing that everybody knows that I am married to Squirrely Owl, and I’m rich, makes me happy.
Squirrely Owl makes these records (distributed by my fake company Revolving Records,) but of course nobody wants to buy, The Squirrely Records, or should I say, Cassettes. But, I don’t tell anyone that. Since my career was at the point when nobody would actually buy anything that I made anyway, due to my tendency to just keep the money, and not send them anything. It some cases that was the Big Reveal. That is why my Paypal Account was cancelled, and besides which I can’t make it back to Juniper Hills very often to look in P O Box 666 for any checks. The Dreamachine was too much work to mail, the cardboard top would get bent. The box that fit it was too expensive, and it took too much in postage. The box was oversized and oddly shaped. I explained this in the long story I wrote about my life and posted it online in late 2004. I had a hearty laugh at the buyers expenses in my quest for Infinite Trolling.
Macy: Explain Infinite Trolling.
Woodleaf: The terms come from the David Foster Wallace Book, Infinite Jest. And it’s pretty self-explanatory. None of my art turns out to be real art for the sake of art. All of my art is based on some kind of fraud, where I cheat the buyer. The buyer thinks he is getting one thing, like a mind machine that will get him legally high without having to ingest potentially harmful and costly substances. But, instead he gets a headache.
The time I promised I would show my guest, New Wave Music Videos, and instead I put forward my kidnapping scheme. What kind of person would that of made her if she was willing to break the law and face jail, all to please me? A very stupid person indeed, as I would let her take the rap for the crimes. I would be infinitely amused, or at least laugh for a very long time. Then I would have John Money for Nothing Paint a picture of her with a shaved head and an X carved into her forehead, because the stupefying of Macy would be complete. These type of activities (which I never stop) are called Infinite Trolling. That is why the original fake name for my fake wife was Sandy Neverstop, as in Never Stop Trolling, and Never Be Real.
When I uploaded fake information about Mildred N. Swords, another fake person I made up, to the Planet Juniper Website, I knew the residences of the Planet Association would be upset. I had no idea how upset. I assumed, they would be a little bit upset, and they would call me and demand an explanation. But, they never called me. I never called them. So, I never got to the Big Reveal Stage, in which I planned to link their town with Nueva Germania. I have never been to Nueva Germania, myself, the trip is too dangerous. I don’t speak any Spanish. Then after they found out that Mengele lived there, which I had planned to add to Wikipedia, they would have been so upset, that at that point, they would have disavowed me. Mengele however, most likely did not live there, but he traveled there. I just wanted to make people more upset by flinging the Mengele name around. This creates stress. Planet Juniper made a statement to disavow me, and uploaded to their new website, but in a PDF form of minutes from their meetings. Google does not index the PDFs, and no one can find these documents, if they search for my name. So, it is no big deal to me, what they did to me. I wrote the story “A Cheesy Woody Allen” about them, after that.
The Big Headed Woman, either never saw what I posted about her, and the photos I posted of her, or she did not care, because she never called me after I was forced to leave her home in Canada. I continued to try to call her daughter, who was 11. I wanted to share the drawing inside Cracky’s Magazine, The Boy Friend. The artwork was black and white line drawing of her and her two sisters singing the National Anthem of North Korea, and of me conducting them, and also lots of other drawings of prominent people. The cover was reminiscent of the Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band album cover. It looked like a coloring book. I encouraged people to color in the drawing to personalize it, so later it would become worth money, and I could sell it on Ebay as a one of the kind item. I am still, after all, also a businessman, beside my many other careers and talents. I knew once the girl grew older, if I could not continue to influence her, she would grow up and begin to reject me. No one wants to talk on the phone with me. I can be very difficult for no reason on the phone. I have not learned phone manners. I know how to behave properly, it’s not like I am autistic, but often I choose to behave poorly. I make it impossible for the other party to get a word in edgewise, as I dominate the whole conversation to make me right and them wrong. I change the facts many times until they give up, and begin to believe some version of my lies.
Making a new fake person to do music as in ( S. Owl), gives me a clean slate and a chance to start over as a person without my reputation of cheating and deceiving, getting in the way of the marketing or the appreciation of my music. At last my music would be appreciated without the burden of me being connected to it. Unfortunately S. Owl’s music (my new music) was not popular, so I have not updated the website. I am thinking of trashing the whole project for something else. I doubt you will be hearing much from S. Owl in the future, as I am on to other things.
Macy: That is a good idea. I don’t think S. Owl is the kind of image we want for ourselves. I wish I was young and good-looking again. I would like to be a model for your cover art.
Woodleaf: No, Macy you look too Jewish.
Macy: But, I looked good at certain angles, I don’t understand, and I am a real person.
Woodleaf: I love you for your mind Macy, not for your appearance. If you wanted to appear, we would find you a different model to appear as you. Don’t take it personally, that is just the way it is.
Below is the hype Woodleaf posted about his upcoming essay which he released as a PDF.
“With the shifting sands of government in Paraguay, this is a rare opportunity to explore a forgotten facet of the Nietzsche and Wagner legends. Richard Wagner possessed little knowledge of the South American peninsula when he suggested the establishment of an Aryan colony there–in his essay “Religion And Art”, which originally appeared in the Bayreuther Blätter for October of 1880, constituting the whole of that number of the journal, and reappeared shortly thereafter in a compendium of his essays. Six years later, following tremendous recruiting efforts and personal expense, Elisabeth Nietzsche, sister of the philosopher and herself a devout Wagnerite, took the poetic essay at face value and, fueled by the bombast of her agitprop husband Bernhard, realized the Master’s vision. Return soon for Dr. Woodleaf’s English translation of Wagner’s three-part essay–which begins with the following motto from Schiller: “In the Christian religion I find an intrinsic disposition to the Highest and the Noblest, and its various manifestations in life appear to me so vapid and repugnant simply because they have missed expression of that Highest.”
Macy: Do you remember when you wrote an essay called on Art and Religion based on Richard Wagner’s essay on Art and Religion? I read the original essay, as it was free online, and then I read yours and I found you posted the same essay as Wagner’s word for word, but at the end you added a little part about the world going to the Devil again and again. I thought you added, at least, that little part, about the Devil at the end, but when I recheck I could see you uploaded the entire essay unchanged and credited it to yourself. Do you remember when you posted the link to your essay was on sabbatical? I had no idea what the meant. Maybe you were rewriting it? It was confusing to people. Which is why I think you try to be more clear with your art. Why do something fraudulent that can be so easily found out? Why not write a review of the essay or add your own touches to the essay?
Woodleaf: I found the free essay online, but rather than reposting it, I wanted people to think I had translated it. Macy, once again, you did not read carefully. Although I posted the essay as Art and Religion by David Woodleaf. The “by me part” was as a translator. I did not add any of my own writing or ideas to the essay. This was an example of my Art featuring appropriation. I am an Appropriation Artist, with a nod to the chapter in Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace in which the character Ken Erdedy briefly dates a female Appropriation Artist in order to obtain marijuana, which he is addicted to. Being an Appropriation Artist means I can steal any writing, artwork or music sample from the Internet and call it my own without making a modifications, if I so choose not to. I can make a modification if I wish, but it this case I did not choose to.
After a couple of years I removed the essay and pulled the link. That essay did not hang around the Internet, like my more popular essay on Ketamine.
I am obsessed by Eugenics, but I call it family planning. In my Wikipedia it says speculative planners, but my Wikipedia is subject to change. The article I wrote for Vice Magazine online I called it Eugenics. Vice was not afraid to publish the word Eugenics. Vice deleted all the negative comments on my written piece, and they keep it online with no comments, and no new comments allowed to be posted. I am proud of that piece. Real Writers include prominent online magazines, which they have contributed on their bios and biographies.
If I had a colony without the Four Fruits, I would be the natural leader of men, that I should have been. Exactly like Charles Manson wanted to be the King of the New World after the Blacks had won the race war, as explained in the concept of Helter Skelter. But, when I discuss Manson, I only discuss him as John Money for Nothing. Because I don’t want Manson and his craziness ruining my concept of Art. But, I realize that was only a joke. I gave up on the idea of Nueva Germania, when I got possession of Castle Fluffy Clouds.
Macy: If John Money for Nothing is real, he is certainly not a very approachable person. Most people would be too scared to contact him.
