The Truth about Squirrely Owl, Fake Person
All Secrets are Revealed in shockingly honest interview
Woodleaf (Master of the House)
Ann (His Wife)
Macy (His Public Relations Agent or Media Rep.)
Cracky the Parrot (locked in his cage, in another room of the house)
Two Federal Agents (based on Mulder and Scully)
Ann has discovered Woodleaf telling people he meets on the golf course, that S. Owl is his wife. Ann was so upset, she decided to delay the conversation to a time in which they could all sit down and discuss the situation.
Ann: I think it’s time you tell me everything about Squirrely Owl.
Woodleaf: Although honesty is certainly not in my nature, I’m going to tell you everything about Squirrely Owl.
The idea of Squirrely Owl, my fake wife, was that Squirrely Owl would be a fake woman that I would create. S. Owl is musically inclined, therefore I can create compositions with Audacity Music Software, and claim that Squirrely Owl wrote them and performed them. Her personality has touches of Andy Warhol, and if I was a woman, I would be just like her. Her cleavage is generous. (Woodleaf laughs to himself, and tries to suppress it.) S. Owl lives in Prague. This means the regular sites they look up people’s names and provide information minor about them here, in the U.S. do not apply to her. It is not possible for someone in the US to find out if she exists. I listed a number of concert dates for S. Owl with venues and times in 2017, but it would be very unlikely that an American could go to Prague, just to check and see if S. Owl was to appear. One of the past venues, I had picked for S. Owl, had a sort of open mic or free day or big party with guests, that were not listed. Clearly therefore, S. Owl could have been one of those guests. I also often listed the events on the website, after they had already happened, as an afterthought, in case anyone interested fan was local to Prague. When I listed the venues, I made sure they did not archive past events on their websites. It would take a visit to Prague and tickets to an upcoming concert to see S. Owl to prove she is real, but I am not having any more concerts. I was discouraged by the failure of the Manson Concert. Furthermore concerts and live appearances are dangerous. All kind of destruction can happen at a concert.
Macy: But, the Billy Joel concert was a huge success.
Woodleaf: I did not say, all concerts were out forever. I am just taking a sabbatical from concerts for while.
Macy: Why does S. Owl’s name keep changing? She would be easier to follow if she kept a more consistent name. I did explain, she used to perform under a number of different names, so they more names the better. If her name is not consistent it will be harder to prove or disprove she is real. Cracky wanted her to be named Screechy Owl because a Screech Owl is a certain type of owl, (that Cracky admires) but she ended up being named Squirrely Owl because of the amount of insanity in the interview, that I wrote for her. I pointed out to Cracky, there was not enough evidence of screeching on the part of S. Owl to merit the moniker of Screechy.
Cracky is still in a sulky mood over this. Right now, he pretends he is unable to talk. But soon he will have to talk again.
The hardest thing about creating and then maintaining a fake person is the consistency of photos, that I’m posting online. I managed to obtain photos of a woman who was not too fat or too thin, and had round owl like glasses to be the base unit model for S. Owl, composite woman. I wrote the first fake interview for Squirrely Owl. I, myself, being both the Interviewer and Squirrely Owl, was able to make the Interviewer say things that make it seem like Squirrely Owl was actually a real person. “I have been to see your concerts twice,” says the Interviewer, as if Squirrely Owl actually had concerts.
I bought another website, called Black Curtains, and uploaded the interview to the website. The Interview, is naturally, in Czechoslovakian. Americans can’t actually read it without Google Translate. I created questions and answers to make S. Owl look talented, artistic, esoteric, and above all snobby and exclusive like me. If I were S. Owl, I would say, what she said.
People don’t research things unless they have interest in those things. There are so many things that interest people online, now that the online experience has become tailored to each person’s unique interests. One can follow only the topics they like such as politics or no politics, music or no music, sports, and if so only certain sports. No one follows all sports, and no one has time to follow and research all topics or even all the topics in a narrow range of focus.
Lauren’s Notes: Stanisław Lem wrote a book called The Cyberiad. In this whimsical and sarcastic science fiction novel, two robots travel the Galaxy. In one of the chapters (which the author calls Fables of the cybernetic age) they are held hostage by a pirate who demands not treasure, but information. In order to escape the robots create a version of the Internet. The book was published in 1965 in Polish and in English in 1974, before the conception of the Internet. The Pirate is overwhelming by too much irrelevant information, giving the robots time to escape. In modern times there no is mental ability as important as narrowing in on useful information and filtering out useless information and advertisements. Without such skills the user drowns in data without achieving his or her actual objective for researching in the first place. However if ones focus is too narrow he or she becomes an expert on his or hers topicnof interest, but remains ignorant on other topics. Other topics can help and support ones knowledge, even if it appears unrelated to the topic of interest at first. For example wind speed can effect the game of golf.
