The Four Fruits

four fruits

When Woodleaf was serving jail time over impersonating a veterinarian to gain Ketamine to communicate with the dead, he developed a theory that his incarceration was due to the influence of the Four Generals.

Q: Please explain the concept of the Four Fruits.

Woodleaf: I came up with the idea of calling the Four Generals the Four Fruits. This seemed to lessen their power over me. I made the name of each of them correspond with a color and a fruit: red was apple, orange was an orange, yellow was lemon, and blue was a blueberry.

Q: So, this is just like that strange woman known as the Manservant Alex, also liked to play with words?

Woodleaf: That is right, you remembered her! Most of all of my fake people are based on real people. This woman was so afraid of people, she could only relate to cats. The Four Fruits concept was a way to talk about the Four Fruits without having anyone know, I was really discussing the Four Generals. It is unwise, but not yet illegal to discuss the Four Generals in an unflattering way.

I once claimed, I was being protected by angels, in spite of trying to be in good with Satan. I think they must have been dark angels. I would just change to God or to Satan and back again without any cares. Whatever suited me at the moment was what I said, I believed.

Lauren’s Note: Satan found Woodleaf’s cavalier attitude off-putting. This will be discussed in a future entry.

Woodleaf: The Four Fruits were bringing me down by telling everyone my past misdeeds. If I wanted to contact people to do a project with them or to scam them into doing something humiliating or illegal, I could be sure that the Four Fruit had gotten to them first, and poisoned their minds against me, if they declined and refused to associate with me.

Q: But, the things you did, and what you said in interviews, was what brought you down, not the influence of the Four Generals. What you should have been focusing on was, repairing your broken relationships. Everything on your website at Planet Juniper was designed to be so upsetting and so off-putting that nobody would ever want to come visit Castle Fluffy Clouds.

A: I did these things, because I thought they were funny, and because I wanted people to be scared of me, because I was scared of people. I thought that it would force people to stop laughing at me and approach me with more reverence. Some of the posts I created were because I wanted to self promote, but I did not want to look like I was self promoting. I wanted to send messages to people about what I was doing, but I hide the message inside posts. When my recording of the Jungle Holy Land was submitted by me to a CD that was sold on Discogs, I only posted the shocking cover art, and not that my track was included. The idea was that people would have to do research to find out if there was any meaning to the posts. For example one time I had a post that said, “Wanted one Kitten for our little friend of the Rex persuasion.”  First you have to figure out who our friend was, and little is that a child, and kitten does that mean something to someone else? Each thing could of had a special meaning that I wanted to send a message, but maybe not. Rather then just say what I wanted, I would post these confusing things.

Q: That is a terrible way to self promote. People don’t have time and they don’t pay attention to promotion. If you hide the message you may as well just not do it.

A: The posts were also supposed to be The Planetary Association Website of which I was supposed to be just one of the members, in fact the shyest member. When I made a public appearance, I did not say it was me, and I did not say where or when I was appearing so no one could find me. This is what my post read: “Speaking of the Sourdough Capital and environs, Juniper Hills’ shyest Councilman is trekking up there this weekend to speak at some sort of nonmunicipal fundraising shindig–oh brother.”

Q: Do you realize how totally insane that makes you? You really need Macy’s help in promoting yourself.  You are doing a terrible job of it. You will always be totally obscure. I am getting so upset, I think I have to lie down. If your public image is so important to you, then why did you behave in such a way that it would go down in print showing you to be racist and insane for all eternity?

Woodleaf: I beg to differ, my actions and posts did not make me seem insane.

Q: You promoted Dr. Mengele, and that does not seem insane to you?

Woodleaf: I see Mengele as a stately gentleman, and a rare bird.

Q: Oh My God, have you seen the show Stranger Things? How can that be alright in any sense of the word?

Woodleaf: As the guy from OC Weekly pointed out, I don’t care about the evil people in history whose names I throw around, I just want to stir people up. I decided to change the Mengele concept in a Richard Wagner Concept. I removed all traces of Mengele on my Wikipedia in favor of Wagner.

Q: But if anyone reads the article, it still says Mengele. Anyone can read it. Did they get you on tape saying Mengele? Maybe you can claim, they made it up if they don’t have your voice on tape. This is a good idea. This will help you. I am trying to be nice, to be a better person, not to be upset.

Woodleaf: I don’t care.

Q: Why were you impersonating the Juniper Hills Planetary Association?

Woodleaf: I was setting them up for the Big Reveal, but the caved right away when I posted the story of Mildred N. Swords. I never got to the big Mengele reveal, and I was so upset, I just dumped negative things on that website as it made me feel better at the time. I admit that maybe some of my actions were imprudent. But, I believe in fresh starts and second chances. How about you?

Q: I am not going to say, I do, because I am too upset right now. It may take me awhile to get over my upsetness. When and if I do we can think about second chances, or third or forth chances.

A: When I interviewed Mr. Simplicity, I photoshopped a peach sticker on his chest as a salute to the Four Fruits. It was my jaunty way of saying F U Four Fruits, you can’t keep me down. And the owners of the publication, if they were real, never even noticed the sticker. It was so brilliant. (More crazy laughter)

Q: Why a peach? That is not one of the Four Fruits signature colors.

A: I was influenced by the story “Concerning The Bodyguard” by Donald Bartholomew.

Editors note: the quote from the story.