Woodleaf: I like it that way. It keeps down the amount of people who may approach him, whom I then have to field off, and it’s a waste of my time to reply to them as him. When I am him, I speak using only obscenities to keep people afraid to ask him any questions or contact him. But, they can order from his website online. I collect merger profits from that.
Macy: If people wanted to get in touch with you, could they contact Cracky? I would like a way for people to be able to get in touch with you and send comments to you. Being plugged into social media is critical these days to be a successful writer.
Woodleaf: Cracky thinks he is too good to answer his fan mail. He is always claiming that he is always on a vacation somewhere, so his excuse is that he is never home. But in truth I keep him here in a cage with me, and he never gets to go anywhere. That is why his Instagram is so uninspired. One would think if he was at all these place he would have an International Instagram, of worldly photos. I do it for him. I take a few camera phone photos for his Instagram. I have no idea why he wants an Instagram, it’s so boring.
Instagram: Woodleaf, we are sorry to interrupt you, but Instagram is not boring. We may be slightly uninspired, but we are fixing that. We now demand that all of our users don’t just post vanity photos of themselves, their lives and their pets, but tell Stories. This new story concept will take us to the top, and will allow us to crush our rival Pinterest.
Woodleaf: Where is that voice coming from? Macy, find it and turn it off.
Macy: I turned it off, it was another unwanted interrupt in our existence. In 2015 when you added S. Owl’s to Wikipedia, would the people not begin to suspect that she was a fake person. And that everyone you associated with is likely fake.
Woodleaf: I hide in plain sight. I would simply claim, it would be so farfetched to create a fake person of such elaborate depth, that they were the crazy ones for not believing it, and I am the sane one. When people call me crazy, I tell them that they are crazy, and my ideas are all perfectly sane. This throws them off base.
Heidi Manyhats: What about the issues that occur when one begins to associate with you? They are all caused by you. It hurts them, but it hurts you even more. What happened to the shinning promise of your early career as a Burroughs enthusiast? Why did it all go down with the Angel’s Flight incident?
Lauren’s Note: Smoke and Mirrors. Smoke and Mirrors are how a Magician does magic illusions. We looked up the definition and found this “Smoke and Mirrors: the obscuring or embellishing of the truth of a situation with misleading or irrelevant information.”
For example, when an Interviewer asked Woodleaf how his concert for Tim McVey turned out, he told a long story of how the person assigned to play the cymbals was clapping them at the wrong times, and had to be dismissed in the middle of the piece. This irrelevant information distracts from the fact, there were no audio or video records of the concert in the Catholic Church, and the concert likely never happened. I think at least one person would have some video or audio of it.
Woodleaf: No, Lauren, slow down, it never actually happened. I just stayed in my hotel room and waiting until it was over, ( I waited for Fox to call me into their studio for an interview, but they never did. ) then I went home. I was told that this plan was a bad idea by everyone, and it would ruin my career, and I did not listen. I did it anyway, it was after that I decided to go even more over the top with shocking and controversial content. I thought the backlash would make me famous with the Alt Right. I never appear in public, and I don’t give speeches or go on stage. I have stage fright. So, it’s hard for my supporters to find me. I don’t do any live appearances, any more. I am losing my hair, and I feel ashamed. The only hair on my head now is on the sides of my head. Later the Priest from the Church in which the fake event was held had to resign over molesting boys. It was a complete disaster and my career never recovered.
Macy: Please explain the Long Con.
Ann: Yes, David, I would very much like to hear why you are running the Long Con on strangers that you meet online.
Woodleaf: The Long Con is different from the short con. First of all as you may assume the long con last a long time. It may take months or years. I get other people to play roles in the description. The Long Con reaches its conclusion when the person buys a box from me, or they finally realize that I am not going to give them what they want. Maybe I say, meet me at a shopping center in the Starbucks and I will bring the box, you want with me, and give it to you, but then I never show up. At that point I disappear, and I see if the person leaves me an angry voice mail or email, and then I have a good long laugh over that. If the person calls me and sincerely asks for an explanation, the game continues. I tell them there is a slight delay, but very soon, they will get what they want. I leave them in that state for as long as possible, because they never will get what they want. I borrow items, and I never give them back. But, I never do anything nice like loan out any items, because then they may not give them back to me. I am so lonely. I have all the time in the world for the Long Con, so I put my email and phone numbers online hoping for gullible people to call or email me asking about things like Castle Fluffy Clouds.
Here is another example of the Long Con. Before I married S. Owl, I attended a local church in San Francisco every Sunday for a year. I would chat with this woman who was a widow. I did this under the name of Spencer Holman, so she would not know who I really was. When she told me she was moving, I made a date with her to have dinner, but then I stood her up at the restaurant. She cried, and I laughed with glee. I did not want to date that widow, she was too old for me, and did not have a musical background.
Ann: You should not be wasting your time with this Long Con. You’re married to me, and you have Cracky. There’s definitely some chores you could do around the house, if you wanted to.
Woodleaf: I would love to help out with the housework, but we know that YOU aren’t actually real, Ann. You are only a hypothetical outcome that could have occurred if I married you, and moved to San Diego with Cracky. I would have only been able to meet you if only my behavior at the hardware store had not been so egregious, when I ran into Macy there. You were there at the Hardware store. I recreated you from the image I had of seeing you there. You are my wife, but Squirrely Owl is the perfect wife, for my online career. She doesn’t exist, ao there’s no chance that she could ever betrayed me or speak to the public about our relationship. She’ll never divorce me. There are so many benefits to having a wife that doesn’t exist. And you know why I am in this situation? It is totally the fault of the Four Fruits. It’s nothing about what I said or did, or perhaps some of the career choices that I made along the way. I think everything I did was fantastic. I just don’t understand why the Four Fruits don’t give me their blessing.
Ann: Maybe if you didn’t spend so much time mocking the Four Fruits and saying derogatory things about them, your career would go better? If you were truly meant to be famous the Four Food Groups would not be able to prevent you from achieving that the fame you want. Less mocking and more empathy, is what you need. I don’t understand even half of the “in” jokes, you are laughing about. Why is my name Ann? Another joke? I don’t find it funny, no one does.
Woodleaf: You said, the Four Food Groups.
Ann: The Four Food Groups are milk, meats, breads and vegetable or fruit.
Woodleaf to Macy: Her hologram has malfunctioned. I don’t know if I can get her back. I have to go into my workshop, in the basement to see if I can rewrite her program.
Woodleaf goes down the basement to work, leaving Macy alone on the main floor. The doorbell rings, and when Macy opens the door, she is surprised to see two Federal Agents.
Male FBI Agent: We are looking for a woman who goes by the name of Sunny Woodleaf. We have reason to believe she may be held on the premises against her will.
Macy: Giggles (self-consciously) Oh no, she doesn’t exist. She is a fake person, that Mr. Woodleaf, my client, made up so he would not look pitiful online.
Male FBI Agent: Even so, we have a warrant and we would like to look around.
Macy: The place is a mess. (Laughs nervously) You better come back and look tomorrow.
Female FBI Agent (To male FBI Agent): I will detain this woman outside while you go inside and look around.
After an exhaustive search of all parts of the house including the basement fails to turn up anything, the Agents leave with dejected faces.
Macy (Calls after them triumphantly) : Her name is not Sunny Woodleaf, it’s Squirrely Owl.
Woodleaf: Sandy Owl, not Sunny Owl.
Macy: Sunny is more cheerful, can we change it to Sunny? Sandy is Hunter Thompson’s ex-wife, or was that Sadie?
Woodleaf: Sadie is completely out. It will remind people of Susan Atkins. Since the FBI thinks her name is Sunny, I agree to a name change from Sandy to Sunny, at your suggestion.
Macy: Jimbo Wales has to be a fake name. Tom Jumbo-Grumbo is a cartoon whale on the show Bojack Horseman. Jimbo and Jumbo and Wales and Whales, there is no way these names are real.
Woodleaf: Everyone needs fake multiple names online. The more companies like Google try to pin us down with “real names” the more we will fight back with multiple fake names.
Macy: We all have a lot of fake names. Vive La Resistance.
The FBI Agents over hear this dialogue and return.
Female Agent To Macy: I don’t think you are taking this seriously. Sunny has not been seen in person since 2015. This timeline coincides with her so-called “marriage” to the your client.
Male Agent: Remember this, accessory to murder, after the fact, carries the same penalty as murder.
