Satan: “You know Archie, I did not think you had it in you to go very far in this Firm. In fact, your very existence was highly uncertain, but today, you have out done yourself.”
“Thank you very much, Sir.”
“I am increasing your salary by 50 percent, and there will be other perks and bonuses for you, Archie. You scared the Captain of the QE2, so much when you revealed yourself to him as demon, that he lost control of the ship, and it hit an iceberg.”
Satan giggles, “The boat sank. The best part was they did not have enough room in the life boats. Mortals died, and the survivors got to watch their friends and loved ones die. It was sheer bliss.”
“You are too kind, Sir.”
“You know, Archie,” Satan continues, “I heard it rumored you might want to leave this firm, and I hope it was not because of the way, I treated you. I am sorry, I threatened to fire you. In fact, I am going to be much nicer to you from now on, Archie. I want you to be free to do your very best work, without the stress and worry of being terminated.”
“I do appreciate that, Sir.”
“And now, I see that Dr. Evil, Buffy, Lou, and Agent M are stranded on a desert island, underneath the radar.”
Dr. Evil, Lou, Buffy, and Agent M are as miserable as they can possible be. They are shipwrecked on tropical island, and night is falling. They sit around a campfire.
“This is awful,” proclaims Lou, loudly, “It’s really awful, in fact, it is the most horrible awful thing, that could have possibly happened.”
He turns to Dr. Evil. “Dr. Evil, tell us, how we can get off this island?”
All three of them turn to Dr. Evil waiting for his response, but Dr. Evil is feeling drained and dejected. “Well,” he begins in a moderate tone, “Doubtless, this is work of the demon, but we must bear in mind, the demon may be out best chance of getting off this island. If we really are off the radar, and no one comes to rescue us. We will run short of supplies in a few days, and we really must make getting off this island our top priority.”
He turns to Agent M, “Can you summon Archie?,” he asks.
“No, of course, not. I have been thinking about him non stop, and trying to contact him since this happened. I asked him to save us, but I don’t it works that way, somehow with demons,” she replies.
Buffy snuggles up close to Dr. Evil and she says, “I don’t have my medication. I’m worried. I don’t want to withdraw from powerful anti-psychotics on this island. We have to get out of here. I probably can’t even sleep without my pills. Please try your cell phone again.” There are tears in her eyes.
“Nothing works,” replies Dr. Evil, sadly, “Everything got wet, and even so our cell phones wouldn’t work. We are out of range, anyway.”
David Belfry arrives at the police station to pick up Chess Master, after posting bail for him.
When the two cops, whom Chess Master has named Good Guy and Bad Guy, return, Chess Master feels bitter despair and resignation, but this time they tell him, the charges have been dropped, and that someone has arrived to take him home.
They inject him with Sodium pentothal, and after it has taken effect, they tell him, that he has only fallen down the stairs. He was not beat up, and if he attempts to say otherwise, they will find him again, and this time it will really hurt much worse. They make him repeat the story over and over, until they feel he has gotten it right, and then they release him to David’s custody.
Immediately, David notices there is something wrong with Chess Master. He has been drugged and beat up.
“What happened to you?” he asks.
“I fell down the stairs,” Chess Master mumbles.
He decides to just get Chess Master out of the place as quickly as possible, and then try to sort it all out later.
In the car, David feels terrible, but feels he can do nothing, other than offer some kind of emotional support.
“I am going to drive you home. If something bad happened you can tell me.”
But, Chess Master only repeats the story, that the cops gave him.
When Chess Master gets home, he immediately opens his Chess Set, and all the pieces have so much to say, to him. They seem panicked and offer all kind of suggestions and advice, along with some reproaches. “How could you let yourself get into that situation? Why did you not just stay in your seat, and let the Fruit Hat Woman die, like that man told you? He’s an alien, you know. Why can you feel nothing from his mind?
Chess Master, agrees with that he must be an alien using some kind of advanced mind shielding technique. Chess Master can’t read his thoughts.
