The Salt Vampire

Woodleaf was obsessed with Star Trek. He often liked to pretend he was Kirk. The main thing he liked to pretend to do as Kirk was kill Mr. Spock and sleep with all the crew women. Recently, he completed a series of charcoal drawings of his former friends and his family as Salt Vampires. Woodleaf  likes to complain about his sister who is named Kate. Kate married a Greek Tycoon, and she has lots of money which she won’t share with him.

salt vampire
Woodleaf’s representation of his sister Kate

Kate used her husband’s money to buy up the entire supply of Bibi-Bo Dolls made by El Greco. Now she sells the dolls on Ebay.

The post office is very much a part of Woodleaf’s life as he also sells small mail order objects on Ebay which he calls boxes. He has boxes that do every possible thing. One of his favorites is called the Black Box that does nothing. When you place a coin on top of the box, a small plastic hand hand comes out and takes the coin places it inside the box which is a piggy bank type toy, but not shaped like a pig. The socket wrench shaped tongue replaces the common forked snake-like tongue because Woodleaf’s sister uses her words to get what she wants.

When Woodleaf receives his Obetrol which he bought on Ebay, the box only contains some dead leaves and small twigs. He drives to the post office with his box of leaves and twigs determined to get a refund. Woodleaf brings the box up to the counter with the dead plant material inside.

Woodleaf: I need Obetrol, so I can gain new insights. This is a box of dead vegetation. I demand a refund.

The hard faced clerk with the 70’s facial hair growth is less than sympathetic.

Clerk: How do we know that you did not just take the Obetrol, and put dead leaves in this box?

Woodleaf: My wife needs to lose weight. We need Obetrol. She is so fat that this is a medical necessity.  Andy Warhol used Obetrol, and I need to be as famous as he was, if not more famous.

But, the clerk won’t hear anymore.

Woodleaf walks back to his car murmuring under his breath.

“Stupid Post Office run by the Stupid Government that wants to remove all traces of fun from our lives and make us into mindless working tax paying slaves.” he thinks as he is driving back.

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