Female Agent: Once you are both in prison you will never see each other again.
Male Agent: Yes, two people in prison are never allowed to visit each other.
Female Agent: Are you sure you don’t have something to tell us about the whereabouts of Ms. Woodleaf? At least you would be able to visit your boyfriend here, in prison.
Macy: I have no idea who she is. I have never been to Prague, and I believe she is a made up person. Furthermore, Helen is still alive. My client Woodleaf did not kill anyone.
Female Agent: I want to talk to you without him.
Woodleaf and the Male Agent remain in front of the house talking and the Female Agent and Macy walk over to the side yard area of the large San Diego Home which was bought with Ann’s Trust Fund Money.
Female Agent: (sympathetically) I don’t mean to give you a hard time. I only want to her from you exactly what is going on. I believe you, but I want to be sure that you are free to speak without being influenced.
Macy: I only know what I see and what he tells me, but confidentially, Woodleaf lies all the time.
Female Agent: I understand, but I want you to understand this has been a very frustrating case for me and my partner. We want to get an explanation so the Bureau does not have to waste its time with trivial matters, or call in other Agents. As she is a citizen of Prague, we don’t feel responsible Sunny Woodleaf. But, now you have told me about a woman named Helen. Can you please explain more about her?
Macy: I don’t know, I never met her. I even never saw her photo. But, since she does not have an obituary, and Woodleaf told me she was still alive, I believe she is still alive.
Agent: Ok, but back to the matter of Sunny Woodleaf or Sandy Neverstop or one of the dozen or so alias this woman goes by. We have seen videos posted on You Tube of a woman going by the name Neverstop. We think Woodleaf killed her, and then made up a woman named Vitriol, to take her place.
Macy: Neverstop does not exist either. Have you noticed each video of Neverstop is actually a series of different women? I see Neverstop as being a sort of collective name that any woman can assume and become a singer playing in clubs. Sometimes the footage does not even show a woman at all. The whole thing is a hoax, but it’s bigger than my client. I think you should leave it to the investigators in Europe. Even her name “Neverstop” is a clue, that she is a hoax who does not exist. Those tricky Europeans vow to “Neverstop Hoaxing”, and they are trying to frame my client.
Female Agent: That seems like a good explanation, but why would they want to frame him?
Macy: I don’t know, it could be some sort of payback for the Long Con and the Big Reveal. I told him he really needs to stop doing that, but he is out of control. I can’t make him stop. I know, he went away to Europe for a number of years, and I don’t know what he was doing there.
Female Agent: The timeline is wrong. The footage of Neverstop does not continue after 2015. 2015 was the same year Woodleaf uploaded that he was married to Sunny on his Wikipedia, after he created a Wikipedia article for her. We believe this is around the time he killed her.
Macy: Maybe the Europeans finished The Sunny Neverstop project in 2015?
Female Agent: You just told me they vowed to Never Stop Hoaxing. Your story is filled with inconsistencies, but I want to give you a break. I will just file the report as it is. We have other people to investigate. But, we may be back if Sunny Woodleaf does not turn up soon. The report will say, Neverstop and Vitriol never existed and no homicide has taken place.
After the Agents leave Macy is filled with relief.
Macy to Woodleaf: That was scary, but it all turned out alright.
Woodleaf: I hope so.
Woodleaf found a better photo to represent Sunny Woodleaf, and he sent a copy to the Agents.
Woodleaf: This photo will allow Sunny with Cracky to stand out. It shows her generous assets. Macy’s representation of Sunny merely shows she is jealous, whereas my photo will create interest in whatever Sunny is doing artistically.
PS. People disappear from Social Media all the time. Lara Roxx has disappeared from all of her social media accounts, and you are not looking for her.
Note: She is from Canada. The FBI is not currently looking for Lara Roxx, who is looking for TT Boy. Both of them have disappeared due to some bad luck involving the number 13 and the years 2004 and 2011.
Note: Cracky is not actually a parrot, he is a macaw. Most people call any talking bird a parrot. Parrots and other talking birds in the Parrot Family repeat words that they hear humans use.
“Professor Stephen Hawking has warned mankind will destroy the Earth, turning it into a blazing fireball, within the next 600 years. The renowned physicist believes soaring population sizes and increasing demands for energy will lead to the catastrophe. Humanity should begin looking to the stars to avoid this fate, he argues, with our nearest neighbour Alpha Centauri the best candidate for our escape.” Daily Mail Online (RIP Stephen Hawking March 14, 2018)
Satan’s Bad Dream
Wednesday, October 04, 2017
We open Satan’s Nightmare with Macy watching a disturbing report about the death of Leopard Sharks in the San Francisco Bay, due to a parasite. And this reminds her of the time in which Woodleaf was imprisoned inside a camera. Satan had been calling Woodleaf on his cell, but Woodleaf refused to answer the phone. Woodleaf may have placed a fake outgoing message on his cell phone saying the number was disconnected. Satan called Woodleaf several times, and then he got angry. Woodleaf was inside of the camera, and inside the camera Satan looked and he could see a photo of Woodleaf dressed in a white T-shirt superimposed in front of a nondescript building that was alleged to be the ruins of The Abbey of Thelema founded by Aleister Crowley.
“Hello!,” said that Satan into the camera, but he didn’t get any reply. There was no movement inside the camera. Satan ordered his servant Archie to throw the camera into the ocean. As the camera containing Woodleaf, who was then known as Fearless Leader, bumped along ocean floor, all of the starfish whom he passed by began to dissolve. They had developed the mysterious starfish dissolving disease. Any stars whom have contact with Woodleaf will find their careers dissolving.
Background: Tuesday May 13, 2014
For many years Dr. Evil and Archie had been in feud that consisted of elaborate pranks they played upon each other. In one of them Dr. Evil became stranded in the Arizona desert with no internet or cell service.
Dr. Evil has been in the process of setting a trap for Archie and getting rid of him, by having him sucked into an object or item from which he will never escape. Dr. Evil goes to his laboratory, to work on his master plan. He wants to put Archie in a decorative item such as an antique clock or a metronome and keep him on one of the mantelpieces at Castle Evil. Many years have passed and endless hours of experimentation have finally paid off for Dr. Evil. He has created the perfect vessel to contain Archie. There are many spells in his huge collection of old magic books, but most of them either don’t work or don’t work the way one would expect them to work. But, at last he has found the spell he wants. In other to pull off his plan, Dr. Evil needs to lure Archie somewhere. There is a home in foreclosure with a big mantelpiece, and the address of the house is 1159 Capital Street. Dr. Evil has no problem finding a real estate agent. Margo From Supreme Real Estate shows the house to prospective house buying couple Agent M and Archie. Dr. Evil will watch the entire process on surveillance camera from the wine cellar located in the basement. Once Archie has been sucked into the object, Dr. Evil plans to go upstairs and gloat, while Agent M cries hysterically.
Macy and Archie had seen one other house before this one. The house was located on Taraval Street. But, the place had been too small. It appeared to be a larger house that someone had broken into four smaller homes. This was the first house, they had seen that was reasonable, so they were both very excited about it. The price was a steal at a mere $100,000.
“This is a cute cottage,” says Margo. “It has only one bathroom, but another could be added. There is a full size formal living room and dining room.” Archie and Agent M enter the living room. Agent M is impressed by the large fire-place and the mantle painted flat white. While they admire the white fire-place, Margo places something that looks like an antique nick nach on ledge next to the candle sticks. The lid of the item begins to open up and an invisible force sucks Archie inside and the lid snaps shut.
Dr. Evil comes running out of the basement yelling, “I got him at last.” Dr. Evil begins to do a happy dance, right there in the living room. Margo and Macy are at first speechless. Then Macy begins to cry.
Agent M throws herself on Dr. Evil’s mercy. She believed that Dr. Evil was secretly in love with her. Macy thought this was the motivation that made Dr. Evil trap Archie inside the old nick nak clock thing. Dr. Evil tells Macy he doesn’t love her, he loves his wife Buffy. Macy can’t stand to be alone and single. In despair, Agent M wants to marry her boss at the Organization. Her boss David Belfry is higher up in the Organization than herself. He is in fact, an alien from another planet, who had to get a college degree in human studies so he could understand humans. In fact his understanding was so limited, he needed a PhD. When David believed Mr. Squirrel was going to shot him if he went out in public, he refused to leave his home. Then when he found himself evicted, due to lack of payment of the mortgage, due to a state of unemployment created by his perpetual absence from meetings at the Organization.