But, Chess Master also now thinks that the man is not so bad, considering Good Guy and Bad Guy are so awful. The Man is now looking much better, by comparison. He lies on his bed for hours, just listening to the voices. Then the phone rings, and he can see from his caller ID, that this the Organization. Normally, he would refuse to take their calls, but now he feels like it makes no difference, so he decides to answer.
“We were so worried,” the Organization begins, “We wanted to help you, but there was nothing we could do. We are small spy agency, and there are so many other spy agencies. Clearly, those cops belongs to a rival spy agency.”
“We may tell you, but you really need to spend a few days recovering from your injuries. You know you are really not in the best of mental or physical health. It probably results from refusing to leave the house, and not eating or sleeping much. We are most sympathetic, and wish you a speedy recovery.”
After Chess Master hangs up the phone, his Chess Set begins to go crazy.
“Creepy,” screams the Queen.
“Horrible,” laments the King.
And the other pieces have all kinds of similar input. Finally, Chess Master can’t stand it any longer.
“But, what am I going to do?” he asks the pieces.
After a long while, Little Bear says, “I don’t know, but I do know this, you are in serious trouble. Why would they have been so nice to you, if this was not a major victory on their part?”
“What can I do?” Chess Master asks them again.
“There is not much you can do,” says the King, “There have already made changes to your brain chemistry, that are permanent.”
“You can try to avoid them,” says the Queen, “But, they could retaliate by sending the Bad Cops, after you.”
“We can’t even determine,” says the King, “That the Organization was responsible for you getting beat up. Therefore, we advise you not to panic. Wait and see what happens.”
As far as Chess Master is concerned he can handle the creepiness of the Organization better, than can handle the Bad Cops.
So he decides to go to bed, but sleep just won’t come. He is much too upset.
Back on the Island, the stranded group decides to collect food and build a shelter while waiting for rescue.
When Dr. Evil returns to the camp, he find Buffy lying on the ground, in a seemly catatonic state.
“Are you alright, Darling Buffy?” he inquiries.
“Matching handbag coordinates,” murmurs Buffy.
Poor Buffy, thinks Dr. Evil without the mental crutch of shopping what was left of her fragile mind has fallen apart.
He finds Agent M, and he asks her, “Have you been able to summon, Archie, or any other demon, or any other supernatural entity, that could help us get off this island?”
“No,” she replies, “I have not heard from anything or anyone.”
“Spend 50,” says Buffy.
“What are you talking about?”asks Dr. Evil
“When I spend 50 dollars, at the Limited Two, I get 25 in Limited Two Bucks, that I can use towards a purchase of another item, but that item has to be more than 50 dollars.”
“What is a Limited Two?” ask Lou.
Buffy does not seem to hear him, but rambles on, “But, I gotta get back to the mall. My coupon will expire between July 4 and September 1.
Buffy has a small coupon all crumpled up, and she gives it to Lou. No further communication is possible.
Lou takes the coupon and walks back over to Dr. Evil and Agent M. He gives the coupon to Macy, and asks her to explain it.
“I think this must have something to do with shopping,” says Lou.
“Spend 50 was a sales promotion, that the Limited Too had last year,” explains Macy. “Buffy is attempt to communicate her desire to return to the mall, by showing you this coupon. Unfortunately, the coupon expired last year in September 2004, and the details of that promotion made the customers so angry, that it was never reinstated.”
Note: The Limited Too, was a shop at the Stonestown Galleria
“I have already explained the urgency of getting Buffy back into a controlled environment,” interrupts Dr. Evil. “She can’t function in reality, and she needs the constantly mental stimulation of shopping, or her mind will collapse.”
“I can’t see that is any hope,” Dr. Evil continues, “Unless we can get her interested in something else to occupy her mind, and there really is nothing here on this island that could do that. If only there was some way we could get rescued.”
At that moment Mr. Squirrel spins a globe of the world, and lets his hand drift over the ocean areas.
“Where could Agent M be?” he wonders out loud.
The globe stops on an area over the Atlantic. She is stranded here, and Mr. Squirrel has decided she should be rescued.
