This Reporter was a mild-mannered, nondescript kind of guy, who had been sent to interview Woodleaf for an online news source. There was a buzz about Manson Tourism.
He was of a much calmer temperament then the previous hot-headed reporter. The Media began to choose interviewers who were less likely to be antagonistic due to all of the social unrest and impolite arguing on Twitter. It seems shortening people’s ability to discuss issues at length, (character limits) caused them to be more direct and less diplomatic.
He arrived at the location which was a small independent coffee-house in an unknown and unpublicized city or town. Woodleaf insisted that no one ever knew where he lived. Woodleaf took a lesson from the Unabomber, and only met reporters and interviewers in places far from where he lived.
Reporter: Why give Tours of the Manson Murders?
Woodleaf: The answer is simple. People who are stupid enough to send me their email and agree to meet me in some unknown location, deserve to be murdered.
Woodleaf notices the frighten look on the reporter’s face.
Woodleaf: That was a joke. I was only kidding. Seriously, I don’t do “meet by email” tours. Who would want to go on a tour with a bunch of Manson aficionados? But, if I was to lead a tour this is how I would do it.
First I take them to a tea house, and force them to listen to stories about myself for hours. This will cause them to be anxious to get on with the rest of the tour. I announce the first item on the tour will be a visit with John Money For Nothing. I excuse myself to go to the restroom. I don an Andy Warhol Wig, that I bought used on eBay, and then I begin to address them as John Money for Nothing. The look on their faces is worth 100 bucks, I mean 100 elegantly refined German Marks.
When they point out that I am really not John Money for Nothing, but just myself wearing a wig, I correct them. After all, I invented John Money for Nothing. Therefore, I am a logical choice to represent him. My portrayal is what I imagine he would be like if he was a real person. In the same way, John Money For Nothing imagined what the Manson Family Home Movies would be like if they existed, when he created the fake Manson Family Home Movies.
Reporter: You mean to say, the Charles Manson Family Home Movies are not real?
Woodleaf: No one bothers to read all the fine print. It says the Manson Family Home Movies are a representation of what the real movies may have looked like if they existed.
The tourists may ask me what connection John Money for Nothing has to Manson. I will show them a number of paintings of retarded people with pencil necks and swastikas carved on their foreheads.
They will have to ooh and ah over the paintings, because they are a captive audience. If they don’t, I won’t take them to the second location on the tour, Spahn Ranch.
Spahn Ranch burned down in 1970, so when they get there, they will see just a boring park. Then I will recite my biography to them. I was born in 1969, really 1964, but I like to push the years back to make myself younger. Burroughs first noticed my talents when I mailed him a copy of a book I wrote, that was self published. Burroughs was so enthusiastic, that he invited me to move close to his home in Lawrence Kansas, so we could see each other often. The only problem was his personal assistant, named David Wells, refused to let me see Burroughs. Wells said, I was a no good con man, and not very good at convincing people to do my bidding. So, I wrote a song about it called “I Hate Wells”, which I will be releasing as part of My Greatest hits LP of my shoegaze band Placid on December 22, 2016, just in time for Christmas.
Reporter: Don’t you mean CD?
W: No, I mean a record. The Shaggs record album became valuable due to the rareness of the pressing. Limited to 1000 albums 900 of them were stolen leaving only 100 albums available. In the same way, my stuff could be considered rare without actually having to be good.
Then later on, I went around online and changed the name of the song from “I Hate Wells” to “I Hate Walls”, due to Wells Fargo Bank. They offered in a slight reduction in the interest on my credit card debt, if I changed the name of the song.
Reporter: Silent pained expression
W: It’s not that big of a deal, because I never used my name on my band. When I uploaded “I Hate Walls” to You Tube, I used a black and white photo of myself looking like Devo with the funny goggles from the 80s. If anyone asks, I claim that You Tube user is one of my fans. I can’t be responsible for my fans attempts to drag me kicking and screaming into the limelight.
Reporter: So, you had a minor hit, with the song, “I Hate Wells” but you don’t want it traced back to you?
