When Dr. Evil returns home from the Virgin Mega Store, Buffy is not there. He calls her cell, and there is no answer.
Maybe one of my enemies, like Bob Nelson, has kidnapped her, thinks Dr. Evil, and he begins to panic.
This is how it happens when someone disappears on television. At first the family assumes they are just late, like the guy who broke his back, and got stuck on Mushroom Beach Hornby Island British Columbia. No one looked for him.
Dr. Evil decides to call the police right away. There is no reason to wait. But, something stops him. Buffy could be with Javier. It would be embarrassing to find out it was nothing if he called the police. He wants to be understanding of Buffy’s affair, since she is young and foolish.
Dr. Evil turns on the TV to watch the news and try and relax and he sees a commercial.
Kleenex in Outer space
When in outer space without gravity, you may find problems with Kleenex, it keeps floating up to the ceiling of the spaceship, and won’t hold its shape.
“Now, that I have been captured by aliens”, says an unidentified woman, “I really wish I had my favorite tissue Puffs. The green aliens are growing a mold all over their bodies. I am highly allergic, I may perish before they finish their tests on me.”
Oh my God, thinks Dr. Evil Buffy loves Puffs and she has terrible allergies. Buffy has been abducted by aliens.
Suddenly Buffy walks in the door, and Dr. Evil is overwhelmed with emotion.
“Thank God, you are safe, I was so worried.” Dr. Evil runs over and kisses her.
“The mall has extended holiday hours. I would have called, but the battery in my cell died.” Buffy tells him.
Dr. Evil is so happy to have his wife back, that he resolves to stop trying to see Macy, and devote all his time and attention to Buffy. He wants to give her a special gift, but what? They have everything already.
Then he sees an ad in the New Yorker, that says:
“Promise her anything, but give her a chicken.”
Lauren’s note: This was the former url of the company that sold usually gifts and took out an add in the New Yorker that Dr. Evil saw. The url has changed hands and now the link yields to a site that sells bathroom fittings. The latest look shows the domain is now for sale. (I did not think to save the webpage on the site http://archive.is but I have saved more primitive versions of my blog on that site.)
So, he goes to the website, he has been tricked, there is not a chicken to be found here.
So, he takes out an ad on Craig’s List
“Wanted one chicken, for my Wife Buffy. Preferably, one that talks”
“A talking chicken would be a great gift for Buffy!” thinks Dr. Evil optimistically.
As the days pass, strangely the ad gets no replies.
Dr. Evil decides to take a drive to the country to look for a talking chicken.
He pulls off the 101 to visit a Starbucks. He notices homeless chickens living in the parking lot. He talks to them, but only one of them talks back to him. The chicken is mostly white with some black and grey feathers interspersed.
“If you take me back to San Francisco with you, I will be a valuable ally,” the chicken tells him. Dr. Evil picks up the chicken, and places it in a basket and puts the basket in his car.
“It was terrible being homeless,” comments the chicken, from the basket. “Where is my new home? What is it like?”
“I own a Castle in San Francisco,” says Dr. Evil. “I call it Castle Evil, but most people call it The Castle. It has a hot tub.”
When Dr. Evil arrives home with the chicken for Buffy, there is a large party going on at the Castle. What has happened to his peaceful home life? Will the chicken find out he used to eat KFC? That is all in the past. There will be a new Dr. Evil. He locates the maid, Miss House Keeping. Don’t look at the hot tub, she warns him. But, Dr. Evil can’t help himself. He looks at the hot tub, then he grabs the chicken’s basket and locks himself in one of the bathroom to calm down. He opens the basket, so the chicken’s head just peaks out. “What did you see in there?” asks the chicken.