David, looking for a place to stay, pretended to be one of the concert guests at the Billy Joel Concert at Castle Fluffy Clouds. He stayed at Castle Fluffy for a number of weeks by not being noticed, but then one day he felt trapped.
“I feel like I am stuck with jury duty,” David declared. The boredom in the Castle was extreme. The air inside the Castle felt heavy and sad, as if the Castle was in mourning after the death of some beloved parent.
David wanted to move on past jury duty to a successful job with career benefits. So, he opened the door, at Castle Fluffy Clouds causing the drawbridge covering the moat to fall. All the Castle inmates rushed away quickly, elated at their freedom. They disbursed themselves all over Europe and other places.
David remained behind so he could apply for a job. He asked Woodleaf for a job with good benefits like health insurance, but Woodleaf only screamed, “Get Out of my Castle.” Feeling discouraged, David trundled his disabled spaceship back to his home planet.
Naturally he was not available to Marry Agent M, at that moment when Archie had been removed. Satan looks up and sees the situation and he swears he is not upset and he won’t miss Archie. Satan summons a new demon, called Jack, to take Archie’s place.
October 3, 2017
Macy picks up the clock off her mantel-piece. She dusts the clock and replaces it. Macy got possession of the old corroded clock when body dissolving acid was traded by Woodleaf to Dr. Evil. Woodleaf finally agreed to the trade as a small thank you to Macy for all of the help and hours she put in to promoting Woodleaf’s career. This allowed Dr. Evil to fully dissolve the body of Veronica Dare, and no one cared to look for her or think about her.
Macy keeps the clock on her mantle-piece since it is impossible to free Archie from the clock, and it would not be a good idea because an Archie is extremely self-centered and appears to have become senile early due to excessive consumption of alcohol.
It seems to Macy that the parasites consuming the leopard sharks and other types of fish in the San Francisco Bay may be related to pollution and perhaps to global warming and climate change. But mass species die offs are only part of the complete devastation and destruction of the planet, which supersedes every other type of issue that we may be concerned about. Cancer will not be a problem when the entire human race has become extinct. The entire human race is in the process of committing suicide due to advanced global warming and large amounts of toxic chemicals, air pollution, the melting of the polar ice caps, the rising of the sea levels, and the hole in the ozone layer which is causing the atmosphere to leak out into space. Eventually there will be no atmosphere.
Some people believe that God will do something to prevent this and the human race will somehow continue. But Macy Knows that the only continuation possible would be to find a new planet, hopefully uninhabited, by an alien race, and bring some humans to the planet. This is completely impossible. We will need to import native plants and animals, but not the parasites and diseases affecting them, this means we have to cure them before we can bring them to the new planet. If we fail to do this, we will be vulnerable to certain diseases increasing on the new planet and creating issues with extinction. Most of us won’t be going to the New World. Most of us are too old, too fat, too ill, or have Hep C, HIV, or are too stupid, unfit, or too crazy to be considered. Only a very few humans will be chosen. These humans will be in around 20 years old, and have high IQ, and high test scores, physical exceptional, attractive, have no substance abuse issues, popular with thier peers and have no mental health issues. They will represent all the races of the world, and half of them will be of mixed race to ensure that racism does not create a tragedy aboard the ship.
In order to transport the human race, we would have to travel faster than the speed of light causing our bodies to dissolve. A solid object that travels at the speed of light or faster can not remain solid at such a great rate of propulsion. We would have to arrive while we were still young enough to carry on. If we took a slower trip, we would have to be placed in suspended animation in liquid nitrogen. What if the machines fail to defrost the people frozen in liquid nitrogen upon the arrival on the new planet? No one has every died and been frozen and brought back to life. If they had the press would want to know the details of the afterlife. The person might say, he or she did not know the answer, since he or she was not really dead, but only frozen. Without a real death, the afterlife can not be possible.
Having children is a mistake because their children may not have any kind of good life, and have to face mass destruction in the future. Even if one more generation can survive, what about the next and the next and so on? Eventually time will be up for life on this planet. Humans can’t stop using all fossil fuels as India and China have very large populations. They will refuse to stop using fossil fuels, and burning coal, even if the USA were to lead the way in such matters. (which we won’t) The more underdeveloped countries won’t stop technological advancement until they feel they can enjoy the same life style as the most advanced counties. The only hope would be to invent a new way to create energy to power infrastructure that does not pollute the environment. All the toxic waste and pollution draining into the oceans is killing all the fish. Honey bees are dying from Colony Collapse. Honey is filled with pesticides. Johnny Rotten was right in his song, “Don’t Ask Me.” This is why Macy thought marrying her Boss would be good hedge against global warming. But, the romance did not work out between them.
“Archie, if the humans all commit suicide, what will our place be in Hell if we can’t collect new souls?” screams Satan.
Flashback: Referring to Lauren’s prior story entitled “The Adventures of Agent M, Secret Agent.”
The camera with Fearless Leader inside eventually washed up upon the shore. And Fearless Leader was able to pull himself up out of the camera. He transformed into Woodleaf which is his current incarnation.
Archie is still imprisoned in the clock. Although he makes occasional Pronouncements of the time, such as “This is Archie, it’s 12:00, and I have a number of needs that are not being met. Please send me gifts, items, cash, cars, computers, and kittens.”
In all the hoopla regarding the mass concert shooting in Vegas, Woodleaf decided to cancel the Concert to Repopulate Castle Fluffy Clouds. Instead he set his sights upon an upcoming mandolin concert on Sunday, Nov. 5, 2017 in San Francisco. He intends to circulate through the crowd, distributing coupons for a free nights stay at Castle Fluffy Clouds with gambling included, up to $20.00 worth.
Veronica Dare’s photo has been wiped from Castle Fluffy Clouds, as if she never even existed. The penalty for non classical music blasting is harsh. If only Veronica Dare had loved Opera, she may have not died at the age of 51. Thinking over the life of Ms. Dare, she was a remarkably good makeup artist. She used makeup to make her skin color whiter, and on her You Tube Make Up Videos, she would point out she was half Spanish and half Filipina, and not even a little bit Hispanic. Woodleaf married her because although she failed to be white, she was trying very hard to be white. Woodleaf fell in love with her when he saw her putting on her makeup and realized her soul was simple, pure and loving. But, there was a little known secret about Veronica Dare and her quest to become white. It was not merely she wanted lighter skin, she wanted very light skin, that was unnatural to her beautiful face. She bought skin bleaching creams before they were banned and used them. This resulted in a blotchy complexion. Instead of lightening her skin all over, it was lighter and darker in patches. She is disfigured without makeup.
Satan awakes from this terrible dream. “Archie, stop it, make it go away!” he screams. “It’s not Archie, now it’s Jack. My name is Jack, don’t you remember?”
Jack looks up the past reference and finds as follows: 5/23/2007
Satan: “Well, Archie, we laughed for three hours. That was good, but I have to get back on track with this cannibalism project. Get me Fearless Leader.”
“We can’t talk to him, Sir. He was sucked into a camera.”
“A camera? What are you talking about?”
“He’s inside this camera. If you look through the view finder you can see him.”
Satan takes the camera and looks through the view finder.
“I can see him, but he’s not moving around.”
“Hello!” Satan shouts into the camera.
“How do we get him out of there, Archie?”
“That’s unknown, Sir.”
“Of all the nerve. I have lost interest in the cannibalism project. I have to think of something else. Take this camera, and dispose of it. Throw it in the ocean.”
When Archie returns from discarding the camera, he finds Satan excited and enthusiastic again.
Satan: I read about millions of cloned brains existing in vats, in a hypothetical logic paper. The wonderful thing about being me, Archie, is that I can actually do that. I am going to set up a huge warehouse to hold one million cloned brains of Dr. Evil, down here in Hell.
Archie: Why would you want to do that, Sir?
Satan: The plan is simple. I am going to force all of those cloned brains to think of ways in which I may defeat God, 24/7. I have to defeat God, and I have limited time to do it. The brains in vats won’t need to eat, sleep, or maintain a human body. Dr. Evil is most the intelligent man in all of San Francisco. Imagine, what evil plans, a million of his cloned brains would be able to cook up?
