Woodleaf is taking to Cracky his pet parrot in his apartment in Seattle.
And so you see Cracky, when I uploaded “My Story” about G (as in Gee, you have a really big head) and I uploaded a video of her large, egg-shaped head on my website at Planet Juniper, and the video was downloadable. I had tricked a bunch of old people into allowing me to use their names, so I could upload the most offensive content, but no one would know it was me.
For example, I posted a post, which I claimed was a letter written by someone on Planet Juniper. Let us look back at this letter now Cracky, as I am in the mood to reminisce. I call this story “The Cheesy Woody Allan.”
My name is (deleted, but I was a real person) and I am on the Planet Juniper Association board. Today while sleeping in late after working the late shift, I was awoken by my dogs barking loudly at about 9 am. When I went outside to investigate, I found a white male 5’8, 140 lbs., blonde gray wavy curly hair, bushy mustache, prescription glasses, with a large scar on his right neck, with a clip board in his hand cornered by my dogs. ( he kind of looked like a cheesy woody Allan) When he was questioned, he said he was an investigator for the post office, investigating mail fraud, and identity theft, and showed me a photocopy of a photograph of a Hispanic male, but he was dressed in a T-shirt and shorts, and did not look the part.
(some information deleted for the sake of brevity)
Cracky, that story was based on another story about Planet Juniper, as follows:
“Mr. Wetherby stated that because of Mr. Woodleaf’s absences, he had approached the Pearblossom Post Office regarding the mail for Planet Juniper. Postmaster Richy Fish stated that the Planet Juniper Association did not have a box, and that PO Box 666 in Pearblossom is in the name of David Woodleaf. He is the only person who can retrieve mail from that box. Mr. Fish stated that Mr. Woodleaf also receives personal mail in that box. That being said, Mr. Ronald (Clown) made a motion that the Council rent a Post Office Box in the name of Planet Juniper Association. Mr. Wetherby stated that Mr. Fish suggested that if the Planet rents a new box that Association would be better served to rent one in Littlerock so that the Planet’s mail would not be mistakenly placed in Mr. Woodleaf’s box. Motion passed unanimously. Mr. Wetherby volunteered to rent a box in Littlerock in the name of the Association and to obtain multiple keys.”
But, that was not the end of it, due to my San Francisco Chronicle Article Planet Juniper made a statement with words to the effect of they disowned me and disapproved of me.
“Mr. Pom Pom and Mr. Richy received phone calls from Mr. Epistle of the San Francisco Chronicle Article regarding David Woodleaf’s website, PlanetJuniper.net. Mr. Epistle was, at first, concerned about the actions of Planet Juniper. Following Mr. Pom Pom’s explanation, and direction to the official website, Mr. Epistle expressed feelings that Mr. Woodleaf is out of line. Mr. Wetherby indicated he had contacted the host for Mr. Woodleaf’s site, and submitted a complaint. He has not received a response.
The President directed the Secretary to include a disclaimer in the minutes for tonight’s meeting.
The following disclaimer was produced, as directed, and then reviewed and approved (via email) by the planetary members: Juniper Hills Planetary Association has no affiliation with David Woodleaf or the content of the web site known as PlanetJuniper.net, and strongly objects to the nature and form of that website’s content. Mr. Woodleaf is usurping the ownership of the domain name, as the domain name was obtained in March 2003 for Planet Juniper Association, for its use only. He is providing false information about his relationship with the Planet Juniper Association on this and other websites, and with members of the media and government. He is no longer a Planetary Member, having been dismissed from the Planet in December 2003. Mr. Woodleaf’s bizarre and racist conduct is completely contrary to the beliefs and actions of the Juniper Hills Planetary Association and the Community it represents. The Juniper Hills Planetary Association claims ownership of the domain name, but, unfortunately, has not yet been able to gain control over its current contents.”
But, I kept the website up for a good long time, Cracky. I still keep a version of it online today, but it only has a link to a page about weather. I sometimes use Planet Juniper to upload PDFs to Wikipedia to use as links, when I need to have more fake references for my elaborate Wikipedia articles about myself, which make everything alright. They explain that only George of the Jungle was offended by me, and everyone else was on board with me. The people who wrote letters to protest George of the Jungle turned out to be friends of your fake wife, Cracky. The names they used to sign the letters were all found at the premiere of a movie created by your fake wife. The movie was naturally starring a stand-in for your wife, because she is no longer young and good looking.
The North Korea Debacle as explained by Woodleaf to Cracky the Parrot
One of Kim Jong Ills wives had died in 2004, and I made this page in which, I would take memorial comments or memories about her. (At that time I was doing a lot of stuff about death in my act.) Macy found the page to be incomprehensible, and a public relations nightmare. She could not understand what I had to do with North Korea, and why I wanted to be associated with North Korea. Do you know what they did to Otto Warmbier? You don’t want to know.
Woodleaf: I could almost hear them laughing at me in my mind’s eye, when they posted mean things on my guest book. So, I took down the guest book, instead of apologizing to them and trying to make things right.
