Cognitive Dissonance

Woodleaf: “Cracky, I have a wonderful idea.”

Cracky: “No, bad idea!”

Woodleaf: “We get Charles Manson to perform for the 50th anniversary of the Summer Of Love.”

Macy: “As your media rep, I have to advise you that this is bad idea.”

Woodleaf: “It’s a great idea. Imagine the Cognitive Dissonance that will affect the concert goers. On one hand you the positive “Summer of Love” and on the other hand you have Charles Manson. Their brains will simply explode! It will be so very funny. (Laughs) This is the real meaning of my Art. For example, they hated Nueva Germania, but they had to love it because it was racial integrated, and they have to love everything that is racial integrated. The love the idea of the Dreamachine providing a free high without drugs, but it does not work. So everything about me looks like its leading to something good, but then it goes to something bad. The people feel upset, this is my art.

When Macy wanted to expand her skills to help children with their piano lessons, I said I would help. But then I made it all fake and impossible. I made funny faces on her publicity photos. I posted links to Planet Juniper on the Craigslist Ad so all prospective piano students would be frightened away. Macy objected to the link, and so I took the ad down. I invented fake a student with a funny name that I claimed with an Asian Name, Ah Ha, is just like Ah So, very funny. Then to top it all off I tried to get her to buy into a kidnapping scheme. Then I wonder why she decided that she could not do the project any more with me. It was hardly fair of her. I posted ads to find other people like Macy, but nothing worked.”

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Woodleaf: The Discovery Group turned out to be a group of Bears, can you imagine how stupid they must have felt? I did not want to work at all or do anything, but collect checks from the government.

I will put on my Andy Warhol Wig and become my first fake person, John Money for Nothing to deal with Manson.  There is no way anyone will trace me back to anything about Manson. First, I have to get in to see Manson and then some how dig a tunnel and have that tunnel pop him right out at the Festival so he can do a few songs on stage before he get rearrested. Of course, I can’t dig a tunnel. I need to hire some Mexicans to work for me.

Macy: Yes, I remember the story you wrote called Rent A Worker.

Woodleaf: That was a chapter in my masterpiece story. I guess it could be made into a separate story.

Macy: “The Sheik of Araby.”

Call Coming in from Dr. Evil

Dr. Evil: “Woodleaf, you abandoned me just when I needed you most. I need a vat of body dissolving acid.”

Woodleaf: “No, I can’t be bothered with that. I am on to bigger and more interesting projects, then merely getting rid of another body.”

Dr. Evil: “But, she was one of your fake wives, does Veronica Dare ring a bell with you?”

Woodleaf: “Ah, yes, she was Asian and she wanted to be white, that is why I adopted the poor thing, but her anti intellectualism and her strange desire to disturb my world with loud metal music was more than I could stand.”

Dr. Evil: “So, what are you going to do about it?”

Woodleaf: “Nothing, she’s not my concern. Go find your own acid on the black market somewhere.”

After a few days of consideration, Woodleaf remarks “Cracky, call Dr. Evil back, I want to make a deal but it will cost him a lot of money.”

Cracky: Awak!

Woodleaf: “Ann, call Dr. Evil. Cracky is pretending that he can’t talk again.”

Woodleaf to Cracky: “I know perfectly well you can talk. Shall I make you an imaginary wife? The name I am thinking of is Frau Dunkelwelt. Frau Dunkelwelt is an older middle-aged sort of woman who wears heavy shoes orthopedic shoes. If you want a young pretty wife, you better start talking, Cracky.”

Frau Dunkelwelt: (in an English Accent) “I’m put on the kettle for a cupa.”

The old woman begins to clump around in her heavy shoes, each foot step, noisy and shaking the floor boards.

Cracky: “Earthquake!” The parrot lifts his wings to hide his head as if from an object that may fall on him.

Woodleaf: “Go away Frau Dunkelwelt. I change you into Fräulein Fensterlicht. She is all youthful sweetness, and the light that comes when one opens a window and new ideas come in.

Nothing happens

Woodleaf: “Ann, we have an English woman, must be a Nanny, and she won’t go away.”

Having thought over this idea for a long time, Woodleaf thinks he could send the Nanny over to The Castle with the vat of acid and a note that will state that the use of the acid allowed if and only if Dr. Evil agrees to employee the Nanny so she will never return again to San Diego.

Cracky takes a dramatic aside: Of course, my wife Fräulein Fensterlicht is not real. I made her up to get people off my back. I was feeling a lot of pressure from pushy people. I wanted to be travel to fly and travel the world without any rumors bringing me down.




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