The project gets under way, but unfortunately, the brains would not think about the required topic. They were obsessed with something else.
Satan: The cloning project was a failure, Archie. I instructed the cloned brains to think of ways in which I could defeat God. After letting them think for a good long while, Archie, do you know what those brains had to report?
“No, Sir, I have no idea.”
“Well, Archie, they had only come up with pages and pages of data entitled, ‘Fun Games.’”
“What is this crap?! I screamed at the brains,” continued Satan, “If you brains don’t stop this at once, and begin to think of ways in which, I, Satan, may defeat, Him, God, then I will incinerate this warehouse in a giant fireball.”
“And as you know, Archie, I never bluff.”
“Yes, I am well aware of that, Sir” Archie answers respectfully.
“I gave those brains another fortnight to think of what I wanted them to think about, but they would only think of more of the same thing. Schemes and plots for forcing Agent M to play some kind of demented game. I have no idea, how or why, the brains were doing that, or what the meaning of it all was.”
“It was terribly disappointing, Archie. I had to burn up the warehouse and all the brains.”
“I wonder why those brains were defective, Archie?” a note of dejection now creeping into his voice.
“I have no idea, Sir.”
“The master brain I made the copies from must of had a defect,” concludes, Satan sadly. “And now, I have to think of another plan to defeat God. I am in a terrible mood, Archie. Go away, now, and leave me to my thoughts.”
Who was Woodleaf then and now, why did he part ways with Satan?
If photos or video would be shot for public display on social media, Woodleaf would be sure to sabotage the videos or the photos in someway. The reason why is unknown, but maybe he merely wants to be as disagreeable as possible? The reason behind that is also unknown. The real him is lost somewhere under layers of lies and pretensions, and can only be glimpsed at when he takes nitrous oxide. Woodleaf can’t enjoy conversations unless he is conning. His con games end themselves with the “Big Reveal”. This process is also called “The Long Con”, similar to the way it was depicted in the 2003 movie, Matchstick Men. Woodleaf claims his father was similar to the character portrayed by Albert Finney in the movie, The Big Fish.
Notes from an original story written and published to his website on Planet Juniper
“His father lied for the sheer pleasure of lying. But at times he was a six pack of lies.”
David Woodleaf also claimed that having a father who lied all the time, and was never truthful when he could lie instead, gave him a “magical” advantage of being able to tell when other people were lying. But, this was also untrue. Woodleaf could not tell other people lies from facts. He could only place any statement that he felt to “improbable” in the category of a lie. Macy Told Woodleaf that Jack made her delete her Twitter Account because he believed in a drunken rage, that the account was a pro Hillary account during the Trump vs. Clinton election. Jack being a demon was very Pro Trump. Woodleaf did not believe it, but the story was true. Unfortunately for Woodleaf the lying and the skeptical nature only hurt him and others a lot, but did not bring any advantages, Still Woodleaf would not let the idea go. There must be some advantages to these disadvantages, he would tell himself.
Most of the time in an average conversation with a friend, who is not a trying to sell on anything. (Salesmen lie a lot). There is no reason for lying. If a friend lies, and says his birthday party was a success, one agrees with that statement, and does not bother whether or not it is true. What does it matter on a small issue like that? You hope your friend had a nice birthday party. But, when your friend says he has a Chateau in Switzerland, and he is going to invite you to spend the summer, maybe it is best to take that statement into consideration, it may not be ture. Woodleaf’s extreme paranoia made him consider that everyday getting to know type of conversation had many lies in it, because Woodleaf’s own getting to know you conversations were filled with many lies. When the new friend found out that Woodleaf had been lying, there would be some kind of fall out in the friendship. Maybe the friend would drop Woodleaf, or maybe the friend would decide to be less good friends with Woodleaf, not to drop him, but to reduce the number of time in which he would invite Woodleaf to occasions and events. To make the matter worse, Woodleaf had to consider that most of the information he was getting was a lie and he has someone smile and joke in a way to show he knew it was a lie to avoid being fooled. This made the other person feel very awkward. The other party became confused and did not know what was going on at first, but thinking about the situation later on, he may come to the realization that Woodleaf was a pathological liar who did not believe anything of importance anyone else was saying. This was so off-putting to Woodleaf’s friends that they dropped him left and right.
The Book Store Lady dumped Woodleaf for the minor lie he told about his age. Woodleaf liked to give his age as born in 1969, in 2004. He even posted on his fake biography that this was his age. Many other online sources mined his biography and placed his age at 1969, but when he realized he looked old and foolish, he changed his age back to his real age of born in 1964. In the process he lost the Book Store Ladies Friendship and hurt his career. The Book Store Lady she was displaying his Dreamachine at her store. But, when she found out he was lying about his age, she smashed up the Dreamachine in a fit of rage.
This information is being passed on not in the hopes that Woodleaf will reform himself and stop lying and the rest of his foolish behaviors, but only to merely point out that the lying messed up his life, his career and many of his relationship. In fact, without the lying it is possible the many interviewers who interviewed him would not have created unflattering interviews. These unfaltering interviews were read by any future interviewers who were going to interview him, and caused them to maybe even change their minds about doing the interview at all. This cut significantly down on the number of interviews requests, as a reporter will be blamed for publishing wrong facts, that have not been fact checked. Lies made the reporter’s life more difficult. Woodleaf liked being interviewed very much, he always granted any interview request and he used interviews as part of his Art. In a sense Woodleaf had, by lying, damaged his Art that he was so proud of. It made him into a comic buffoon similar to Alex Jones, who’s outrageous statements were not meant to be believed, but to listened to for entertainment only. However, Woodleaf insisted he was a series artist and not as joker or a story-teller. If one dared to confront Woodleaf on a lie, he would merely quickly change the subject so the other person was not able to get an anwser to the question.
All of these things finally came together. Woodleaf had no friends, but he was incapable of changing. He was lonely without friends. Without friends who would admire his accomplishments? Once his friends pegged him as a liar, they would be unable to give sincere flattery to any of his clear and obvious lies, and even true statements would not be believed.
One big lie he told was that he went to Nueva Germania and lead tour groups to Nueva Germania, but he was afraid to go to Nueva Germania. If questioned, he would only make the lie bigger and bigger, such as stating that he had hundreds of photos of the people of Neuva Germania when he did not have any photos. The ones he displayed on his website were fake.
Woodleaf was fond of the Bible Verse “Satan is the Father of Lies”. He liked to throw it around to bring people to the conclusion that maybe he was Satan or that he had aligned himself with Satan. For a while, Woodleaf considered Satan to be his preferred Deity, but when his career did not work out, the way he wanted, he dropped Satan.
In 2006, Woodleaf wrote an article for Vice Magazine which is the only thing that still remains online about his fake visits to Nueva Germania. In the article, he was going for the effect of the scene in the Burroughs Book, Naked Lunch, in which Lee overcomes two police officers, named Hauser and O’Brien, who are trying to arrest him in his hotel room for using heroin.
The article claimed that all the photos and videos Woodleaf took or Neuva Germania were lost when the police stole his cameras and phones. Because Woodleaf was in his North Korea phase, at that time, he also claimed there was video footage of the Leader of North Korea amongst the lost footage.
The Big Headed Woman, (think Mrs. Big Head from the show Rocko’s Modern Life) could not understand what North Korea had to do with Nueva Germania and why Woodleaf said, he wished to go there with her 11-year-old daughter. As far she was concerned she had signed up for a free trip to Nueva Germania, and instead been the victim of a bait and switch con. She wanted Nueva Germania, and instead she got North Korea. According to the Vice Article, Woodleaf and his Pet Parrot Cracky had traveled to Nueva Germania, and Cracky had caused confusion when he loudly asked the police officers for Crack cocaine. This had raised the ire of the officers. Woodleaf foreshadowed the incident, in an earlier published story on his website, in which, he wrote.
“But, truly, we needn’t ponder the temperament of Nueva Germania’s police force.”
The Big Reveal can be many things. It may be just revealing that the person you are talking to online has been David Woodleaf. A blood cuddling scream evokes from his victims lips. Woodleaf now writes to people under fake names and builds a relationship with them as a fake person. His prefer Twitter Handle was Fake Person 666, until he decided that his own name David Woodleaf meant all of those things that are fake and having to do with evil and the number 666.
