Woodleaf (Master of the House)
Ann (His Wife)
Macy (His Public Relations Agent or Media Representative)
Cracky the Parrot (locked in his cage)
Two Federal Agents (based on Mulder and Scully)
Ann has discovered Woodleaf telling people he meets on the golf course, that S. Owl is his wife. Ann was so upset, she decided to delay the conversation to a time in which they could all sit down and discuss the situation.
Ann: I think it’s time you tell me everything about Squirrely Owl.
Woodleaf: Although honesty is certainly not in my nature, I’m going to tell you everything about Squirrely Owl.
The idea of Squirrely Owl, my fake wife, was that Squirrely Owl would be a fake woman that I would create. S. Owl is musically inclined, therefore I can create compositions with Audacity Music Software, and claim that Squirrely Owl wrote them and performed them. Her personality has touches of Andy Warhol, and if I was a woman, I would be just like her. Her cleavage is generous. (Woodleaf laughs to himself, and tries to suppress it.)
I am not going to stage any more fake concerts for her because the Manson Concert failed to materialize and then Manson died. (Actually another fake concert was scheduled, but no one was interested.)
Macy: But, the Billy Joel Piano Man concert was a huge success.
Woodleaf: I did not say, all concerts were out forever. I am just taking a sabbatical from concerts for a while.
Macy: Why does S. Owl’s name keep changing? She would be easier to follow if she kept a more consistent name.
Woodleaf: I did explain, she used to perform under a number of different names. (a bevy of pseudonyms, google that term) The more names the better. If her name is not consistent it will be harder to prove or disprove she is real. Cracky wanted her to be named Screechy Owl because a Screech Owl is a certain type of owl, that Cracky admires, but she ended up being named Squirrely Owl because of the amount of insanity in the interview, that I wrote for her. I pointed out to Cracky, there was not enough evidence of screeching on the part of S. Owl to merit the moniker of Screechy. Cracky is still in a sulky mood over this. Right now, he pretends he is unable to talk. But soon he will have to talk again.
The hardest thing about creating and then maintaining a fake person is the consistency of photos, that I’m posting online. I managed to obtain photos of a woman who was not too fat or too thin, and had round owl like glasses to be the base unit model for S. Owl, composite woman. I wrote the first fake interview for Squirrely Owl. I, myself, being both the Interviewer and Squirrely Owl, was able to make the Interviewer say things that make it seem like Squirrely Owl was actually a real person. “I have been to see your concerts twice,” says the Interviewer, as if Squirrely Owl actually had concerts.
I bought another website, called Black Curtains, and uploaded the interview to the website. The Interview, is naturally, in Czechoslovakian. Americans can’t read it without Google Translate. I created questions and answers to make S. Owl look talented, artistic, esoteric, and above all snobby and exclusive like me.
People don’t research things unless they have interest in those things. There are so many things that interest people online, now that the online experience has become tailored to each person’s unique interests. One can follow only the topics they like such as politics or no politics, music or no music, sports, and if so only certain sports. No one follows all sports, and no one has time to follow and research all topics or even all the topics in a narrow range of focus.
Lauren’s Note: Stanisław Lem wrote a book called The Cyberiad. In this whimsical and sarcastic science fiction novel, two robots travel the Galaxy. In one of the chapters (which the author calls Fables of the Cybernetic Age) they are held hostage by a pirate who demands not treasure, but information. In order to escape the robots create a version of the Internet. The book was published in 1965 in Polish and in English in 1974, before the conception of the Internet. The Pirate is overwhelmed by too much irrelevant information, giving the robots time to escape. In modern times there no is mental ability as important as narrowing in on useful information and filtering out useless information and advertisements. Without such skills the user drowns in data without achieving his or her actual objective for researching in the first place. However if ones focus is too narrow he or she becomes an expert on his or hers topics of interest, but remains ignorant on other topics. Other topics can help and support one’s knowledge, even if it appears unrelated to the topic of interest at first. For example wind speed can affect the game of golf.
