May 27, 2017
Woodleaf: “I have a wonderful idea. We get Charles Manson to perform for the 50th anniversary of the Summer Of Love.”
Macy: “As your media rep, I have to advise you that this is a bad idea.”
Woodleaf: “Imagine the Cognitive Dissonance that will affect the concert goers! On one hand you have the positive “Summer of Love” and on the other hand you have Charles Manson. Their brains will simply explode!”
Woodleaf: Addressing Macy, Cracky, and Ann.
This is my plan to get Manson out of prison for the concert. I will put on my Andy Warhol Wig, and become John Money for Nothing. When I disguise myself as John Money for Nothing, I can do anything Manson related and no one will be able to trace it back to me.
First, I have to get in to see Manson. I do this by writing to Manson, and then getting put on Manson’s visitors list. I will say that I am John and not Woodleaf in the letter. Once I see him I will flatter Mason’s ego, until he him to agrees to the concert. I will tell him to practice his guitar playing and his best songs such as the minor hits Look Your Game, Girl and Cease To Exist. A tunnel will be dug under his cell. The tunnel will pop Manson right out at the Festival of Love 50 Year Anniversary center stage. Hopefully, he can do a few songs before he gets rearrested.
Suddenly a phone rings, interrupting the conversation.
Electric cell phone voice announces
Call Coming in from Dr. Evil
Dr. Evil to Woodleaf on the phone: “Woodleaf, you abandoned me just when I needed you most. I need a vat of body dissolving acid.”
Woodleaf: “No, I can’t be bothered with that. I am on to bigger and more interesting projects, than merely getting rid of another body.”
Dr. Evil: (hysterically) “But, she was one of your ex wives! Does the name Veronica Dare ring a bell with you?”
Woodleaf: “Ah, yes, she was Asian and she wanted to be white, that is why I adopted the poor thing, but her anti intellectualism and her strange desire to disturb my world with loud metal music was more than I could stand.”
Dr. Evil: “So, what are you going to do about it?”
Woodleaf: “Nothing, she’s not my concern. Go find your own acid on the black market somewhere.”
After a few days of consideration, Woodleaf remarks “Cracky, call Dr. Evil back, I want to make a deal, but it will cost him a lot of money.”
Woodleaf: “Ann, call Dr. Evil. Cracky is pretending that he can’t talk again.”
Woodleaf to Cracky: “I know perfectly well you can talk. Shall I make you an imaginary wife? The name I am thinking of is Frau Dunkelwelt. Frau Dunkelwelt is an older middle-aged sort of woman who wears heavy shoes orthopedic shoes. If you want a young pretty wife, you better start talking, Cracky.”
Frau Dunkelwelt: (in an English Accent) “I’m putting on the kettle for a cupa.”
The old woman begins to clump around in her heavy shoes, each foot step, noisy and shaking the floor boards.
Cracky: “Earthquake!” The parrot lifts his wings to hide his head as if from an object that may fall on him.
Woodleaf: “Go away Frau Dunkelwelt. I change you into Fräulein Fensterlicht. She is all youthful sweetness, and the light that comes when one opens a window and new ideas come in.
Woodleaf: “Ann, we have an English woman, who must be a Nanny, and she won’t go away.”
Woodleaf thinks he could send the Nanny over to The Castle with the vat of acid and a note that will state that the use of the acid will be allowed only if Dr. Evil agrees to employ the Nanny, so she will never return again to San Diego. (Eventually, Woodleaf ships her off to Castle Fluffy Clouds were she becomes the much needed Nanny for all of the unattractive, boisterous children.)
Bonus Chapter: The Fake History of another Fake Person Mildred N Swords
The Fake History of Mildred N Swords would be lost forever unless it was archived. The Juniper Hills Planetary Association is happy to compile with Woodleaf’s sincere request to save the fake story forever in Archive Is. This puzzling story appears to be Woodleaf’s attempt to write a book, as Mildred N Swords. He expected publishers to contact him offering to publish it. It’s much too long to read, so we have edited it down.
Updated: The story of Mildred N Swords has been deleted, due to the fact that it was too long and it did not make any sense. Only this brief portion remains.
The Fabulous Saga of Juniper Hills & Pearblossom by Mildred N. Swords
“These days, Pearblossom has five or six gas stations, a hardware store, Reichards Dept. Store, three restaurants, I don’t know how many realtors, an antique shop, bottle shop, three mobile home trailer parks, a beautiful park, a modern Post Office, two big general stores and lots of people I don’t know anymore. That’s life. So many things to tell. Hope you get something out of this. Guess I should have wrote a book.” -Mildred N. Swords