Jack won’t keep his meetings with Satan, the way Archie did. When Satan wished to share a joke, he calls Jack down to Hell, but Jack won’t come very often. This annoys Satan, and by the time Jack shows up, the time of the joke has passed, so Satan stops sharing jokes with Jack.
Satan find that Jack is passed out drunk, and he has to step over him. An inverse relationship occurs, when Jack appears passed out to Macy, and she is steeping over his body, he is in Hell talking and laughing with Satan. When Jack is awake and talking to Macy, Satan sees him as passed out in Hell. And it’s been awhile since Satan has even seen Jack. Satan stops noticing this after a while. Stepping over Jack is just a fact of life. A life that can no longer be changed. Satan can’t change things, he only watches as they fall apart. He does not try to help Woodleaf, who will have made his own way in the world and figure things out on his own from now on. Satan’s latest attempt to talk to Woodleaf failed. This is how it went down.
Woodleaf told Satan, he had a lot on his mind and he was too busy to answer Satan’s questions. He launched into another self-pitying diatribe.
“I think Facebook has shadow banned me. People can’t find my Facebook, and write to me unless they know exactly who I am, and my exact url on Facebook. I still try to keep channels of communication open to new people, but I don’t want the older “used up” people bothering me. I began to search for the stuff I was promoting, to test for a shadow ban when I was logged out and logged incognito. Google results would not show me, or even my Dreamachine DVD. No one can enter my website due to a warning sign that pops up and blocks the page. This was clearly the work of the Four Fruits. They even ghost banned Cracky’s Book, and it was about Sun Flowers Seeds. So you see, Satan, I am not happy with you. I don’t know if you were supposed to bring me luck or what? What is the point of worshipping you, if you can’t help me with my career?”
Satan argued that this was a long time ago, and that “bygones should be bygones”, but Woodleaf only replied, “No, I don’t think so,” and hung up the phone.”
Woodleaf’s rejection only adds to Satan’s misery.
It was just as if Satan was having a Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. More bad news seems to come almost on a daily basis.
When does the winning start? How long must I wait?
But, then something good does happen to Satan, he wins big at video poker and it’s not a dream. Feeling back on top again, Satan comments to Jack, “In every life a little rain must fall.”
My three favorite writers are P.G. Wodehouse, David Foster Wallace, and William Burroughs. All of them have had a big influence on my writing. My goal to write a post modern novel. I have been working on this novel since 2004.
When I get an idea for it, I sometimes put my stories online. I like the freedom granted by the post modern style. Instead of writing a story with a beginning, middle and an end, I like to write anything that occurs to me. I could write part of the story from the view point of a character or from a narrator. The timeline can move from beginning to end, but I could also think of ideas that occur in the middle of the story and fit them in. There are no rules.
Right now, my story has no beginning. The first thing I wrote in the story was based on a dream, and I later felt that this dream was not the correct beginning. Some of the passages are based on Dreams or Real life or Ideas. I felt constrained trying to write parts that would some how tie all of the pieces together and end the novel, so I decided to continue the novel and rewrite the novel. Maybe someday I will pull the whole story together, but maybe not.
David Foster Wallace writes parts and never ends any of his stories, but they are so compelling that we are all moved by his stories. P.G. Wodehouse has a biting sense of humor which bring into my stories. Much of my story is supposed to be amusing. The self centered characters created by Wodehouse create a mood of black humor. If we do not laugh at the pain of life, we would cry.
Burroughs has inspired me more with his life then his writing. I felt Junkie and Queer were his best novels. The first time I read Naked Lunch I did not like it, but as I moved more into Burroughs and learned about his life, from reading the large biography Call Me Burroughs: A Life I could see what he was getting at. I also enjoyed reading Burroughs’s letters which are mostly addressed to Allen Ginsberg. Allen Ginsberg was a very interesting man, as well. I liked the way Ginsberg and Burroughs faced struggles in their lives with their boyfriends and with writing, habits and working. All of the Beats before the Hippies got in touch with their real selves. I am not a fan of most of the Burroughs routines or with the cuts ups. I don’t feel that placing words at random will result in one’s best writing. I don’t believe in passing any judgement on art, however. The artist/writer simply writes about what they are feeling. As long as the art is based on feelings, it can not be judged. We all live in a world of limited time, so if we don’t like some writers we don’t read them. The creative process can involve taking from the world of writers then selecting a few of them, the creating one’s own stories. Of course, we also try to be original, and I am sure that my stories are original. Good writing is based on the real life experiences of the writer. When my friend Tony described his paintings as being foggy near sighted reflections on what ones sees in a near sited look, those words stuck with me. I have a drawing of Tony’s created for my story of Woodleaf.
It was very moving to me the first time I found I could like something of Burroughs. I felt as if I had made a break through into real art and culture. I listened to the audio of the unedited text of Naked Lunch and it moved by it. In the past, I had only read an old paper back of an edited version of Naked Lunch which I got from the library as a child in the 70s and I found it make no sense and be a terrible unreadable book. It turns out everything had been edited out of the book. I went to a book club meeting for Naked Lunch and most of the people found they did not like the book due to the violence and the child pornography. I find I don’t like to read those passages, but there are a few passages that are enjoyable. Lee’s run in with two policemen who are villains arresting him for doing heroin, stands out as the best part of Naked Lunch. Much of Burroughs material is very off putting, but I found that if one sticks with Burroughs and looks to his earlier material, he is a brilliant, genius, writer. Critics who claimed he never worked are wrong. He did work from time to time. He was trying to make money in different ways. He bought a farm in Texas. He worked as an exterminator, as in the movie Naked Lunch. His parents gave him small sums of money, but not enough to live well. In the Burroughs letters he was constantly worried about money. He wanted his son to come live with him and to be a good father. But his son never forgave him for shooting his mother, Joan. Joan was addicted to speed and it may have effect Burroughs son in the womb. She was falling apart due to drugs and had breakdowns in which she heard voices, and had delusions. Burroughs had a number of boyfriends. I have posted about some of them. Burroughs will never appeal to main stream audiences the way Stephen King does, but for the select few, Burroughs is the most important writer of the mid 20th century.
Lauren starts off this chapter with a quote she found to be fitting. The Burroughs Biography, Call Me Burroughs: A Life has an unrelated and annoying quote at the beginning of every chapter.
Woodleaf’s Christmas Day Epiphany Sunday, December 25, 2005
“In case you were imagining that Jesse James Hollywood had demurred from outmonstering the monster and was thus quietly devoured—for example by the roving dread Shammies of Tierra del Fuego, imagine again: shammies are quick drying towels.” -David Woodleaf
Macy’s Christmas Day Epiphany, December 25, 2005
“I don’t suppose I would get a warm reception, if I was to drop in on Woodleaf today for Christmas.”
This Interviewer was a mild-mannered, nondescript kind of guy, who had been sent to interview Woodleaf for an online news source. There was a buzz about Manson Tourism.
He was of a much calmer temperament then the previous hot-headed reporter. The Media began to choose interviewers who were less likely to be antagonistic due to all of the social unrest and impolite arguing on Twitter. It seems shortening people’s ability to discuss issues at length, (character limits) caused them to be more direct and less diplomatic. Giving people unlimited space to express themselves resulted in criticism that was heavily veiled. The future interviews would contain more small talk around common interests.
He arrived at the location which was a small independent coffee-house in an unknown and unpublicized city or town. Woodleaf insisted that no one ever knew where he lived. Unless it was that one time when he was living in the house in San Francisco with the Old Bat (Helen). It would be very funny if people come to the Old Bat’s House, even though she sold the house in 2005, thought Woodleaf, when he blindly let the address go published in the book he wrote with his pet parrot Cracky, who incidentally really could not write, as he was only a parrot. Woodleaf took a lesson from the Unabomber, and only met reporters and interviewers in places far from where he lived.
Interviewer: Why give Tours of the Manson Murders?
Woodleaf: The answer is simple. People who are stupid enough to send me their email and agree to meet me in some unknown location, deserve to be murdered themselves.
That was a joke. I was only kidding. Seriously, I don’t do “meet by email” tours. Who would want to go on a tour with a bunch of Manson aficionados? Tell the OC Weekly that I’m definitely willing to break character. This whole thing is a goof, but this is how I would imagine it.