Woodleaf: Cracky has a Hotmail address. People can email him at Cracky@hotmail dot com, but I don’t allow him to access the internet. I don’t want him to read anything that may be unflattering about me.
Macy: I tried Hotmail once many years ago, but bugs caused it to be impossible to log in.
Woodleaf: Correct, once you make a Hotmail Address, you will never be able to log into it again to check your email. That is why so many emails go unanswered. They go into spam and no one ever sees them. If people do see them they intend to answer them later when they can think of what to say, but then they are forgotten and left unanswered. They may ponder how to reply for a very long time, and by that time it is too late for a reply. The event has passed its expiration date.
Macy: The only thing worse than Hotmail is AOL.
Ann: I still use AOL.
Woodleaf and Macy fall silent and look at her.
Macy: You wrote a story about Albrecht the Bear.
Woodleaf: In the game Triple Town, one tries to build a town while angry bears roam the streets. I tried to capture Albrecht the Bear in a musical number. I named the project The Jungle Book Song, but I could not get it the way I wanted. I could not control when the Bears were piping up. I never finished the project.
It is fairly easy to search for a copyright free photo on Wikipedia Commons of unknown people who can be copy and pasted to any background for example in a photo of Neuva Germania. Here are some people ready to be cut and pasted on to any background.
Cracky: The dog looks like a ghost.
Woodleaf: Yes, Cracky that is a lost ghost dog.
To make S. Owl’s music, I took a bunch of sounds from different instruments to make sonic discord. I wanted to make a salad! In the same way, I was going to make a salad with Foxgloves leaves to kill the Old Bat Helen in 2004, when I thought I could inherit her money and property. I called S. Owls debut album, Lamprey, an Electronic Salad with Classical Spices!
Macy: I remember, the Old Bat left her houses and money to an Institute that helps handicapped people live a full life in spite of their mobility impairments. You told me about her when we took a boat out on the San Francisco Bay.
Woodleaf: Those unfit individuals need to be eliminated for the good of society. But, I digress. In the fake interview, I had S. Owl say that the only music she likes is classical. I believe this gives her some sort of legitimacy for writing Pop Music.
Macy: I would not call it Pop Music.
Woodleaf: It’s a mash-up of many different electronic sounds and noises over some sort of panting vocalization. It’s not actually singing. Many people make audio tracks like this and upload them to Sound Cloud and Mix Cloud. This makes them ripe for stealing.
Ann: You are married to me. My name is Ann. Why do you need a fake stand in wife?
Woodleaf: Yes, dear, but you are not musical, and I have a pet name for you.
Woodleaf: under his breath, “Your Royal Dumpiness.”
Ann: (urgently) What’s that name?
Woodleaf: (loudly) Your Royal Highness
Ann: (gushing with pride) I love that name! I am part English on my Mother’s side and part Swedish on my Father’s side. I have traced my lineage back to Royalty on Ancestry.
People in artistic circles are quite anxious to follow each other back as a means of self promotion, but they don’t really care or listen to each other’s music. A singer may have a thousands Facebook friends who don’t actually like or even listen to his or her singing. Online writers don’t read each other’s writing. They are too busy writing.
Woodleaf: I don’t have anymore pictures of Squirrely Owl to post. So I hired an actress to pretend to be Squirrely Owl. I thought she looked similar. I searched through many pages of women on the website Model Mayhem to find the correct fit.
Macy: You need to use images that make you friendly and approachable. I suggest something like a Panda Bear. Think round, friendly, comforting and cute.
Woodleaf: It does not matter that we disagree on everything about my career, even the cover art on my CDs. I do what I want, and I don’t pay you anything. You work for free. I don’t take your suggestions. I listen to them, but then I don’t take them.
