Meet the Hamsters

The children of Francis and Walter Hamster who were named Tina and Herbie were still alive. Tina was a small retarded hamster, but she was the most endearing hamster. She liked to sit on shoulders, and she would climb up the space in between the dresser and wall and fall down over and over, which is why I marked her as retarded, and unable to learn from experience. She smallest in size, being the runt of the litter could have something to do with her stupidity. Herbie was a regular guy hamster. He loved running in his wheel. Francis was a very overweight mother hamster and her death was traumatic. She died holding part of a breakfast treat in her paws as I was trying to comfort her in the middle of the night. She loved to eat fattening breakfast treats. Walter was an unremarkable hamster. He came from Woolworth located in the old Stonestown open air mall in the 80s. I was amazed that Woodleaf had managed to save these hamsters. Herbie had run away and never been found. Tina had died of old age, but I had no memory of her death or Walter’s death.

In Macy’s Dream:

Woodleaf had found a formula to increase the longevity of hamsters. Hamsters normally have a 1.5 year lifespan. The formula must be injected into the hamster at regular intervals to prevent the Angel of Death.

I was amazed that Woodleaf had done this, and I asked to be given custody of the hamsters right away. This was precipitated by Woodleaf’s assertion that the hamsters failed to love him, and were constantly trying to bite him like Pat, the Alligator Lizard. As long as the supply of Alligator Lizards did not run out, I could not be persuaded to leave my country manor for a night on the town in London, even if Dr. Evil was going to be attending.

The dream dragged on forever like this. Maybe the Hamster Longevity serum would have “real world” applications to extend human life? The Hamsters were alive in the 80s, and this would make them 30 years old more or less.

Until my train of thought was interrupted by Jack, a Demon with whom I am cohabitation. His mission is to convince people not to believe in God by pointing out the impossibility of the existence of a caring God, due to the history of Civilization and The Disasters of War.

If there was no God, ideally one must continue to try to extend one’s life as long as possible, even if doing so meant aging and eventually mental and physical collapse. Copious amounts of mild altering substances would be necessary to blot out the pain of these matters. I asked Woodleaf to procure me these substances.

I wished to depart earlier.

Woodleaf, I forgive you for everything.



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