Macy: In the Interview, what did S. Owl say about Omus?
Woodleaf: She said, she had to miss the Omus concert. Naturally, since he is one of my “friends” I like to throw his name around like he is really important. But, of course, I may not have heard from him, because if I reached the end of the joke/prank which is the “Big Reveal” at the end of the Long Con, Omus may be too pissed off to speak to me ever again. It’s a risk I have to take. It’s certainly not my fault if people get upset, when they are lied to, but if someone lies to me, I will surely have a fit and scream at them. When I lie it is artful and significant. When other people lie is because they have low quality characters. That is because I am a Great Artist.
Macy: Is Omus really as important as Jandek? The independent musical sensation Jandek has more views on his You Tube Channel, then your friend Omus.
Woodleaf: That is beside the point. I don’t measure popularity by what the common man embraces.
I had a series of photographs of Squirrely Owl and some children, but no photographs of her and myself together, obviously. I could have of superimposed my hands on her shoulders like in my other fake photos, such as with Mr. Simplicity . When I wanted to look like I had touched people’s shoulders in Nueva Germania, I would superimpose my hands there, so people would not think I had just copy pasted a photo of myself in with the Nueva Germanians. But, the joke was the photo was from my Grandfather’s Nursing home. The photo was indoors, and it was not taken in Nueva Germania. None of the photos taken were in Nueva Germania. I put them in black and white to make them harder to discern. People were fooled by some fake street signs, I had made up with misspelled names. Later I posted a photo of myself and a woman in a boat holding the signs, so people would know the signs were fake and they had been tricked. Strangely, the public outcry was not as large as I expected, so I decided to cancel the Big Reveal with Nueva Germania. It’s cliché to copy paste in Photoshop, because everyone knows photo image manipulation now. They can even use a free program called the Gimp, instead of paying for Photoshop. That is why I don’t use manipulated photos as much as I used to.
Part of the fun of having S. Owl’s photos appear with children was, in particular, to horrify women and girls who are baby sitters. They think I may be dangerous to those children, after I revealed my kidnapping scheme for school boys.
Macy: How did you get those photos?
Woodleaf: I stole them from public profiles, but I have all the photos I am ever going to get with the same woman, unless she posts some new public photos. If she does I will scope those up, and post them on her fake facebook, that is under my control.
Editor’s Note: Woodleaf posted this joking Craigslist post
Date: 2008-02-14, 11:46 AM PST
At Discovery Group we have a BLAST reaching and teaching children ages 2-10!.We offer our numerous clients an opportunity to have reliable and competent tutors for their wards. We are looking for instructors who are high energy, reliable, and willing to let their hair down and have fun with kids. No “art” experience is required. Background in working with children is a preferable (daycare, schools, camp counselors, nanny, Sunday school, baby sitting…). Instructors are expected to lead children through a series of art projects (lesson plans provided), complete prep work, aide in hosting birthday parties, set up and clean up, and explain and answer questions about our program to potential customers.
A bit more about us…
To aide in the development of each individual child’s talents and abilities our instructors lead students through the process of creativity.
Why we exist:
It is the mission of Discovery Group to encourage instructors to explore creativity in every child, experience artistic freedom and success, acknowledge and appreciate differences, and grow in self-confidence and discovery.
Sound like a good fit? Please contact us via email….
Woodleaf: The Discovery Group ( if people researched it) was shown to be a group of Bears. The email was fake, but I had another gmail listed so they could reply to that one. No one uses Hotmail.
Macy: Yes, I tired Hotmail, but some sort of issue caused it to be impossible to log in.
Woodleaf: Correct, once you make a Hotmail Address, you will never be able to log in again.
Macy: The only thing worse than Hotmail is AOL.
Ann: I still use AOL.
Woodleaf and Macy fall silent and look at her.
Macy: (changing the subject) What do you mean by Bears?
Woodleaf: Yes, Bears! Like in the online game Triple Town. You try to build a town while angry bears roam the streets. I tried to capture that in my rare attempt to create a musical composite work called the Jungle Book, but I could not get it the way I wanted. I abandoned my creative work in favor of pre made fake news which I am currently obsessed with.
Maybe the fooled people would try to contact S. Owl to warn her? That would prove to me, that those people were fooled. I would answer them back as my fake wife, and begin an entire fake correspondence with them just to past the time.