Macy: Seriously, you say you want people to contact you, but you are not willing to provide a friendly environment for them to contact you. Then you refuse to contact people unless they contact you first. That’s why you are isolated.
Woodleaf: Yes, Macy, as always, your suggestions have been considered and then rejected. I have four different women playing the role of Sonja Neverstop on You Tube. I don’t think they would dare to confront me or anyone with a complaint. It takes a lot of courage to write an email, one has to reveal an email address to get a reply. This is why I don’t want to appear friendly and easy to contact. I want to keep away negative people.
Macy: But, you are also keeping away the positive people.
Woodleaf: You do have a point, Macy, and I will think it over and maybe I will change in the future. Here is a publicity photo of S. Owl.
Macy looks at the photo.
Macy: This is not the same round-faced woman in the Interview Photo.
Woodleaf: Yes, but no one will look that closely, so it works. I made it black and white and grainy in an attempt to hide her from the public.
Macy: But, honestly, Woodleaf, would you not rather have real friends, then fake ones? Someone to take you to dinner on your birthday? Someone to go to the park with on a nice day?
Woodleaf: Not really, I don’t get that attached to people.
Cracky: (loudly from another room) He’s a sociopath.
Woodleaf: Shut up, Cracky. I am moving you down to the basement. Just a minute, I will be right back.
Woodleaf takes Cracky’s cage down to the basement and comes back.
Woodleaf: Sorry about that interruption. S. Owl doesn’t necessarily NOT exist, but what is her real name, and who is she? The point of contention would be if she was actually married to me, and is she willing to join me in my quest to sell boxes? I know people want to see the following items, a wedding photo, a marriage license, some video of the wedding, but I don’t have these items.
Woodleaf: Do you remember my famous quote “A bride burns her bridges having fallen in love, and becomes a flatten out version of her former self?”
Macy: I don’t recall that quote.
Woodleaf: It was one of the quotes in the book, I mailed to Burroughs, that impressed him so much that he decided to invite me to move to Lawrence, Kansas so I could be with him everyday. That was after he said to me, “I have found your thesis to be sound. The will to Great Cultural Figuredom is always a murderous one.”
Macy: Yes, I do recall you speaking about your meetings with Burroughs and all the things he was telling you. His sagely wisdom passed down to you when you were a young man.
Woodleaf: When I was still young, and people asked me what I did for my career, I said I was the director of a chamber music and choir group in Los Angeles. When they asked where I went to school, I said, The New School of Social Research. Now that I am old, people assumed I’m retired and they no longer ask me what I do for a living. Most of the people who attended my early concerts fled in terror, until only a few brave souls remained. I was conducting a group of musicians playing a dirge for a Brown Pelican with a pliers. Did no one get my joke? After that I had to start making it harder for people to leave in the middle of my concerts.
Macy: Why not make a YouTube Video with you waving your stick around and S. Owl singing or playing something? (urgently) There is still time to make S. Owl more real. Please do it!
Woodleaf dramatic aside: See how quickly Foolish Macy begins to believe things I say over and over. It’s like she is hypnotized. Yes, Macy that is my pet name for you, Foolish Macy.
Woodleaf (Normal Speaking Voice): S. Owl is supposed to be rich, like you Ann, and supposed to be giving money to poor orphans. Like AnnaLynne McCord, the actress from 90210, S. Owl is also a philanthropist. That makes it seem like I am really rich, which makes me feel happy and successful. Just knowing that everybody knows that I am married to Squirrely Owl, and I’m rich, makes me happy!
Squirrely Owl makes these records (distributed by my fake company Revolving Records,) but of course nobody wants to buy, The Squirrely Records, or should I say, cassettes. Nobody would actually buy anything that I made anyway, due to my tendency to just keep the money, and not send them anything. It some cases that was the Big Reveal. That is why my PayPal Account was cancelled. I can’t make it back to Juniper Hills very often to look in P O Box 666 for any checks. The Dreamachine was too much work to mail, the cardboard top would get bent in the shipping. I had a hearty laugh at the buyers expenses in my quest for Infinite Trolling. I was trolling before the Internet existed. I would leave people notes under their windows.