“When the bodyguard delivers the son of his principal to the school where all of the children are delivered by bodyguards, does he stop at a grocers on the way and buy the child a peach? Does he buy himself a peach?”

Note from Lauren: The Society for the Eradication of the Light Brown Apple Moth or SELBAM has a job to do, they protect The Four Fruits from insect infestations. Woodleaf was now so obscure that no matter what outrage he attempted from chasing dying old ladies around hospital rooms to “composing music” for people who don’t want it, he could not get any attention. (He did not really compose music, he only lifted free MP3 from filing sharing sites to submit as original works, such as Football Classics CD Number 2 track 15.) No one cared enough to alert SELBAM, even the people he satirized did not notice his work. These attempts seemed like desperate pleas for attention, as the internet grew so large that it became almost impossible to find anything in particular about Woodleaf.

Woodleaf:  I just did not want to stop the party. I kept thinking of things that would be even funnier and funnier and adding them to the sum total of my art like the large number of books, I am in the process of writing and have been in process of writing for over 20 years. They are never published, not even self published. The many deals and contracts for my music, that I have been in negotiations for 30 years. Rather than back off of anything, I only take it farther. It makes people go back and wonder later on if any of these things came out. Maybe they will look me up again and want to get in touch when they wonder why my Nueva Germania book never came out? If they don’t, I merely blame the Four Fruits, but never myself. I never consider the beastly cruel way I treated people as the reason why people shun and avoid me. People are like play things to me, and sometimes they don’t work the way I want them to work. When things don’t turn out, it is never my fault, it is only the fault of the other party. The mere mention of my name makes them feel ill. The sight of me in a video can cause heart stopping terror and nausea, and I like it that way. But, I run through my victims so quickly,  I need new patsies all the time. When they try to leave, my feeling are hurt, so I tell them that I don’t care because I have many others that can take their place. Then the idea occurred to me, I need more people in coming and I don’t want any people leaving. I hoard people, and that takes away my loneliness. So, I started locking them in.  If some of them are not speaking to me, I can always find someone else on the Castle Grounds who wants to talk to me. I feel like the Big Man on Campus when I visit my castle and find it filled with anxious people clamoring for answers. “Why are we locked in?” they ask me.

I created a new website for Castle Fluffy Clouds. This one features the joys of the gardens outside Castle Fluffy Clouds to make people want to visit the garden, and then maybe I can lure them inside? The lovely garden website features young handsome princes and princess dancing in a courtly manner. But, it does then attempt to redirect the visits to the original Fluffy Clouds website which features me as a writer in residence. The entry is very hidden and hard to find. I put in the diary pages and mixed it in with hundreds of mind numbing boring postings. Then they have to write to me to see how they can live at Castle Fluffy Clouds. I tell them it’s easy, just come right to my door, and I will open the drawbridge and let them in. What fun! They will never leave!

Q: I see a problem with consistency in your projects. Why abandon the original Castle Fluffy Clouds Website in favor of the newer Castle Fluffy Clouds Website?

Woodleaf: I lost the password to update the original Fluffy Clouds Website.

Q: How can you be a writer if you are only writing under pen names? Your best music does not have your name anywhere on it. You don’t allow any of your writing to be read, by either deleting it or not posting it, or having it appear somewhere non accessible. Have you not read things like “How to promote your writing?” Did you tell Macy that everything she did with your publicity had to be very secretive?

A: Macy should have known when I posted “The Secret is the Secret”.

(Lauren: Macy never saw this until it was too late.)

Q: Is this one of those things like “No sense is sense?” or “Freedom equals slavery?” Did you communicate clearly with Macy? She is not the smartest of women. She has some problems and issues. She is a little bit learning disabled. She sometimes does not process information the first or second time.  You need to repeat your instructions often and have her write them down. Then go over them and get a confirmation and have her repeat back to you. Otherwise she is sure to do the wrong thing. But, she tries very hard and has inexhaustible energy for image making.

A:  No, I won’t listen to you or accept that. It was not my fault for not telling her not to tell. It was her fault for not knowing. She made me lose potential inhabitants. The thing, was all HER FAULT. She needed to apologize.

Q: Did she apologize?

A: Yes, she did, but I did not accept it. I don’t blame Macy for my failures. I blame the Four Fruits for them. I would be really well-known right now for my books, articles and my music if it wasn’t for the Four Fruits. The Four Fruits are manipulating the internet to cause my results to fall low on the results pages.

Q: Is it not her job as your Media Rep to tell people about what you are up to?

A: Macy should publicize me, but not in such a way to put off future residence/prisoners of Castle Fluffy Clouds and rich people who can send me funding for my various projects.

The Four Fruits are also to blame for stopping me in my project of finding Chandra Levy.  Chandra Levy’s asked me to stop trying to find her daughter, after I was cleared as a suspect. Later when Natalee Holloway went missing, I offered my mental powers to Beth Holloway, but she had already heard about my Chandra Levy fiasco. So, this ruined my chances of finding missing people. Here is how I could have done it. I assume all the missing people are dead, so I take Ketamine and visit the land of the dead. There I get an impression of how these people may have died. Their spirits are inhabiting the ghost world. Then I come back to the real world and apply what I learned to finding the missing. For example, I may get an impression water if they drown.

Q: Are you still writing letters to people in mansions and ringing the doorbells of mansions offering to “compose music” for their mansions? We got that directly from Macy.

A: I can see, you fancy yourself to be a comedian. I refuse to answer anymore questions. The nature of my work is very solemn and serious.

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