How can I harm children that are not real, that are born to a fake woman who does not exist? That was the Big Reveal (July 31, 2004) that ruined my relationship with you, Macy, and made you quit the Organization and become my PR agent just to be close to me again.
Macy: I did not become your PR agent until 2016. I did not quit the Organization until 2014. It seemed I had become too old to be a female secret agent. I could no longer seduce men. But, I stayed in the Organization for ten more years after 2004, there was still time for you to make amends with me. Then, I would not of had to become your PR Agent. I know you don’t like my ideas and plans.
Woodleaf: (No Comment) Be that as it may, back to the topic on hand. Squirrely Owl actually didn’t sing or (maybe she did sing) or maybe I just used a voice changer. If I don’t show her singing, who is to say, she is the singer?
Macy: The versions of Sandy Neverstop seem all different. Does she have a loud strong voice or a soft quiet voice?
Woodleaf: She can have any voice that I feel like uploading. I invented Revolving Records to make it look like I had been signed, and that she had been signed.
Macy: But you could have used promotional websites for unsigned bands?
Woodleaf: If I was to appear unsigned, I don’t think Apple Music would have accepted S. Owls music. Lots of music artists, in particular rappers, who get dropped from their labels create their own labels to promote music made by themselves and a few close friends. I uploaded S. Owl’s fake parents and fake uncle to Wikipedia, as great artists worth of Wikipedia, I found a black and white photo of some historical time, which shows a man and woman playing various instruments. No one can contact them as they are dead already, and my research sources were my own online websites. To make S. Owl’s music, I took a bunch of sounds from different instruments to make a big hodge-podge, in fact, I wanted to make a salad! In the same way, I was going to make a salad with Foxgloves leaves to kill the Old Bat, (Helen) when I thought I could inherit her money and property, but those retards got in my way. I called S. Owls debut album, Lamprey, an Electronic Salad with Classical Spices, on the two fake websites I bought for her. It was not enough to buy Sandy Vitriol dot com, I also bought Sandy Vitriol dot org.
Macy: I remember, Helen (the Old Bat) left her houses and money to an Institute that helps handicapped people live a full life in spite of their mobility impairments. You told me about her when we took a boat out on the San Francisco Bay.
Woodleaf: Those unfit individuals need to be eliminated for the good of society. But, I digress. In the fake interview, I had S. Owl say that the only music she likes is classical. I believe this gives her some sort of legitimacy for writing Pop Music.
Macy: I would not call it Pop Music.
Woodleaf: It’s a mash-up of many different electronic sounds and noises over some sort of panting vocalization, it’s not actually singing. Many people make audio tracks like this and upload to different places. Each time S. Owl is played on iTunes, I get less than a penny. It was not for the money, that I created S. Owl. It was so people would feel jealous of me, and my ex-girlfriends would regret not marrying me, now that am married to S. Owl.
Ann: You are married to me. My name is Ann.
Woodleaf: Yes, dear, but you are not musical, and I have a pet name for you.
Woodleaf: under his breath, “Your Royal Dumpiness.”
Ann: (urgently) What’s that name?
Woodleaf: (loudly) Your Royal Highness
Ann: (gushing with pride) I love that name! I am part English on my Mother’s side and part Swedish on my Father’s side, and I love Queen Elizabeth.
Woodleaf: Ahem, continuing with the story of S. Owl. I uploaded the fake interview with the photos of Squirrely Owl, to the fake website. I, then, created a Facebook for S. Owl and made lots of friends for her. People in artistic circles are quite anxious to follow each each other as a means of self promotion, but they don’t really care or listen to each other’s music. Online writers don’t read each other’s writing. They are too busy writing.
The main problem is I don’t have anymore pictures of Squirrely Owl to post. So I hired an actress to pretend to be Squirrely Owl. I thought she looked similar. I searched through many pages of women on the website Model Mayhem to find the correct fit. She was taller than the original version. I asked to pick apples from a tree and to pose with a garden hose. Later on, I hired another model who was shorter and thinner. I only used her once to point a gun make of leaves at the audience. Violence is a theme I like to use to unsettle people. The album cover of Lamprey shows an iron bar and an open hand, as if the hand was about to hit someone with the iron bar.
Macy: Not good! See, we don’t agree. You need to use images that make you friendly and approachable. I suggest something like a Panda Bear. Think round, friendly, comforting and cute.
Woodleaf: It does not matter that we disagree on everything about my career, even the cover art on my CDs. I do what I want, and I don’t pay you anything. You work for free. I don’t take your suggestions. I listen to them, but then I don’t take them.
Macy: Seriously, you say you want people to contact you, but you are not willing to provide a friendly environment for them to contact you. Then you refuse to contact people unless they contact you first. That is why you are isolated.
