Opening quote: From Woodleaf’s upcoming book.
I imagined a brunch at Hotel de Lago.
“Meticulously groomed and coiffed, appearing almost coquettish in bright red pants, gold sandals, and a Versace overblouse with silk screened Nastassja Kinski and Jesse James Hollywood images, this gracious doyenne of frequent Sunday morning brunches filled exquisite vases with fresh calla lilies plucked from the lakeshore whilst kielbasa, lox and bagels, omelettes, latkes and apricot brandy beckoned colonial bluebloods.”
Woodleaf: ( in a private moment with his pet parrot) When I wrote about Nueva Germania on Planet Juniper, I never mentioned the poor people. I talked about the luxury I found at the Hotel de Lago. I got into a bit of a fight with the owner of the Hotel, when I called him asking for the room number in which the suicide of Bernhard Förster took place. He was so angry he consigned the room to a broom closet. It may have been something I said to him in conversation, but I have quite forgotten if I may have used a racially insensitive word.
In the past, when someone agreed to back my imaginary projects and jokes, I rewarded them. I praised them in print on my website at Planet Juniper. I knew they felt this made it worth saying and doing stupid and ridiculous things.
There was the case of a woman named Cheryl Wilson. I killed her 2004 using the Wishing Machine, and furthermore, I made her disappear from the Internet completely. She did not approve of me conducting a memorial for a holocaust victim due to my Wagneresque leanings. She was one of the more outspoken ones. I have killed people with the Wishing Machine. I write their names on a piece of paper and place the note inside. But, can I held accountable? No, not at all. It was just chance, that favored my wish.
Sometimes I forgot to check the Planet Juniper website for years. Then I had an accident with the illegal copy of Dreamweaver I was using. I refused to pay the ridiculous sum of $399 for the full version. I removed all the sections called News, Old New, and Oldest News, the Field Reports, the page about North Korea, the page about Placid and the Wishing Machine. Almost nothing is left of the former page, but I won’t let domain go. They can’t force me to do it. The link I have on it leads to a weather report page.
The Planet Juniper Association is made up of retired people whom I was easily able to trick with my idea of having Juniper Hills be a sister city to Nueva Germania which I tried to make even more upsetting by including Josef Mengele as a resident. But, it did not work out. It upset Macy a lot, and she took it upon herself to remove the false burden of Josef Mengele. I told her, stop it, at once, you are ruining my art. Now she knows not to do that anymore.
Woodleaf: Cracky, should I use the Big Headed Woman’s real name in the book we are writing?
Cracky: I am just a parrot, and one of Very Little Brain. I am sure, as the human in this relationship, you will make the right choices. I am really a parrot. I eat sunflower seeds, and fly around the room, if you let me out of the cage. I would like to fly around more outside, if possible.
Woodleaf: There was the case of the Soprano who sung on the Jungle Book record. When I placed her in a Lionized position on Planet Juniper, and I said she was going to Nueva Germania. As a result, she changed her name, gave up singing and moved to Europe to become a nanny. Will these indignations never stop? You even changed your name, Cracky, on Facebook, to Tea Tattler.
Woodleaf gives a dramatic aside to the audience.
A strange prediction made by Macy on July 17, 2004, unfortunately came true. I had misled Macy into thinking that this event had occurred in the past. She did not catch on to my joke until years later. If statements made about future events comes true, can it even be called a prediction later on, when the “prediction” was a mere statement of fact? I like to think that I have some abilities to predicting the future. I can change, in fact, I feel I will change. I will self publish my Nueva Germania Book. I will start each day with a positive statement. I will stop using the Internet for Entertainment, and only use it for writing. I will no longer make statements that place me at a disadvantage. I will stop all forms of trolling. I will, soon, as I do a little bit more.
Woodleaf falls into a deep sleep, and all the good intentions are gone in the morning when his hangover hits.