Bee Girl at the Opening of the New De Young Museum in 2005
(If Bee Girl had been there)
And now we bring you the continuing story of Chess Master and Bee Girl. When we left off last time, Bee Girl, told Chess Master she loved him, and all he had to do was think of a way to kill a cartoon artist named John Lassen. The Organization had warned Chess Master that Bee Girl was dangerously insane, but he still loved her. Chess Master did not know what to do. Finally, the Organization called him, and offered to take care of the John Lassen problem. All he had do was agree to work for them.
“It is really not so bad,” the Organization pointed out, “Why there are many benefits to working for us. We need your chess expertise, and you need us. If you want Bee Girl to love you, you have to do everything she wants.”
“We are the best spy agency you can possibly work for, and we will tell you why. First of all we won’t try to trick you into working for us, without telling you. We are open and honest. Other agencies will turn on you, then betray you and harm you, after tricking you. They are all crooks, but not us. What you see is what you get. We don’t need to intimidate our agents, because they want to work for us. They love working for us, because we are so good. We are number one. And there is no personal danger to you, and no risks.”
“Well, there are always risks,” continued the Organization wistfully, “with being a spy, but that would be at the hands of our enemies, and not at our hands.”
Chess Master could not make a decision, “I have to ask my chess set first, so just hold the on,” he told the Organization.
Some of his chess pieces thought he should do it, but others did not. He decided to take a vote, and the majority of them seemed to want to do it. Chess Master told the Organization he would do it, as he could as long as he got to approve everything before he did it.
“Certainly,”, purred the Agency, they seemed to be breathing more heavily now, a certain excitement was becoming apparent on the other end of the line. (Think Naked Lunch, the Movie) “You, of course, reserve the right to refuse any assignment.”
What did it all mean? thought Chess Master, after he hung up the phone. Did I make the right decision?
John Lassen, was killed when his car went off the road, at Devil’s Slide, and Bee Girl could not wait to gloat. She filmed her Public Access Show that night Live in her kitchen.
“Good Evening, San Francisco,” she announced gleefully, “Tonight is a wonderful evening, John Lassen is dead, just like I said he would be.”
Suddenly the door was being broken down, and the SFPD swarmed into view of the camera.
“No, wait,” screamed Bee Girl, “You can’t arrest me.” She hurled her scepter at them, “I am the Queen of Public Access, the Queen!”
Chess Master was watching this drama unfold in his living room. He began to panic.
I had better get out of town, right now, and go to Mexico, he thought. What if Bee Girl tells them, that I was involved in conspiracy to commit murder?
He did not even bother to ask his chess set, he simply packed up the board and all the pieces. Maybe the police are on their way now?
Just then the phone rang, it was the Organization.
“Not so fast.” they tell him, “Wait for us to give you instructions, if you want to remain safe.”
The Organization suggested that Chess Master should go to the De Young Museum, and look for a contact there who will provide him with a plane ticket and the documentation, he will need to leave the country, before the police catch up with him, in the event that Bee Girl has named him as a co-conspirator in the murder of John Lassen.
However, the building is under construction and won’t open until October 15 2005. Yet, Chess Master finds the old building just the way it was before it was torn down, and he goes in, thinking the building is real.
The next day when Chess Master is finally able to leave the building, he immediately begins to worry about the police again. He catches the 44 bus. As the bus pulls away from the curb, Chess Master begins to laugh, because he thinks of what was inside the building. An old man, who looks suspiciously like William Burroughs, asks him why he is laughing.
“The De Young Museum is filled with Animatrons,” Chess Master replies.
“You must be out of your mind,” the old man tells him. “That building is demolished and under construction.”
Chess Master realizes his error. He stops laughing and begins to search for the ticket and the papers, but he can’t find them.
This sobers Chess Master’s mood considerably, and he remains silent for the rest of the bus ride. He gets off the bus, at Laguna Honda, and walks back to his house. The chess pieces refuse to speak to him on the walk back. He unlocks the door and goes inside, all is quiet. He is too upset to even turn on the computer, and check for an email from the Organization. He decides to play a few games of chess. He arranges the still silent pieces on the board in Fischer Random formation, and begins to play a few games with himself. During the third game, the phone rings, and it’s the Organization.
“It’s all right,” they tell Chess Master. “You don’t have to worry about the police any longer. We pulled some strings. Now, no one will consider you an accessory in the John Lassen case.”
Meanwhile at Castle Evil Dr. Evil’s relationship with his wife Buffy is not going smoothly.
When Dr. Evil arrives home, he notices the remains of a toaster oven on his lawn. Immediately he suspects something has gone wrong with Buffy, again.
Gingerly, he enters the house.
“Buffy, I’m home,” he calls out.
There is no reply. He goes into the kitchen, and find Buffy standing near the sink staring into space. The smell of burned cookies is very strong.
“Buffy,” he asks patiently, “Why did you destroy Mr. Toast, again?”
“That stupid, worthless, Mr. Toast has burned my toast, again.” Says Buffy in a flat monotone voice.
“So, we will get a new Toaster Oven from Macy’s in Stonestown,” says Dr. Evil with growing desperation, “But, please Buffy, tell me what’s really wrong?”