Woodleaf: Yes, Macy, as always your suggestions have been considered and then rejected. I have seen perhaps seven different women playing the role of Sandy Neverstop on You Tube. I don’t think they would dare to confront me or anyone with a compliant. It takes a lot of courage to write an email, one has to reveal an email address to get a reply. This is why I don’t want to appear friendly and easy to contact. I want to keep away negative people.
Macy: But, you are also keeping away the positive people.
Woodleaf: You do have a point, Macy, and I will think it over and maybe I will change in the future. Here is a publicity photo of S. Owl.
Macy looks at the photo.
Macy: This is not the same round-faced woman in the Interview Photo.
Woodleaf: Yes, but no one will look that closely, so it works. It’s so grainy, she could be anyone. I faded and altered it with Photoshop.
Macy: I have added makeup to make her more attractive, in the style of Miranda Sings. Here she is, playing her violin!
Macy: But, honestly, Woodleaf, would you not rather have real friends, then fake ones? Someone to take you to dinner on your birthday? Someone to go to the park with on a nice day?
Woodleaf: Not really, I don’t get that attached to people.
Cracky: (loudly from another room) He’s a sociopath.
Woodleaf: Shut up, Cracky. I am moving you down to the basement. Just a minute, I will be right back.
Woodleaf takes Cracky’s cage down to the basement and comes back.
Woodleaf: Sorry about that interruption. S. Owl doesn’t necessarily NOT exist, but what is her real name, and who is she? The point of contention would be if she was actually married to me, and is she willing to join me and my quest to sell boxes? I know people want to see the following items, a wedding photo, a marriage license, some video of the wedding, but I don’t have these, at least not at this time. I may be able to figure out how to create them in the future. S. Owl doesn’t have any career other than to make electronic music that is really mine, and of course, none of this is able to be verified or validated. Wikipedia allows online websites as sources, so I can get many things onto Wikipedia that are not true. Someday, I will hit Jimbo Wales, the head of Wikipedia, with the Big Reveal. All of what I carefully uploaded to Wikipedia is fake or almost all of it was fake, and it stayed online for years. I am sure his top would blow just like Tom Jumbo-Grumbo. He will spout water, like a whale, when he finds out. I will laugh for weeks.
It would be too pedestrian for any wife of mine, to have to work, and since I made her very rich, she only makes music for the art of it. Although, I did put down that she is a strict music teacher in her Wikipedia, which I created for her in November 2016 under the user name of Swimming. I have so many usernames on Wikipedia. S. Owl is very unforgiving if her imaginary pupils make a mistake in what they should or should not believe, about my career and history. Getting it wrong or laughing underneath their breath merits a slap on the knuckles with a rhythm stick, or my conductor’s baton. The same one I used to wave around when musicians whom had been tricked into showing up and playing, at my various events in Los Angeles such as the funeral for the Pelican. However, for the Pelican Funeral, I switched the baton to a pliers, as the brown pelican had been murdered with a pliers.
I pretended I was the director of a non-existent chamber music group, when people asked me what I did for my career. I did not want to tell them, I had not even graduated high school, because I was too undisciplined, and I had too much ADD to sit still. I learned early on that most people make themselves look better than they really are. They say, they graduated high school or even went to college, when they did not. It is all a phony racket, anyway. No one needs college or even high school to be a self-made rich man. It’s not like anyone is going to check my college degrees, since I am not applying for any jobs, and to do so is a violation of my right to privacy. I decided the college I would select was The New School of Social Research. But, I don’t list my graduation date, because its implied, I only attended the school in my youthful years in the 80s, but did not graduate, in case, anyone looks at the graduation records.
At the Pelican funeral only 25 people showed up, and they were so afraid of me, they all ran away before I could give them a free coupon for an overnight stay at Castle Fluffy Clouds and free gambling worth up to $20 dollars. I later changed the number of people to 250 people. If not enough people showed up, it was that I could not get enough press coverage for my events. I used many of the same musicians that I conducted during the funeral of the holocaust victim. I pursued his (old lady) injured wife around her hospital room, trying to give her a musical score of her prerequiem, which she thought was the kiss of death, until she had to hire private security guards to prevent me from coming in to her room, and so did the San Francisco Chronicle. They hired a large African-American Gentleman, whom I was at odds with because he would not let me inside to confront the column writers with my demands that they include my press releases in their daily column write ups. Macy, you thought you would have to take on the role of Lynette “Squeaky” Fromme, because you could not see how you fit into the plan of arguing with the SF Gate Newspaper Security guard.
