The Perfect Suicide Machine


dont leave
David Woodleaf filled the moat with man eating creatures to stop people from leaving


David Woodleaf was so disappointed when he traveled to Castle Fluffy Clouds. All the prisoners had committed suicide. He threw the dead bodies into the castle moat, where they were eaten by the piranha fish. No bodies mean no case against him, no crime has occurred. (The nerve of the Amazon reviewer who called him a celebrated mass murderer from California.) Clearly these suicides were not his fault. Simply put, people would rather commit suicide then deal with him. He would make irrational demands, and become incensed or irate if those demands could not be met. The guests left a suicide note. It read in part. “The strain of pretending Woodleaf is sane is bringing us to insanity. On his birthday, April 6, 1964, he instead we all wear party hats. He made us listen to the song, House of Fun by Madness, over and over. We intend to kill ourselves, due to the depression and hopelessness caused by our captivity.

Suddenly it occurs to Woodleaf that he, and not the Dreamachine is the perfect suicide machine.

After Kurt Cobain’s death, Woodleaf decided that he would make up a story that Kurt had used the Dreamachine, and it caused him to commit suicide. Woodleaf thought he could sell one to every depressed person who wanted to commit suicide. Money would be no object to those about the commit suicide, and they would be too depressed to make their own Dreamachine from the free plans found online.

The only people who believed the stories that he told to the Press during his interviews turned out to be mentally challenged. Because they were mentally challenged they did not appreciate his “art”. When they figured out it was a trick, they got angry, maybe because they failed to appreciate all the work he had done on his art. I put a lot of time into my art thought Woodleaf. Those guest were ungrateful, and now I have to replace them with all new guests.

There was some debate of the subject online, saying that Kurt used the Dreamachine for 72 hours straight. An old Tripod website is still online as of 02/08/18 which explains the matter.

The Dreamachine sold for the price of 666 dollars, up from 500 dollars. Macy suggested Woodleaf should try for 6 thousand dollars or even 6 million. He would only have to make one sale. But $6,666 turned out to have one 6 too many. 666 was the number of the beast. Woodleaf rejected the idea.

“All the really matters is that I annoy the Four Fruits,” said Woodleaf. “I don’t care if the Dreamachine makes any money. I am an artist, and I am above vulgar concepts like money. I have thought up a new idea to gain new inmates/friends for Castle Fluffy Clouds.”

Lauren’s Note: Woodleaf’s views on profit are a contradiction. When wants to call himself a business man, he cares about selling his boxes, but the rest of the time, he calls himself an artist who does not care about money.

Castle Fluffy Clouds is announcing a free Billy Joel concert!

Once the white people, as only white people like Billy Joel, came in, or at least he hoped they would, Woodleaf would close the drawbridge trapping them inside forever.

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