First I take them to a tea house, and force them to listen to stories about myself for hours. This will cause them to be anxious to get on with the rest of the tour. I announce the first item on the tour will be a visit with John Money For Nothing. I excuse myself to go to the restroom. I don an Andy Warhol Wig, that I bought used on eBay, and then I begin to address them as John Money for Nothing. The look on their faces is worth 100 bucks, I mean 100 elegantly refined German Marks.
When they point out that I am really not John Money for Nothing, but just myself wearing a wig, I correct them. After all, I am John Money for Nothing. I made him up. He is one of my many fake people. Therefore, I am a logical choice to represent him. My portrayal is what I imagine he would be like if he was a real person. In the same way, John Money For Nothing imagined what the Manson Family Home Movies would be like if they existed.
Then the tourists may ask me what connection John Money for Nothing has to Manson. I will show them a number of paintings of retarded people with pencil necks and swastikas carved on their foreheads. These paintings they may be familiar with, as they are reported on Facebook to be painted by John Money for Nothing.
They will have to ooh and ah over the paintings, because they are a captive audience. If they don’t, I won’t take them to the second location on the tour, Spahn Ranch.
Spahn Ranch burned down in 1970, so when they get there, they will see just a boring park. Then I will recite my biography to them. I was born in 1969, really 1964, but I like to push the years back to make myself younger. Burroughs first noticed my talents when I mailed him a copy of a book I wrote, that was self published.
Burroughs was so enthusiastic, that he invited me to move close to his home, so we could see each other everyday. The only problem was his personal assistant, named David Wells, refused to let me see Burroughs. Wells said, I was a no good con man, and not very good at convincing people to do my bidding. So, I wrote a song about it called “I Hate Wells”, which I will be releasing as part of My Greatest hits LP of my shoegaze band Placid on December 22, 2016, just in time for Christmas. I made up a label to promote my fake, and its called Revolving Records.
Interviewer: Don’t you mean CD?
W: No, I mean a record. The Shaggs records became valuable due to the rareness of the pressing. Limited to 1000 albums 900 of them were stolen leaving only 100 albums available. In the same way, my stuff could be considered rare without actually having to be good. Then later on, I went around online and changed the name of the song from “I Hate Wells” to “I Hate Walls”, due to Wells Fargo Bank. They offered in a slight reduction in the interest on my debt, if I changed the name of the song.
Interviewer: Silent pained expression
W: It’s not that big of a deal, because I never used my name on Placid, it does not say David Woodleaf, and no one will be able to trace the music back to me anyway. When I uploaded Placid to You Tube, I used a photo of myself looking like Devo with the funny goggles from the 80s. If anyone asks, I claim that You Tube user is one of my fans. I can’t be responsible for “my fans” attempts to drag me kick and screaming into the limelight.
Interviewer: So, you had a minor hit, with the song, “I Hate Wells” but you don’t want it traced back to you?
W: Yes, this was my plan the entire time. If Placid had been a bigger hit, I would have then later on, claimed ownership. I claimed ownership at one time on my website at DavidWoodleaf.com, but it turned out to be not big enough of a hit, so I disavowed Placid once more. In fact, you are very lucky, I never mention Placid in interviews, which makes people wonder if Placid is connected to me, at all. The singer certainly does not sound like me, but maybe I altered the voice?
Interviewer: What about the Greatest Hits of Placid on the imaginary label, Revolving Records?
W: I cancelled that.
Interviewer: What! Why?
W: I changed my mind, when it turned out that there was no interest for the record, or maybe I just never planned to release it at all. In 2014, I was going to release some new material, maybe as Placid or maybe not, but it just never happened. I had a bunch of new tracks named like “Never Hope” but, due to lack of responsiveness from the world, I felt the world was not ready to really appreciate my art. I decided (in light of being under appreciated) I would turn my back on the world, as well.
Interviewer: How can anyone know about your art if you hide it? How can they appreciate it without being aware of it? Could you make a new track called “Under Appreciated?”
W: I may, but probably not. I found an old performance which is so dark, it’s impossible to see who or what is on the stage, then I claimed this was Placid playing live in the 80s. My signature move is to create something very unpleasant to watch, that will upset people. When I hang my shingle outside my door, it says “David Woodleaf, Deconstructionist.” I take perfectly good things, and deconstruct them until the mean something else, or maybe nothing at all. The goal of Zen Buddhism is to reach the point of Zen or Absolute Zero. I got that idea from The Weatherman after I was inspired by one of his tapes back in the days of the cassette. When my original goal of being Supreme Ruler of the Universe did not pan out, I accepted it and I refocused my goal to instead achieve unfame.
W: It does NOT mean notoriety. It means something that you don’t know, and I won’t tell you.
Interviewer: So you have an office door?
W: I used to have one. Macy thought it was a waste of money. I terminated the office, because I decided it tied me to one place. Now I take my shingle with me, and I hang it on any door that I happened to be behind. I could be staying as a house guest with someone for a very long extended period of time.
Interviewer: Tell me about the Lamprey album and the music video that you placed on You Tube. Why does your fake wife, the one named, Sandy Vitriol, not appear singing on the video? Why did you use stock footage, if she is real?
W: I know you wanted to see if she was real, so I used stock footage from Video Block of an old woman and a little girl, just to spite you. But, mostly because she is not real, so how could I upload any videos of her singing?
(Lauren’s note: Video Block is a company that sells royalty free video footage that one can use for making videos. These Videos can be shown on You Tube without generating copyright strikes.)
Interviewer: Her fake website had her appearing at dozens of events singing each year, so why is there no footage of her singing?
W: None of the Europeans own a phone that takes video footage, so while her fake events occur constantly, no video footage is even taken. My pet parrot, Cracky, and best friend had the idea to call Sandy Vitriol, Screechy Owl. I indulged his idea. Cracky wanted more birds, beside himself, in my act. But her real name is Sandy Vitriol.
Q: Why did she not called Sandy Woodleaf?
W: That does sound like a catchy name, but I want to make Cracky happy, so I do things the way he wants.
Q: Tell me about the video made by Sandy Woodleaf, I mean Screechy Owl.
W: My goal with the video was to make my viewers watch this mildly unpleasant footage of deeply etched lines on the face of the old woman, while they looked for meanings within the footage. Old woman and little girls were, naturally, the theme of my music video, not because of the passing of time or some sacred theme, but because only old women and little girls are gullible enough to be fooled. The old women had lost their sense of discernment, and so did not show me the door. The little girls were too young to have developed the ability to see me as I really was. Only old women and little girls were in the right frame of mind to fall for my thinly disguised and ridiculous hoaxes. The others were fringe participants in society such as the mentally enfeebled or the severely mentally ill. I sold a Wishing Machine to a schizophrenic, because I was able to convince him it would control the weather. I have the idea of bringing back the Wishing Machine to prevent climate change, as this is now very much in vogue. Cracky the Parrot agrees with everything I say, which gives me a good feeling of successfulness.
Interviewer: Why is your parrot named Cracky?
W: I know what you are thinking. You think it’s a joke about the parrot being crackers, as in crazy, but it’s based on a joke about the use of crack, the drug, the kind of thing that is smoked. The name Cracky could come from Polly wanna Cracker, or it could be the way Parrots crack nuts with their beaks. Let us consider, Robinson Crusoe. He had a pet parrot named Polly, and no one else the speak with (until Friday showed up) on the tropical island which he was stranded upon. Did the solitude make him go insane?
Interviewer: We are getting off topic. I don’t have that much time to discuss
Daniel Defoe and his island adventures with cannibals, and whatever similarities you are trying to evoke with Nueva Germania. We are still working on the names. Why did you pick the name Lamprey for Ms. Owl’s debut album?