Macy: Why not make a YouTube Video with you waving your stick around and S. Owl singing or playing something? There is still time to make S. Owl more real.
Woodleaf dramatic aside: See how quickly Foolish Macy begins to believe things I say over and over. It’s like she is hypnotized. Yes, Macy that is my pet name for you, Foolish Macy.
Woodleaf Normal Speaking Voice: S. Owl is supposed to be rich, like you Ann, and supposed to be giving money to the poor masses. Like AnnaLynne McCord, the actress from 90210, S. Owl is also a philanthropist. That makes it seem like I am really rich, which makes me feel happy and successful. Just knowing that everybody knows that I am married to Squirrely Owl, and I’m rich, makes me happy.
Squirrely Owl makes these records (distributed by my fake company Revolving Records,) but of course nobody wants to buy, The Squirrely Records, or should I say, Cassettes. But, I don’t tell anyone that. Since my career was at the point when nobody would actually buy anything that I made anyway, due to my tendency to just keep the money, and not send them anything. It some cases that was the Big Reveal. That is why my Paypal Account was cancelled, and besides which I can’t make it back to Juniper Hills very often to look in P O Box 666 for any checks. The Dreamachine was too much work to mail, the cardboard top would get bent. The box that fit it was too expensive, and it took too much in postage. The box was oversized and oddly shaped. I explained this in the long story I wrote about my life and posted it online in late 2004. I had a hearty laugh at the buyers expenses in my quest for Infinite Trolling.
Macy: Explain Infinite Trolling.
Woodleaf: The terms come from the David Foster Wallace Book, Infinite Jest. And it’s pretty self-explanatory. None of my art turns out to be real art for the sake of art. All of my art is based on some kind of fraud, where I cheat the buyer. The buyer thinks he is getting one thing, like a mind machine that will get him legally high without having to ingest potentially harmful and costly substances. But, instead he gets a headache.
The time I promised I would show my guest, New Wave Music Videos, and instead I put forward my kidnapping scheme. What kind of person would that of made her if she was willing to break the law and face jail, all to please me? A very stupid person indeed, as I would let her take the rap for the crimes. I would be infinitely amused, or at least laugh for a very long time. Then I would have John Money for Nothing Paint a picture of her with a shaved head and an X carved into her forehead, because the stupefying of Macy would be complete. These type of activities (which I never stop) are called Infinite Trolling. That is why the original fake name for my fake wife was Sandy Neverstop, as in Never Stop Trolling, and Never Be Real.
When I uploaded fake information about Mildred N. Swords, another fake person I made up, to the Planet Juniper Website, I knew the residences of the Planet Association would be upset. I had no idea how upset. I assumed, they would be a little bit upset, and they would call me and demand an explanation. But, they never called me. I never called them. So, I never got to the Big Reveal Stage, in which I planned to link their town with Nueva Germania. I have never been to Nueva Germania, myself, the trip is too dangerous. I don’t speak any Spanish. Then after they found out that Mengele lived there, which I had planned to add to Wikipedia, they would have been so upset, that at that point, they would have disavowed me. Mengele however, most likely did not live there, but he traveled there. I just wanted to make people more upset by flinging the Mengele name around. This creates stress. Planet Juniper made a statement to disavow me, and uploaded to their new website, but in a PDF form of minutes from their meetings. Google does not index the PDFs, and no one can find these documents, if they search for my name. So, it is no big deal to me, what they did to me. I wrote the story “A Cheesy Woody Allen” about them, after that.
The Big Headed Woman, either never saw what I posted about her, and the photos I posted of her, or she did not care, because she never called me after I was forced to leave her home in Canada. I continued to try to call her daughter, who was 11. I wanted to share the drawing inside Cracky’s Magazine, The Boy Friend. The artwork was black and white line drawing of her and her two sisters singing the National Anthem of North Korea, and of me conducting them, and also lots of other drawings of prominent people. The cover was reminiscent of the Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band album cover. It looked like a coloring book. I encouraged people to color in the drawing to personalize it, so later it would become worth money, and I could sell it on Ebay as a one of the kind item. I am still, after all, also a businessman, beside my many other careers and talents. I knew once the girl grew older, if I could not continue to influence her, she would grow up and begin to reject me. No one wants to talk on the phone with me. I can be very difficult for no reason on the phone. I have not learned phone manners. I know how to behave properly, it’s not like I am autistic, but often I choose to behave poorly. I make it impossible for the other party to get a word in edgewise, as I dominate the whole conversation to make me right and them wrong. I change the facts many times until they give up, and begin to believe some version of my lies.