Macy: Explain Infinite Trolling.
Woodleaf: The term comes from the David Foster Wallace Book, Infinite Jest. And it’s pretty self-explanatory. None of my art turns out to be real art for the sake of art. All of my art is based on some kind of fraud, where I cheat the buyer. The buyer thinks he is getting one thing, like a mind machine that will get him legally high without having to ingest potentially harmful and costly substances. But, instead he gets a headache from the lights flashing in his eyes.
Macy: I don’t think S. Owl is the kind of image we want for ourselves. I wish I was young and good-looking again. I would like to be a model for your cover art.
Woodleaf: No, Macy you look too Jewish.
Macy: But, I looked good at certain angles? I am a real person.
Woodleaf: I love you for your mind Macy, not for your appearance. If you wanted to appear, we would find you a different model to appear as you. Don’t take it personally, that is just the way it is.
Macy: Can people get in touch with you by writing to Cracky?
Woodleaf: Cracky thinks he is too good to answer his fan mail. He is always claiming that he is always on a vacation somewhere, so his excuse is that he is never home. But in truth I keep him here in a cage with me, and he never gets to go anywhere. That is why his Instagram is so uninspired. One would think if he was at all these places he traveled to, he would have an International Instagram of worldly photos. Most of his photos are still shots of his books as a way to promote his terrible writing about nuts and sunflower seeds. I have no idea why he wants an Instagram, it’s so boring.
Instagram: Woodleaf, we are sorry to interrupt you, but Instagram is not boring. We may be slightly uninspired, but we are fixing that. We now demand that all of our users don’t just post vanity photos of themselves, their lives and their pets, but tell stories. This new story concept will take us to the top, and will allow us to crush our rival Pinterest.
Woodleaf: Where is that voice coming from? Macy, find it and turn it off.
Macy: I turned it off, it was another unwanted interruption to the creative process of your career, as it unfolds. Please explain the Long Con.
Ann: Yes, David, I would very much like to hear why you are running the Long Con on strangers that you meet online.
Woodleaf: The Long Con is different from the short con. First of all, as you may assume the long con lasts a long time. It may take months or years. I get other people to play roles in the deceptions. (Back when Woodleaf still had any friends that were speaking to him) The Long Con reaches its conclusion when the person buys a box from me, or they finally realize that I am not going to give them what they want. Maybe I say, “Meet me at a shopping center in the Starbucks and I will bring the box, you want, with me and give it to you,” but then I never show up. At that point I disappear, and I see if the person leaves me an angry voice mail or email, and then I have a good long laugh over that. If the person calls me and sincerely asks for an explanation, the game continues. I tell them there is a slight delay, but very soon, they will get what they want. I leave them in that state for as long as possible, because they never will get what they want. I borrow items, and I never give them back. But, I never do anything nice like loan out any items, because then they may not give them back to me. I can’t meet anyone for coffee because I think they may poison me.
Here is another example of the Long Con. Before I married S. Owl, I attended a local church in San Francisco every Sunday for a year. I would chat with this woman who was a widow. I did this under the name of Spencer Holman, so she would not know who I really was. When she told me she was moving, I made a date with her to have dinner, but then I stood her up at the restaurant. She cried, and I laughed with glee. I did not want to date that widow, she was too old for me, and did not have a musical background.
Ann: You should not be wasting your time with this Long Con. You’re married to me, and you have Cracky. There’s definitely some chores you could do around the house, if you wanted to.
