The Four Fruits

When Woodleaf was serving jail time over impersonating a veterinarian to gain Ketamine to communicate with the dead, he developed a theory that his incarceration was due to the influence of the Four Generals.

Q: Please explain the concept of the Four Fruits.

Woodleaf: I came up with the idea of calling the Four Generals the Four Fruits. This seemed to lessen their power over me. I made the name of each of them correspond with a color and a fruit: red was apple, orange was an orange, yellow was lemon, and blue was a blueberry.

Q: So, this is just like that strange woman known as the Manservant Alex? She also liked to play with words.

Woodleaf: That is right, you remembered her! Most of all of my fake people are based on real people. This woman was so afraid of people, she could only relate to cats. She was a cat woman of the first order!

The Four Fruits concept was a way to talk about the Four Fruits without having anyone know, I was really discussing the Four Generals. It is unwise, but not yet illegal to discuss the Four Generals in an unflattering way.

I once claimed, I was being protected by angels, in spite of trying to be in good with Satan. I think they must have been dark angels. I would just change to God or to Satan and back again without any cares. Whatever suited me at the moment was what I said, I believed.

Lauren’s Note: Satan found Woodleaf’s cavalier attitude off-putting. This will be discussed in a future entry.

Woodleaf: The Four Fruits were bringing me down by telling everyone my past misdeeds. If I wanted to contact people to do a project with them or to scam them into doing something humiliating or illegal, I could be sure that the Four Fruit had gotten to them first, and poisoned their minds against me. If  people declined to participate and refused to associate with me, I never considered my own behavior as the cause of my unpopularity. If I did I would have to change the way I was doing things. I did these things, because I thought they were funny, and because I wanted people to be scared of me, because I was scared of people. I thought that it would force people to stop laughing at me and approach me with more reverence. Some of the posts I created were because I wanted to self promote, but I did not want to look like I was self promoting. I wanted to send messages to people about what I was doing, but I hide the message inside posts on Planet Juniper. The idea was that people would have to do research to find out if there was any meaning to the posts. For example one time I had a post that said, “Wanted one Kitten for our little friend of the Rex persuasion.”  First you have to figure out who our friend was, and little is that a child or a small size adult person. Does kitten mean a cat or something else?  Rather then just say what I wanted to say, I would post confusing things.

Q: That is a terrible way to self promote. People don’t have time and they don’t pay attention to promotions. If you hide the message you may as well just not do it.

A: The posts were also supposed to be created by The Planetary Association Website of which I was supposed to be just one of the members, in fact the shyest member. When I made a public appearance, I did not say it was me, and I did not say where or when I was appearing so no one could find me. I was invited to appear at Lit Quake in 2004, but I refused to speak in public. I hid behind a curtain.

This is what my post read: “Speaking of the Sourdough Capital and environs, Juniper Hills’ shyest Councilman is trekking up there this weekend to speak at some sort of nonmunicipal fundraising shindig–oh brother.”

Q:  I am getting so upset, I think I have to lie down. If your public image is so important to you, then why did you behave in such a way? Why were you impersonating the Juniper Hills Planetary Association?

Woodleaf: I was setting them up for the Big Reveal, but they broke right away when I posted the story of Mildred N. Swords. I never got to the big reveal.  I was so upset, I just dumped negative things on that website as it made me feel better at the time. I admit that maybe some of my actions were imprudent. But, I believe in fresh starts and second chances. How about you? 😉

Q: I am not going to say, I do, because I am too upset right now. It may take me awhile to get over my upsetness. When and if, I do, we can think about second chances, or third or forth chances.

A: When I interviewed Mr. Simplicity, I photoshopped a peach sticker on his chest as a salute to the Four Fruits. It was my jaunty way of saying F U Four Fruits, you can’t keep me down. And the owners of the publication, if they were real, never even noticed the sticker. It was so brilliant. (More crazy laughter)

Q: Why a peach? Maybe the peach is a shout out the The Desert Peach Comic?

A: I was influenced by the story “Concerning The Bodyguard” by Donald Bartholomew.

Editors note: the quote from the story.