Making a new fake person to do music as in ( S. Owl), gives me a clean slate and a chance to start over as a person without my reputation of cheating and deceiving, getting in the way of the marketing or the appreciation of my music. At last my music would be appreciated without the burden of me being connected to it. Unfortunately S. Owl’s music (my new music) was not popular, so I have not updated the website. I am thinking of trashing the whole project for something else. I doubt you will be hearing much from S. Owl in the future, as I am on to other things.
Macy: That is a good idea. I don’t think S. Owl is the kind of image we want for ourselves. I wish I was young and good looking again. I would like to be a model for your cover art.
Woodleaf: No, Macy you look too Jewish.
Macy: But, I looked good at certain angles, I don’t understand, and I am a real person.
Woodleaf: I love you for your mind Macy, not for your appearance. If you wanted to appear, we would find you a different model to appear as you. Don’t take it personally, that is just the way it is.
Macy: Do you remember when you wrote an essay called on Art and Religion based on Richard Wagner’s essay on Art and Religion? I read the original essay, as it was free online, and then I read yours and I found you posted the same essay as Wagner’s word for word, but at the end you added a little part about the world going to the Devil again and again. I thought you added, at least, that little part, about the Devil at the end, but when I recheck I could see you uploaded the entire essay unchanged and credited it to yourself. Do you remember when you posted the link to your essay was on sabbatical. I had no idea what the meant. Maybe you were rewriting it? It was confusing to people. Which is why I think you try to be more clear with your art. Why do something fraudulent that can be so easily found out? Why not write a review of the essay or add your own touches to the essay?
Woodleaf: I wanted people to read the Wagner Essay, so they could understand why I liked Nueva Germania so much. But, I did not add any of my own writing or ideas to the essay. After a couple of years I removed the essay and pulled the link. That essay did not hang around the internet, like my more popular essay on Ketamine.
I am obsessed by Eugenics, but I call it family planning. In my Wikipedia it says speculative planners, but my Wikipedia is subject to change. The article I wrote for Vice Magazine online I called it Eugenics. Vice was not afraid to publish the word Eugenics. Vice deleted all the negative comments on my written piece, and they keep it online with no comments, and no new comments allowed to be posted. I am proud of that piece. Real Writers include prominent online magazines, which they have contributed on their bios and biographies.
If I had a colony without the Four Fruits, I would be the natural leader of men, that I should have been. Exactly like Charles Manson wanted to be the King of the New World after the Blacks had won the race war, as explained in the concept of Helter Skelter. But, when I discuss Manson, I only discuss him as John Money for Nothing. Because I don’t want Manson and his craziness ruining my concept of art. But, I realize that was only a joke. I gave up on the idea of Nueva Germania when I got possession of Castle Fluffy Clouds.
Macy: If John Money for Nothing is real, he is certainly not a very approachable person. Most people would be too scared to contact him.
Woodleaf: I like it that way. It keeps down the amount of people who may approach him, whom I then have to field off, and it’s a waste of my time to reply to them as him. When I am him, I speak using only obscenities to keep people afraid to ask him any questions or contact him. But, they can order from his website online. I collect merger profits from that.
Macy: If people wanted to get in touch with you, could they contact Cracky? I would like a way for people to be able to get in touch with you and send comments to you. Being plugged into social media is critical these days to be a successful writer.
Woodleaf: Cracky thinks he is too good to answer his fan mail. He is always claiming that he is always on a vacation somewhere, so his excuse is that he is never home. But in truth I keep him here in a cage with me, and he never gets to go anywhere. That is why his Instagram is so uninspired. One would think if he was at all these place he would have an International Instagram, of worldly photos. I do it for him. I take a few camera phone photos for his Instagram. I have no idea why he wants an Instagram, it’s so boring.
Macy: As soon as you added on S. Owl’s Wikipedia that she was married to you, don’t you think, the people would figure out the entire person was likely fake? You have so many fake people.
Woodleaf: I hide in plain sight. I would simply claim, it would be so farfetched to create a fake person of such elaborate depth, that they were the crazy ones for not believing it, and I am the sane one. When people call me crazy, I tell them that they are crazy, and my ideas are all perfectly sane. This throws them off base.
Lauren’s Note: Smoke and Mirrors. Smoke and Mirrors are how a Magician does magic illusions. We looked up the definition and found this “Smoke and Mirrors: the obscuring or embellishing of the truth of a situation with misleading or irrelevant information.”
For example, when an Interviewer asked Woodleaf how his concert for Tim McVey turned out, he told a long story of how the person assigned to play the cymbals was clapping them at the wrong times, and had to be dismissed in the middle of the piece. This irrelevant information distracts from the fact, there were no audio or video records of the concert in the Catholic Church, and the concert likely never happened. We think at least one person would have some video or audio of it. Maybe at least one one TV Station came to cover it?