W: Yes, this was my plan the entire time. If Placid had been a bigger hit, I would have then later on, claimed ownership. I claimed ownership at one time on my website at DavidWoodleaf.com, but it turned out to be not big enough of a hit, so I disavowed Placid once more. In fact, you are very lucky, I never mention Placid in interviews, which makes people wonder if Placid is connected to me. The singer certainly does not sound like me, but maybe I altered the voice?
Reporter: What about the Greatest Hits of Placid your self made label?
W: I cancelled that.
Reporter: What! Why?
W: I changed my mind, when it turned out that there was no interest for the record, or maybe I just never planned to release it at all? In 2014, I was going to release some new material, maybe as Placid or maybe not, but it just never happened. I had a bunch of new tracks named like “Never Hope” but, due to lack of responsiveness from the world, I felt the world was not ready to really appreciate my art. I decided (in light of being under appreciated) I would turn my back on the world as well.
Reporter: How can anyone know about your art if you hide it? How can they appreciate it without being aware of it? Could you make a new track called “Under Appreciated?”
W: I may, but probably not. When I hang my shingle outside my door, it says “David Woodleaf, Deconstructionist.” I take perfectly good things, and deconstruct them until the mean something else, or maybe nothing at all. The goal of Zen Buddhism is to reach the point of Zen or Absolute Zero. I got that idea from The Weatherman David Wills after I was inspired by one of his tapes back in the days of the cassette. When my original goal of being Supreme Ruler of the Universe did not pan out, I accepted it and I refocused my goal to instead achieve unfame.
W: It does NOT mean notoriety. It means something that you don’t know, and I won’t tell you.
Interviewer: So you have an office door?
W: I used to have one. I rented an apartment at SB Loft 548 S Spring Street #604
Los Angeles CA 90013-2313. It was there I received my return letter from Tim McVey. He must have been pretty desperate to write to me. I posted the entire letter and the envelope online at Planet Jupiter. I prefer to move often, and I take my shingle with me, and hang it on any door that I happened to be behind. Like a Trap-door spider.
I could be staying as a house guest with someone for a very long extended period of time.
Reporter: Tell me about the video made by Sandy Woodleaf, I mean Screechy Owl.
W: My goal with the video was to make my viewers watch this mildly unpleasant footage of deeply etched lines on the face of the old woman, while they looked for meanings within the footage. Old woman and little girls were, naturally, the theme of my music video, not because of the passing of time or some sacred theme, but because only old women and little girls are gullible enough to be fooled. The old women had lost their sense of discernment, and so did not show me the door. The little girls were too young to have developed the ability to see me as I really was. Only old women and little girls were in the right frame of mind to fall for my thinly disguised and ridiculous hoaxes.
Reporter: Why is your parrot named Cracky?
W: I know what you are thinking. You think it’s a joke about the parrot being crackers, as in crazy, but it’s based on a joke about the use of crack, the drug, that is smoked. You have not done your research. I wrote an article for Vice Magazine about Cracky wanted to smoke Crack. But the only things he really cracks are nuts and sun flowers seeds. However, the name has many potential meanings. Cracky could come from Polly wanna Cracker. Let us consider, Robinson Crusoe. He had a pet parrot named Polly, and no one else the speak with (until Friday showed up) on the tropical island which he was stranded upon. Did the solitude make him go insane?
Reporter: We are getting off topic. I don’t have that much time to discuss
Daniel Defoe and his island adventures with cannibals, and whatever similarities you are trying to evoke with Nueva Germania. We are still working on the names. Why did you pick the name Lamprey for Ms. Owl’s debut album?
W: I named S. Owl’s debut album Lamprey, because a Lamprey is a Parasitic Fish that sucks out the internal organs of other fishes, mainly sharks, and then moves on to the next fish (having satisfied itself) leaving the host fish for dead. I thought to myself, what a fitting name for her album. This allowed me to cleverly construct a whole back career for her that never happened, and buy myself another domain to upload yet another website, Screechy Owl dot com. Then at the height of my ridiculousness, I minted freshly recorded cassettes of Screechy Owl’s music, and offered them for sale. But, her singing is so poor, and she is so unpopular, that even my band Placid had more fans. No one bought them, and they joined the big pile of junk in my closet. I also keep the bags of Yerba Mate, and the Video CDs of North Korea, which also failed to sell, in that closet.
