Woodleaf is continuing to talk to Cracky, his Pet Parrot.
And so you see, Cracky, when I uploaded “My Story” about G (as in Gee, you have a really big head) and I uploaded a video of her large, fat, egg-shaped head on my website at Planet Juniper. I had tricked a bunch of old people into allowing me to use their names, so I could upload the most offensive content, but no one would know it was me. For example, I posted a post, which I claimed was a letter written by someone on Planet Juniper. Let us look back at this letter now Cracky, as I am in the mood to reminisce. I call this story “The Cheesy Woody Allen.”
My name is (deleted, but I was a real person) and I am on the Planet Juniper Association board. Today while sleeping in late after working the late shift, I was awoken by my dogs barking loudly at about 9 am. When I went outside to investigate, I found a white male 5’8 ” high, 140 lb., blonde gray wavy curly hair, bushy mustache, prescription glasses, with a large scar on his right neck, with a clip board in his hand cornered by my dogs. ( he kind of looked like a cheesy woody Allan) When he was questioned, he said he was an investigator for the post office, investigating mail fraud, and identity theft, and showed me a photocopy of a photograph of a Hispanic male, but he was dressed in a T-shirt and shorts, and did not look the part..
(some information deleted for the sake of brevity).”
Cracky, that story was based on another story about Planet Juniper, as follows:
“Mr. Wetherby stated that because of Mr. Woodleaf’s absences, he had approached the Pearblossom Post Office regarding the mail for Planet Juniper. Postmaster Richy Fish stated that the Planet Juniper Association did not have a box, and that PO Box 666 in Pearblossom is in the name of David Woodleaf. He is the only person who can retrieve mail from that box. Mr. Fish stated that Mr. Woodleaf also receives personal mail in that box. That being said, Mr. Ronald made a motion that the Council rent a Post Office Box in the name of Planet Juniper Association . Mr. Wetherby stated that Mr. Fish suggested that if the Planet rents a new box that Association would be better served to rent one in Littlerock so that the Planet’s mail would not be mistakenly placed in Mr. Woodleaf’s box. Motion passed unanimously. Mr. Wetherby volunteered to rent a box in Littlerock in the name of the Association and to obtain multiple keys.”
But, that was not the end of it, due to my San Francisco Chronicle Article Planet Juniper made a statement with words to the effect of they disowned me and disapproved of me.
“Mr. Pom Pom and Mr. Richy received phone calls from Mr. Epistle of the San Francisco Chronicle Article regarding David Woodleaf’s website, PlanetJuniper.net. Mr. Epistle was, at first, concerned about the actions of Planet Juniper. Following Mr. Pom Pom’s explanation, and direction to the official website, Mr. Epistle expressed feelings that Mr. Woodleaf is out of line. Mr. Wetherby indicated he had contacted the host for Mr. Woodleaf’s site, and submitted a complaint. He has not received a response.
The President directed the Secretary to include a disclaimer in the minutes for tonight’s meeting.
The following disclaimer was produced, as directed, and then reviewed and approved (via email) by the planetary members: Juniper Hills Planetary Association has no affiliation with David Woodleaf or the content of the web site known as PlanetJuniper.net, and strongly objects to the nature and form of that website’s content. Mr. Woodleaf is usurping the ownership of the domain name, as the domain name was obtained in March 2003 for Planet Juniper Association, for its use only. He is providing false information about his relationship with the Planet Juniper Association on this and other websites, and with members of the media and government. He is no longer a Planetary Member, having been dismissed from the Planet in December 2003. Mr. Woodleaf’s bizarre and racist conduct is completely contrary to the beliefs and actions of the Juniper Hills Planetary Association and the Community it represents. The Juniper Hills Planetary Association claims ownership of the domain name, but, unfortunately, has not yet been able to gain control over its current contents.”
But, I kept, the website up for a good long time, Cracky. I still keep a version of it online today. I sometimes use Planet Juniper to upload PDFs to Wikipedia to use as links, when I need to have more fake references for my elaborate Wikipedia article about myself, which make everything alright. They explain that only George of the Jungle was offended by me, and everyone else was on board with me.
Woodleaf: So, it happened that one of Kim Jong Ills wives had died, and I made this page in which, I would take memorial comments about her. At that time I was doing a lot of stuff about death in my act. Macy found the page to be incomprehensible, and a public relations nightmare. Do you know what they did to Otto Warmbier? You don’t want to know.
Woodleaf: I could almost hear them laughing at me in my mind’s eye. So, I took down the guest book. I was the first one to write a fictional story. But, I claimed it was written by David Farrelly who was a guest at my house. The truth was I was a guest at his house. I use people I know to get inspiration of my lies that I tell to cover up my personal history. I guess he never saw the posting.
Lauren’s Note: The Book, The History of Bamboo by David Farrelly is ranked at 400,000 on Amazon. The Book of Bamboo was published in 1984, and is still in print today. That makes it much more popular then Woodleaf’s Book which is ranked at 17 Million, published in 2011 and is out of print. But Woodleaf may have wished something terrible to happen to David Farrelly. In the story that Woodleaf wrote Farrelly had fallen down a well, and Woodleaf was able to wish him out of well, but he refused. I retain a copy of this story. I wish give it for free if you contact me via the contact page. It just too bad Woodleaf can’t or won’t use the Dreamachine to increase his Amazon ranking.
Woodleaf: My Art only generated negative comments. So, I banned all comments from everything possible. My reputation grew so notorious, that not one single person left comments. I had to make up my own positive comments from fake people over praising me. I posted Macy’s Home Address on Wikipedia because she dared to suggest that Mengele did not live in Nueva Germania. I really wanted Mengele to live there, because I was going to create a Mengele Shrine on the site of his former fake house. I posted a photo of a pile of bricks, that I claimed was Mengele’s house. I put a caption below the pile of bricks that his house fallen into a pile of bricks. What I really was joking about was the Wagner’s Opera House had many fallen bricks. I know if I just say something enough it will become accepted, such as when I claimed the Dreamachine was there on Kurt Cobian’s Death Scene. The people who agreed with me or at least did not disagree, I posted praise for them on Planet Juniper dot Net. I called them Royal Colonial Blue Bloods. But, if anyone was to complain about my website, I would deny making these postings, and blame the Planet Juniper Association.
Nueva Germania is not even a Colony. It’s a settlement. The definition of a colony is on that a government funds and supports.
People reacted negatively to finding out there was really a way to visit Nueva Germania, and it did not involve “petitioning” Woodleaf.
An unnamed former friend of Woodleaf said, You feel really stupid after getting conned and you just don’t want to deal with any of it anymore. You just want the offending party to go away, and all the painful feelings to go away.
The doorbell rings
Outside the door are a group of Officials from the Department of Fish and Game.
“Open up! this is Fish and Game, we have a warrant to claim the illegal parrot from the Amazon.”
They took Cracky.
Woodleaf: Tragic Music “Oh why, Oh Cracky, you were my only friend.” Tears.
Greek Chorus: “Did you hear, Woodleaf co-wrote a book with his pet parrot. He made up all the parts the parrot wrote. Parrots can’t actually write, at least not in English.”
“Yes, it is sad, he is so very delusional.”