Mr. Squirrel is obsessed with destroying the Organization only because he has mistakenly confused the Organization with The Conspiracy. The Organization represents a viable target that he can focus on.
Mr. Squirrel will not be duped by the Conspiracy. There will be no gathering of nuts, or raising baby squirrels for him. Yet, his insatiable desire to fight the so-called “Conspiracy” already driven him to madness, and beyond years ago. Now his thoughts fester.
Suddenly an idea comes to him. Agent M is stranded on a desert island and he knows where it is on the globe. He calls David Bellfry and gives him the coordinates for the Island.
David picks up Chess Master at his house, and although he does not want to go out on the rescue boat to the island to pick up the castaways, he is afraid to say no, so he agrees.
When the group sees the rescue boat they are elated. Once they board the vessel and they set off again. David tells them to go down below to have a few drinks and relax.
“Don’t go down,” says Chess Master, weakly.
But, his spirit has pretty much been broken. If he tells them that David is alien, now only will they not believe him, they will say he’s delusional and laugh at him.
“Of course, we shall all go down,” declares Dr. Evil. “Can you get Buffy an Internet connect, so she can do some online shopping? It is the only thing that can pull her back to reality,” he asks David.
“Yes,” David, smiled benevolently, and so human like, “If you come down, all manner of wonderful things are possible. I can see Chess Master has already made up his mind. He does not want to go down, and I respect that, but that is not a reason to deter the rest of you from coming down. I even have a X Box,” David concludes proudly.
“Oh, an X Box,” says Lou, excitedly, “I want to go down.”
Buffy is beyond all human communication, and she stands mutely.
“I guess, I will go down, if everyone else is going down,” says Agent M.
I will deal with you later, David thinks at Chess Master. Don’t say anymore.
Everyone one goes down, leaving Chess Master alone on the upper level.
After 15 minutes of waiting, Chess Master is dying to know what has happened to them. He wants some way to communicate with them. Maybe if they are not completely destroyed, he will go down also. He still has not figured out how to get any food, and the stale water from the bathroom, makes him feel sick when he drinks it. He imagines it could contain all kinds of impurities, and germs from the sanitation system. He thinks of his cell phone, and decides to try to place a call to Agent M. Although is impossible for a cell phone to work in the middle of nowhere, he tries anyway. Agent M picks up the call, and he hears loud music playing in the background.
“Are you all right, Agent M?” he asks her. “What is David doing to you?”
“We are having a party,” says Agent M in a dreamy voice. “It is ever so much fun. Why don’t you come down?”
Chess Master thinks she sounds like she has just smoked opium. He reasons this is the effect of David’s energy draining generator.
“I think, I will stay up here,” he says. Chess Master trusts nothing and no one. “Is there any way you could bring me some food? I’m really starving.”
“I would, but,” Agent M’s voice is slurred, “the party is so very fun. I don’t think I can leave.”
“You have to drag yourself away,” Chess Master insists.
She doesn’t reply, but the music plays on. Maybe she has fallen asleep, or passed out?
“Are you still there?” Chess Master shouts in the phone. But, he only hears the music playing.
“I told you before,” says Little Bear, “You will have to go down there, eventually.”
“Who asked for your input?” Chess Master snaps angrily.
Why is his chess set open? He picks up Little Bear, and puts him back inside and closes the wooden board. Then he feels even worse. Little Bear is his favorite chess piece. Even when he was struck by lightning and mugged in New York. He always knew somehow that Little Bear’s advice was valuable. There is nothing else to do, but call the Organization, in spite of the fact, that they creep him out. Angry desperation motivates him to make the call.
When they answer, he completely loses control, and starts yelling, “I am stuck on the boat with your man, David. He has hoarded all the resources, and gotten everyone high, and if you tell me, I have to go down there…”
“Calm down,” the Organization interrupts him. “We have word that Mr. Squirrel is once again plotting to destroy us. Naturally, because you are a help to us, we will find some way to get supplies to you.”
The Organization called David and has a talk with him.
Shortly afterward David declares that Chess Master can go down and pick up as many snacks and drinks as he can carry.
With great trepidation, Chess Master slowly makes his way down the stairs.
