Old Growth Redwoods

Girl Reporter: Tell me about that glass dome that you wanted to use to encase yourself inside in order to conduct a funeral for Ernst Jünger.

Woodleaf: It was not a funeral, it was a Prerequiem.

Girl Reporter: It was a masterpiece. I’m saying this without a trace of sarcasm, but with genuine sincerity.

W: I will tell you how that came about. I wrote the article originally to submit to a literary journal. My pet parrot Cracky published an eight issue literary journal which was called, “The Boy Friend.” Cracky’s feathers became ruffled by the last article I wished to submit.  Fortunately, I was able to publish the article in an anonymous online blog. This preserved the article for posterity.

If it were possible to get back issues of The Boy Friend, without a table of contents it would be impossible to know which of the eight issues that my articles were contained within, and as most of the articles were written in German it may be very unlikely (unless these were published online somewhere) that people would get to read my articles. The chances of a person seeking out an obscure German literary magazine in the USA is very unlikely when one considers the wealth of free articles that are available to the general public via the Internet.

Girl Reporter: Am I to understand that back issues are offered without contents listing?

W: That was Cracky’s idea. He had the notion that if he was to not include the table of contents listing for each magazine that the unsuspecting buyers would be forced to buy all eight issues in order to get access to the articles that would be mine which would, of course, be the most popular and interesting articles, and most likely the only ones in English. The Boy Friend did not sell very well. There are ample back issues available, but it may be very difficult to purchase them.  They tell me, I wrote an articles about Plant Consciousness and about Interspecies Karma, but I had taken Ketamine at the time, and I can’t remember what I submitted.

Girl Reporter: Why not re-publish your articles on your website?

Woodleaf:  Cracky has the rights to those articles, as a promotion to help him sell The Boy Friend.

Girl Reporter: (with disbelief) You let a Parrot have the rights to your articles, and now they can’t be read by anyone?

Woodleaf: Macy wants published versions my writings on a site that belongs to me, so people can find and read my writing. However, as I explained (in an earlier chapter), I never do anything Macy suggests, because that way she would win. I am right, and she is always wrong. I always take the counter position to what she wants, so she can continue to be always wrong. I get more happiness from her being wrong, and me being right then from popularly, or the preservation of my work.

Girl Reporter: So, why do you keep Macy around?

Woodleaf: She brings me pleasure when she is denied.

Girl Reporter: Oh, well, what does it matter? Does anything matter when the earth is going to be sucked into the sun? The Boy Friend had hideous cover art, anyway, no one would want it in their homes. Maybe if the covers were ripped off and destroyed, it could be filed away coverless? But who has any space in their homes for non digital books or magazines? I am, certainly, not wealthy enough to afford storage for printed materials.

Woodleaf: I had John Money for Nothing design all the covers.

Girl Reporter: His style is improving.

Woodleaf: Yes, quite.

Girl Reporter: Here is a joke. “How to you tell John Money for Nothing that you don’t like this art?” Answer “Very Carefully.”

Cracky: My book was published in Israel.

Woodleaf: Shut up, Cracky. You know, you did not write a book. What was it about Zen and the art of the sunflower seed?

Girl Reporter: (giggles) very funny

Girl Reporter: But, back to your service for Ernst Jünger. How can I put this delicately without hurting your feelings? Old growth Redwoods can’t possibly grow in the Black Forest. Redwoods can only grow on the coast of California because they need a fog climate to survive. They survive only in large grouping, as their leaves catch the moisture in the air and create a sort of gentle rain. They allows these high water trees to survive the dry summers. The service was to take place inside a glass dome that is hermetically sealed. All the oxygen would be used up by the fire and the dome would explode.

Woodleaf: The Redwoods will all burn up anyway soon, in all the fires caused by drought and global warming. I am just burning a few of them. What is the harm in that?

burn

Girl Reporter: That sounds like quite a plan!  Just a minute while I look this idea up in my phone.

Girl Reporter: I looked it up online, and apparently it is possible to exist inside a glass dome provided that glass dome is made of many segments and not one solid full bubble. I saw pictures of it at a hotel in Scandinavia.

 

 

Woodleaf: Great! I could place domes on the Castle Grounds of Castle Fluffy Clouds. People could spend the night inside these domes looking at the stars in the sky. (with great sincerity) I want people to be happy when they come, and stay in my Castle Forever.

Girl Reporter: (Happily) I believe you, and I know your intentions are good. Those people are better off staying on in the Castle with you. It is a dangerous world out there, and you provide free lodging for those who can’t afford it.

Woodleaf: It’s not quite like that. My Castle is exclusive. I only collect those who are well off financially. They need to be able to contribute money for their room, board the upkeep of the Castle and the Gardens and Grounds.

Girl Reporter: Oh I see.

Woodleaf: My wife Ann’s trustfund is not so large as to be able to support us and them indefinitely.

Ann: (offended) My trust is big enough. It will never run out.

Woodleaf: Yes, dear, and how much is in your trust fund right now?

Ann: I don’t know. I only know that it’s big enough. I have never wanted for anything in my life. If I want a new pursue, makeup or the latest fashion outfits, I buy them. I use expensive contact lens. I don’t want to look like Squirrely Owl.

Woodleaf: I am happy for you, dear, but as of late there are more burdens being placed upon your trust fund. I know you thought it would last forever, but what if the markets go down?

Ann: Lets us not discuss money now in front of GR. Most couple break up over money. I don’t want to happen to us.

Girl Reporter: As long as some copies are saved of your writings, you can delete from the Internet. You should either take them back or republish them. There is no site that collections your writing posted on different sites, and provides people with links to find them. You can take control of your life and writings. You need a more hands on approach. I wanted to tell you this, but now I really must be going. Bye! See you soon, I hope!

Girl Reporter starts to leave then turns and returns.

Girl Reporter: Wait, I just thought of something else! If you literally wanted Ernst Jünger to be eaten by insects his after death, another helpful tip, in case you didn’t know, very few bees eat meat. Perhaps wasps, would eat him? Have you ever been to a cookout and yellow jackets cut off pieces of your hot dog, and fly away with it? I have. It was so exciting. To consume his entire body you’d have to go for something more along the lines of maggots. The only birds that eat flesh are vultures. None of these are what you would consider “noble animals”.

Woodleaf: I was using poetic license. I have a tip for you also. You did a lot of research on the Global Warming and the Environment, but you failed to research Ernst Jünger. He wrote a book called The Glass Bees. That is the reason I wanted his body to be eaten by bees. It does not matter whether bees eat flesh or not. You are missing the whole point.

Girl Reporter: Thank you for enlightening me. Have a beautiful rest of your day.

Exit Girl Reporter

As soon as Woodleaf makes sure the Girl Reporter is really gone, he angrily turns to Cracky.

Woodleaf: Cracky, I am downgrading your fake wife to fat, old army boots, and upgrading my wife to Sandy Woodleaf, a noble name.

Ann: What do you mean? I am your wife. Are you ashamed of me, and you had to make up a fake wife?

Woodleaf: Let’s not talk about it now. She is a fake wife, so your jealous is not acceptable.

Ann: We will discuss this another time. This is not over!

 

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