Hostile Interviewer: Why give Tours of the Manson Murders?
Woodleaf: The answer is simple, people who are stupid enough to send me their email and agree to meet me in some unknown location, deserve to be murdered themselves.
Here are the plans. First I take them to a tea house, and force them to listen to stories about myself for hours. This will cause them to be anxious to get on with the rest of the tour. Then I announce the first item on the tour will be a visit with John Money For Nothing. Then I excuse myself to go to the restroom. I don an Andy Warhol Wig, that I bought used on ebay, and then I begin to address them as John Money for Nothing. The look on their faces is worth 100 bucks, I mean 100 elegantly refined German Marks.
When they point out that I am really not John Money for Nothing, but just myself wearing a wig, I correct them. After all, I am John Money for Nothing. I made him up. He is one of my many fake people. Therefore, I am a logical choice to represent him. My portrayal is what I imagine he would be like if he was a real person. In the same way John Money For Nothing imagined what the Manson Family Home Movies would be like if they existed.
Then the tourists may ask me what connection John Money for Nothing has to Manson. I will show them a number of ugly paintings, I created myself or found in trash bins, of retarded looking people with pencil necks and swastikas carved on their foreheads. They will have to ooh and ah over the paintings because they are a captive audience. If they don’t, I won’t take them to the second location on the tour, Spahn Ranch.
Spahn Ranch burned down in 1970, so when they get there, they will see just a boring park. Then I will recite them my biography to them. I was born in 1969, really 1964, but I like to push the years back to make myself younger. Burroughs first noticed my talents when I mailed him a copy of a book I wrote, that was not ever published, called I Hate The Four Fruits, which was about Wagner, who I often refer to as The Master.
Burroughs was so enthusiastic, that he invited me to move close to his home, so we could see each other everyday. The only problem was his personal assistant, named Wells, refused to let me see Burroughs. Wells said, I was a no good con man, and not very good at convincing people to do my bidding. In fact, due to the reversing powers of the Wishing Machine, when I wished for people to obey me, they strangely only wanted to disobey me, and took great delight in disobeying me.
So, I wrote a song about it called “I Hate Wells”, which I will be releasing as part of my moldy oldies compilation CD of my dark wave band Placid on December 22, 2016, just in time for Christmas, if I may give a plug?
Interview: Sure go ahead
At the same time my girlfriend, named Erstwhile, became very depressed and attempted suicide in the most violent manner. I delayed calling 911, because I wanted to make sure she was good and dead before I called. Unfortunately, she lived which caused the Dreamachine to lose market value.
The tour group will become more and more uncomfortable. Some of them won’t even want to stick around to the see the Final and most exciting stop of the tour, the home where Sharon Tate was killed. I fulfill my obligation by taking them to the house, but of course, as I know, the house was torn down and rebuild, so there is really nothing to see at all on the tour. John Money For Nothing finds this all very funny.
Just because Macy does not like the idea and has advised me against it, does not dissuade me in my eagerness to carry out the plan. I never listen to anything Macy says. I never have and never will listen. The more she talks to me, the more determined I become to do exactly the opposite of what she suggests just to spite her, even when it’s against my own best interest.
Q: Mr. Woodleaf, is John Money for Nothing kind of like Mr. Hat on South Park?
A: That is Dr. Woodleaf to you, Interviewer, and No, I am aware John is a real person. What do you think I am, Insane?! I don’t have to take this. This interview is finished, Over. I am very upset. I am hanging up on you right now.
Phone Clicks Off