When Chess Master enters the room he finds it decorated with psychedelic memorabilia from the late 60’s and early 70’s. There is a shag orange carpet, a color strobe light, and lava lamps everywhere.
“We are so glad you could make it the party,” Agent M greets him warmly and even kisses him on the cheek. Chess Master doesn’t like this contact, but he doesn’t complain.
David has read the minds of everyone, and managed to fulfill whatever it was they wanted.
Buffy is back to normal. “I have redecorated Castle Evil with all the bargains, I found online at Overstock dot com. As soon as I get home, my packages will be waiting for me. I feel wonderful. I have never been so happy,” she announces in a perky voice.
“David, has all the new games on his X Box,” says Lou, “He even has ones that have not been released yet. I got to play Ambush the Terrorists, before anyone else. David is so cool.”
“Yes, I like him so much better,” agrees Agent M, “Now, that he has stopped being a Secular Humanist, and started being a Sensual Materialist. He even changed his name to Mr. David. Isn’t that amazing?”
Dr. Evil is smoking a bong, but he stops for a few minutes, to say, “David really did us up,” and continues smoking.
Chess Master can’t deal with any of this right now. These people are beyond help. At least they seem happy, he thinks.
“I am just going to take some food, and go back upstairs. I am sorry to interrupt your party, but I have to get back to my chess set.”
“Why don’t you stay?” says Agent M, with disappointment.
“Yes, stay,” invites Dr. Evil, “I am sure David will really do you up, too.”
Chess Master takes a few energy bars and some bottles of Evian Water, and leaves quickly.
As soon as Chess Master is safely back on the upper level of the boat, David begins to message him by telepathy.
“Chess Master, you really should come down, everyone here feels so friendly towards you now. Of course, I could change that and make them set upon you like wild dogs. I can make them do anything I want.”
“Shut up, David, I am not coming down, and you can’t make me change my mind by thinking at me.”
“Don’t be so disagreeable, Chess Master, I have another present for you. It’s a Teddy Ruxpin, and it’s just sitting on one of the tables up there. Go have a look.”
Chess Master finds the large Teddy Bear with its mechanical moving parts. The eyes on the Bear open, and it moves its mouth as it begins to sing, “Your Friend, Your Friend, that’s what I’ll like to be.”
Chess Master knows, right away, that he should throw this Bear over the side of the boat, just like the little TV, but something about the singing is so hypnotic, that he has to listen.
“You’re tired,” Teddy Ruxpin, says. “If you put me near your head, and go to sleep, then I will sing you a lullaby.”
Chess Master does as the Bear instructs. He is so very tired. He curls up on the floor, and Teddy continues to sing. He thinks he has gone to sleep, when he realizes the song lyrics have changed in nature. “When the Villagers came, I hid. Or else, I would surely be doomed. But, I had my friend the Silent E. He helped me hide, quite easily.” Teddy is singing the Silent E song. He forces himself to wake up, realizing if he goes to sleep, David will send the others up here, to drag him down there, and that is what David has been planning all along. He doesn’t know how he is going to survive until this boat gets back to San Francisco. So, he calls the Organization.
“You have to do something about David,” he moans. “He just gave me a Teddy Ruxpin, and it’s saying things that make me paranoid. I can’t sleep, and I can’t stay awake.”
“Throw the Bear over the side,” the Organization suggests.
“I would do that, but it seems to have some kind of power over me, and I can’t.”
“Don’t worry about it, Chess Master, we already have a fail proof plan to get rid of David. As soon as the boat arrives in San Francisco, Mr. Squirrel is going to take David out.”
“What?” What are you talking about?”
“Mr. Squirrel thinks he can fight us by hurting our agents. He is an accomplished sniper. He will be hiding. When he sees David, he is going to shoot him. We have alerted Mr. Squirrel to the approximate arrival time of the boat, and he has a photography of David.”
“You can’t let that happen,” Chess Master screams into the phone, “What about David? It would also kill him.”
“We are sorry about our Agent,” explains the Organization, “But, we can’t think of any other way to get rid of David. I don’t suppose you have any ideas?”