Woodleaf: No, Lauren, slow down, it never actually happened. I just stayed in my hotel room and waiting until it was over, ( I waited for CNN to call me into their studio for an interview, but they never did. ) then I went home. I was told that this plan was a bad idea by everyone, and it would ruin my career, and I did not listen. I did it anyway, it was after that I decided to go even more over the top with shocking and controversial content. I thought the backlash would make me famous with the Alt Right. I never appear in public, and I don’t give speeches or go on stage. I have stage fright. So, it’s hard for my supporters to find me. I don’t do any live appearances, any more. I am losing my hair, and I feel ashamed. The only hair on my head now is on the sides of my head. Later the Priest from the Church had to resign over molesting boys. It was a complete disaster and my career never recovered.
Macy: Please explain the Long Con.
Ann: Yes, David, I would very much like to hear why you are running the Long Con on strangers that you meet online.
Woodleaf: The Long Con is like what I did to Tony. I pretend I am going to give that person something they want. In his case, a free Dreamachine, but I won’t. I am willing to spend hours and hours, weeks, months or even years befriending the person to set them up for the Long Con. The Long Con reaches its conclusion when the person buys a box from me, or they finally realize that I am not going to give them what they want. Maybe I say, meet me at a shopping center in the Starbucks and I will bring the box, you want with me, and give it to you, but then I never show up. At that point I disappear, and I see if the person leaves me an angry voice mail or email and then I have a good long laugh over that. If the person calls me and sincerely asks for an explanation, the game continues. I tell them there is a slight delay, but very soon, they will get what they want. I leave them in that state for as long as possible, because they never will get what they want. I borrow items, and I never give them back. But, I never do anything nice like loan out any items, because then they may not give them back to me. I am so lonely. I have all the time in the world for the Long Con, so I put my email and phone numbers online hoping for gullible people to call or email me asking about things like Castle Fluffy Clouds.
Here is another example of the Long Con. Before I married S. Owl, I attended a local church in San Francisco every Sunday for a year. I would chat with this woman who was a widow. I did this under the name of Spencer Holman, so she would not know who I really was. When she told me she was moving, I made a date with her to have dinner, but then I stood her up at the restaurant. She cried, and I laughed with glee. I did not want to date that widow, she was too old for me, and did not have a musical background.
Ann: You should not be wasting your time with this Long Con. You’re married to me, and you have Cracky. There’s definitely some chores you could do around the house, if you wanted to.
Woodleaf: I would love to help out with the housework, but we know that YOU aren’t actually real, Ann. You are only a hypothetical outcome that could have occurred if I married you, and moved to San Diego with Cracky. I would have only been able to meet you if only my behavior at the hardware store had not been so egregious, when I ran into Macy there. You were there at the Hardware store. I recreated you from the image I had of seeing you there. You are my wife, but Squirrely Owl is the perfect wife, for my online career. She doesn’t exist, ao there’s no chance that she could ever betrayed me or speak to the public about our relationship. She’ll never divorce me. There are so many benefits to having a wife that doesn’t exist. And you know why I am in this situation? It is totally the fault of the Four Fruits. It’s nothing about what I said or did, or perhaps some of the career choices that I made along the way. I think everything I did was fantastic. I just don’t understand why the Four Fruits don’t give me their blessing.
Ann: Maybe if you didn’t spend so much time mocking the Four Fruits and saying derogatory things about them, your career would go better? If you were truly meant to be famous the Four Food Groups would not be able to prevent you from achieving that the fame you want. Less mocking and more empathy, is what you need. I don’t understand even half of the “in” jokes, you are laughing about. Why is my name Ann? Another joke? I don’t find it funny, no one does.
Woodleaf: You said, the Four Food Groups.
Ann: The Four Food Groups are milk, meats, breads and vegetable or fruit.
Woodleaf to Macy: Her hologram has malfunctioned. I don’t know if I can get her back. I have to go into my workshop, in the basement to see if I can rewrite her program.
Woodleaf goes down the basement to work, leaving Macy alone on the main floor. The doorbell rings, and when Macy opens the door, she is surprised to see two Federal Agents.
Male FBI Agent: We are looking for a woman who goes by the name of Sunny Woodleaf. We have reason to believe she may be held on the premises against her will.
Macy: Giggles (self-consciously) Oh no, she doesn’t exist. She is a fake person, that Mr. Woodleaf, my client, made up so he would not look pitiful online.
Male FBI Agent: Even so, we have a warrant and we would like to look around.