W: I named S. Owl’s debut album Lamprey, because a Lamprey is a Parasitic Fish that sucks out the internal organs of other fishes, mainly sharks, and then moves on to the next fish (having satisfied itself) leaving the host fish for dead. I thought to myself, what a fitting name for her album, which was released on Revolving Records. I have two photos of my fake wife, but each one is a different model or actress who agreed to pose for me on spec. One is tall and fat with blonde hair, one is short and thin with dark hair. I made the fat one pose picking apples from a tree, as a tribute to Burroughs and his wife Joan. I made up a reason for why S. Owl had been so long absent from the music scene. The reason I made up was she had used fake names before. Brilliant! This allowed me to cleverly construct a whole back career for her that never happened, and buy myself another domain to upload yet another website, Screechy Owl dot com . Then at the height of my ridiculousness, I minted freshly created cassettes of Screechy Owl’s music. But, her singing is so poor, and she is so unpopular, that even my band Placid had more fans. No one bought them, and they joined the pile in the closet. In this closet of unwanted items, I also keep the bags of Yerba Mate, and the Video CDs of North Korea, which also failed to sell. Art only exists to express suffering, unhappiness and occasionally to mock the Four Fruits. The Four Fruits can’t do a thing to me. They don’t even know where I live, and neither do you, Mr. Reporter Interviewer Guy. You think I live in this town? I traveled for days to get here. I don’t even live in this state. I was able to get a high view count on S. Owl’s You Tube by using the reload back button over and over with great resolve of purpose. I also employ a secret software, called “The You Tube Sucker.” The Youtube Sucker downloads multiple videos automatically simultaneously. The the view count increases by one, each time it downloads. I create a folder earmarked for deletion, and suck up into the folder all the videos I put up under different Gmail names. I delete the folder and start over again. In a short period of time one can generate thousands of views on a video.
Stately and handsome, 340-gram package of Elisabeth Nietzsche’s Yerba Maté: $23
Interviewer: The You Tube Sucker is a fitting name. How can we even tell which one of the actresses is supposed to be the one who sings?
W: You can’t, this is the beauty of it. I got the idea from visiting a hotel in New Mexico, where the artist was middle-aged and fat, so she used photos of her attractive young daughter to be the artist. But, I searched and found an online photo of them together. Like Milli Vanilli, there is no reason the person presented as the artist need be the artist. Free music files can be found and downloaded all over Sound Cloud and Mix Cloud, to serve as the musical portion of my act. It is safe to say, that neither the fat, big girl or the thin, small girl is the singer. I have told you this in confidence. The singer was perhaps not attractive enough to appear, or do I even know the singer? More mysteries, you will have to email me to ask me those questions as a follow up. But, I have gone on too long about the music. I know this is supposed to be about Manson, but I got side tracked. What is in this coffee? I never talk like this to reporters. I want all of this off the record.
Interviewer: I will edit carefully, and not print things that are too unflattering. Hang on! I have some very important information regarding your ex-girlfriend Erstwhile.
Interviewer: I got an earpiece in, and they are talking to me right now.
W: Indulge me for a minute, first. If you take the names of all the Placid Tracks and you assemble them together they form a story.
For example, Erstwhile was Mortified, when I asked her to Leave. She cut her wrists in a bathtub filled with LOM in In a Haze of Mice.
I delayed calling 911, because I wanted to make sure she was good and dead, before I called. Unfortunately, she lived which caused the Dreamachine to lose market value.
This is not true, mind you, this is all a joke, that I am telling to the tourists to upset them.
The tour group will become more and more uncomfortable. Some of them won’t even want to stick around to the see the Final and most exciting stop of the tour, the home where Sharon Tate was killed. I fulfill my obligation by taking them to the house, but of course, as I know, the house was torn down and rebuilt, so there is really nothing to see at all on the tour. John Money For Nothing finds this all very funny. Now we have had our little joke together, tell me about Erstwhile.
Interviewer: It’s too late.
W: What do you mean?
Interviewer: It was very time sensitive information, and the time expired.
W: In just those few minutes?
Interviewer: Erstwhile, said you killed her cat and then tried to have him mummified, but ended up with a Pelican, whom you only meant to symbolize something else.
W: After Erstwhile left me, after her suicide attempt, I warned her if she did not come home something awful would happen to her cat. But, the cat died of natural causes. I only wanted to mummify the cat because, I thought it would be amusing.
Editor’s Note: Killing animals is one step away from becoming a serial killer.
Interviewer: Tell me about your public image consultant, Macy Grant.
Macy did not dissuade me in my eagerness to carry out my musical compositions for Tim McVeigh and for Jack Kevorkian. She could not stop me from pursuing relationships with Jesse James Hollywood and The Bikini Killer. She could not stop me from telling everyone I had moved to Tierra del Fuego.
Woodleaf sold the “Ports of Entry” dream-machine for $400,000 (US) and moved to Tierra del Fuego to work on something that required “extreme concentration.” Who knows, maybe he’s perfecting the wishing-machine (see the last section of the Western Lands).
I insisted on posting that on my Big Foot Website in late 90s before I moved to Planet Juniper.
The more she talks to me, the more determined I become to do exactly the opposite of what she suggests just to spite her. For example she suggested I needed to put myself on the line more and face the public, so I only became more reclusive. Every time she suggests something I shoot it down right away. She gave up, and now she lets me do whatever I want. I live by the motto, “Everything you say, I am against.” This is translated from the original Italian by a wise old Italian Socialist man.
Q: Mr. Woodleaf, is John Money for Nothing kind of like Mr. Hat on South Park?
A: That is Dr. Woodleaf to you, Interviewer, and no, I am aware John is a real person. What do you think I am, Insane?! This interview is over.
Interviewer: No wait, I admit I was out of line. Did he die or disappear? You claim he was one of your roommates. One more chance?! I get that you are just “playing” with the tourists. And John Money for Nothing is real, (long pause) or is he?
Woodleaf: dramatic aside: You have just witnessed the perfect fruition of my art.
This chapter is influenced by the book Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace. In particular the chapter known as “Dad, Professional Conversationalist (page 27)” Notice Woodleaf’s use of the word Spec for Speculative, and the Dad’s use of the word Beck for the words Beckon Call. Also notice to hang a shingle outside of a door and “People leave my parlor in states.”
Notes: James Incandenza, Hal’s father and the subject of Dad, Professional Conversationalist, dresses up as someone else to fool his son, but Hal’s sees through the disguise and wants to know why, his father is doing this. The Father only gives Hal, a long diatribe on many subjects, that makes no sense, but will later be touched on and explained in the Novel Infinite Jest. I see some similarities between James Incandenza and Kenneth Anger. Both of them are/were experimental filmmakers. David Foster Wallace even makes up a Filmography, which is listed as a separate appendix. I don’t know very much about Kenneth Anger, but he was born in the same year as my mother, 1927. But, if you have time compare the fictional list of James Incandenza films with Kenneth Anger’s list of real films.
Woodleaf’s Note: My desire to make a film with Kenneth Anger caused me to create John Money for Nothing. I tried to take Kenneth Anger to Nueva Germania, but he did not want to go. I even published a note from Kenneth Anger. Which is why Miles Mathis mistakenly believed them to be the same person. Miles Mathis believes everything is fake. Who would you believe? Me or him?
Lauren’s second note
David Foster Wallace wrote a story about a man named Neil who commits suicide because he thinks that he is a phony person. The story is called Good Old Neon. Neil is an over achieving yuppie who still feels he is a fake in spite of his real accomplishments. Neil addresses the reader from beyond the grave. Neil says that is impossible for him to explain everything he wants to convey in human language. Even if he could explain some of it in human language it would still take too long for him to explain everything he is thinking and feeling including memories and impressions without making the story too long to read. He points out too much time has passed in just reading that part of the story. Most people read David Foster Wallace looking for clues about his suicide. The problem with the Niel Story. It is told in terms of someone who is already dead and looks back at his life. However, it does not give a good explanation of the after life. There is an afterlife or else how could Niel be addressing the audience. Niel promises in the story to tell all the secrets of the afterlife, but he never does. I take this to mean David Foster Wallace did not have an ideas about the afterlife to write in the story. The afterlife is a blank to him. He says death does not hurt, however. The irony of the story is that Neil is not actually a phony person. He only thinks he is phony. He is instead hypercritical of himself. He reminds me of the lyrics written by Kurt Cobain. Kurt had achieved a lot, much more than most people, but as he put in his suicide note, it was not enough to keep him for killing himself at the age of 27. Dying at age 27 places Cobain in the 27 Club. The 27 Club is made of musician who died at age 27. Here is a short list of major members of the club.
Brian Jones, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison (and also his girlfriend Pamela Courson), Kurt Cobain, Amy Winehouse, and Robert Johnson. Burroughs wife Joan Vollmer was killed by Burroughs at age 27. Note: not all of them are musicians. If we expand the list to famous and notable people who died at 27, the list is longer. I had a feeling that secretly both Kurt Cobain and Amy Winehouse wanted to die at age 27 to get into the club.