“No, I don’t, but there has to be some other way.”
“You sound very stressed out,” says the Organization in a soothing tone. “Why don’t you go do there, and give in to the mind machine. It will make you feel much better, and when David is assassinated, the hold on your mind will be broken. It won’t cause you any harm. Your friends seem to love it.”
“I just hope,” the Organization, continues, “That they don’t become too attached to David, since he is going to die. You may have to comfort them.”
“I am not going down there,” insists Chess Master.
“Why?” counters the Organization, “You think you would also become attached to David, like them?”
“I could never become attached to David,” Chess Master screams, “I don’t want to talk to you anymore.”
Down Below Macy, Dr. Evil, Lou, and Buffy are well into the swing of the party, when suddenly the music stops, and the lights come on in the room. David is standing before them with a big scowl on his face.
“The party’s over humans.” David announces. “I got you good and high, and now, it’s time for all of you, to start working on helping me collect energy.
Everyone is just too stunned to speak, for a while, but Dr. Evil recovers first, and he says, “Why would you call us humans? Are you implying that you are not a human?” The color has drained for Dr. Evil’s face, and he twists his hands nervously. The others are showing similar signs of panic, but they are looking to Dr. Evil to get them out of this.
“You assume correctly, foolish human,” replies, David with a menacing tone. “Only Chess Master had the insight to see me for what I am, an alien.”
You humans were so very easy to fool. I was able to buy one of you, for a video game, and another of you for internet access to shopping. Clearly, none of you have any pride or self-respect. You sold yourselves to me for mere trifles. Except for Agent M, who did it to be part of the group. As for you Dr. Evil, I have no idea, why you did it, except that you are a mindless slave to any type of pleasure.”
“I will leave you here to consider your fates,” says David, but I will be back and by then you have better of thought of ways to help me collect energy.”
Once David leaves everyone starts to talk at once.
“All right, everyone just calm down,” says Dr. Evil, attempting to restore order to the chaos. “I am a genius, and I will come up with something, but you must be quiet, and let me think of a plan”
Everyone falls silent and watches Dr. Evil. Dr. Evil closes his eyes as if he is thinking very hard and when he opens his eyes, he begins to scream in an irrational voice.
“Pigeons!” screams Dr. Evil, “Coffee! I’m rich ever so rich.”
“It must be the LSD we took,” says Lou, in a panic. “I did not want to tell you ladies that we found blotter acid. We took what we thought was a small dose to past the time. It has not affected me much yet, but clearly Dr. Evil has taken too much.”
As Buffy regains consciousness she hears Dr. Evil screaming nonsense.
What is that?” she asks, Agent M. “Is that my husband’s voice, I hear?”
“Yes,” says Agent M. “He’s been going on like that for hours. Lou and I had to lock him in one of bedrooms, because he was driving us insane. He’s somewhat muffled now, but still audible.”
“What?” Buffy is unable to comprehend this state of affairs. “My husband never acts like this. There must be something seriously wrong with him. I had better go check on him.”
But, the alarming screaming continues, “A check, I must have a check, to deposit or I can’t eat dinner.”
“What is does that mean?” asks Buffy. She is unable to make herself go and open the door, and she decides to get an better understanding of the situation, and determine the risk vs. benefit ratio of such an action.
“At times it appears that he is yelling in a random pattern of words, which has no meaning, and at other times meanings do become apparent.”
“So, what does ‘I need a check’ mean?” asks Buffy.
“Being a business tycoon, your husband is a very money oriented man. However, in this case, I think he means for the words ‘check’ and ‘dinner’ to stand for other concepts which are more difficult to define, then simple nouns. I know it’s very painful to listen to, maybe we can find some ear plugs?”
“I hate it,” declares Buffy. “Won’t he ever stop? I don’t think this can be good for his blood pressure. The doctor warned me, he was not to get over excited like this. He does not take care of his health, and he at risk for numerous cardio vascular conditions.”