Macy: The place is a mess. (Laughs nervously) You better come back and look tomorrow.
Female FBI Agent (To male FBI Agent): I will detain this woman outside while you go inside and look around.
After an exhaustive search of all parts of the house including the basement fails to turn up anything, the Agents leave with dejected faces.
Macy (Calls after them trumpiantly) : Her name is not Sunny Woodleaf, it’s Squirrely Owl.
Woodleaf: Sandy Owl, not Sunny Owl.
Macy: Sunny is more cheerful, can we change it to Sunny? Sandy is Hunter Thompson’s ex wife, or was that Sadie?
Woodleaf: Sadie is completely out. It will remind people of Susan Atkins. Since the FBI thinks her name is Sunny, I agree to a name change from Sandy to Sunny, at your suggestion.
Macy: Jimbo Wales has to be a fake name. Tom Jumbo-Grumbo is a cartoon whale on the show Bojack Horseman. Jimbo and Jumbo and Wales and Whales, there is no way these names are real.
Woodleaf: Everyone needs fake multiple names online. The more companies like Google try to pin us down with “real names” the more we will fight back with multiple fake names.
Macy: We all have a lot of fake names. Vive La Resistance.
The FBI Agents over hear this dialogue and return.
Female Agent To Macy: I don’t think you are taking this seriously. Sunny has not been seen in person since 2015. This timeline coincides with her so-called “marriage” to the your client.
Male Agent: Remember this, accessory to murder, after the fact, carries the same penalty as murder.
Female Agent: Once you are both in prison you will never see each other again.
Male Agent: Yes, two people in prison are never allowed to visit each other.
Female Agent: Are you sure you don’t have something to tell us about the whereabouts of Ms. Woodleaf? At least you would be able to visit your boyfriend here, in prison.
Macy: I have no idea who she is. I have never been to Prague, and I believe she is a made up person. Furthermore, Helen is still alive. My client Woodleaf did not kill anyone.
Female Agent: I want to talk to you without him.
Woodleaf and the Male Agent remain in front of the house talking and the Female Agent and Macy walk over to the side yard area of the large San Diego Home which was bought with Ann’s Trust Fund Money.
Female Agent: (sympathetically) I don’t mean to give you a hard time. I only want to her from you exactly what is going on. I believe you, but I want to be sure that you are free to speak without being influenced.
Macy: I only know what I see and what he tells me, but confidentially, Woodleaf lies all the time.
Female Agent: I understand, but I want you to understand this has been a very frustrating case for me and my partner. We want to get an explanation so the Bureau does not have to waste its time with trivial matters, or call in other Agents. As she is a citizen of Prague, we don’t feel responsible Sunny Woodleaf. But, now you have told me about a woman named Helen. Can you please explain more about her?
Macy: I don’t know, I never met her. I even never saw her photo. But, since she does not have an obituary, and Woodleaf told me she was still alive, I believe she is still alive.
Agent: Ok, but back to the matter of Sunny Woodleaf or Sandy Neverstop or one of the dozen or so alias this woman goes by. We have seen videos posted on You Tube of a woman going by the name Neverstop. We think Woodleaf killed her, and then made up a woman named Vitriol, to take her place.
Macy: Neverstop does not exist either. Have you noticed each video of Neverstop is actually a series of different women? I see Neverstop as being a sort of collective name that any woman can assume and become a singer playing in clubs. Sometimes the footage does not even show a woman at all. The whole thing is a hoax, but it’s bigger than my client. I think you should leave it to the investigators in Europe. Even her name “Neverstop” is a clue, that she is a hoax who does not exist. Those tricky Europeans vow to “Neverstop Hoaxing”, and they are trying to frame my client.
Female Agent: That seems like a good explanation, but why would they want to frame him?
Macy: I don’t know, it could be some sort of payback for the Long Con and the Big Reveal. I told him he really needs to stop doing that, but he is out of control. I can’t make him stop. I know, he went away to Europe for a number of years, and I don’t know what he was doing there.
Female Agent: The timeline is wrong. The footage of Neverstop does not continue after 2015.
Macy: I don’t know, maybe the Europeans finished their project in 2015?
Female Agent: You just told me they vowed to Never Stop Hoaxing. Your story is filled with inconsistencies, but I want to give you a break. I will just file the report as it is. We have other people to investigate. But, we may be back if Sunny Woodleaf does not turn up soon. The report will say, Neverstop and Vitriol never existed and no homicide has taken place.
After the Agents leave Macy is filled with relief.
Macy to Woodleaf: That was scary, but it all turned out alright.
Woodleaf: I hope so.