Woodleaf: I would love to help out with the housework, but we know that YOU aren’t actually real, Ann. You are only a hypothetical outcome that could have occurred if I married you, and moved to San Diego with Cracky. I would have only been able to meet you if my behavior at the hardware store had not been so egregious, when I ran into Macy there. You were there at the Hardware store. I created you from the image I had of seeing you there. You are my wife, but Squirrely Owl is the perfect wife, for my online career. She doesn’t exist, so there’s no chance that she could ever betrayed me or speak to the public about our relationship. She’ll never divorce me. There are so many benefits to having a wife that doesn’t exist. And you know why I am in this situation? It is totally the fault of the Four Fruits. It’s nothing about what I said or did, or perhaps some of the career choices that I made along the way. I think everything I did was fantastic. I just don’t understand why the Four Fruits don’t give me their blessing.
Ann: Maybe if you didn’t spend so much time mocking the Four Fruits and saying derogatory things about them, your career would go better? If you were truly meant to be famous the Four Food Groups would not be able to prevent you from achieving fame. Less mocking and more empathy, is what you need. I don’t understand even half of the “in” jokes, you are laughing about. Why is my name Ann? Another joke? I don’t find it funny, no one does.
Woodleaf: You said, the Four Food Groups instead of the Four Fruits.
Ann: The Four Food Groups are milk, meats, breads and vegetable or fruit.
Woodleaf to Macy: Her hologram has malfunctioned. I don’t know if I can get her back. I have to go into my workshop, in the basement to see if I can rewrite her program.
Woodleaf goes down to the basement to work, leaving Macy alone on the main floor. The doorbell rings, and when Macy opens the door, she is surprised to see two Federal Agents.
Male FBI Agent: We are looking for a woman who goes by the name of Sunny Woodleaf. We have reason to believe she may be held on the premises against her will.
Macy: Giggles (self-consciously) Oh no, she doesn’t exist. She is a fake person, that Mr. Woodleaf, my client, made up so he would not look pitiful online.
Male FBI Agent: Even so, we have a warrant and we would like to look around.
Macy: The place is a mess. (Laughs nervously) You better come back and look tomorrow.
Female FBI Agent (To male FBI Agent): I will detain this woman outside while you go inside and look around.
After an exhaustive search of all parts of the house including the basement fails to turn up anything, the Agents leave with dejected faces.
Macy (Calls after them triumphantly) : Her name is not Sunny Woodleaf, it’s Squirrely Owl.
Woodleaf: Sandy Owl, not Sunny Owl.
Macy: Sunny is more cheerful, can we change it to Sunny? Sandy is Hunter Thompson’s ex-wife, or was that Sadie?
Woodleaf: Sadie is completely out. It will remind people of Susan Atkins. Since the FBI thinks her name is Sunny, I agree to a name change from Sandy to Sunny, at your suggestion.
Macy: Jimbo Wales has to be a fake name. Tom Jumbo-Grumbo is a cartoon whale on the show Bojack Horseman. Jimbo and Jumbo and Wales and Whales, there is no way these names are real.
Woodleaf: Everyone needs multiple fake names online. The more companies like Google and Facebook try to pin us down with “real names” the more we will fight back with multiple fake names.
Macy: We all have a lot of fake names. Vive La Resistance.
The FBI Agents over hear this dialogue and return.
Female Agent To Macy: I don’t think you are taking this seriously. Sunny has not been seen in person since 2015. This timeline coincides with her so-called “marriage” to your client.
Male Agent: Remember this, accessory to murder after the fact, carries the same penalty as murder.
Female Agent: Once you are both in prison you will never see each other again.
Male Agent: Yes, two people in prison are never allowed to visit each other.
Female Agent: Are you sure you don’t have something to tell us about the whereabouts of Ms. Woodleaf? At least you would be able to visit your boyfriend here, in prison, if you can manage to avoid prison.
Macy: I believe she is a made up person. Furthermore, Helen is still alive. My client Woodleaf did not kill anyone.
Female Agent: I want to talk to you without him.
Woodleaf and the Male Agent remain in front of the house talking, and the Female Agent and Macy walk over to the side yard area of the large San Diego Home which was bought with Ann’s Trust Fund Money.