“He took some bad drugs,” explains Agent M. “I have a feeling that the drugs on this boat were an deliberate attempt by David the alien to mess up our minds. He knew we would find them and take them, and so he must have poisoned them in some way. We should not have taken them without knowing their safety. We seem to have come out OK, but your husband has lost his mind.”
Buffy begins to cry.
“Don’t cry, Buffy. I think he will be alright when the drugs where off, unless…” her voice trails off.
“Unless what?” demands Buffy.
“Think of the mind as a house build of bricks. You must build on a solid foundation. If some of the bricks are removed and replaced with different bricks, the house will become unstable as the mind attempts to incorporate new concepts and beliefs. Naturally, the mind will prefer to reject the new ideas, and replace them with the older beliefs, in order to process the world in a way that it can understand. Once his mind has rejected the new beliefs (in the realm of the fantastic) that are making him unstable, I believe he will return to the same old Dr. Evil. Unless, of course, these beliefs become incorporated too deeply into his mind. In which case, he will never be the same again, but maybe he can be stable.”
“I want my husband to be exactly like he was,” declares Buffy angrily. “I don’t want him to change at all. Just wait, until I get my hands on that alien.”
After 12 hours Dr. Evil begins to come back to himself. David the alien seems to have disappeared and the boat drifts into a port city in South America. Dr. Evil is able to use his credit as a wealthy business man to buy the friends a first class plane ticket home. He apologizes for taking drugs and promised he will never do it again.
The plain trip in first class was incredibly relaxing and steak and lobster were served. Once back at home, everyone begins to feel much better and tensions calm down.
Chess Master is enjoying a peaceful evening at home when he gets a phone call from The Organization.
The Organization: “Greetings Chess Master! We know you hate us, but we have some critical information to impart to you. Could you give us just a moment of your attention?”
“I don’t hate you.” Chess Master’s tone is acid.
“Well, we are certainly pleased to hear this. What felicitous circumstances brought forth this monumental, and may we add correct, decision?”
“Nothing. When Agent M pointed out to me that engaging you in an antagonistic fashion was counter productive, I decided to suspend hostilities, until I can come up with a more effective strategy to be rid of you, once and for all. I am most anxious to bring you down. I have not changed.”
“Good point, Chess Master, which is neither here nor there. Regardless of your newly adopted revelation, this information is time sensitive in nature. Therefore, we shall dispense with our normally lengthy pontifications, and get straight to the point, without further delay.”
“Yes, what is it then?” Chess Master speaks in a tone of resignation.
“There are two rodents lurking outside your home looking to breach your residences. Their names are Mr. Squirrel and Mr. Gerbils. They have come to kill you, so we suggest you focus your current energies on finding a way to prevent them from entering.
Chess Master looks out the window and sees two men. The taller one has short red hair, and the shorter one has dirty blonde hair in a ratty pony tail.
“They are armed and dangerous,” comments the Organization dryly.
“Do something!” demands Chess Master.
“My dear boy, what would you have us do? We are a disembodied entity, and in case you have forgotten, that means we can’t affect anything in the physical world. We rely on our agents to do things for us, and that means you have to do something.”
“Just stop it, with the god damn speeches, and tell me what to do.”
“Have you considered each possible point of entry? Oh, dear, I’m afraid, it’s too late, they just broke the basement window. They will be with you shortly, it you don’t block the door the leads up from the basement.”
Chess Master runs to the door, and quickly pushes a dresser to block it. He hears the angry cursing, from downstairs.
“Now, what I am going to do?” he demands.
“We hope that holds them. We are going to retire for the evening. We don’t wish to be talking to you at these times, but we must say, this is so incredibly delicious. We hope you will survive.”
Chess Master notices the slurred speech. “Oh no, you don’t. Do not go and nod off on me now. I swear to God, if you do, I am going to let them in, and let them kill me. You are going to get me out of this.”
“Chess Master, why that’s blackmail. Every creature fears death, and we are gambling on that. We really must depart. We do not wish to communicate further with you, at this time.”
Mr. Squirrel and Mr. Gerbils burst into the apartment, and find Chess Master with his hand on the phone calling 911. So they make a hasty departure.