I was the first one to write a fictional story, and post it online. But, I claimed it was written by David Farrelly who was a guest at my house. The truth was I was a guest at his house, until I was asked to leave for doing and saying some really crazy things that got everyone very upset. Most of the stuff I post no one can find because I post under different names. Some names are made up, some are real names, as long as it’s not My name. The only thing I posted my name on is the drawings of my family and former friends as Salt Vampires.
My writing only generated negative comments on Vice Magazine and in the Pitch Tabloid of Kansas City. So, I banned all comments from everything possible. My reputation grew so notorious, that not one single person left comments. I had to make up my own positive comments from fake people over praising me.
I really wanted Mengele to live in Nueva Germania, because I was going to create a Mengele Shrine on the site of his former fake house. I posted a photo of a pile of bricks, that I claimed was Mengele’s house. I put a caption below the pile of bricks that his house fallen into a pile of bricks. What I really was joking about was the Wagner’s Opera House had many fallen bricks.
I know if I just say something enough it will become accepted, and in fact many things have already been accepted as true on Wikipedia such as I attended the same College as Andy Warhol. When people agreed with me or at least did not disagree, I posted praise for them on Planet Juniper Dot Net. I called them Royal Colonial Blue Bloods. But, if anyone was to complain about my website, I would deny making these postings, and blame the Planet Juniper Association.
But that was all in the past, things have changed. I have retired and settled down to the quiet life of an artist. My wife Ann has just finished redecorating the spare bedroom to turn into my office where I work quietly to create art, literature and music.
Now that I am an old person myself, I have to wonder if I did the right thing, although at the time I found it very amusing! 😉
I credited Byron Jost with taking a photo posted on my website about selling the Dreamachine. Its deleted now, but you can still find a copy of it here. Byron Jost met very unfortunate end. He went to Cambodia for a vacation and took too much heroin. I don’t really know the exact details. I have a mission for you! You can go and find out what happened. Woodleaf opens the cage doors grabs Cracky and throws him out the window. Cracky flies away.
Woodleaf is in his study working on an art work
Woodleaf: Ann, can you come here for a minute?
Ann: Yes! What do you want?
W: The eye is crooked on this drawing, and I don’t know how to fix it. Maybe I need new glasses? I have been trying for hours to adjust the eye on this Salt Vampire drawing. Look here.
Woodleaf points down to the drawing on his easel.
Ann: Did you Google eye placement? Maybe if take a small ruler and map out the quadrants of the head it will work better?
W: I can’t use any techniques in my art. That would interfere with the creativity needed to create my masterpieces.
A: Have you seen Cracky? I have prepared him some seeds and nuts, but I don’t know where he has flown off to.
W: I threw him out the window.
A: What!? Why? Cracky can’t fend for himself. He will never be able to find seeds competing with better skilled wild birds. We got to get him back. Lets put his cage out on the sidewalk. Maybe he will fly back into it?
W: No, it doesn’t matter. I send him to Cambodia, but if he wants to come he will come back. If he does not come back it will be good riddance. I noticed he was giving me off handed comments, which I perceived as being less then supportive, about my art.
A: He’s a parrot! That is what they do. You don’t think he knows what he talking about or understands it, do you? Parrots just repeat what they hear. Nothing he says has any meaning.
Woodleaf: It doesn’t matter if he comes back or not. It’s not important. I got a fan letter here, I have been meaning to ask you to read the it.
Ann picks up the letter and starts to read.
Dear Mr. Woodleaf,
I was wondering if you could share your experiences with Nitrous oxide and light machines? I constructed for myself a Command Center for Nitrous oxide with a large chair in the center of the room, similar to the command chair that Captain Kirk sits in on the Enterprise. I filled the room with strobe lights and music that is timed to go off in the patterns of the music. I got access to entire tanks of Nitrous, and I combined Nitrous with other psychedelic drugs. I am closing in on the meaning of the universe, but every time I sober up, I forget the meaning. Can you tell me the meaning of the universe?
Signed Hopelessly Confused
Woodleaf: I have penned a reply, but I wanted to ask your opinion.
Don’t ask me. I gave up on finding the meaning of the universe. I know what I think it is, but it going to be different for you. My opinion as an experienced psychonaut is just give it up because it just won’t work out. There is not any one answer to the question of existence. I was once stuck in a time period (after building a time machine) at the mercy of a large raven, but it turned out to be a nightmare. The raven wanted me to get a job, if you can believe that. I suggest you study the works of Lovecraft and avoid all sugary foods and deserts until you are restored to sanity. I just draw salt vampires now.
Don’t bother me again. Woodleaf
Several days later a reply is received
Greetings Mr. Woodleaf,
I hope you are well. I got really stoned to have the courage to write this follow up. I am not discouraged. I am inviting you to try sitting in my command chair and taking the combination of nitrous and acid which I coined and copyrighted. I am sure if I can take you a guided experience in which we both sit in the chair next to each other because its very wide, we will surely find together the meaning of the universe. The treat is of course on me. Come to (address hidden) at 8pm on Wednesday Night.
Woodleaf thinks that he would not go, but the idea of “free drugs” even with some strings attached is so inviting, he just can’t say no. But, he decides not to tell Ann about it because he knows she will disapprove.