The Four Fruits

When Woodleaf was serving jail time over impersonating a veterinary, he developed a theory that his incarceration was due to the influence of the Four Generals. The names of the Four Generals each corresponded with a color and a fruit: red was apple, orange was an orange, yellow was lemon, and blue was a blueberry.


Woodleaf: It not that there is anything wrong with me or my stuff, but the Four Fruits are bringing me down by telling everyone about stuff that I did.

Q: Then why did you do that stuff, if you did not want anyone to know?

A: It was clearly obvious I did not want anyone to know. I did them because I thought they were funny. When I fake interviewed Mr. Simplicity, I photoshopped an apple sticker on his chest as a salute to the Four Fruits.

Q: Why?

A: It was my jaunty way of saying F U Four Fruits, you can’t keep me down. And the owners of the publication, if they were real, never even noticed the sticker. It was so brilliant. (More crazy laughter)

Q: Did you tell Macy that no one was supposed to know?

A: No, I never did that because, it was like I said, it was so totally obvious. If Macy did not know, it was not my fault for not telling her; It was her fault for not knowing. Let me explain, the whole thing, was all HER FAULT. She needed to apologize.

Q: Did she apologize?

A: Yes, she did, but I did not accept it.

No one cared, but maybe The Society for the Eradication of the Light Brown Apple Moth or SELBAM would care? But, it’s too much work, thought Macy. But maybe someone else would contact them and then what would happen? They would remove the offending photo? They would track down the website owner and ban the website? Woodleaf was now so obscure that no matter what outrage he attempted from chasing dying old ladies around hospital rooms to “composing music” for people who don’t want it. (He did not really compose, he only lifted free MP3 from filing sharing to submit as original works.) No one cared enough to alert SELBAM, even the people he satirized did not notice his work.

I wonder if he is still writing letters to people in mansions and ringing doorbells offering to “compose music” for them? It’s better to do nothing, thought Macy. The Pitch did not matter. If there had not be so many fake websites, the Pitch incident would not have happened.

It’s better to do nothing on the remote chance one of the parties happens to be real and gets upset. Macy’s Job was not to upset people, it was to help people. She needed to remind herself of this, and try to be a better person. The reason The Pitch was funny was she assumed it was fake. Otherwise it would not have been funny. Macy still finds it funny. Meanwhile back in the City, something awful is happening in Dr. Evil’s Hot Tub.


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