Art only exists to express suffering, unhappiness and occasionally to mock the Four Fruits. The Four Fruits can’t do a thing to me. They don’t even know where I live, and neither do you, Mr. Reporter Interviewer Guy. You think I live in this town? I traveled for days to get here. I don’t even live in this state.
I was able to get a high view count on S. Owl’s You Tube by using the reload back button over and over with great resolve of purpose. I also employed a secret software, called “The You Tube Sucker.” The YouTube Sucker downloads multiple videos automatically simultaneously. The the view count one each video increases by one, each time it downloads. I create a folder earmarked for deletion, and suck up into the folder all the videos on You Tube under different Gmail names. After downloading the videos, I delete the folder and start over again. In a short period of time one can generate thousands of views on a video.
Lauren’s Note: YouTube has since then created some restrictions to make this harder to do and The You Tube Sucker has failed to work for many years now. I know because I had an actually copy of the software at the time. I used to increase my view counts, but that was before people were paid by view count.
Reporter: The You Tube Sucker is a fitting name. How can we even tell which one of the actresses you have hired to be your fake is supposed to be the one who sings?
W: You can’t, as long as one of them never manages to sing on video and be posted to social media. This keeps the concept of my fake wife flexible. I can always employee newer actress to represent her. I got the idea from visiting a hotel in New Mexico, where the artist was middle-aged and fat, so she used photos of her attractive young daughter to be the artist. But, I searched and found an online photo of them together.
Like Milli Vanilli, there is no reason the person presented as the artist need be the artist. The Surf MCs may not even be the models show on the cover of the CD. They may have hired models, rappers and singers all blended together create one composite music group.
Free music files can be found and downloaded all over Sound Cloud and Mix Cloud, to serve as the musical portion of my act. I have told you this in confidence. The singer was perhaps not attractive enough to appear, or do I even know the singer? More mysteries, you will have to email me to ask me those questions as a follow up. But, I have gone on too long about the music. I know this is supposed to be about Manson, but I got side tracked. What is in this coffee? I never talk like this to reporters. I want all of this off the record!
Reporter: Fine! It will all be off the record.
W: The tour group will become more and more uncomfortable. Some of them won’t even want to stick around to the see the Final and most exciting stop of the tour, the home where Sharon Tate was killed. I fulfill my obligation by taking them to the house, but of course, as I know, the house was torn down and rebuilt, so there is really nothing to see at all on the tour.
Reporter: Tell me about your public image consultant, Macy Grant.
Macy did not dissuade me in my eagerness to carry out my musical compositions for Tim McVeigh and for Jack Kevorkian. She could not stop me from pursuing relationships with Jesse James Hollywood and The Bikini Killer. She could not stop me from telling everyone I had moved to Tierra del Fuego.
The more she talks to me, the more determined I become to do exactly the opposite of what she suggests. For example she suggested I needed to put myself on the line more and face the public, so I only became more reclusive. Every time she suggests something I shoot it down right away. She gave up, and now she lets me do whatever I want. I live by the motto, “Everything you say, I am against.” This is translated from the original Italian by a wise old Italian Socialist man.
Q: Mr. Woodleaf, is John Money for Nothing kind of like Mr. Hat on South Park?
A: That is Dr. Woodleaf to you, and no, I am aware John is a real person. What do you think I am, Insane?! This interview is over.
Reporter: No wait! (in a sad tone) I admit I was out of line. Did he die or disappear? You claim he was one of your roommates. One more chance?! I get that you are just “playing” with the tourists. John Money for Nothing is real, (long pause) or is he?
Woodleaf: dramatic aside: You have just witnessed the perfect fruition of my art.