Female Agent: (sympathetically) I don’t mean to give you a hard time. I only want to hear from you exactly what is going on. I believe you, but I want to be sure that you are free to speak without being influenced.
Macy: I only know what I see and what he tells me, but confidentially, Woodleaf lies all the time.
Female Agent: I understand, but I want you to understand this has been a very frustrating case for me and my partner. We want to get an explanation so the Bureau does not have to waste its time with trivial matters, or call in other Agencies. As she is a citizen of Prague, we don’t feel responsible for Sunny Woodleaf. But, now you have told me about a woman named Helen. Can you please explain more about her?
Macy: I never met her. I never even saw her photo. But, since she does not have an obituary, and Woodleaf told me she is still alive, I believe she is still alive. She has not been listed in the death index, but she must be over 100 by now.
Agent: Ok, but back to the matter of Sunny Woodleaf or Sandy Neverstop or one of the dozen or so aliases this woman goes by. We have seen videos posted on You Tube of a woman going by the name Sonja Neverstop. We think Woodleaf killed her, and then made up a woman named Sonja Vitriol, to take her place.
Macy: Neverstop does not exist either. Have you noticed each video of Neverstop is actually a series of different women? They use pasted still photos in black and white or drawings rather then actual footage of a person. I see Neverstop as being a sort of collective name that any woman can assume and become a singer playing in clubs. Sometimes the footage does not even show a woman at all. The whole thing is a hoax, but it’s bigger than my client. I think you should leave it to the investigators in Europe. Even her name “Neverstop” is a clue, that she is a hoax who does not exist. Those tricky Europeans vow to “Neverstop Hoaxing”, and they are trying to frame my client.
Female Agent: That seems like a good explanation. But why would they want to frame him?
Macy: I don’t know, it could be some sort of payback for the Long Con and the Big Reveal. I told him he really needs to stop doing that, but he is out of control. I can’t make him stop. I know, he went away to Europe for a number of years, and I don’t know what he was doing there.
Female Agent: The timeline is wrong. The footage of Neverstop does not continue after 2015. 2014 was the same year Woodleaf uploaded that he was married to Sunny on his Wikipedia, after he created a Wikipedia article for her. We believe this is around the time he killed her.
Macy: Maybe the Europeans finished The Sunny Neverstop project in 2014?
Female Agent: You just told me they vowed to Never Stop Hoaxing. Your story is filled with inconsistencies, but I want to give you a break. I will just file the report as it is. We have other people to investigate. But, we may be back if Sunny Woodleaf does not turn up. The report will say, Neverstop and Vitriol never existed and no homicide has taken place.
After the Agents leave Macy is filled with relief.
Macy to Woodleaf: That was scary, but it all turned out alright.
Woodleaf: I hope so.
Woodleaf found a better photo to represent Sunny Woodleaf, and he sent a copy to the Agents.
Woodleaf: This photo of Sunny with Cracky, shows her generous assets. Macy’s representation of Sunny merely shows she is jealous, whereas my photo will create interest in whatever Sunny is doing artistically.
Note: Cracky is not actually a parrot, he is a macaw. Most people call any talking bird a parrot. Parrots and other talking birds in the Parrot Family repeat words that they hear humans use.
The Saga Of Helen
It all started when Woodleaf was the right age to have graduated from High School and he was seeing a young woman named Helen who may have committed suicide or at any rate she died. Woodleaf decided something big like a suicide could help him get famous, but her parents objected to him using her name. Woodleaf did not attend high school because he was a special child who needed extra help. In fact anyone who was ever associated with Woodleaf does not want their name associated with him. (Including Lauren McCabe, the author of this story) This is called The Woodleaf Effect. No one but George of the Jungle was brave enough or foolish enough to challenge Woodleaf. Due to the fact Woodleaf is very insulated from the opinions of the general public, he refuses bend his art to public tastes.