“When the bodyguard delivers the son of his principal to the school where all of the children are delivered by bodyguards, does he stop at a grocers on the way and buy the child a peach? Does he buy himself a peach?”

Woodleaf:  I just did not want to stop when I was high and having fun. I kept thinking of things that would be even funnier and funnier and adding them to the sum total of my art like the large number of books, I am in the process of writing and have been in process of writing for over 20 years. They are never published, not even self published. The many deals and contracts for my music, that I have been in negotiations for 30 years. Rather than back off of anything, I only take it farther. It makes people go back and wonder later on if any of these things came out. Maybe they will look me up again and want to get in touch when they wonder why my Nueva Germania book never came out?

When I wrote a book with Cracky my pet parrot, the book was going to be in two volumes. Mein Kampf was written in two volumes. So, that was a hidden reference. People are like play things to me, and sometimes they don’t work the way I want them to work. Then the idea occurred to me, I need more people in coming and I don’t want any people leaving. I hoard people, and that takes away my loneliness. So, I started locking them in.  If some of them are not speaking to me, I can always find someone else on the Castle Grounds who wants to talk to me. I feel like the Big Man on Campus when I visit my castle and find it filled with anxious people clamoring for answers. “Why are we locked in?” they ask me.


I created a website for Castle Fluffy Clouds.  The Fluffy Clouds website which features me as a writer in residence.   I put in the diary pages portion of the website, and mixed it in with hundreds of mind numbing boring postings and black and white photos of trees in winter. People are so intrigued! They have use the form to email me to see how they can visit Castle Fluffy Clouds. I tell them it’s easy, just come right to the door, and I will open the drawbridge and let them in. What fun! They will never leave!

Q: How can you be a writer if you are only writing under pen names? Your best music does not have your name anywhere on it. You don’t allow any of your writing to be read, by either deleting it or not posting it, or having it appear somewhere non accessible. Have you not read blog posts like “How to promote your writing?” Did you tell Macy that everything she did with your publicity had to be very secretive?

A: Macy should have known when I posted “The Secret is the Secret”.

(Lauren: Macy never saw this until it was too late.)

Q: Is this one of those things like “No sense is sense?” or “Freedom equals slavery?” Did you communicate clearly with Macy? She is not the smartest of women. She has some problems and issues. She is a little bit learning disabled. She sometimes does not process information the first or second time.  You need to repeat your instructions often and have her write them down. Then go over them and get a confirmation and have her repeat back to you. Otherwise she is sure to do the wrong thing. But, she tries very hard and has inexhaustible energy for image making.

A:  No, I won’t listen to you or accept that. It was not my fault for not telling her not to tell. It was her fault for not knowing. She made me lose potential inhabitants. The thing, was all HER FAULT. She needed to apologize.

Q: Did she apologize?

A: Yes, she did, but I did not accept it. I don’t blame Macy for my failures. I blame the Four Fruits for them. I would be really well-known right now for my books, articles and my music if it wasn’t for the Four Fruits. The Four Fruits are manipulating the Internet to cause my results to fall lower on the results pages.

Q: Is it not her job as your Media Rep to tell people about what you are up to?

A: Macy should publicize me, but not in such a way to put off future residence/prisoners of Castle Fluffy Clouds and rich people who can send me funding for my various projects.

The Four Fruits are also to blame for stopping me in my project of finding Chandra Levy.  Chandra Levy’s mother asked me to stop trying to find her daughter, after I was cleared as a suspect. Later when Natalee Holloway went missing, I offered my mental powers to Beth Holloway, but she had already heard about my Chandra Levy fiasco. So, this ruined my chances of finding missing people. Here is how I could have done it. I assume all the missing people are dead, so I take Ketamine and visit the land of the dead. There I get an impression of how these people may have died. Their spirits are inhabiting the ghost world. Then I come back to the real world and apply what I learned to finding the missing. For example, I may get an impression of water if they drown.

Q: Are you still writing letters to people in mansions and ringing the doorbells of mansions offering to “compose music” for their mansions? We got that directly from Macy.

A: I can see, you fancy yourself to be a comedian. I refuse to answer anymore questions. The nature of my work is very solemn and serious.

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